Okay, this chapter is our little shabbyapple's contribution to this craziness! She has done an outstanding job!!
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Stephenie Meyer may have given us these characters, but I'm pretty sure that she never would have made them do the things that we have!!
Emmett POV
Edward could be such a tight ass, I couldn't stand the way he walked around thinking was God's gift to mankind. When my light caught his finger flippin' me off, I nearly reached out and snatched it.
"Butthead…" I mumbled, the pickle bouncing on my lower lip.
"I heard that," Edward croaked. He could be such a crabby pants if he didn't get his eight full hours of beauty rest. That, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't gettin' any at home.
"Congratulations, dillhole." I crunched down on the pickle, sending juice rolling down my chin.
Edward's top half swung down, swatting at me and my pickle. I blinded him with my light and he quickly gave up. "Judas Priest! I can't believe you have a night light strapped to your forehead. What are you ten?"
"Calm down, you'll short-circuit that pea sized brain of yours. Have you ever camped out in the wild before Edward?"
"Yes, I have as a matter of fact."
"The nudist colony doesn't count dipshit. Everyone knows those resorts get rid of anything that scurries in the night and has no legs. No legs, I mean that shit ain't natural. Animals should have legs for crying out loud."
"And why would that be, Mr. Wikipedia?" Edward took another swing at my head.
"Duh." I finished off the first pickle and dove into my baggy for another, successfully dodging his attempts to rid me of my light. "And they say you're the smart one. Let me break it down for you, boy wonder. Creepy crawly things, plus no clothes, equals BUGS IN YOUR ASS! Or your va-jay-jay if your Mike."
"Fuck you," Mike whispered, half asleep. Cullen Erection & Demolition's monthly newsletter was plastered to his face, a picture of my aunt, Esme was eerily staring at me from under his squashed cheek.
"Tempting, Mikey…but you're not my type," I whispered to a now snoring Mike. "So you see, I use my trusty head lamp, Edward so that I may be aware of my surroundings and ready to protect myself at any given moment."
"You sound like a lame ass ninja, Emmett. Just turn the damn thing off already. I can't sleep with that light dancing around on the ceiling. It's like a laser show up here."
Crunch.
"What's with the pickles, homo?" Edward had given up and was flopping back and forth in his sleeping bag, trying to get comfortable.
"My mama used to feed them to me when I couldn't sleep at night."
"Was that before or after she strapped on the safety night light?" Edward stopped tossing and laughed.
I punched the underside of the top bunk, earning a groan from Edward and causing me to almost drop my next pickle. "Don't be jealous, Edward. Get over your light envy…or maybe you're jealous of the size of this here pickle." I slowly slid the long, large pickle in and out of my mouth even though I was certain no one else could see me.
"Wow, that's some pickle," Tyler cooed out ceremoniously.
Damn! I thought everyone was asleep but me.
A slight chill filled the room followed by an awkward silence. Feeling the tension at Tyler's remark, I snapped the crisp pickle, the sound echoing off the walls and then said, "Totally inappropriate, Tyler. Edward may get turned on about you talking about his junk like that, but that pickle was in my mouth, man."
Edward gave a frustrated sigh.
"There's too much male bonding going on here at this retreat, I'm out," I said flipping the light off and losing all interest in pickles. Moments later, I dozed off.
~*~
"Okay…wow this feels really good. I mean I've done this to you before, but damn, this time it feels phenomenal! Mmm…"
My eyes opened leisurely and I saw Rose staring back at me.
"Hey,baby." I did a double take as I noticed her lips move the same time mine did. "Why do I feel…"
Uhhhh, why was Rose repeating everything I said?
I scurried up into a sitting position. As I looked down, beautifully manicured fingers began to draw blood as they dug deeper into skin.
"Hey Captain Dipshit, knock it off or you'll scar my body!"
"What the hell, Rose? Is this a dream?" I was starring at myself walking out of the bathroom.
I quickly looked up to corroborate what had to be a nightmare. The mirror on the ceiling confirmed a stunned image of Rose staring back at me. We'd somehow switched bodies.
"It's like that lame-ass movie with Jaime Lee Curtis and Miss Bone Rack." Rose began cracking her knuckles and rubbing her scruffy skin.
"Lindsay Lohan?" I shuddered as I mentioned her name. Skinny girls never had much appeal to me. I liked them a little curvy. You know, something to hold on to when you're fuckin' their brains out.
"That'd be the one." Rose walked my body over to stand in front of the full length mirror behind my bedroom door, flexing my peck muscles, running her now large hands over my wash-board abs.
"Stop looking at me like I'm a piece of meat, Rose." I knew that look from her like the back of my hand.
"Damn, I've got abs of steel. Come on, feel that." Rose was obviously dealing with this a lot better than I was.
Why did I have all these mirrors again?
Seeing myself reflected as Rose was totally trippin' me out. "Why aren't you freaking out right now?" I asked as I ran my hands through, what was now really long, soft hair, causing my grip on the sheet I was holding to slip. "Oh, never mind. Mirrors are genius," I mumbled when I saw my reflection. Rose had the most unbelievable, perky chest I'd ever laid my hands on. And trust me, I had a long history of titty handling.
