Chapter 8: Disintegration

I took one last look around the bedroom, making sure I didn't forget to pack anything, and walked out closing the door behind me. Brian was waiting in the living room for me, sitting on the couch with his fedora clad head in his hands.

"What's wrong babe?"

He looked up at the sound of my voice, quickly running his thumb under his eyes and standing up.

"Brian, were you crying?"

"No, I just got something in my eyes." He said, virtually lying through

his teeth.

"Was it dust?" I said, chuckling a bit as I sat down on the couch and watched him follow.

"Yea, it was dust."

"Sweetie, you don't have to be ashamed to cry or anything, at least not in front of me; ok?"

He looked up at me and nodded, before pulling me into his lap and crushing me in an enormous hug. I buried my head into his shoulder and inhaled the familiar scent that was Brian. Cigarettes and axe.

"Do you really have to go?" He asked, holding me tighter.

I sighed for a moment, hesitating a little before answering him.

"Yea, I really have to go." This time, the tears silently fell from my eyes.

"Why?" He asked, looking up at me with an all too childish manner gleaming in his eyes.

"Because." I smiled back, using the same childish games.

"Because why?" He was starting to play along, and I almost forgot about the plane I had to catch in a few hours.

"'Cause I have a job to do, and if I stay home any longer they're gonna fire my ass." I said, laughing.

"If it means you didn't have to leave me I wouldn't mind them firing you." He laughed.

I laughed with him for a few seconds, before the sound of the phone ringing on the coffee table interrupted us. I looked at the caller i.d. and saw my brothers name pop up. I quickly put the phone on speaker and answered him.

"Hey Johnny."

"Yo, you done packing yet? I ordered some pizzas and everyone's over here waiting for you two!"

"Yea, I'm just giving the house a once over before I lock up."

"Ok sounds good," He said. "Oh by the way we're coming with you to the airport."

"Like I have much of a choice." I laughed.

"I'll see you in a few."

"Ok, later."

He hung up and I did the same, quickly burying my head in Brian's shoulder once again.

"I lied; I don't want me to go either."

"I told you!" He laughed, wrapping his arms around my waist and standing from the couch.

"But, I'll be home soon." I said smiling, wrapping my legs around his waist for support.

"How soon is soon?"

"A few weeks, maybe a month," I said. "I'm not exactly sure yet."

"Well it's better than nothing I guess."

"This is true." I nodded.

Brian pulled me in for another kiss, and I squished myself closer to him and tightened my arms around his neck.

"I'm gonna miss that." I said, laying another kiss on his lips.

"Me too," He said, running his fingers through my hair. "I'm gonna miss your kisses, and your squishy little hugs."

I laughed and squished into him again, wrapping myself tighter around his body.

"What else are you gonna miss?"

"Your smile, and your eyes, and the way your hands get lost in mine-"

"You mean the way your big ass hands kidnap mine." I laughed.

"Right, that and the way you yell at Johnny; cause no one yells at him quite like you."

"Oh alright, moving on!"

"I'm going to miss waking up with you in my huge ass bed, it's so empty when you're not in it with me."

"I'm gonna miss that too, especially the way my head always seems to find its way into that little crook in your neck when the sun starts shining through the blinds."

Brian suddenly sat down on the couch, and just held me in his lap. I didn't want to let go of him, and I didn't think I was ready to, and I didn't want to. It finally hit me that I was going back to work and leaving the most important people in my life behind. Granted they would start recording in a few months and then be on tour again, but they would all be going off together. I would be the only one that was away from everyone, and the thought of leaving the seven most important people in my life behind while I went off and chased a dream all alone, didn't make it that much of a dream anymore. Especially when you didn't have your family to help you along the way.

"What are you thinking?" I asked him suddenly.

"That I don't think I'm gonna be able to let you go."

"I feel the same way."

I let a few silent tears snake their way down my cheeks before I started sobbing into Brian's shoulder. It's ironic how when I met him he was miserable because he was alone and now we were both crying because love was ripping us apart from each other.

"I love you." He said, wiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumb.

"I love you too." I said, wiping his tears away.

The airport was absolutely jam packed full of people when we got there. It didn't help matters much that there were seven of us, and only one of us was getting on the plane.

