Hello everyone, vjgm here. Welcome to chapter two of our little collaboration. This one is brought to you by qjmom who simply cracks me up with this chapter of hers! The title is Pickles and Pasties…

MWAH to my cohorts in creative crime : OCD_indeed, qjmom, pysmom, and shabbyapple. Love you!

We want to remind everyone tomorrow is the start of the Fandom Gives Back author auction to raise money for a wonderful charity, Alex's Lemonade Stand. Tons of authors are offering themselves up to the highest bidder for this worthy cause. Make sure you visit:

thefandomgivesback(dot)com for information on events and thefandomgivesback(dot)proboards(dot)com which is the auction website.

Enough from me- get reading!

Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, we however own the plot and the twisted minds that created it.

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Two Weeks Later…

Edward POV

"Your Dad's prick, Edward," Mike ground out as the four of us pulled our weary asses into the small "cabin" we were all being forced to share.

The word cabin could only be used loosely in that there were four walls and a roof…and that was it. The small space was taken up by two sets of bunk beds and a closet of a bathroom with a nasty shower and a toilet that everyone was afraid to let come in contact with their bare skin.

"Fuck you, Newton. If you had been able to follow my instructions on the Denali Building we wouldn't fucking be here." I stepped into Mike, blocking his entrance into the room.

This shit is definitely all Mike's fault. I had told the little weasel to sit down and shut up. Instead, in front of clients, the idiot had started to question my authority to make decisions. I want to kick his scrawny neck the bastard.

The day after the Denali debacle, Carlisle called all of us back into his office, and he was still just as pissed off. I had thought that a night away from us would calm him, but no. He was already pacing when we walked into the room, and I for one knew that that wasn't a good sign.

Taking a seat immediately, I waited for my dad to tell us whatever it was he had decided to do with us. I had never seen him so angry. Even when the La Push casino tanked he hadn't been as mad as he was over Denali.

"Alright, boys, I am sick of this shit, and it's going to stop, right now," Carlisle announced. We all just looked at one another. He is actually going to fire us. I mean I can see Newton and Tyler, but Emmett and me? There's no way Mom will let him do that.

"You're all going to learn to work together. All of you are excellent at what you do, and if you would just get along, and control yourselves, Cullen Erections would own this whole fucking town."

I looked around the room, and actually saw Mike and Tyler looking ashamed. Good. At least they realize what fuck-ups they are. Now maybe they'll get in line and follow orders and we can get some work done.

"So, I have signed all of you up for a teambuilding workshop. One week from Monday, you'll all be taken to Volterra Hugs and Healing in Forks where you will spend no less than 48 hours participating in every single teambuilding exercises that they want you to do. And if I hear one word of any of you giving them shit…I will fire ALL of you." My dad looked right at me when he said that to make sure that I understood the fact that I was his son was not going to matter at that point.

So there we were, stuck in the middle of a fucking love fest, and all of us tense as hell.

Emmett pulled me back from my nose to nose with Newton, pushing him me into the small room…and probably saving his life. Mike and Tyler followed, each mumbling obscenities under their breath.

Earlier, when we had arrived, we were forced to give our bags to someone and change into the ridiculous shirts we now wore. Each of us sported a pale pink shirt with a description of our "flaw" on it in neon green. We looked like a bunch of pansies.

My fucking shirt announced to the world that I was CONTROLLING and ANAL RETENTIVE. The shirt Emmett was barely being contained in read, ALOOF and IMMATURE. Newton, of course, was wearing the words PROBLEMS WITH AUTHORITY on his chest. And Tyler had SPEAKS/ACTS WITHOUT THINKING.

The first thing that all of us had agreed on…ever…was that we all wanted to get the hell out of the damn shirts.

Our bags had been deposited just inside the door and as we entered the tiny space, everyone scrambled to claim a bed. Emmett, being the child that he was, immediately went for a top bunk.

"No, fucking way, Cuz," I admonished. "I am not risking your hulking ass falling on me in the middle of the night. You take the bottom, I'll take the top."

"Is that what you say to Bella during sex, Eddie. Always gotta control the situation. Does she ever get to be on top, Edward?" Emmett teased. If the ass wasn't so big, I would have taken him down. But one thing that I am not, is stupid.

"You know, Edward, anal is another word for asshole," Tyler commented from the other top bunk.

He wasn't worth my time or effort, so I just flipped him off and shot back, "Yeah, well this shit is completely your fault, and I feel sorry for Newton, having to sleep under you…wait, I take that back…Mike deserves everything he gets during the night."

