"If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you"
Saturday 1st August, 1998
Granger,
Where the hell are you? What kind of a person are you who would leave someone when you said you'd be there? Why did you go with Potter and Weasley? They're both prats anyway.
Wednesday 5th August, 1998
Hermione,
I can't believe you left me like everybody else. You said you would always be there, but you aren't. My father threatened to kill me, and you weren't even there. What am I supposed to do if he kills me and I never see you again? I miss you. Come back soon.
Snape,
Where are you? No one has seen you for months, and I need you. You know you're like a father to me, you've always been better than Lucius. So why have you seemingly left me alone?
Tuesday 11th August, 1998
Godfather,
I've done something so stupid. I've gone back to them, as a spy for the Order. I know what you'd say about now, something along the lines of "you ignoramus" before giving me some vital advice. I need that advice now, or else I don't think I'll survive. Granger won't survive either. I've promised them that I'll bring her to them, and if I don't have you to help me she'll die. I can't let her die Severus or I'll…
Saturday 29th August, 1998
Granger,
I know that you are able to send letters, because Mrs Weasley got something from you this morning. Why haven't you written to me?
Malfoy.
Snape,
Sorry for all of these disjointed ramblings, but this is the only way I can vent my thoughts. I know you aren't getting these, or else you would have replied, but I need to write them anyway. She has to come back. Every time I go to a meeting I'm scared it will be the last time. I worry because I will not have had the opportunity to say thank you to you or her. My father is going to kill me soon, I know, and I can't die without telling you how much I have appreciated all you have done. What do I do Snape? I think I love her.
Your Godson.
Saturday 19th September, 1998
Draco was reading when she returned. He had almost turned the library into a sacred place – no one else dared go into it anymore, for he was always sat in there. Alone and reading. Draco had hardly dared hope that she would come back; he wouldn't let himself. The letters that he had been writing to both her and his godfather had frightened him, for he had come dangerously close to admitting things he did not want to. It made him embarrassed to think that she had read and ignored his letters. He could imagine her showing them to Potter and Weasley, picture them laughing mockingly at the heart-felt words he had bravely written down. Part of him didn't want her to return – he didn't think he could bare the rejection that was bound to come.
The first he heard of her arrival was the slamming of the door and the cheerful trill of her voice. He could hear her from the library; her voice slithered its way up the banister and seemed to coil around his heart. It squeezed tightly, making Draco feel sick. Tentatively he made his way to the top of the stairs and positioned himself where he could see her. She looked surprisingly well; more like she had been on holiday than fighting dark wizards.
"I'm so glad you're well!" Molly Weasley cried, wrapping her arms around the trio. "We have been worried sick."
"It hasn't been easy." Draco heard Potter saying. "We've been to Germany."
"You shall have to tell us what it's like there; I've always wanted to go." Lupin entered the hallway and embraced them too, beaming happily.
"I do believe it's your birthday today, Hermione."
"Yes." She replied, grinning at the werewolf. "I'm so thrilled to be back here to celebrate with you all. I've missed everyone terribly."
"I shall have to make you something special! What would you like, Hermione? I'll make anything." Hermione laughed again as Draco watched, unable to prevent himself from admiring her.
"One of your famous cheese and onion pies would be lovely, Molly, would that be alright?"
"Of course dear, it would be splendid. I'll have to get started right away!"
He waited for her, expecting her to excuse herself and run straight up the stairs into his arms. He watched unblinkingly, his eyes fixed on her pale face and his heart thumping wildly in his chest. She followed the others to the kitchen, without so much of a glance up the stairs. Draco shook his head miserably and headed for the library – it was quite clear that she had not missed him at all. For hours he sat there, thumbing through the book. He didn't even go downstairs for dinner, but then nobody had called him to it. At half past ten he walked quietly back to his room, pushing open the door with a sigh of relief. He would be able to sleep, to pretend that she had never left.
She was sat on his bed; cross-legged with a brown parcel on her lap. His heart skipped a beat when she looked at him and he froze in the doorway.
"Malfoy…"
"I'm surprised you're back." He replied, trying desperately to keep his voice steady. He wanted to scream at her.
"I'm sorry…so sorry. Harry needed me, Draco. They need my help! I couldn't say no…they're my friends."
"I believe we've had this conversation before." He said coolly. "And then you asserted that I was in fact important to you. Perhaps you could explain then why you were not here when I returned from that meeting? Why you were not there after I had suffered the Cruciatus Curse? Why you have not been there the past ten times I have returned battered and cursed?"
He looked at her and their eyes met. She licked her lips, letting out a small sigh, before standing and walking over to him. She placed a hand flat against his chest, moving her thumb tenderly in soothing circles.
"You can't imagine how guilty I've been feeling." She whispered. "I was torn. I didn't know what to do." He could not believe how easily he fell for this. As she looked up at him innocently, he felt all of the anger fade away. That in itself infuriated him – he wished he could be furious at her, wished that he did not forgive her so easily. He placed his hand on top of hers, lacing their fingers together.
