A/N: Thanks for liking the sexy times from last chapter. This chapter is free of lemons, but we'll be moving back in that direction shortly. This is a little deeper on the emotional spectrum. My beta even said it brought a tear to her eye, and she's not a crier.
Speaking of chisaii-kitty, she's a pretty awesome beta. Any remaining mistakes are my own.
Disclaimer: None of it's mine, wish it was though.
Eric sat at the counter of the bar in his kitchen, brooding over a cup of coffee. He had been staring at the mug for the past hour but hadn't taken a sip. He was reflecting on last night's events while his stomach was in knots, flip-flopping faster than a politician caught in a lie. Everything had gone so well, but he could pinpoint the moment it all went to shit.
They had watched the sunrise and cuddled close ready to get some much needed sleep. They just shared a good night kiss and as his head hit the pillow he let it slip. I love you. It's such a simple sentence; three words, eight letters, barely a full breath necessary to say it. The issue lies not in the denotation, but in the connotation. It held such power and meaning far beyond its simple structure.
Did he mean it? He was an author, a man of words, skilled in their artful selection. In a moment of pure bliss after a night of pleasure it spilled from his lips without any consideration. If he said it, it must have come from somewhere. It must hold some meaning in his heart and mind.
Was he ready to be in love again? Dating casually is one thing, but to truly love someone is a horse of a much different color. He knew in his heart that what he felt for Sookie was far from casual, but was it love? If he loved Sookie, what did that say to his feelings for Felicia? Did they just stop because he had met someone new? Was it fair to love Sookie while at the same time holding on to the love he felt for Felicia?
Could he ever give his heart to another? Could they actually be in love after just two short weeks? He had heard of love at first sight, practically experienced it first hand when he saw Felicia at his parent's bar. But he didn't say the words for months, allowing his actions to speak louder than words.
In his entire life, he had told two women he loved them in a romantic way. The first was in elementary school to Emma Samuelsson. Her response was to throw dirt at his face and stomp on his foot. The other was Felicia their first night in their brand new New York apartment when he first moved from Stockholm. In typical Felicia fashion, she punched him in the arm and shouted, "It's about damn time!" before saying it back. Needless to say, the bed had been properly christened.
When he said it to Sookie, barely a whisper, she had no response but to fall asleep clutching his chest. Did this mean she didn't love him back or that he had tired her out to the point of sheer exhaustion? Wouldn't she have said it back if she felt the same way? Had she even heard him? It did appear that she fell asleep as soon as her eyes closed; perhaps the words never reached her ears.
He had a thousand more questions swirling through his mind and sadly, his coffee cup had no answers. He tried to stay in bed to keep holding her, but the anxiety he felt kept him from staying still for too long. He needed someone to talk to, someone who always steered him in the right direction. He looked to the bedroom where Sookie still slept, completely oblivious to his turmoil. It dawned on him where he should go, but clothing would be necessary to leave the apartment.
He found his forgotten clothes from last night scattered across his living room. They were clean enough to go out for a little while. He wrote Sookie a quick note so she would know where he was when she woke. He quietly left the apartment, his mind still questioning but he knew a solution would come to him quickly.
He rounded the corner of his block with purpose, hopeful that the person he was looking for would be easy to find. He entered Stackhouse Gym, crestfallen to see that Crystal, not Amelia, was behind the counter.
"Hey Eric, you're here awfully early. Wasn't last night a blast? Looks like your party didn't stop considering that's what you were wearing then. Oh man, after you left, Jason and Hoyt did a duet of 'SexyBack'. It was terrible, but hysterical"
Crystal kept rambling on about the night before, but Eric had no patience for her. This was in part due to the fact he hadn't slept but mostly because he was on a mission. "Crystal, that's all great, but where is Amelia? Is she due in today?"
"Um, she should be here soon. She has her early class today and that starts in a half hour. You can go wait for her in studio three."
He ran upstairs to wait for Amelia to show up. She had been his pseudo-psychiatrist before and he was hoping that she would help him sort through all the conflicting thoughts he was having. Within five minutes, he saw Amelia coming through the doorway. She ran over to him with a concerned look on her face.
"Crystal said you looked out of it. Are you okay? What's going on, is everything alright? Oh my God, is Sookie okay?"
"Sookie's fine, she's still asleep at my apartment. I'm just having a crisis and needed someone to talk it out with."
"Uh, that sounds like a girlfriend job. Shouldn't you talk to her about your problems?"
"But she is the problem. Well, no, that's a lie. I think I'm the problem. Before she fell asleep this morning, I said that I loved her. She didn't say anything back, but I think she was out before I said it. As soon as I said it, I just lost it and I've been freaking out ever since. I don't know if I meant it, if I feel it, if I'm ready for this."
"I'm going to stop you right there, I don't want you having another panic attack on me. I'd love to give you the answer, but I can't tell you if you're in love. I think you just need time to sort all your thoughts out. Just take some time to sit and reflect on everything."
