A/N Having a stamp made that says - still don't own these awesome characters.
Halfway through philosophy class, my cell beeped, indicating someone left me a voice mail. I was relieved when I saw the caller id. I just had to wait until after class to listen to the message.
I hated the idea of asking for help, but after my real attempt at talking to Bella backfired, I knew I didn't have a choice. I couldn't believe how foolish I was to think my little hallucinatory conversation could become blissful reality. Bella's plea, when I broached the subject was a loud warning bell. She was by no means broken, but whatever happened had cracked her enough that one wrong word and she would shatter.
I didn't even wait to leave the classroom after the professor dismissed us. I dialed my voicemail and was relieved to find I could head right over to the center. Grabbing my bags, I started fast-tracking across campus. The hurried pace accomplished two things. First, it prevented anyone from hailing me. Who really would interrupt someone who's speed-walking like their ass is on fire. Second, I was so focused on not tripping, I couldn't think about the conversation I was about to have. Besides, isn't that what waiting rooms were for.
I was almost to the door of the building when I saw the sign. I stopped, read it twice as always and laughed. It was an inside joke that only seniors were privy to. The building that holds the counseling center also contains an alternative and holistic health center. The irony being that before it's current occupants, it housed the number one pot smoking, drug dealing fraternity on campus. They got shut down my freshman year. To add to the irony, incense was still burned in an effort to add to the holistic ambiance.
"Hi Edward," Dotty greeted me from behind the reception desk when I entered. "What brings you by?"
"Just coming to see Esme."
"She's a lucky lady to have your company today."
"Ah, you know I only come here for you, Dotty." I gave her a wicked smile, and her wonderfully aged face blushed. I had met her my first week on campus and she was by far the sweetest little old lady alive. She reminded me completely of my grandmother. Which is exactly why I went around the desk separating us and planted a sweet kiss on her cheek.
"You're going to make Henry jealous," she teased. Henry being her husband.
"Good. Give him an incentive to treat you right. Competition is healthy."
"Oh you devil. Now you get out of here. Save some of that sugar for your aunt." She shooed me towards the offices down the hall but not without tossing me a wink. I gave her a chivalrous bow before knocking on Esme's door.
"Come on in," a soft voice called from behind the door. I entered the office and took a seat on the sofa. Esme was on the phone, so the family hug would have to wait.
I looked across her messy desk and immediately was homesick. The facial structures and the reddish hair was the same as my mom's, only Esme kept her hair long, where my mom's was cropped. They share the same hazel eyes, but my aunt's face is fuller, not as gaunt as her sister. They were both beautiful women, but my own mother tried too hard, where Esme's beauty was more natural.
I was actually surprised to find out my aunt worked at the school I was going to attend. I knew her profession and that she worked at a college, but for some vague reason, the name of her employer never came up. That was actually a small roost my parents concocted. They didn't want me to reject St. Lawrence just because family worked there.
I was actually grateful for the deception. It's not like I could just drive home to Chicago for the weekend if I found myself homesick. It was great to have family in walking distance, but the more remarkable thing was the latitude she gave me. She didn't check up on me, her only nephew. Never pulled strings or called in favors for me. Actually I think the only people on campus that knew of our biological connection were my uncle and Dotty. Maybe someone in admissions knew, but they really didn't count.
It was because of this respectful relationship that I felt comfortable coming to her. When I came to her house, I was her nephew. But when I came to her office, I was a student. As now, as a student in her office, I waited patiently for her to conclude her phone call.
"Ok, Yeah that sounds great. I'll see you at home….. Love you too. Bye." She hung up the phone and turned towards me. Her cheeks flamed red when she noticed I was watching her. "What?" She questioned me, trying to buy some time for her face to return to normal color.
"Nothing" I smirked. I loved teasing my aunt.
"Yeah, and your face isn't covered in bullshit or anything."
"Boy. What would mom say if she heard you use such language in front of her impressionable child."
"She would congratulate me for not putting up with the Masen charm. You totally got that smart ass gene from your dad."
I couldn't help but laugh and she joined me too.
She gave me a moment for the kidding to die down, before she transformed into counselor mode. It was such a distinct change that I knew the moment for hugs had passed.
"How are you doing, Edward"
I knew the question was not really relevant to me. She was letting me lead. This is why she is so good at her job.
I sat for a few minutes, formulating sentences in my head, picking what information to share and what to withhold. I needed her advice but at the same time refused to identify Bella.
"I could really use some help with one of my residents." Yeah, that was vague and still direct.
"Okay."
The next part was harder and I took a few moments to shore up my willpower. This is important. This is serious. This is for Bella. This soon became my mantra.
"I think one of my residents was … assaulted."
"You think or you know?"
Again, silence. But Esme was patient and understanding and I knew she was the right person to talk to.