"So where are you meeting up with everyone?" Val asked.

"They're in New York right now," I said, giving her a glance that said I didn't wanna go there. "And we're gonna be there for the next week and some change before we head down the east coast."

"Well, promise me you won't wear yourself down, ok?"

"I promise, and promise me that you'll have your phone on all the time, ok?"

"You got it." She said, hugging me tightly, before trying to suppress a sob.

"Oh Val, don't cry," I laughed. "I'm not going to war I'm going back on the road!"

"I know, but this was the longest you've been home in a really long time and it's gonna be so different without you around now!"

"I know, trust me I can't talk to any of the other girls about half the stuff I talk to you about, and that includes Amy and Trish."

"Well I'm glad to know I'm your number one gossip outlet." She smiled.

I hugged her one more time, before being engulfed in a bear hug from Matt.

"Take care of yourself, you hear me?"

"Yes daddy." I laughed.

"And do some major ass kicking, trust me we're gonna watch every Monday night."

"Your ass better watch every Monday night, and it better be before Zacky breaks out the Jack and coke." I laughed, while Zacky looked down at his shoes sheepishly.

"C'mere Zee, I need to give my favorite lefty a hug goodbye."

"I'm your favorite lefty?"

"Of course you are doll." I laughed.

"Well, it makes me unique."

"Sure does," I smiled, hugging him. "Who else am I gonna beat in pushups?"

"I'm sure some of those skinny bitches you work with."

"Be good Zacky," I said, hugging him a last time. "And do me a favor, ok. Make sure Brian doesn't get all mopey and whatnot. Look after him, please."

"Will do Gina, I promise."

"And you, Mister Sullivan!" I said, pointing at Jimmy, who was playing with the barbell in his lip.

"What about me?" He laughed.

"Keep out of trouble, that includes spying on people when they're about to do the deed, ya got me?"

"It was once, my god Gina!"

"I saw you peeking out of the bathroom in my hallway last weekend, and I'm not sure if it was before or after you puked in it."

"I don't remember either, but I'll spy on Matt and Val while you're away." He said, coming over and hugging me tightly.

"And what about me?"

I looked at my brother, who was standing with his hat on backwards and a pair of sunglasses over his eyes, because even the light in the airport seemed to be too much for his hangover.

"Don't turn into an alcoholic while I'm away, ok?" I laughed.

"That's it? That's a lot to ask of a man of my stature Gina."

"Oh I'm sure it is," I said, dripping with sarcasm. "Oh and stay out of my house, fridge and liquor cabinet while I'm away." I laughed.

"Again, I find you worse than our mother; but I love you more."

"Thanks Johnny, for everything. I'm glad you like my house better than yours but buy your own food shorty."

"I'll try, but Val won't go shopping with me."

"Take Brian with you, I'm sure he'll need something to stay busy with while I'm away."

Johnny pulled me into a big hug, and held me there for a while. He was a good kid, and even though he wasn't much of a kid, he was always my kid brother.

"Love you Gina."

"Love you too, Johnny."

I looked past Johnny and saw Brian playing with the hem on his shirt. For a twenty five year old man, covered in tattoos and a few piercings, he looked like a child, scared and alone.

"I love you," I said, placing my hands on his arms. "And I promise that no matter what happens, I'm yours Brian Haner."

"I love you too; you're the most amazing person to ever step foot in my life and I'll count down the days until your home again."

"Good, because I'll count them down too."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and allowed him to momentarily lift me from the ground. I inhaled his scent one last time, before kissing his lips softly.

"Love you."

"Love you more." I said, lightly chuckling.

"You're gonna miss the flight." He laughed.

"That would be a good thing," I smiled. "But right, I'm gonna get on the plane, before I lose my nerve and go back to the car."

I turned to face everyone and mustered the best smile I could, and before I could turn back or lose my guts, I grabbed my bag from the floor.

"Bye guys, be good ok?"

"You too!" Val said. "Call us when you get there ok, we're gonna be at Johnny's."

"We are?" Johnny said, looking at Val with great curiosity.

"Yes, now stop whining."

I laughed, and waved one more time, stopping to blow Brian a kiss, before I walked through the gate and onto the plane leaving everyone behind. I was officially miserable.