"Yeah, nice. Letting one rip, asshole, while we were on that 'Trust Course,'" Mike said to Tyler. "I was right behind you, dude!" Mike and Tyler had ended up rolling on the ground trying to kill or maim one another. That little episode had lost their entire team a steak dinner. Instead, they ended up with a "hearty salad" and fresh fruit. Not nearly enough to satisfy the men. And they had to beg Aro not to tell Carlisle about it, promising to make it up the next day for sure.

"Well, who thought the old man would really send us here…I had just been joking when I'd suggested a team building retreat," Tyler offered. Three heads swiveled to glare at him.

"What? This fucking love fest was your idea?" My focus was immediately on killing Tyler. Suddenly he did seem completely worth the effort to actually kill him.

"Hey, anyone catch that Alec guy staring at my ass during yoga?" Emmett offered, trying to ease the tension and stop the shit before he had to actually start pulling me off Tyler, I was sure.

"Let's just go to bed. I can't deal with you morons anymore without risking a felony murder wrap," I huffed out as I dug into my bag for my sweats and a t-shirt.

I'm so burning this fucking thing when I get home. If Bella ever saw that shit, I would never hear the end of it. Thinking of Bella and the fact that I wasn't going to have her warm body next to me tonight I crawled into the top bunk.

"Your turn to clean the kitchen," James said as he walked past me, Laurent right behind him laughing quietly. What the fuck? Why are those hammer swingers telling me to clean their kitchen?

The door slammed as I rounded the corner into the kitchen and let out a loud curse. I couldn't believe what a mess the place was. The garbage can was overflowing, dishes were piled so high in the sink I worried that they would topple over at any moment.

A piece of paper on the refrigerator caught my eye and I walked over to examine it. It was a schedule of sorts. It seems that I live with the two apes…fan-fucking-tastic. My name was definitely listed as being in charge of cleaning the kitchen today. James had the bathroom and Laurent the living room. It appeared we shared cleaning duties, but judging by the state of the kitchen, those two left all the work for me.

"What am I? Cinderella?"

"Well, you are so damn picky that things be done to your exact specifications that your roommates have decided to let you do all the cleaning." I jumped at the intrusion of a voice that I didn't recognize coming from behind me.

I turned around to see a tall, blond guy dressed in a pale blue button up shirt that kind of sparkled in the florescent lights and faded jeans covering a well worn pair of cowboy boots. He was leaning casually against the wall near the door to the kitchen. Another roommate?

"Yeah, well…if this is what the kitchen looks like, I'm really not looking forward to my turn in the bathroom."

"See, here's the thing, Eddie," I cringed at the nickname, "this is all your own doing. You need to loosen up, my man…and that's why I'm here."

"Uhhhh…okay?"

"Jasper," he introduced himself. "I'm your Fairy Godmother…fuck I hate having to say that! You know, I petitioned to have it changed to Fairy Godperson, but the bitch brigade that dominates my profession vetoed it." He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a deep breath. "Anyways, you know the way things work here…you get a wish and I'll make it come true…yadda, yadda, yadda…things go awry…yadda, yadda, yadda…you learn a lesson."

My mouth was hanging open. This shit just can't be happening. I mean fairies are mythical creatures that don't exist…right?

"So? What will it be?" His foot started tapping on the dirty linoleum.

"Shouldn't a Fairy Godmother have wings or a wand?"

"You're hung up on the wings?"

Instantly, huge wings unfurled, ripping through his sparkly shirt. "Happy now? Can we get on with this? I got other shit to do today. I'm meeting the other three guys who broke into the pink triangle dominated Fairy World with me at the titty bar around the corner in like fifteen minutes. And that asshole Demitri will start trying to 'save the poor strippers' if I'm not there to balance out his nancy boy ways. Maybe they should have assigned him to you…might have been a better match."

I stood and stared at Jasper. I chose to ignore the giant wings spanning the doorway. They're some sort of magic trick. He pushed some hidden button and they popped out.

"Come on, Eddie. I gots boobies to see, and so help me if they are all 'reformed' by the time I get there, you are going to suffer."

I shook my head. There was no way I was going to give into this guy's scam just to have fucking Ashton Kutcher pop out and yell that I've been Punk'd. "This is all very funny, but let's cut the shit and since I don't see your name on the chore chart there, why don't you just help me clean this mess."

"Well now, that sounded an awful lot like a wish."