"I saw bruises on her arms and scratches on her neck. She woke up screaming in terror and… Well she hasn't said anything, but I know something happened to her."
"Has she said anything to you?"
"No. I tried to bring it up this morning, but she just froze up. Asked me not to ask her. I don't get it. If something happened and she told me, I could help her."
"Maybe she's not ready to talk to anyone."
"Yeah. I thought about that. She hasn't said anything. Not even to her best friend. I mean, why wouldn't she say anything. She's not stupid. She's not weak. She is smart and beautiful and is just letting this tear her apart. Somebody hurt her and she just keeps quiet. How can she keep quiet? I don't get it.
"Edward, what do you think happened?"
"Damn, Esme. I don't want to think about what happened. I just want to know what to do. How do I talk to her? What do I say?"
At my defensive response, she pulled away from her desk, walked around and took a seat next to me on the couch. The next thing she did must be an aunt thing because she took my hand into hers.
"Edward. I want to tell you a few things. But I need you to listen."
"Of course, " I snapped back at her. That was the whole reason I was here.
"There are many things that happened on a college campus."
I couldn't help be roll my eyes. This was practically the same shit the handed out at resident assistant training. "I know all this, Esme." I couldn't help but let my frustration slip out.
"Ok, shut up or I'm not going to talk to you. Edward," she demanded and to emphasize her point, she squeezed my hand.
"Fine," I relented.
"Random non-sexual assaults between men and women on campus are actually relatively small. Sexual assaults are more prevalent and assaults committed by someone the victim knows is high."
"One out of four women on this campus will be sexually assaulted. One in eight women will be raped before they graduate and 84% of those raped, knew their assailant. Of those raped, over 75% involves alcohol."
"I know all this, Esme. I know that could be a possibility. But it doesn't make sense. She would have fought. She would have reported it. There is no way she could have… she's responsible… she's just… she's smarter than that."
Suddenly, Esme's face contorted into a version of my mothers, conveying a strong disgust at what I said.
"Please tell me you are not saying only the irresponsible and ignorant get raped? I swear I'll knock you across the head. And let me tell you. Your mom will hit you harder when I tell her."
"No I'm not saying that. I just… Why would she keep it a secret? Why wouldn't she tell someone? I mean, I understand not wanting to say anything to me But she has great friends. She could talk to them or you or one of the campus advocates. There are so many people who are out there."
I couldn't help but yank my hand away from her tender touch. This conversation was not going where I wanted it to go. Deep down, I knew Bella had been assaulted. It was really the only explanation for the bruises and scratches and the nightmare. But she couldn't have been raped. She wouldn't let herself be raped. It was ridiculous. Unfathomable. It just… couldn't have happened.
Bella's too strong, too confident to allow it. And even if it did… well even if that did happen, she would have reported it. She would have wanted the bastard to fry.
I didn't realize I was lost in my own thought process until Esme gently took my hand again. She squeezed it to call my attention back to her.
"Will you try something with me Edward. It won't hurt. I just need you to trust me and to be honest and answer the questions I'm going to ask you. Do you think you can do that?"
I turned my head up to look her square in the eye. What ever she was trying, whatever exercise she made me do, wasn't going to change that fact that Bella couldn't have been raped. I just had to prove to Esme that she was wrong and then we could get back to the actually reason I came to see her. To find out how to best talk to Bella.
"Edward, have you ever gotten drunk?"
"It's college, Esme."
"Have you ever had sex with someone while you were drunk?"
"Do I have to answer that." That was too much information to share with a relative.
"Yeah, that pretty much was a yes, my dear nephew," she chided me. "Have you ever gotten so drunk that you passed out?" She gave me a very sympathetic look and I had to remind myself that this was counselor Esme and not my aunt.
"Yeah, a few times."
"This next question is hard, but I need you to be honest with me. There is no judging here, okay?"
"Okay."
"Have you ever gotten so drunk that you blacked out and when you woke up there was someone with you and you realized you had sex and couldn't remember it?"
I had to look down before I could mutter my response. It had only happened twice and as much as I hated sharing, I promised her I would be honest.
"Yeah."
Esme reached over and brought my face parallel to hers again. There was a moment of silence before she continued.
"Now with this last question, I need you to think about your feelings. Concentrate on what your reactions would be. Okay?"
"Okay."
"You have one of those nights, where you are so drunk that you black out. You don't know what went on or what happened. When you wake up you are in a strange place, in a strange bed and you are not alone. You know something sexual happened because you know your body. You feel sore, you can tell you are bruised. And when you look to see who is next to you, and you see him."
It took a minute to process her last word and then I corrected her. "Esme, don't you mean her? There wouldn't be a him. There is no way in hell I'd let a guy screw me. That's just crazy." I practically jump up from the couch. "It's fucking embarrassing that you would even say that."