"Would you stop touching my breasts?" Rose snapped, her glare was like ice and the temperature dropped about twenty degrees.
It didn't help me stop in the least. "Well seein' that they are my breasts now, I'll do as I please. Thank you. Look! I could cut glass with these bad boys!" I laughed as I rolled the two extended nipples.
"Well, then…" Rose's hand slipped under the elastic waistband of my black boxers and began stroking. She looked like she was enjoying it a bit too much, and I was beginning to become jealous of her hand. I should be the one taking care of her needs. She stepped into the closet and was gone much longer than I would have liked. I jumped off the bed and went in to join her.
My head felt light and dizzy. All coherent thought escaped me. There was Rose, in my body, taking liberty with my package, sifting through my extensive collection of Playboys. Suddenly, her head tipped back and I watched as her eyes closed and her mouth dropped open. She gave one quick shudder that I recognized and smiled.
"I had no idea this was so easy. One picture and I'm spent. I could get used to this."
"Umm, excuse me? I'm standing right her and you decide to jack off?"
Rose smirked and responded coyly, "You're ruining my afterglow here, baby. Yeah, I'm totally digging the sleezy magazines. This is what it feels like to be you?"
"What?"
"I feel like a million bucks, baby! Wanna have a three-some? Ohh we could have this massive orgy to make up for lost time."
"What the hell, Rose? Why are you such a horndog now?"
"I totally get why you screw everything with two legs, and that one girl who only had one."
"And a half," I corrected. "She had it amputated at the knee. You're not making any sense."
She scooted back a bit and grabbed another issue of Playboy. This was so not like Rosie, she hated that I still had those magazines. Sounding just like our friend Alice, she hurriedly said, "All guys think about is sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. I think I've thought about it at least a hundred times already this morning. Which is not a bad thing. Let's go to that new club tonight. I'm feeling very promiscuous."
I looked down and saw that my boxers were beginning to strain again. "Put that away before you hurt yourself…or me for that matter."
She smirked.
Yeah, this has to be a nightmare.
Hearing Rose say this made me feel insecure. What if she and I stayed this way? Would she be as big of a whore as I was before I met her? I mean, I know I got around. But, it wasn't until recently that I felt like I could change my ways. Of course, no one else knew that. I hadn't told Rosalie that I felt that strongly about her. I hadn't grabbed any girl's ass in a couple of weeks either, let alone had to use the emergency condom in my wallet. Hell, I'd never been able to bend into that position before with any woman. It was amazing what I could accomplish when I was with Rose.
A piercing slap went stingingly across my cheek.
"Damn! What the hell, Rose? You can't hit a girl!"
"Whatever," she ignored my question. "Pull yourself together. I don't like that puppy dog face you're making. Let's talk about how we're going to get me some ass tonight." She turned the magazine to its side and the centerfold fell out.
What was wrong with Rose, I mean, I'm right here? Doesn't she think I'm pretty? I have feelings. No! I'm a guy, dammit…stop bein' all touchy feely and shit!
"This actually might work out." I had this strange urge to retaliate. My eyes focused on the tight ass I saw on the back side of Miss Centerfold. I felt my blood go red hot. How dare she? I was thinking about settling down with her, and here she is thinking about her dick.
Rose rolled her eyes. "Do I even want to know?"
"Probably not, but I'll tell you anyways." My eyebrows danced suggestively at her.
"Oh, Lord."
Make her jealous, Em. "This is going to work out, if you and I do the horizontal tango again, I get to have more than one orgasm."
"What? You are such a pig!"
I mouthed 'several' at her and added, "Oh and I'm gonna make you work your little fingers to the bone. Not to mention that mighty tongue of yours."
"Stop! Or I'll…I'll…" She pushed past me and went and stood next to the bed, grabbing hold of the glass that had been on the nightstand, half-full of whatever it was and drained it.
"Go down on me? Why don't you do that stroking thing again?" Completely oblivious to her hateful stare I continued on, "I can't believe you've had these fun bags your whole life and never went to town with them."
"If you value your life, you'll stop touching those!" Rose let out a belch and her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head. She was stunned that such a noise could come from her.
Maybe the multiple orgasm bit did the trick.
I busted up laughing. "Pretty sure they're mine now." I gazed lovingly down at my new toys. "Oh and you just wait till you hear what comes out the other end, sweetie."
"Disgusting."
"Well we should get a move on. We're supposed to meet up with Edward and Bella at ten. They say it's going to get hot as hell today and I for one," I began to pull my skin around my eyes taut, "don't want to over expose my skin. Two words: crow's feet."
"Emmett!" Her voice boomed. "I'm not even close to getting crow's feet, dammit!"
"Tsk, tsk…cupcake. The name's Rosalie Hale." And just for good measure I tossed my long, blond locks over my shoulder and gave my step an extra bounce as I made for the bathroom. The bounce was really more for my own benefit. These hooters had an amazing spring to them.
