A/N The powers that be have informed me that I do not own these characters, which I already knew. I think they just wanted to bug me.
I was standing under a tree again. People must think I have a tree fetish. Across the quad by the student union, Bella and Alice were sitting on a bench, the same piece of wood that supported my ass a few days ago. I wondered if there was plaque nailed to it saying "Donated in honor of Alice Brandon'. I wouldn't put it past her. She could forever lay claim to a part of St. Lawrence.
After speaking to Esme, I was a man on a mission. She might have, could have, definitely been raped but she was still Bella. And I could help her. I could touch her in such an innocuous way to subconsciously remind her that my touch was different. My touch could replace, erase, and eliminate all other. I could send her silent messages through my eyes, telling her that I knew and that it was going to be all right. I could just walk up to her and help It disappear.
But then I saw Alice with her, and my feet grew roots by the old maple. And now I was screwed, looking like a total idiot staring at the brown-eyed girl on the bench next to her pixie best friend.
Esme could have told me.
Esme should have told me.
She should have warned me that nobody has a life altering epiphany on the way home from the college-counseling center. It was no wonder my feet cemented themselves into the moist earth. Because the earth had moisture, water and nutrients, and standing under this tree, I was the proverbial fish out of water.
I went to Esme for help. She gave me help. It was supposed to point me in the right direction, lead my horse to water. It was supposed to be … momentous.
But it wasn't. She didn't show me the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, the yellow brick road. Like Dorothy, I expected her to lead me in the general direction of the road. In reality, all she did was point out the ruby slippers and they weren't even on my feet. I had to find my own yellow brick road and take the girl on my right, who was wearing the ruby slippers, down the path with me.
Because Esme is a fucking genius and knows that Dorothy can't take the road alone.
I was dazed and confused and lost in the Land of Oz, when the sound of Bella's grasp snapped me back to reality. My attention focused just in time to see Alice's fingers clench around Bella's arm. It was the spot right above her elbow. The skin was most likely now an ugly shade of purple-green and very tender. Bella yelped and Alice pulled her hand away.
My muscles tensed in an involuntary reaction. I was just about to break my bonds with the earth when a strong hand grabbed my shoulder.
"Let her do this," Jasper commanded into my ear. I jerked my shoulder at my asinine intruder, but his fingers just dug further into my flesh.
"This is between Bella and Alice."
I couldn't help it. My tension eased at the sound of her name, but not my frustration and I rounded on Jasper.
He immediately took the defensive and placed his other hand on my unoccupied shoulder. His face was calm but his eyes demanding. "This is between Bella and Alice," he repeated.
"What the fuck, Jazz?" I couldn't help it. My mouth spoke before my brain engaged. I spun around so I could regain the view I previously had of Alice and Bella.
Bella was standing now, towering over Alice. She was talking, no arguing and Alice just remained on the bench listening. Alice then leaned towards her slightly, stretching her hand out to her friend. Bella snapped, "No. Just leave me alone." Her loud words cut across the quad to Jasper and me.
As Bella stalked away, I felt Jaspers grasp loosen. His demeanor mimicked Alice's distraught form. I couldn't help but feel the weight of defeat hang in the air around us.
Instinctively, my eyes followed Bella as she walked away from Alice, her best friend for 4 years. She walked almost parallel to me before shifting her weight and halting. She readjusted her bag and in doing so turned directly at me. Her face was flushed and red. I didn't need a magnifying glass to see the tears threatening to blur her vision. For a moment, we looked at each other, and then she turned back towards Alice.
When she brought her face to mine again, she no longer looked broken. She looked mad and I could feel the heat flowing from her accusatory eyes. She steadied her bag, straightened her back and stormed away.
Oh, shit.
I have been around the opposite sex long enough to know that look. Alice said something to piss her off. And that glare I just received told me that in Bella's feminine mind, I was somehow to blame. I instantly became the asshole. Not her pushy, perky friend, but the piano playing resident assistant.
Now what the hell do I do?
I couldn't just run after Bella. That would definitely make her angrier. So I did the next best thing, I turned on Alice as she walked up to Jasper.
"What did you do?"
"Nothing."
"That," I pointed my finger in Bella's last known direction "was. Not. Nothing."
"Hey," Jasper piped in. "Don't take this out on Alice."
"Why not?" I snapped. "Why did you have to push her?"
"Because she's my friend," Alice threw back at me, while taking a step closer. "She needs to tell me what happened."
"She doesn't need to tell you anything. Do you even know what you are talking about, Alice?"
"Look, I know something happened. I know she was hurt. She needs to tell me so we can fix this. So I can help her fix it."
"You grabbed her arm, Alice? You hurt her."
"I didn't hurt her. I just want her to stop pretending that everything is fine. She is not fine, Edward. She can't hide it anymore. I won't let her."
"You won't let her?"
"Look, Edward. I've known Bella a lot longer. She doesn't share her problems. She lets them eat at her because she doesn't want to burden others. She keeps everything inside. She's kept this in too long. It's time for her to face it."
"I forced her to face it and once she's cooled off, I can talk to her. It's the best way to deal with this." Alice lightly touched my arm in an effort to cool my temper. It didn't work.