"I've been doing that all morning. God knows I haven't been sleeping."
"No, you've been panicking all morning. You need to think in a structured, focused way. I'm about to lead a guided meditation, why don't you stay for class? It will help clear your mind so you can work through this mess with a fresh start."
"I've never done anything like it before. Is meditation hard to get into?"
"Nope, you'll do just fine. But I have the feeling that I'm missing something here. Step one, piano bar. Step two, blank. Step three, mental breakdown."
"We had sex in every position I could imagine, and some I couldn't. We had sex in every room in my house. It was the best I've ever had."
"Wow."
"Yeah."
"Do you love her?"
"I don't know. I think I could, but that's not good enough if you're going to say it. If it came out, then it must be in here somewhere."
"Come on in to the studio. I'll get you set up before everyone else starts to show up. You will be a bit overdressed. Most people meditate in sweatpants or loose fitting clothes. I think you're the first to do it in an Armani suit."
"Thanks Amelia. You've been spending too much time with Pam; the snark is off the charts. Just the type of comfort a guy in my situation needs."
"Oh hush. Jason was right behind me when I came in. I'll go down to his office and get you a pair of shorts so you'll be more comfortable."
She came back within minutes and he left the room to go change. Thankfully Jason wore long basketball shorts, so they covered him well enough. By the time Eric came back into the classroom, other students had started to fill in for their moment of zen before work. He took the mat that Amelia had laid out for him and sat on the floor. Amelia was working her way around the room, lighting candles and incense and the soft scent of sandalwood and cedar filled the air. She started the speakers along with her iPod and soon soft classical music began to play. The piano concerto was already helping calm Eric's nerves. He was brought back to focus on the room when Amelia had sounded a small gong. In the time Eric had spaced out, the entire class had gathered and begun.
"Good morning, class. My name is Amelia Broadway and, as usual, I will be leading you on a meditative journey to relaxation before you head to work. We'll begin with a few breathing exercises before I start the selected reading for the day."
She described the proper breathing techniques. With each inhale and exhale, Eric could feel his mind beginning to clear. By the time Amelia instructed them to find their most comfortable position, laying down or sitting up; he was free from all the thoughts that had muddled his mind.
"In honor of the impending snowfall, I've decided an appropriate reading. As our minds clear, a snowed in lodge comes into focus. The lodge is nestled in a mountain range perfect for skiing. This range is anywhere, everywhere, yet no place in particular. Allow your mind to take you where it needs to go."
Eric flashed back to his childhood vacations to ski resorts in Sweden. They had been some of his favorite memories of wintertime. He could imagine the grand lodges in great detail. Amelia's voice was getting farther and farther away.
"You have entered the lodge after a long day on the slopes. Every muscle is deliciously sore with the exertion of the day's activities. You wander the long corridors coming across a secluded lobby far from other guests. You realize you are the only one in the room. At the heart of the room is a spectacular fireplace that takes up most of one of the walls. Circled around the hearth are chairs and couches. You take a seat in one and begin the process of relaxation."
Despite Amelia's words, Eric was not alone in the room. As he approached the fireplace, he noticed two heads appearing over the top of two chairs. One had a long blonde ponytail and the other a mess of black curls. The two women were obviously involved in a deep conversation that was just out of hearing range. They couldn't possibly be who he thought they were, could they?
Sookie woke with a stretch. She felt a certain tenderness, but was happy with every ache in her body. She rolled over expecting to see Eric in bed next to her, but all she saw was a note card on his pillow. She wiped the sleep from her eyes and tried to get them to focus. As she read the words, her panic started to set it.
Sookie,
My mind is racing and I'm feeling confused about last night. I need to get my head on straight before we can talk about this. I've gone to the gym to clear my thoughts. Please don't be upset with me. This will all be alright. I'll be back soon.
~Eric
What happened last night? They made love numerous times; if he was feeling conflicted, wouldn't he have stopped after the first? Why would he keep going all night if he wasn't happy? Did she do something wrong? Maybe she couldn't pleasure him properly or live up to his standards as a partner.
Did she force him into it? If he wasn't ready to make that step, her performance on stage could have pushed him too far in the wrong direction. Maybe he only acted on his carnal desires without thinking it through all the way and now he regretted having sex with her. Did he only have sex with her because he knew she wanted to? Could he have been afraid to lose her if he didn't make a move?
She sat up in bed feeling a mixture of regret and hurt in her stomach. She felt as if she was the worst girlfriend in the history of relationships. The one thing he asked of her was to take things slowly, and here they having sex after only two weeks. Could she lose him over this? What if he shuts down again, withdrawing into himself permanently?
