A/N I wish I had a witty rhyme to give. The most I could ask is that Stephenie forgives. Because without her wonderful literary players to mimic, I would have long given up on this writing gimmic.
On the walk over to class, my mind and body were on turbo drive. Not third, fourth, or fifth. No, my legs had their own fucking gear with a nitrous button that would put Vin Diesel to shame. The only problem was that the faster my body moved, the more my emotional brain tried to get the fucking emergency brake to work. This was crazy, but this felt right. I liked Bella. Okay, I really liked Bella. But how that hell do you care for someone who has been *&^$. Damn, I can't even say the word right now.
I knew she accepted my friendship. She came to listen to me play at night. She laughed a dozen times for me a few days ago. But that's where the line was drawn. Even her sleeping next to me last night, that boundary was never crossed.
I don't think she would, could, ever put her faith in a man again, even if that man, person, friend was me. How could she? I just had to take whatever I could get. I would give her my shoulder, my hand, my music. I would take anything she offered and reconcile what she couldn't. I would live with that. I would work at living for that, because maybe someday something would change and I wouldn't have to wait forever.
I mean how long does it take for a victim to want to be with another male.
Holy Shit. Fucking A. Did I just really let that thought enter my brain? Christ. What a fucking ass of a person to even think that thought. Maybe Emmett could clock me a good one as some sort of penance.
She would take as long as she needed. And I would just be there for her.
I was now outside the building now. Waiting. Thinking. Having imaginary conversations in my head of what I would say to Bella once I saw her. Damn Alice for meddling with my emotions and pointing out the obvious. These new feelings coursing through me were so different and terrifyingly foreign. Now my head was spinning, my stomach was in turmoil, and my coordination must be tied to my brain function because I fucking tripped and almost landed on my ass outside the building. The gods must be on my side, no one saw me almost make an ass of myself.
Five minutes of standing like an idiot outside the building, I had given up and entered the building to go to class. If hanging outside the building was bad enough, entrenching myself outside the classroom door was even more humiliating. Can anyone say demented stalker. I received 3 freaky stares from girls and 2 menacing looks from two guys who I assumed were on the wrestling team. They were fucking huge. Thank goodness, Emmett is on my side. Well he would be unless I confessed my impure thoughts of Bella. The professor was coming up behind them and I had no choice but to enter the room. The teacher followed me in closing the door with a click
Fuck. Shit. My hope sank to the bottom of my stomach. Bella wasn't coming to class.
My mind started again with a whirlwind of questions, this time focusing on everything I said and did that pertained to last night. Bella was never one to skip class. She didn't skip government with Alice, even though they had a blow out yesterday. My self-confidence was bottoming out. Her skipping class. Her avoiding me at lunch even though I told her I'd see her there. Her leaving my room at the crack of dawn. Being self-centered as all men are, I couldn't help feeling like I did something wrong. And this feeling was so much more depressing after my enlightening confession to Alice.
My mind was consumed and again I wasn't watching where I was going, resulting with my knee plowing into an empty desk. What the hell happened to my coordination?
Snickers from my classmates would have embarrassed me, but my thoughts were elsewhere. It was then as I looked around in embarrassment that I saw her. Bella was already in the class, having taken a seat in the far back corner. My heart jumped in my chest. I waited for her to return it. Maybe another game of how many times can I make her smile. But something was wrong and there was no smile. She didn't even look at me.
I couldn't help looking at her though. Her eyes were abnormally wide as she started at the book in front of her. And her face was extremely pale. It triggered a vague memory. But before I could send her a questioning look, her head dropped down, causing her long hair to fall towards, completely obscuring my view.
Something was wrong and I began racking my brain to figure it out. I took a seat two row across from her, in hopes that I would be able to see her eyes again. But when I couldn't see her face I put my analytical male brain to work.
Was she mad when she left this morning? No, she seemed fine. But then there was that word again fine, so I dropped that question off my mental list.
Did her talk with Alice not go well? No. Alice outright told me that she talked to Bella and that things were better between them.
I shot her another glance, hoping for some clue.
Then it happened. I got it. For a split second I caught her looking back at me. The wide eyes and translucent complexion. Even her lips were pale as if she was sick. My heart twisted. It was the same expression she had the morning Alice and I barged in her room. It was a complete look of humiliation but twinged with…with something else.
