A/N Stephenie Meyers sat in a chair. Stephenie had a great tale to share. So Twi-ction, and TZ, Angstgoddess and me. Could all write great stories. For you all to read.
I always thought that "cry yourself to sleep" was just a thing moms referenced in stories about their crazy cranking infants. My mom often used the phrase at family gatherings when people would ask if I was a good sleeper as a baby.
"Oh, yes. He sleeps through the night, once he's cried himself to sleep" she would always cheerfully reply as if she was vying for the mother of the year award for accomplishing the amazing feat of having her 5-month old sleep through the night.
Tonight I understood the phrase and I have to say I will never let my own child cry itself to sleep, alone in a bed with bars like a prison.
It was well past midnight before Bella finally succumbed to slumber and only after I gave my word to her insistent pleading not to leave her alone. How could I ever leave her alone? We were in my room, curled up on my bed.
Angela and I had tried to get her into her room, but her convulsive hysterics quickly ended that plan.
"Please don't. Please, don't leave me alone."
Those were the only discernable words we could comprehend as Angela and I stood bracing her at her doorway. I bent at every command she uttered. Besides, there was no way in hell I was going to search her for her key. It was also the one night I didn't have the master building key on me, not like it would have made a difference.
Angela was awesome. Angela is awesome. I need to smack some sense into Ben. He has a damn good thing looking straight at him and he's just oblivious.
At the first sob from Bella, Angela was at her side, helping me hold her up, grabbing my backpack from the ground. She spoke softly to Bella, hushing her, reassuring her as we both brought her away from the library. If I hadn't been so preoccupied I would have been at awe in how calm and collected Angela was. She was the safety room during a tornado and I for one grabbed on to her grounding strength. It was her constancy that made me rethink my next actions.
I so wanted to just pick Bella up and cradle her in my arms. But Angela's presence halted my actions and not because carrying Bella would be slightly embarrassing to us both.
I didn't follow my instinct because a disturbing thought passed though me. What if He had picked her up? Would holding her bring about a flash of memory and cause her even more pain? Was it even okay to put my arms around her? I already subconsciously avoided handling her upper arms. I don't think I could ever touch her there again after seeing her reaction to Alice this afternoon.
And that's when it hit me. Angela and I were helping Bella back to the dorm when the hatred washed over me.
He fucked everything up. He destroyed her trust in anyone who could and would love her. I wanted to touch her, but I couldn't. I wanted to console her, but didn't know where to put my hands. I wanted to say something, but didn't want to say something already spoken. And then the bile of revulsion crept up my throat as I accepted the fact that he shattered so many firsts that could have been.
On the walk back to the dorm, holding onto a precious creature that was so traumatized, I realized that I could truly hate. I allowed myself these few moments of fierce loathing, knowing that Angela, a person I didn't really know, would pick up the slack and sooth and comfort Bella. And honestly if I opened my mouth, I would not be able to hide my anger.
I hated him. I hated the person that could break such a beautiful light. I hated that he touched her first. I hated that his scent would forever linger in her pores, in her memory. The feeling that this created in the pit of my stomach was indescribable. Only her sobs and tears only dampened the fire that was trying to consume me.
I had to keep control. I had to keep calm. I had to concentrate on the only true thing that mattered right now. Bella. Knowing her, she would pick up on my emotions and automatically blame herself. I needed to prevent that at all cost.
Once we got Bella into my room, I stood back and allowed Angela to continue to console her. Her whispers were calming as she stroked Bella's sweaty hair away from her face. "It's okay sweetie. It's okay. You are going to be all right. It's going to be okay." I let her words flow through me helping me to further control my feelings.
"Edward, could you get some water, please?" Angela asked. I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. Angela was leading and I was relieved to be given a task to perform.
"I don't have any here. I'll run down to the dorm store and be right back." I grabbed my wallet from my backpack and left the room, leaving Bella curled up on my bed with her head in Angela's lap.
Thank God I didn't have to go far. It was another huge benefit of my dorm. It had its own mini store in the basement. While I was getting the water, I decided a few other items might be needed - a box of Kleenex, two bottles of coke, some sour cream and onion chips and a few chocolate bars. Packed with my comfort food supplies, I headed back to my room.
I turned the corner to my hall and was surprised to see Emmett walking towards my door.
"Emmett," I called over to him.
"There you are. What the hell, Edward. You were supposed to help me out for tomorrow night."
I actually hit my hand on my head in a physical representation of my forgotten obligation. "Dude, I am really sorry. Something came up."
He eyed me suspiciously. "Something came up the required you to buy a shit load of crap food?"
Crap. Emmett was mad and that was not an emotion he expressed often. I had to somehow smooth this over without spilling the beans.