"This isn't permanent, Emmett. And if you even think about using that detachable shower head for anything other than washing the shampoo out…your dick'll have absolutely zero blood flow to it. Plus, knowing you, if you broke it, what you did isn't exactly covered under the warranty."
I saluted her and was lost in the fantasy of actually taking advantage of that showerhead.
The whole shower scene was a disaster, which included me getting shampoo in my now blood shot eyes. Then there were those long legs, and I wasn't exactly a pro with the razor. I had a couple of scars on my chin to prove it. But, after I'd talked myself into thinking that going 'tree-huggerish' was perfectly fine, Rose tossed the shower curtain open and laughed as she saw me eyeing up the hot pink razor.
"Hey dumbass, I wax. Put the razor down and no one get's hurt. "
I'd completely forgotten that Rose waxed. There wasn't an inch of hair on that woman other than her head.
After I dried off and wiped the steam from the mirror I thought, being a girl is tough work. Not only did I have to take a couple of extra minutes to shampoo and condition my hair, but now I had to style it somehow. I cringed just thinking about the striped bag that lay on the counter mocking me. It was full of a lot of shit that was supposed to somehow look beautiful on my face.
What the hell is this for? I eyed the contraption for a good, solid minute. Then upon further inspection, I saw several of the same; Black? Black-brown? Brown? Steel Blue? How many colors does a woman need? I unscrewed a tube of what I thought was mascara, Oh nope wait, it says on the label it's eye liner. I didn't even know there was liquid eye liner. I closed my eyes, which later I discovered wasn't the best strategy, and painted my face.
Once my makeup was applied, and I say that loosely, I started on my hair. I'd seen Rose flip her hair over while she blew it dry and so I decided this what should be done. As I tossed my head back over, I looked like an untamed lion. My hair was huge. Maybe I shouldn't have dried my hair upside down for so long. There's got to be something here to help with that.
Bingo. Round thingys. I shoved the damn things down and as I plugged them in, a prickly little shock went through my fingers. Damn it!
After cutting my losses, and an hour later, I decided I'd done my best and bounded out the back door and slipped into the car with Rose/me.
"Sweet, Jesus." Rose's mouth fell open.
"I know right?" I shook my head up and down.
It was silent. Uh oh, this isn't good.
"I don't look that bad, do I?"
"Do you want me to be honest?"
"Yes, but be nice. I worked hard to look nice for you and I'm a little sensitive about it." I felt a slight twinge in my gut, if she said I looked fat…
Okay, you just switched bodies. You didn't actually grow an ovary.
"This won't turn out well, let me just fix this. Good hell, you look like you used snot to hold your hair up." She then licked her thumb and began rubbing off the liner I'd just applied under my eyes. "I can't believe I have to be seen in public with you like this."
Ouch. Being a woman was rough!
I huffed and folded my arms across my chest, determined not to say a word. We took off down the road, which seemed to lead nowhere. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Rose screeched into the parking spot, cutting off a grandma in order to park right in front of Edward's place. After granny laid on her horn, Rose stuck a famous finger out the window and granny looked like she about to have a heart attack.
"Hey! You're makin' me look like a dick!"
"What's your point?"
"My point is, I didn't do this bad hair and makeup job on purpose. So don't make me out to be such a jerk on purpose."
"Fine," she huffed and slipped out the door, slamming it in the process.
Oh hell no, she didn't just slam my baby's door? I sat in the passenger seat like a statue.
Rose's fist banged on the window and as I looked over in her direction, she shrugged her shoulders and yelled, "What?"
I pursed my lips together and blinked rapidly, my hand pointing to her first, then to my door.
Yeah that's right, you're a dude now. You do what guys have to do.
She threw the door open, nearly missing the fire hydrant next to my door and stood there, seething.
"Thank you, Emmett. You're such a big, strong gentleman," I cooed out, extra loud. "Oh and you're going to get me a ticket parking in front of a fire hydrant."
"Whatever," she huffed.
"Well looky-looky here," a voice streamed out from the porch. "Good hell, Rosalie. Bad morning?" his face twisted while looking straight at me.
"You have no idea," the real Rose answered.
As soon as I saw him, standing there in his tall, brooding fashion with a crooked smile plastered on his face, I climaxed on the spot.
Edward.
Oh hell.
"No pickles!" I screamed, shooting up narrowly missing the bed above me. Resting back on my elbows I noticed I was breathing as though I'd just run a marathon.
Thankfully no one stirred after my little outburst. Trying to shake the numbing feeling you get post-climax, I shuddered and snatched Edward's t-shirt that dangled down from the top bunk, and wiped up the man juice from the inside of my boxer briefs.
I knew I could count on Edward for something. "Always be prepared for retaliation, asshole," I mumbled as I tossed the soiled shirt over to Mike's bunk.
Try explaining that one, douche! I thought as I nestled down deeper into my fleece-lined sleeping bag, desperately hoping that if I dreamed again at all, it would be filled with bouncing titties belonging to one, Miss Rosalie Hale.
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