Suddenly, my girlfriend, Bella, was standing in front of me dressed in the sexiest French Maid outfit. Okay…now this is getting a little freaky.

"Bella! Put some clothes on! You can't be prancing around looking so sexy with this nut job here." I pointed to Jasper.

"Damn! When you conjure up an idea of help, boy oh boy, do you go all out. I only gave you what your subconscious was projecting." I wanted to punch the fucker in the head for leering at Bella like he was ready to bend her over the kitchen table and take her in front of me.

"Okay, kids. I'm gonna jingle. You are on your own here… I'll be back later to make sure you learned whatever lesson it was you were supposed to learn. Part of the job description…got screwed on my last evaluation because I didn't do that." His form started to shimmer and I knew I was either dreaming or crazy. "Oh! I almost forgot, you have to follow the hottie's directions. Part of the whole 'I have to teach you something.' Personally, if I were you, I'd just say 'fuck it,' and do the maid, but…rules is rules." Then, with a pop, he was gone…just gone.

I turned back to Bella, who was standing with her hands on her hips and a smile playing on her perfect lips.

"You know, Edward, I've been waiting a long time to get to be in control." My dick sprang to life. Who knew shy, sweet, Bella would want to be the dominant one?

"Really, what exactly would you like to order me to do?" I teased. I couldn't wait to see where this was going.

"Okay, why don't you start with the dishes in the sink, and I'll take a seat and watch that cute little ass of yours." She actually plopped down in one of the chairs, putting her feet up on another.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Oh, you're right."

I got excited again. Bella was just fucking with me. She wanted to feel like she had the upper hand. I would play along with her and let her think that she was in charge. It was kind of cute that she thought she was in control.

"Can you get naked and put this on?" An apron came flying and hit me in the face.

"If this is just a way to get me naked, Bella, all you had to do was ask." I gave her my best "dazzling" smile. I stripped, because if she wanted me naked then that's how I would be.

Then I waited…and waited…and waited.

"Well, put the apron on and get to work," Bella finally commanded.

"Okay, enough's enough. Let me see what you have under that frilly little skirt of yours." Suddenly, the kitchen was illuminated and through a smoky haze, Jasper appeared. He was sitting with three other men and a scantily clad woman was perched on his lap.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Eddie. What part of, 'the hottie's in charge' did you not understand? I meant it. I'm gonna let this one slide, 'cause frankly I'm a little busy at the moment," his hand slid up the stripper's inner thigh and she let out a giggle. "So get with the program. Next time you interrupt my activities, you will be punished…and not by the hottie."

The fog disappeared, and Bella was smiling from ear to ear. This shit was getting freakier and freakier by the minute.

"You trust me, don't you, Edward?" Of course I trusted her, this had nothing to do with trust. I was Edward Cullen, and…I looked up to see Bella's bottom lip poking out in a pout. Well, shit.

"Yes, of course I trust you, honey." I put the apron on and tied it around my waist. "Where did you want me to start?"

I heard a disembodied laugh fill the kitchen and knew that bastard, Jasper was monitoring everything that was going on.

"The dishes, then the trash, the counters, and finally the floor," Bella instructed.

Almost an hour later, the kitchen was spotless. I was actually proud of myself. Bella had been ordering me around like a drill sergeant…and I kind of liked it.

"You did a fabulous job, Edward. Now I'm going to reward you." She stood and came behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist to untie the apron. As she slipped the apron over my head, Bella turned me towards her. In her hand was a red ribbon. Where the hell did that come from?

Before I could even question her, I felt a zap of electricity jolt my body and a voice in my head laughing. That fucker! I knew it was Jasper. He could actually read my mind from wherever the hell he was and knew that I was about to take back control.

Bella slid the satin fabric over my eyes and I stood stock still, allowing her to lead me. Eventually she stopped and I felt her push down on my shoulders, urging me to the ground. I went willingly. This shit is actually kind of hot.

"Now, Edward, are you going to be a good boy? Are you going to follow my every direction?"

I simply nodded my head.

"Good." I heard her walk away and the refrigerator open. What the hell is she doing? Making a sandwich?

I couldn't see what was going on. I had to rely on my other senses and I was finding the experience more than a turn on.

"We'll start simple." I heard Bella's muffled voice.

I waited with anticipation, and a painful hard-on, for her to return to me. We had joked about whipped cream or chocolate sauce before, but it seemed a little unsanitary and messy.