"Look, man. I really am sorry. Something is going on with my hall and I really needed to take care of it." I could tell my semi-honest explanation was working, but he still looked annoyed.
"Do you at least have that CD you promised to make?"
"Yeah. I got it right in my room. I'll get it for you." Then something occurred to me. "Do you mind waiting out here while I go get it."
"Why?" Suddenly, Emmett's gaze flashed in anger. "You have a girl in there. You fucking blew me off for a girl."
My stomach tensed at his accusation and immediately jumped to the defensive. "No, I didn't blow you off for a girl. I told you, I have some resident shit to deal with. Don't be an ass, Emmett. You know me better than that."
"Yeah, because your track record last year really puts you on a high celibacy pedestal," he snapped back.
Just as my snotty retort lay on the tip of my tongue, Murphy's Law showed up. Angela opened my dorm room door, and I seriously thought that Emmett was going to swing one at me. His face was furious, because he and everyone in our fraternity knew of Ben's obsession with Angela.
"We can hear you, and it's really not helping," she quipped. I caught on to her usage of the plural pronoun immediately. It took Emmett a moment longer. As if to verify that his hearing was up to par, he glanced into my room. On my bed, Bella was still curled into a ball, only now my pillow cushioned her head instead of Angela. There was no misinterpretation of the red streaks down her cheeks and the gasping of her breath.
"Did you get the water?" Angela asked, obviously still in command of the situation. I nodded and handed her my over-stuffed snack bag. She took it and quickly disappeared back into my room, closing the door behind her.
I stared at Emmett, waiting. I was actually surprised. It took a full minute for him to digest the situation and find his vocal chords to again. "Edward. What's going on?"
I took a deep breath, then another in the hopes of buying more time to formulate my response.
"I told you. I have some resident stuff to take care of."
"Bullshit. Bella is crying on your bed with Angela. Is she okay? Is she hurt? What the hell happened, Eddie?"
Whoa, the explicative didn't catch my attention. No, he had to use my forbidden nickname. Other idiot friends of mine used that term to tease and torment. Emmett on the other hand only called me Eddie when he was truly serious and troubled as he was tonight.
"Look Em, I really can't get into it. Please understand." I placed my hand on his shoulder in a show of my complete sincerity. He nodded in understanding. Emmett was smart and intuitive. I could never understand how so many people underestimated him.
"Do you want me to get Alice or Rose?"
I couldn't help but squeeze his shoulder in a silent gesture of camaraderie. He, too, wanted to help, but I wasn't ready to let anyone else into the tiny circle of support that Angela and I had established outside the library.
"I don't think now is a good time." His face fell at my dismissal but I couldn't have that so I threw him a lifeline. "I will call you if I need anything. I promise" I proclaimed, giving his shoulder another masculine squeeze.
"Okay." He was resigned in slight defeat, but some how understood the gravity of the situation. This is why Emmett is such a good friend. He didn't push. He accepted, and he perpetually hung out in the background ready to jump if asked.
"I have to get back in there."
"It's okay. Go. I understand, Edward." It was his turn to grasp my shoulder. He sent me an encouraging smile before turning back down the hall.
"Oh, wait, Emmett, I have your CD. Give me a minute, and I'll get it for you."
"You can give it to me tomorrow. I can wait." And with that he vanished through the fire doors.
I entered my room to find the familiar scene Angela sitting on my bed with Bella's tear-leaking face resting in her lap again. Angela was holding the opened bottle of Fuji water I just bought, but its contents were still at the brim.
There was a flow of silent words that flowed between us. But because we were both too afraid to verbalize them out loud, Angela gently lifted Bella's head and placed under it one of my blue pillows. Bella let out a sigh of relief as she buried her face in my pillow. It reminded me of last night.
Angela gestured for us to move outside, but I was too leery of leaving Bella alone. As if telepathic, Angela left the door cracked as we entered the hall.
"Thank you so…" I started, but was cut off.
"Edward, Bella hasn't said anything to me. But I have picked up a lot in her actions. Last night, she freaked out at work, asking me to cover so she could leave early. Tonight, she's all upset because you perched yourself in the reserve section watching her."
"I wasn't spying."
"I know you weren't. I heard what you said to her outside of the library. The point is, she has been holding something in and it's really starting to scare me. The way she left work yesterday was not right, and if I weren't working tonight, I would have been in the reserve section too.
I didn't voice my own concerns but nodded, letting Angela know we were on the same path.
"I could take her back to my room. But I think she should stay here."
"But she didn't want to go to her room."
"I know. I think she should stay here…with you."
"Huh?"