There could only be one cause, one reason. And fuck. It did revolve around me. She left my room early this morning. She skipped lunch because I said I would be there. She showed up to class early, just to avoid me.
But why? Why? Why? Why?
Did I say something wrong last night? Was I, to use Alice's words, too pushy. Did I make things worse for her? God, I slept next to her with my arms around her. That alone could have brought up a hundred reasons why she couldn't even look at me.
My rational side tried to reason that last bit of information with my over-emotional side. She asked me to lie next to her. She was the one that took my hand.
If I were a cartoon, I would have a devil on one shoulder, an angel on that other. The devil would be shouting hoorah in an Al Pacino voice for sleeping next to a beautiful girl. The angel would be hitting me with a cast iron skillet for taking advantage of such a vulnerable person. Fucking A. I was really starting to hate philosophy. Id, Ego, Ying Yang. What the hell happened to simplicity? This is the whole reason why men are so confused by women. Women are born with a million switches to a million emotions and they are not labeled.
I could either tie myself into preverbal knots trying to come up with my own reason Bella was looked so embarrassed and shameful at me or I could do the total male thing and avoid her until she was ready to talk to me.
Okay. Crap.
Where do men come up with this shit? Avoiding the situation is just stupid. Fuck it. I decided to just ask her. How hard could it be?
For the remainder of class, I mentally practiced what I would say. I even wrote a few lines in my notebook. How pathetic is that? It shouldn't be this hard. It should be easy. It was easy up until last night. Finding the right words was harder now that I realized how I felt about Bella. She was upset, most likely at something I did and the last thing I wanted was to make it worse.
The teacher started talking about next class's assignment and I knew I only had moments. I took another glance at Bella and realized her things were already packed away and her bag slung over her shoulder. She was ready to bolt the minute class was over.
My assumption was right .The second the words "dismissed" came out of the professor's mouth, Bella was out the door. Screw it. I left my books and notes on the desk and took off after her. I wasn't going to waste time packing my shit up.
"Bella! Wait," I called after her. She was down the stairwell before the words were out. I pushed past students in an attempt to catch up with her. I knew once she got out the building, I'd be screwed.
Taking the steps two at a time, I reached the bottom level just in time to see Bella's backpack glide through a back door. "Bella. Please" I yelled again.
I ran at full steam and crashed through the door. I frantically searched the area in front of me but it was difficult. The sun was bright and my eyes needed time to adjust. I swept the area, looking for any sign of which direction she took. "Bella!"
I finally noticed something. There was something bulky laying on the ground partially obscured behind the trunk of a huge oak about 70 yards away. It was her backpack. I jogged over to the tree. A few steps away, still hidden behind it's massive size, I heard her muffled cries. My paced slowed and before I knew it, I was crouching on the ground in front of her.
Her knees were drawn up to her chest and she was gripping them for dear life. I couldn't see her face; her head was buried in her arms and covered by her long hair.
I reached to touch her arm, but she recoiled. Remembering how successful Alice was at forcing Bella to talk yesterday, I sat down across from her and just waited.
It was agony. Listening to her sobs and her difficulty in breathing between them. Her shoulder quivered and I notice her hands were turning white from the grip she had on her legs. I wanted so much to reach across the space between us, but I didn't think she could handle any contact yet. Truthfully, I didn't know if I could handle her flinching away from me again. Together we sat beneath the oak and let time pass us.
The wind was fluttering the tree above and every once in a while a leaf would tumble to the ground. If I were a poet I would say the tree was crying with Bella. Writers and poets have such a wonderful way with words and saying that would be very appropriate at a time like this. But I was neither and all I could offer was my presence.
"Why are you here, Edward?" She finally spoke but her head was still buried in her harms and her words were muffled. Not truly understanding her garble, I remained silent and prayed she would speak again.
She did, bringing her face parallel to mine. "Why are you here?
"Because I want to."
"Please don't," her voice pleaded.
"What?" I asked trying to understand.
"I need you to leave. I need you to stop looking at me. I can't handle you looking at me like that."
I was taken aback and hurt. She wanted me to go and for a split second I thought maybe that would be best. After all, this is what she wanted and I would do anything for her. I also wished I had a mirror because I had no idea what look was on my face.