"Edward. That is the point."
"Huh?"
"Think about what you just said to me. There's no way that would happen. That's crazy. I'd never let that happened. It's too embarrassing even to discuss it. That is what a person who has been sexually assaulted or raped feels like."
I couldn't help but shake my head in denial and return to my perch on the couch.
"If that did happen to you, would you tell anyone?"
"Esme. That's just fucking different. That would never happen."
"Edward. Every person on this campus, male or female believes it will never happen. And the feelings you just spoke about. Those are the reason a victim stays silent. If your resident was assaulted and from what you said, I believe she was, she probably knows who did it, she sees him constantly around campus. If he's part of a larger social group, then not only does she feel violated but also threatened and embarrassed. With all those feelings and fears stacked against her, do you really think she would come forward and tell someone?"
And just like that I was beaten. I just hit the matt after going 12 rounds with George Forman. All of my reasons, excuses, the unattainable pedestal I had inadvertently put Bella on, were wiped away by my aunt's honest truth. Not only was I down for the count, but I was also sinking. If Bella was sexually assaulted, if she was… How was I going to talk to her? How could I help her? How could I even face her?
She would see that I knew. She would comprehend the look in my eyes when I caught her gaze. She would…. Oh God. She would avoid me. She would be embarrassed. I would lose her.
I would lose her? Is she even mine?
"Edward, are you friends with this resident?" Esme's voice brought me back from my thoughts.
"Yes."
"Do you think you could convince her to come talk to me?"
"No."
"Edward, you are going to have to be very careful how you handle this. The best thing you could do is convince her to come talk to me. And that will be really hard to do."
I could only shake my head as reality sunk into my bones.
"Edward, what is her name?"
"What?"
"What is her name, Edward?"
I knew how to answer that. All the training I've received said, if you suspect a crime has been committed, to report it. I knew that Esme would protect that information and do what ever she could to help Bella, but…
"I can't tell you her name, Esme."
"Edward. This is serious. It's very important that I know who she is."
"I'm sorry. I just can't."
I could tell the she was about to argue with me. Her eyebrows even converged to tell me that wasn't the answer she wanted. It must be a genetic defect. My mother could do the same thing whenever I refused her.
To spare a lecture that I'm sure was in my forecast; I quickly stood and grabbed the office door. I couldn't just leave her hanging though, so as I stood with handle in my hand, I turned back to my aunt.
"Esme, I really appreciate this. But please know I can't tell you right now. I can't betray her."
"Edward, wait." Esme followed my movement and was now standing with me at the door. She brought up her delicate hand and grasped my shoulder. "You must remember that she…your resident is a victim and even though your first instinct is to confront her, that is not the best way to handle it. You have to be patient and respectful and above all else non-judgmental. You also need to reassure her and be supportive. If you can gained enough of her trust than you can advise her to seek help."
Before I could stop it, she pulled me into a tight hug. Without pulling away, she spoke into my ear. "Please. Please know that all I want to do is help. I am here for her and for you. I love you, Edward,"
I couldn't help but squeeze her back. "I love you too, Esme." One more squeeze and I silently pulled away and was out the door. If she held me any longer I would have spilled out Bella's name. That was another family trait, the longer the hug, the more is revealed.
The walk back towards the dorm was much slower. I was letting my conversation with my aunt sink in. The stupid part of this equation was that every word was already ingrained. It was the comprehension that was agonizingly difficult.
Bella had been hurt. Bella might have been assaulted. Bella might have been sexually assaulted. Bella might have been raped. Might have been. Probably. Those words were easier to swallow than the all encompassing, gigantic word that was definitely.
How was I ever going to talk to her if she…
Might have been…
Probably….
Oh God. Definitely….
Stop.
What word comes before all those scenarios?????
Bella.
Bella comes before all those words. Her name leads every one of those sentences. Written down, her name is capitalized, not because it's a proper noun, but because it is first. And what ever comes after that beautiful, name, really doesn't mean much. Because even though those things might have, probably, definitely happened, Bella was more important then all of them.
A/N A few things you should know. First the stats that Esme gives Edward are true. I gathered them from the U.S department of Justice. I understand that this is a fanfiction, but I take this topic very serious.
Second, I hope everyone understood where I was going when Esme said Him and not Her. 92% of victims of date rape are females. Date rape is very difficult for men to empathize with and I wanted to give a scenario that would help a male relate better to the topic.
Third, the health center at St. Lawrence University actually did house the worst drug using frat on campus, until they lost their charter and house.
So, you all get two chapters in 1 day. Yeah, I know you are so happy now. Please show me your happiness. Review Reveiw, send me lots of lovin' reviews.
