"Bad day at work, James?" Moneypenny flirted, as was her wont.

"Not as bad as I intend to leave your anus," Bond flirted back. The rest of the Krew (save for Pussy and Irennie) got horrified looks on their faces.

"If you're done informing my secretary that you intend to sodomize her, 007, there's something you should see," M's voice came through the speakerphone.

"Right away, M," Kail said, marching James ahead to prevent him from despoiling everybody's ears further.

The Krew sat down as M picked up a tiny box on her desk, the size of one that would hold a ring. "This is for you, 007," she said, handing him the box.

"Ooh, I love prezzies!" he cried, opening the lid. "A lead bullet! With '007' on it! Oh, M, you shouldn't have."

The rest of the Krew could almost see the steam coming out of M's ears. "It's not from me, you bloody twit! It's from Frightanime!"

"...Frightanime? Who's he?" Smiley asked.

"A world-class assassin," M answered. Smiley's eyes narrowed. "Second-best in the world, actually." Smiley bared his teeth, almost growling. "And now he has Bond in his sight."

Bond frowned. "That doesn't sound too good. Why did he send me this bullet?"

"I'll let Tanner explain that to you. I have to go now; I'm getting a bikini wax."

As M walked past them, the Krew turned and watched her go, with mixed looks of disgust/disbelief.

XXXX

"Ah, good to see the old 007 back!" Tanner greeted. "How are things, old man?"

Bond made a sour face at 'old man'. "Well, I had to give up my dream of cattle ranching to defeat a megalomaniacal terrorist, the US head of state, and some jerk masquerading as me. So, I'd say I'm so-so."

"Good, good. Listen, 007, this Frightanime is a serious fellow -- he's massively confident, and that's why he warns all his marks by sending them bullets with their names on them -- like yours, for example."

"Hey, this sounds familiar," Pussy said.

"Nonsense. Now, his trademark is that he uses a gun made entirely out of lead, and only shoots his targets with one lead bullet..."

"I'm sure I've heard of this before, actually," Pussy insisted.

"Don't be silly! Where could you have possibly heard of it before?" Tanner dismissed Pussy. "His gun is unique in that it's made out of common items: a pen, a cufflink, a lighter..."

"What's this guy's first name?" Pussy asked.

"Uh. It's Diego. Why?"

"THAT'S IT!" Pussy exclaimed. "This guy is just a cheap ripoff of Francisco Scaramanga!" Tanner gave her a blank look. "You know...the man with the golden gun? He looked an awful lot like Christopher Lee?"

Tanner broke out into a grin. "That's where you're wrong, Pussy," he corrected. "Diego Frightanime looks nothing like Christopher Lee." Tanner called up a photo of Frightanime -- he looked rather much like Jack Palance. Pussy just rolled her eyes.

"So, how are we supposed to kick this guy's ass, then?" James asked.

"Well, I imagine you can just shoot him," Tanner reasoned. "He's not some immortal with one obvious weak point, after all. The only problem will be finding him."

"Ooh, I know!" Irennie said. "We can put an ad on Craig's List!"

Tanner rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Yes, that might work...WAIT! DON'T USE MY COMPUTER!" Irennie had already hopped behind Tanner's keyboard.

"Oh hush you, I don't feel like going all the way down to my office," she pooh-poohed him. "Ooh, what's this? 'Review unfinished ad'?" She looked at Tanner tellingly. "What's the ad about, Tanner? Looking to sell old furniture, maybe seeing if you can carpool to MI-6?" she asked.

"Er...yes, I want a carpool. Now, just ignore that, and --"

"Oh my GOD!" Irennie screamed. "'Wanted: 300+ pound woman to rub shit all over my body. Please be able to host.' Tanner, you sick motherfucker!"

"Er. Quite. Could you please, er, keep it to yourselves?" he meekly asked.

Irennie looked up from the computer. "What? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was just forwarding your ad to everyone in MI-6." Within minutes, the sounds of laughter or vomiting could be heard throughout the entire building.

Face burning with humiliation, Tanner roared "Are you quite done yet?"

"No, I'm looking for you mom's email address."

"OUT! OUT!" he cried, shoving the Krew out of his office.

XXXX

Two days later, Bond and friends were staking out the parking lot of a gas station outside London, where they had posted on Craigslist that they would be waiting for Frightanime to make contact.

"It's getting late. Are you sure he'll come?" Bond whispered to Pussy, who had placed the ad in her own office after being kicked out of mean ol' Tanner's office.

"Yes, I'm sure of it. ...Look, is that him?" Pussy pointed out a car which was pulling into the gas station. The Krew watched in silence as the car parked facing the street and flashed its lights three times.

"Hmm. He gave the signal, but that's an awfully shitty car for a world-class assassin," Kail said. "Smiley, what kind of car do you drive?"

Smiley shrugged. "I was a quadriplegic until a few weeks ago. I don't drive anything."

Before the agents could get out of their car, another car pulled into the gas station and flashed its lights. "Now that's odd," Bond commented.

The Krew decided to wait a few minutes. Eight more cars eventually joined the first two. "What the hell is going on?" Irennie asked.

"Pussy, call up the ad that you posted," Smiley instructed.

Pussy frowned. "Uh, I guess I put a teensy typo in the ad."

Bond sighed. "What?"

"Instead of saying 'We need to blow a guy away', I put in 'We need to blow a guy'."

Bond took out his binoculars and examined the men across the street (who had waited in their cars). Several were in a state of undress, and Bond thanked God he couldn't see anything below mid-chest. Except that one man... "Hey, that guy on the far left has a third nipple," he said.

"Frightanime has a third nipple!" Kail said excitedly.

"So does SCARAMANGA!" Pussy screamed.

"Hush," Kail shushed. "Let's go get him!"