But I couldn't. I couldn't leave her. "I don't want to... but she cut me off "How can you stand to be near me? How can you even look at me...after…" her voice broke and she buried her head again.
In my mind it was like finding the final puzzle piece and snapping it into place. Those few words she spoke were enough. And they gave me a big fucking clue. An indication as to why Bella was crying. Why she flinched from my touch. Why she had avoided me most of the day. Why she wanted me to leave. She confessed a deep dark horror to me and somehow believed that would change how I looked at her. It was starting to click. Like that damn clock in my room. She truly felt she was marked. That she was ruined. That people would see her only as a rape victim. That I would only see her as a victim.
My heart broke. It broke into a million pieces.
"I don't want to go anywhere, Bella. I want to be right here." I repeated, gauging her reaction. "I meant what I said last night. You're beautiful. And I can't really tell you about the look on my face because I don't have a mirror. Guys really don't carry around compact mirrors," I teased hoping to lighten the mood.
I didn't imagine it would make her cry harder, but she did. Her shoulder still shaking, but now her whole body trembled. It was too much for me to bear and I took a chance, laying my hand on her forearm. She didn't shy away this time, but brought her other hand on top of mine and squeezed. And there we sat, the short distance between us bridged by an arm and a hand.
When her sob deteriorated into sniffles, I took another chance to sit beside her, leaning together against the tree the ancient oak. My legs had begun to cramp from my previous position, but that was nothing compared to the shame that was ravaging Bella. Even with my adjustment, my hand never left her arm and her grip didn't lessen. In time, Bella even leaned her head against my shoulder.
I remember during my training as an R.A. being instructed on the usefulness of non-communicative techniques. A touch, a sigh, or simply silence could be more powerful then words. Today I experienced it. There were no words of comfort or encouragement. The most important thing I did, was say nothing at all.
"I can't handle your pity," she finally said.
"You don't have my pity."
"How can you have pity for me. Poor defenseless, and weak. How can you not see me differently now?"
"Because you're not really different." She was about to argue to I quickly continued. "Remember when we went out with Alice and Jasper a few weeks after they met. We were walking behind them laughing at them. The two of them were so pathetic, each moving their hand towards the others, but never actually making contact. They were trying to be so coy but the both of them were to chicken shit to make the first more. The way you laughed at their idiocy was precious. You did that two days ago when we were walking to class. It was the same laugh. You had a beautiful laugh then, and an even more gorgeous laugh now." I couldn't help but squeeze her hard tighter as the words flowed from my mouth.
"And I know what he did to you. I saw the bruises, the scratches, all the marks on your arms. You were not defenseless. He was just bigger.
"Aren't you going to say he was stronger too?"
"No. He wasn't stronger. You survived. That makes you stronger."
"Do you have a manual that you read from? Because the things that come out of your mouth never ceases to amaze me."
"Yeah. It's called the Idiot's Guide to Girls. That little tidbit was covered in chapter 5. Seriously though, my brain filter fails every time I'm around you."
A tiny twinkling of a laugh slipped through her lips. For me, the sound represented water to a man dying of thirst. I just sat there and drank it up.
"Are you going to be there tonight?" She asked, her head lowered to her previous position. She was nervous. No she was terrified. And her voice sounded so small and meek.
"I have to. It's this thing we do, where the brother pinning the girl has to have a best man. I get to give a tiny speech and everything." Another giggle erupted from her.
"You think they were actually getting married or something."
"If Emmett could. I think he would. But right now, it's really important for him to give Rosalie this special night." I paused, trying to find the right words for my next concern. "Are you going to go?"
But she didn't even need to answer. The look she gave me said everything. Her eyes bore into mine and I could feel the tension and apprehension, but most of all fear in her gaze. "I don't have a choice."
I realized over the last few days that I was getting to know Bella pretty well, but her desire to go to the pinning, be around the person who could have, might have, done this to her, was beyond my understanding.
"You don't have to go. I'm sure everyone would understand."
In an instant, Bella pulled away from me and gave me the full force of her brown eyes.
"Yeah, they'd understand," Bella snapped, bitterness tainting her voice. "They would totally understand why I would ditch the pinning of one of my best friends. That I would give up my part in a trivial ceremony we do and no one would even ask why. There would be no questions, conversations, and interventions. They would just totally let it slide."