I could literally feel the blood boil in my veins.
"The best way to deal with it. Do you even know what the fuck you are dealing with? Do you have any idea what really happened? Or is this some psychic intuition of yours that's telling you that… forcing her… hurting her, is the best way to help?" I couldn't help but pinch the bridge of my nose in an effort to reign in the rage that was flowing inside of me. "You really think she's gonna fucking talk to you after that!"
"Hey man, back off. Alice is just trying to help." Jasper was playing mediator and failing miserably.
"Look, why the hell are you even yelling at me?" It was Alice's turn to throw the verbal punches. "You're her R.A. and you haven't paid her shit since sophomore year. And now all of the sudden YOU are telling ME how to talk to my best friend. You think you know what's best for Bella? You don't know shit, Edward. She's not a problem that needs to be rescued and saved."
"No Alice, she's not. But she's not some doll that will talk if you pull her string hard enough."
"ENOUGH!" Jasper growled at us before taking a firm stand between us. "This is bullshit. Knock it off." He turned on both of us but I couldn't help feeling that his rant was directed more towards me than his girlfriend. "You are both on the same side and I swear to God, if Bella heard any of this crap, you would both be screwed."
"Alice, I know you want to help. She's your best friend." When her venomous eyes turned on Jasper, he added, "You've known her a long time. She trusts you. But maybe pushing her right now is not the best move. I know she needs to get it out, but you can't force her."
"And Edward. Alice is right. She knows Bella. Christ, they were roommates and are best friends. Why are you being such an over protective prick? Why do you care so much?" Jasper volleyed his eyes between the two of us before finally settling on me. It was like being reprimanded by my father. "I know you guys were friends."
"Are friends," I snapped out.
"Okay… are friends. But jumping down Alice's throat is not going to help. You must have had to deal with this stuff before being an R.A. Has she said anything to you? Do you have any idea what might have happened?"
And here enters the big conundrum. Do I share my newfound knowledge of what could have, might have, definitely happened to Bella, or do I continue to play the ignorance card? I honestly didn't know what was better. I knew that Jasper, and most of all Alice, cared about Bella and they were only trying to help. But I couldn't ignore the nagging feeling that sharing with them that Bella could have been raped was strictly taboo. It was too personal, and it wasn't my secret to share. It was the same feeling of protectiveness that overcame me in Esme's office. Even if I knew precisely what had happened, I would not betray Bella.
So I did something totally out of the norm for me. I conceded and lied. "I don't know what happened," trying to sound oblivious. I turned directly to Alice, semi-remorseful, "I'm sorry, I snapped at you. I just don't like seeing her hurt."
Alice stared at me for a moment and then unexpectedly gave me a hug. "I know you care about her, but just let me talk to her. I know I pissed her off, but Bella doesn't know how to stay mad. She'll calm down, and then I'll talk to her."
I pulled away from her tiny arms and looked her dead in the face. "I really hope you're right, Alice." I had to say it, even as my gut seized at the words. I turned, giving Jasper a pat on the back in the customary male form of communicating 'no hard feelings?" He slapped my back in return, reassuring me that things were cool. Then I walked away, because I had to.
There were so many things wrong with this situation. I truly wanted to verbally pound Alice into the ground. How could she possibly know how to talk to a victim of rape? Even if that person was her best friend. I should have said something.
But I didn't. I couldn't. Jazz was right. Bella would be devastated to know Alice and I were arguing over her. That was the only reason I swallowed my pride and apologized. Bella was suffering enough. I would never add to that by allowing her to know that her friends were fighting over her.
I was her friend. I was protecting my friend. I just wanted to help Bella. But that was just…bullshit. Jasper' blatant accusation hit me deep and it reverberated in my bones and blood.
"Why are you being such an over protective prick? Why do you care so much?"
Why did I care so much? Why was I so protective? Why was I so worried about her being hurt? Why was I being such an ass to the people Bella was closest to? Why was I so invested?
Why?
Why?
And then it hit me. She was important. Not because she was my resident. Not because she was the beautiful person I knew two years ago. She was just…
Important.
To me…
I followed on the path that Bella had headed down. I didn't know where she was going when she gave me her ocular version of a death ray. All I knew was the direction and my body and mind were demanding that I follow it. She was important. Too important not to follow.
A half a mile down the path the gravel split, one way leading to the campus bookstore, the other to the university equestrian stables. I veered towards the bookstore. Bella was not a horse person.
I entered and caught her brown locks by the literature section. I didn't approach her, because to be honest, I was too much of a chicken-shit and had no clue what I would say. I walked around the store, trying to collect my thoughts. I meandered through the music aisles glancing at artists I haven't paid attention to in years, all the while keeping a close watch on those brown tresses that were calling me. She hovered by the classics. I could only imagine the books she was looking at.
Suddenly she grabbed one and headed towards the checkout. Unfortunately, the music section I was firmly entrenched in was between her and the checkout. Fate hated me, because she turned down my aisle to get to the cashier.
"Bella, please." I made the first move, not having any other choice.
"Get away from me."
"Bella, I swear I didn't do anything."
