Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight
A/N: This is hard story to comment on, it's pretty emotional for me so hopefully it's not too confusing the way it's constructed.
Please enjoy and review!
More than Firelight
My pencil hits paper, the graphite again leaving faithful lines of letters,
Time didn't heal this
Neither did my tormented words
Maybe I long for your kiss
And your scent rich with musk and herbs
It had been a week since I'd written to him, my Jacob. I didn't even know for sure if he'd received of read my first letter. That wasn't the point though, all the mattered was I was finally diving into the fantasy that had plagued my mind night after night.
I had felt better day by day after writing the first one, until mid week. It wasn't until Friday I realised I needed to continue or else the pain would reignite and burn my core. This fascination was like a drug, this addiction to my fantasy held me down with teeth and claws. I knew not to fight; it wasn't worth the battle scars in the end to resist my dream like lure to writing what I really wanted, possessing Jacob Black.
It was a strange realization that I had written this for Jacob when I hadn't written anything along the lines of a creative story other than for school in my life. What was more shockingly strange was the twisting enjoyment I found out of the fantasy land I had created for myself. The vision I had created was completely contradictory with everything I had chosen in reality. It was sad admitting it was only real in two dimensions that were so closely connected, on paper and in my dreams.
So Saturday I broke free of the Cullen's grasp to visit Charlie once again. After sharing a short peaceful dinner before heading back up to my old and almost empty room I felt some sort of relief and comfort in being at my home and not in an oversize bed, over sized room and oversized house. It felt colder than Charlie's and not just because the Cullen's frigid exterior.
I sighed and went back to my only guilty simple pleasure, my Jacob.
Time didn't heal this
Neither did my tormented words
Maybe I long for your kiss
And your scent rich with musk and herbs
Dear Jacob.
As a few days passed, school phasing in and out and I was almost acting like myself. I could breathe in and out without the pain that had once rooted itself deeply in my chest ripping me to shred and crippling my normality. I could laugh, even if only with Angela. I could smile, respond and live like I never thought possible without Edward moving my body in the motions to breath.
I was without him, free and ready to face you, my Jacob.
The day I decided that it was time was sunny, and the rays like hot knives on skin making me yearn for your touches even more. I had waited for the day that I decided I was ready to see you impatiently, but not rushing the process ever slightly.
I knew much better than to tempt with the healing process in a normal human's life. This was something I was capable of; healing from love and moving on, something Edward claimed his kind could never do.
I didn't want to call, I wanted to run into yours arms unexpectedly, so that is the plan I stuck with. After school that day dazed by the clear blue pacific sky I rode my old truck- your gift- all the way to La Push.
I rushed out the door confidently my body feeling buoyant in the reserves fresh air filled with the musk that reminded me of only you. I sauntered across the pine needle covered ground not hesitating to knock for you.
"Bella?" Billy questioned slightly offset at the smile filling my face. He must have been expecting to see a very different Bella, a Bella that no longer existed in my future. What was here was a Bella far from perfect, full of troublesome errors of judgement and morals, but a Bella that could live full of errors with the rest of the mortals that surrounded her.
"Hey Billy, is Jacob home? I'm sorry I didn't call back." I stated wirily feeling full of silly excitement of a school girl.
He started blankly at me for a moment considering my every word, "Yes, he's in his bedroom moping around hoping for you to call." He admitted slightly dumbfounded himself by the sheer joy my body possessed after such a long time of misery.
If you could call me depressed and problematic all these years, then be it. I was sitting, and fighting in dark whole blocking the light and drowning me by the second. But no doctor could have done what I had accomplished. They could've begged and directed me, telling me, and ordering what must be done but words are only words until they're done after all.
This is the very reason I'm glad no doctor shouted his preaching words to me. I had conquered and snatched the light source all by myself. The fire that I could see from a far, I yearned to have so long. I had tasted its warmth and saw the light the reflected from my surroundings and I needed to have it again
"Thanks Billy." I replied as he cleared the doorway to let me in. I feverishly stumbled my way down the hall of the small house pushing open Jacob's door slow and suspenseful.
His long and muscular body was draped across the bed, the light playing with the toned curves of his abdomen. I felt my breath once again hitch in my throat at the utter beauty of you, Jacob Black.
"Jacob." I muttered unconsciously.
Your head flashed towards me in a fluid motion, filled with a shock and excitement I had only dreamed about. You sat up, your muscles wrinkling with power and beckoned me forward. I felt myself almost spring into your arms.
Your body was fire, hotter than I imaged. You had to be the fire I craved; no, you were more than firelight. Your big hands wrapped around me protectively as you heaved in the scent on my hair desperately. You held me like you were still unsure that I was here for good and that had made my choice against all odds.
I could feel your body shake with mine in mirth. My being glowed with a euphoric triumph I could barely take into account.
"Bella..." You breathed incredulously your fingers tangling themselves through my tresses. I had fought against how much I missed you while I suffered. I craved the heat far more than I ever estimated.
"Kiss me Jacob." I whispered in my ecstasy. Your lips frantically met mine, rough, raw but passionate all in one. Even after all the desperation eased in our bliss, our soft tangle of lips dealt out the unrefined emotions we withheld from each other for so long.
In our long tango of torture through the years we had only grown to love each other in a way that couldn't be contained or resisted. I couldn't compare you to firelight anymore; I couldn't lose you, and certainly couldn't forget you.
I knew that I had everything I wanted; even if it was only in our dreams.
The tears that started to dispense shocked me again, progressively more as I scribbled down my last few sentences. Something inside of me switched at this point in time. I no longer wanted to care about my new vampire family, nor the trouble I had caused him.
My selfish human mind wanted only one thing; Jacob Black.
I wanted what I had written, I wanted it all.
I was selfish and I wasn't going to contain my greed or my desire. I was going to have what every one of Cullens wanted, and also wanted to take away from me. I also had written exactly how I was going to do it.
I didn't need doubt anymore, because I already knew exactly how I would feel. I felt that way when I had written it. Even if I had only experienced the pain for a few short hours, I knew the days of pain and the storm coming would end, and I could be the girl I dreamed I would be.
Bella Swan was not longer a victim, only the abuser and taker who had become everything that could posses the power within herself. I would fight and scratch my way for my prize, Jacob Black.
I could do this finally.
...
Go Bella, stop being the idiot.
Next chapter's the steamy finale.
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