"You know I would be cornered and it would be Alice leading the charge. I have to go. You don't understand." Her voice softening, the pleading becoming apparent again, "And tonight isn't about me. It's about Rosalie and Emmett. And this means the world to them. I can't let them down."
Her head nuzzled back into my shoulder.
The silence hung between us again. Her admission of not wanting to go to my fraternity house, gave more credibility to my theory. I wanted to know. I really needed to know who the fucker was, so I could beat the living shit out of him. Actually so we could beat the shit out of him. I had no doubts that when the truth came out, Emmett and Jasper would be right by my side.
But aside from this vengeful murderous need I felt, I was utterly caught off guard by Bella strength. She would endure the memories, possibly face the vile piece of shit that did this to her, because of her friends. She fascinated me. Captured me with her devotion. She was an enigma to me and now more than anything I wanted to be with her, around her, stay close to her.
I had no right to pull more information out of Bella when she wasn't ready. Patience. Everyone was telling me to have patience. Alice, Emmett, Esme. And all I could do was be patient. I didn't have a choice. I had listen and comfort and refrain from beating the shit out of this motherfucker. Patience. I fucking hated it. To regain some control of my emotions, I turned back to Bella.
"Bella, can I ask you something?"
"It depends." With that response, I knew I had to tread lightly.
"Have you told anyone else?"
"No." The finality of her response left me no room for further silent moments passed between us. The quiet. The serenity. The comfort of her body close to mine, was… I don't think they have a word in the English dictionary for what was flowing between us.
Unfortunately something was gnawing at me and I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Why did you tell me?"
I expected her to pull away, become defensive again and upset. But she didn't move. Well she did, but only to stroke my fingers with her own.
"I don't really know. It's not like I planned it. I wanted to just forget it. I wanted to pretend like it never happened. Maybe if I pretended hard enough, I could convince myself that it was all a horrible nightmare. And then Alice started in with the Spanish inquisition, grabbing my arm, bringing attention to the bruises around my neck that I forgot to cover up and throwing that wonderful screaming fit that woke the whole dorm. I was so pissed. I was angry. I was angry with everyone. And I was so pissed at you. I thought you betrayed me."
"I was trying so hard to be so strong, but then you had to act like an ass in front of the library and say those things. The anger, the fear, the guilt and embarrassment were just too much. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I couldn't handle it. And when you brought me back to you room, I…I felt safe. For the first time I felt safe…protected."
"I wish I could always make you feel safe."
She didn't say anything, just nestled her head further into my shoulder. I was so absolutely drawn to her that I squeezed her closer to my chest.
Take what you can get. Take what you can get.
I wanted to stay by that tree forever. Forget about the pinning, and the party, and all the drunken jackasses we'd have to clean up after when the party was over. I had to go to the pinning. Emmett had asked me to stand up with him and I wouldn't let him down but I'll be damned if I was going to stay for the party.
"Can I ask you a question?" Bella's timidly asked.
"Well that depends," I tried being playful. It helped ease the tension between us some more.
"What do you have to do for the pinning?"
"Well, good thing this isn't Mission Impossible, or I would have to kill you after I told you."
She playfully hit my arm. I loved it.
"I have to do a little thing for Emmett." I hesitated to ask her my next questions. "Would you help me with my part?" Her eyes widened and I sensed she was nervous. "It's really nothing. It would just really help me out. And since you and Rose are such good friends, it makes sense."
"Well are you going to tell me what I have to do?"
"Nah. I like keeping you on your toes. You're cute this way."
She blushed, and threw me a devilish grin.
I moved to get up, not wanting to leave, but inspiration had just and I didn't have much time to put my plan into place.
"Where are you going?" She called after me. But I was too impatient. I had a ton to do in little time, and my first stop in putting my plan into action would be to talk to Emmett.
A/N Sorry for the slight cliffy, but it will be worth the wait. As always, I love Twilightzoner. She is the best. Also check out my companion piece to this story called Stages: Bella's Journal.
It give a lot of insight into Bella's mind.
As always please review. they are the only things that keep me writing. actually they make me write faster so you get more chapter faster.......so get to it.
Bellabeth