"Why didn't you write to me?" Hermione looked down bashfully.
"Harry didn't think it was a good idea. He…he thinks you're going to hurt me. In fact, he would go crazy if he knew I was in here. He thinks I'm asleep."
They fell silent and, for a moment, Draco was reminded of when he first arrived there. Hermione was a little awkward with him, scared almost, and he was just as afraid of her. If it wasn't for her warm hand beneath his, he would have completely forgotten all that had passed between them. Draco sighed and looked down at her.
"I didn't know it was your birthday." He stated. Hermione laughed, her eyes crinkling at the corners. Draco noted happily that that had not happened when she was downstairs earlier.
"That's quite alright – I wasn't expecting a gift." She picked the package up from the bed and held it out to him. "But I've brought one for you."
"What is it?"
"Open it and you'll see." Draco tore off the packaging, and saw that she had brought him a book. It was written in, what Draco supposed was, German. "It's called 'Die Leiden Des Jungen Werthers, by Goethe." Hermione was beaming at him, but her face fell as he scrutinized it.
"It's in German…"
"I thought you could use a translation spell." Draco nodded. "He…the main character…he reminds me a little of you. I just hope you don't share a similar fate." Draco stared at her blankly before nodding.
"Thank you."
He gripped her hand more tightly and led her over to the bed, where they led next to one another. She hummed quietly as he reflected; reflected on what had happened between them, how he had felt when she was gone, and what was going to happen now that she had returned. For a reason he could not explain, he was more worried about her now that she had returned. It could only be a bad thing that she was closer to him – now that he was a spy, and in regular contact with his father and Lord Voldemort, his feelings for her made her more vulnerable. He had to tell her. He had to truly let her know how he felt. She needed to be aware of the situation she was in. He was not fooling around anymore – he loved her, it was undeniable. With a heavy sigh he sat up and got to his feet.
"What is it? Are you alright?" She sat up, looking at him anxiously. Draco reached down and took her hand, pulling her to standing position again. He gave a brief nod.
"I'm very well. I'm giving you your birthday present." Trying not to meet her eye, he removed the amulet from around his neck and dangled it in front of her. "I want you to have this." She stared at it with wide eyes, as thought it would curse or hex her.
"I couldn't possibly take that from you. It was a gift from your mother to Snape; it's too dear to you…I can't take it." His heart clenched and he closed his eyes.
"I've put you into danger by agreeing to your plan, so I feel that I must protect you. Wear this – please." She nodded slowly, before turning around to allow him to put it on. He brushed his hand softly against her neck, before fixing the amulet in place.
When she turned back to face him, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He kissed her deeply, feeling his heart soaring as she returned the kiss. It was an entirely new experience for him; one that he welcomed, yet wished he had never started. He was certain that something would end badly for him – everything in his life was tainted eventually, and he was sure that this would be no different. Suddenly, the floorboard outside creaked and she stopped. She placed her fingers against her lips, as though to hide the evidence of their kiss, and stared at the door. He ignored it and took his hands in hers.
"Granger…Hermione….I have something of the utmost importance to say, and I think – "
She pulled her hands away from his and, when he looked down at her, saw that her eyes were welling up with tears. "What's the matter?" He asked quietly.
"Harry will be furious if he finds me in here…" Draco bent his face close to hers, tilting it with his finger.
"Does it really matter to you what he thinks? When I'm trying to say something important?" Hermione bit her lip, trying hard to keep the tears from falling.
"It's not….I…" She looked at him. "I can't do this anymore." Draco dropped his arms and stepped back, narrowing his eyes at her.
"What do you mean?"
"This is ridiculous…this thing between us." His face looked steely and cold, as she folded her arms. "It's illogical, based on a combination of desperation and defiance. We're both trying to prove something by pretending to have feelings for one another, and I don't think it's fair. So…so I'm putting it to an end." Draco's hands balled into fists. He could hardly hear what she was saying, for his heart was beating so loudly.
"You don't mean that." He hissed. "You're lying."
"I'm not!" She sobbed, shaking her head. "I…I just can't. "
She walked over to the door and placed her hand on the knob.
"Don't!" He shouted, pleadingly. "Please!" She turned back and looked at him, tears streaming down her face.
"I'm sorry....I think it's for the best that we pretend none of this ever happened. The plan will still go ahead, but….but I think it's for the best if we spend less time together." She walked over to him again and removed the amulet from around her neck. He felt as though she had punched him in the stomach, but it hurt more terribly than anything he had ever experienced before. "Goodnight Malfoy." And so she went, leaving him alone, half wishing that she had never returned.
Author's Note: Just a brief note to explain Die Leiden Des Jungen Werther! It's a German book (as your probably guessed) written by Goethe. It's about a man called Werther who falls in love with a woman called Lotte. However, she is engaged to someone else and eventually marries him. In the end, Goethe commits suicide which is the fate that Hermione does not want Draco to meet!