"If you didn't do anything, then why the hell are you following me? You told her. You are the only one who could have said anything." She took a breath trying to steady herself. "I trusted you. I wanted to trust you and you fucking told her. I'm not an idiot…"
"I never said you were an idiot." It was the stupidest reply I could come up with.
"I saw your face when I tripped that night. You tried so hard not to say anything about my arm. You tried so hard to be nice. And then when I wouldn't talk to you about it this morning, you went to Alice. You fucking told Alice," she hissed at me.
I wanted the ground to suck me into hell. She thought I told Alice. I didn't tell a soul, but she thought I betrayed her.
"Bella, I didn't…"
"Don't. I don't want to hear it. I thought you had changed. I thought I could…" Her shoulders slumped at those last words. She cast her eyes toward the floor, defeated. Before I could utter another word, she dropped her intended purchase and bolted out the door, leaving me sinking.
I didn't move. I couldn't. I just stood there in the bookstore's T-Z section of CD's looking at the novel she discarded at my feet.
The Scarlet Letter by Nathanial Hawthorne.
My conversation with Esme flooded back to me. Victims are embarrassed. Victims are scared. Victims are silent.
But Hester Prynne couldn't be silent. She was forced to wear the emboldened letter A for the entire world to see. That's why Bella picked the book. Even though her letter was invisible, she would always feel that R burned upon her chest.
I choked back the bile that rose in the back of my throat.
Alice was wrong in her approach, but right in her intentions. Bella would never share this. She would keep this hidden. What happened to her would eat at her soul until only tiny pockets of her sanity were left. And without help and support, that too would wither.
I wanted to yell out an apology to Alice, but that would have to wait. I had to find Bella. And unlike Alice, I would not let her walk away.
I stopped by her dorm. There was no answer. I even opened her door with the master key that I refused to return.
I called Alice. She hadn't heard from Bella.
I checked the campus pub, only to get berated by Emmett and Jake for refusing to come over to the house and finish up the music mix for tomorrows after pinning party.
I went to the library, and God finally shone upon me.
Bella was working the checkout along with her friend Angela. I slipped in and hurried over to hide in the reserved section. I heard a loud moan of annoyance signifying she caught me, but I ignored it.
I found a table that was just out of her visual range, but gave me a solid view of most of the check out desk and exit. She was located farthest away from the door, so I would immediately know if she was leaving. I sent up a silent prayer that she wouldn't use any employee entrances. I grabbed an insignificant book off the shelf and settled in.
It seemed like ages before she finally prepared to leave the library. I noticed Angela grabbing her bag, too. This should have frustrated me, but it didn't. I wanted to talk to Bella alone, but beggars can't be choosers. I grabbed my jacket and stood, waiting for her to make the first move.
She saw me and gave me a look so fierce I felt my resolve waver. They were out the library door before I recovered.
I should just let her go. She was still furious. She needed more time to cool off. This can wait.
No. This can't wait. This is important. She is important. She is important to me, and I will not let her think for another moment that I betrayed her. I will not let her wear that letter alone.
I caught up to her fifty yards from the library.
"Bella," I called.
"Get away from me."
"Please. I just want to talk to you."
"You did enough talking for one day." Her words stung and her step stayed constant. She was walking straight down the path away from the library with Angela at her side.
She was walking away. She was getting away, and I needed her to listen, so I did something utterly desperate.
I ran around them and blocked their path, dropping my backpack in a vain attempt to block her exit.
"Christ Edward, what the hell are you doing?" Bella's voice was pure hatred.
I directed my next words to Angela. I didn't want to embarrass Bella any further then I already had.
"Angela. Please give me a few minutes. You don't have to go far," I pleaded.
Angela stood steadfast by her friend, until Bella nodded. Then she stepped back a few paces but stayed within hearing distance.
It was now or never, and I could not live with never. I looked at Bella.
"I'm in front of you because I need to talk to you. I didn't tell Alice anything, because what she did today hurt you."
"She loves you and cares about you but she was wrong. She was wrong to push you. She was wrong to grab you."
"You have no idea how much I want to hold you, to stop you and make you believe me. But I won't touch you, because touching you right now would hurt you. I could never hurt you. I could never cause you pain."
Her breath hitched.
"I would never do that, Bella. I will never do that to you. So as much as I want to hold you, and comfort you, I won't. I'm here because it is the only thing I know to do to make you listen. I care about you too much." My eyes pleaded with her.
"You are too beautiful to ever be marked by pain."
The autumn silence was deafening, until a weary cry broke through the stillness. Her knees wobbled slightly as her internal damn broke over her. I was to her in an instant, just in time to catch her as she sagged towards the ground.
The last time I held her as she cried, she held her own. This time her grief was overpowering and I tightened my arms around her, shouldering her weight and burden as it finally consumed her.
A/N I have an awesome Beta in Twilightzoner and I just wanted you all to know.
I only wish real life provided all of us with a knight in shining armour with gorgeous green eyes, but alast, reality is cruel. That's why we read fanfic. I love you all for reading and reviewing. This is a tough subject and you all give me support and strength to continue.
Thank you thank you thank you.
BellaBeth