The coolness of the liquid that was poured on my chest made me shiver, but the anticipation of Bella's tongue on my body cleaning it off gave me goose bumps. I wasn't disappointed as she pressed her lips to my skin and took one long, sexy lick.

"Mmmmmm," she breathed. My hands came up to stroke her arms. "No, Edward. You can't touch me. I'm in charge…my rules."

I opened my mouth to argue, and felt that stupid jolt of electricity. I swear if I get my hands on that little fairy I was going to rip his wings off.

The warmth of Bella's body was once again gone, and I wanted her back.

I could hear her rummaging around in the refrigerator.

"Open up," Bella ordered. I complied feeling what seemed to be a cherry brush across my lips. Snaking my tongue out, I captured the offering. Damn, a cherry has never tasted so good! It tasted even better when Bella leaned in and followed the cherry with the sweet taste of her tongue. I was using all of my strength not to reach up and pull her to me, but I was worried that the next zap would be to my balls, and I was kind of attached to them.

"You are being such a good boy, Edward. I think that you deserve a reward." I really liked the sound of that.

Again, I felt Bella's body move away and could only imagine what she was up to. At this point, it didn't matter, I was willing to turn over total control to her.

When she returned, I could hear several things clanging together in her arms.

The smell of oranges hit me seconds before the icy liquid hit my chest. That's gonna be sticky. Bella leaned in to kiss me before running her tongue over the orange juice. I then heard the top pop off something and tried to imagine just exactly what my little vixen was up to.

The feeling as the whipped cream covered my dick was like nothing that I have ever experienced. I almost came right then. To be honest, I was a little nervous, but I realized that I trusted Bella enough to let go and just be in the moment.

"Dude! Can you cover your junk? Seeing your hairy balls is really killing the whole vibe I got going at the strip joint."

"What the fuck? Get the hell out of here!" I yelled. I couldn't see the asshole, but I definitely knew that he was smirking at my naked ass and eyeing Bella.

"I told you I'd be back to check and see if you learned your lesson."

"Yeah, well, I didn't think it would be while I was butt naked and drenched in orange juice and whipped cream."

"So, my friend, do you see the benefits of letting other people run things? Imagine never letting Bella do this to you because you couldn't let go." Now, while I still wanted to punch the prick in the head, he did have a point.

"Yeah…now leave!"

"Eh, eh, eh, Eddie…I don't take orders from you."

"I would really appreciate it if you left us alone to finish…our meal." I heard Bella say.

"So, I can use you two as reference next time I'm up for a promotion, then?"

"Get the fuck out!" Bella yelled, and I had never wanted her more than I did right then.

I heard a loud pop and felt Bella's hands on my thighs at the same moment. Asshole must have left.

"I think it's so sexy that you let me do this to you, Edward. You can take the blindfold off," Bella whispered. "I want you to see me when I enjoy the hell out of taking you in my mouth." If she keeps talking like that, that whipped cream is going to take on a whole new flavor.

Slowly I removed the ribbon from my eyes. The kitchen was a disaster and I could have cared less. I was done with worrying about how others did things. Let those two assholes find the kitchen like this and do whatever the hell they want with it.

Looking down, I watched as Bella lowered her lips over my cock, letting out a little moan as she did so. I had to focus all my attention on not exploding right then. On the up stroke, Bella released me and a little twinkle shone in her eyes. What else could she possible have planned?

She reached over and opened a pickle jar. Pulling out one of those huge dill pickles, she held it up and looked up at me from under her eyelashes.

"You ready to give up all control to me, Edward?" Then she shoved the pickle –

"What the FUCK?" I sat straight up in my bed and bumped my head on the ceiling. Rubbing my head, I leaned over my bunk to find Emmett with a flashlight thing strapped to his head, and a pickle hanging out of his mouth.

"What? I was hungry. I can't live on that rabbit food they fed us for dinner. I brought a stash," he explained.

I just stared at him, unable to believe that we both came from neighboring gene pools.

Looking at me, with that stupid light shining right in my eyes, he smiled and asked, "Pickle?"

I shuddered at the thought, then flipped him off on last time before laying back and closing my eyes as I tried desperately to find that place in the dream right before Emmett opened the damn pickle jar and sent everything spiraling out of control…

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I, for one, will be giggling when I open the refrigerator and see the jar of pickles for the next few days.

Let's hear it for Q! *claps wildy*

Who's up next? No clue- I need to check the email again. HA! Read and review…and go bid at the author auction. Raise some money for charity- you know you want to….