"Edward, Bella feels safe with you and right now that is what she needs. She needs that more than a sleepover with me."
"I'm not really sure about that," I admitted to Angela. "You were the one who was comforting her. I really think she would be more at ease with you." I tried blurring the underlining truth to my statement. There was no way I was going to tell Angela that Bella might not want to be in a room, alone, with a guy, on a bed, behind a door.
"Sometimes it is better to have someone near you that you're not close to." She paused, seeming to choose her next words carefully. "You tend to be more honest when it isn't your best friend. Does that make sense?"
Strangely enough, what Angela said did make sense. Why else do bartenders know the personal lives of their patrons and people share intimate secrets in a chat room but not with their families.
On one side, I was in awe at Angela's intuitiveness. The other side was scared shitless because she was entrusting me with Bella. She had been in such command of the evening that I felt like the leader was abandoning the troops.
"Just let me know how it goes," she requested, driving the final nail in.
"Wait? You can't just leave." I began a true girly mini-panic attack. "You should stay for a bit. At least say good-bye to Bella." Did I actually possess a whiny bitch voice?
Angela leaned close and gave me a hug. It was quick and strong, but most importantly reassuring. "You're going to be fine. If you need anything, just call." She handed me a piece of paper with scribbled numbers on it. "Tell Bella I'll see her in the morning." She then followed the same path outlined by Emmett and was soon gone.
I honestly wanted to meld with the hall paint and forget what was behind door number one. But I couldn't. I refused. And so I turned the knob and entered.
Bella hadn't really moved except to cradle my pillow to her head instead of just lay on it. She was holding it with all her strength, and the sight made my limbs move without conscious thought.
I was by her side, kneeling, my hand was softly stroking her hair in a meager attempt to imitate Angela. Her eyes closed at my touch and her sweet breath washed over me.
"Can I get you anything?" I asked, continuing my ministrations.
"Please stay." Her voice was so weak. I could feel my eyes start to sting from the salt infiltrating my orbs.
"I'm not leaving." It was with extreme effort that my voice was steady.
Moments passed. The wall clock my uncle had gotten me was a metronome of time, words unspoken, chances passed.
420 clicks. "Will you lie with me?"
After 120 clicks, I replied, "Yes." I crawled over her, as she was closest to the outer edge. I made sure there was clearance between our bodies before settling hard against the wall, terrified of what the contact could trigger.
60 clicks and she reached her hand back and found mine, bringing it across her waist to be cradled to her chest, folded under her arm. Her one hand was nestling her head, the other pulled mine towards her heart.
40 clicks before she emitted a burden laden sigh. I couldn't help but pull her closer to me.
20 clicks and she spoke again. "Edward."
I held my breath, waiting, until her soft whisper broke the silence.
"I was raped."
She said it.
She said the words.
She said those words.
My mind raced as the verbal impulses of my brain connected to the muscular neurotransmitters and I literally felt myself drowning. There was no water and air still surrounded me, but the urge to twitch, to grasp, to struggle towards the surface was so completely overwhelming that I felt if I didn't give in to these needs and urges, I would die.
But then a sniff and a breath and a shudder of a warm body so tightly pressed to mine brought me focus and suddenly I didn't need air anymore. Because it was more important for the being next to me to never know my internal screams and struggles.
Angela said she needed to feel safe. I needed her to feel safe, and against every instinct and nerve and thought in my body, I held fast and did not waver, gasp or even flinch when those words were uttered.
I let them hang in the air for a moment or two, 120 clicks to be precise, before my brain even fired a synapse allowing my limbs to move. And then all my muscles did was pull her closer to me.
Her confession brought back the sobbing torrent of tears, but I was focusing on the metronomic clock and soon, with time, her breaths fell in synch with mine.
When enough time had passed, when I was hopeful that anything I did or said would be beneficial and not detrimental, I spoke. Not words of reassurance or helpfulness. I didn't quote from a poem or even the bible. These were four words not ones you'd expect, but still so utterly important.
"You are still beautiful," I whispered into her ear.
Her clutch on my hand became painful as she curled herself under my arm, almost burying herself underneath me. Her cries returned, but there was almost a sense of relief in the rhythm of her sobs. It was like she was relieved to say the words and find the right reply.
And so she cried. She cried and shuddered and purged. And finally when she had nothing else to give, she passed into sleep. And I just held her never, ever wanting to let her go.
A/N First of all, thank you goddess of Beta's Twilightzoner and huge hugs and shouts to all you awesome readers and reviewers. I'm not known for always replying to your great reviews, but I read, reread, and re-reread them. They help so much when I'm stuck or having a tough day. So thank you.
now go forth and review.