She felt the hot tears running down her face at the thought of losing Eric. They hadn't known each other long, but spent much of everyday together. She had grown so close to him in that time that she couldn't imagine going back to a life without him. Whenever she was with him, she always felt calm and happy. She had not felt this comfortable with a man ever. She could even imagine falling in love with him, if she wasn't already.
She dried her eyes and went on the hunt for her purse to locate her cell phone. She fought for him last time and she would do it again if need be. He meant too much to her to back down now. Hitting the speed dial, she was soon connected with the gym.
"Stackhouse Gym, this is Crystal speaking, how can I help you?"
"Crystal, it's Sookie. Strange question, but did you see Eric come in today?"
"Oh yeah, he came in a little while ago looking for Amelia. He seemed real messed up. What happened last night after you guys left?"
"Nothing you need to worry about. Did he find Amelia? Is he still there?"
"Well, he hasn't come down, but her meditation class started like ten minutes ago. Maybe he stayed for it? I'd call up to Amelia, but she hates it when the phone rings during meditation time. Says it ruins her sense of balance."
"It's fine, I'll be there in a minute. Thanks."
She hung up her phone and started to find her clothes. She didn't want to go to the gym in her blouse and skirt from last night, but unless she wanted to step outside in an outfit that was ten sizes too big it was her only option. No one would notice since she was just going around the corner. She made a mental note that if this all works out, she would need to start leaving clean clothes here for unexpected sleepovers.
She waved to Crystal as she entered the gym, choosing to ignore the expression on the other girl's face when she recognized last night's wardrobe. She ran up the stairs as fast as she could in her four inch heels. As soon as she entered the studio floor, she could hear Amelia's voice. She slipped off the shoes to keep quiet and approached the end of the floor where class was being held. She peeked in the open door of the room and sure enough, Eric was there, eyes closed in meditation.
Amelia looked over at Sookie with concern. She walked over, still reading from her notebook, to wrap her friend in a hug. She whispered quietly in Sookie's ear, "It's going to be okay. You know boys don't handle new emotions well. This is just what he needs."
Amelia walked away, resuming her reading as if nothing happened. She knew the student's wouldn't notice anyway as they were so far gone in their own thoughts. Sookie looked over at Eric, flat on his back laying on the floor. When she focused on his face, she could see a pained expression on his features and tears running down his cheeks. It took all her resolve not to run into the room to hold him, to comfort him. She took Amelia's word that this quiet moment was what he needed. Her friend's words swirled through her mind, what new emotions could Amelia be talking about?
Sookie tried to reflect on what happened last night. Maybe she was all wrong. Perhaps Eric was just nervous about how close they had grown and didn't know how to handle it. But why would he run to Amelia? Why wouldn't he talk to her about his feelings? Sookie was pulled from her thoughts as Amelia hit the gong again signaling the end of class. As the other students rose and filtered out, Eric stayed down. She watched as Amelia walked over to him to try to rouse him. She tried to find all her inner strength to prepare for whatever Eric had to tell her. She hoped he wasn't too hurt to try again.
As Eric approached the two apparently old friends, he caught a glimpse of their faces. It was Felicia and Sookie, chatting like women who knew each other for years. It was Felicia who caught his gaze first.
"Baby, I was wondering when you'd get here. You've made me and Sookie wait so long. You've spent so much time trying to keep us apart but here we are, best friends. She's a special girl."
He dropped to his knees before his lost wife, tears in his eyes. He had dreamed of Felicia over the years but never in such great detail. Perhaps it was because this wasn't a dream but a vision that his mind was playing. He grabbed her hands in his, and they felt so real he never wanted to let go.
"I've been trying to find you for so long."
"Baby, why are you still looking for me? You've known where I've been all along. I'm right here," she said pointing to his head. "I'll always be there and I'll always be here too," she added placing a hand over his heart. "But that doesn't mean you need to stop living and loving. The way you've been acting these years you might as well have died along with me."
"Part of me did."
"God and you give Pam shit for being over-dramatic. You didn't die, Eric. You just hit the pause button for a while. You've been doing pretty well with the play button now, but you're finger is so close to rewind it's scary. It's time to move forward, Eric, time to start living. I'm the past and Sookie's the future. I know you'll always love me, but it's time to start loving her."
"Do I love her?"
"You know you do, so don't try and bullshit me. You never were able to lie to me. Loving her doesn't erase what we had. But not living your life won't preserve it forever, either. She's a pretty awesome chick, I definitely approve."
"I don't want to let you go."
"So don't. Hold on to me forever, Eric, I'll never leave you. Loving Sookie doesn't mean you stopped loving me. You'll always love me, just like I'll always love you. I'm part of you and I always will be. I can't stand to see you in so much pain. There are forces at play bigger than you and me. I just asked for a nice girl to be sent your way. Fate brought her to you, don't throw it away."
"She'll never take your place."
"It's not about replacement. The love you feel for us is different and unique. Love her, cherish her. You need her in your life. It's time to move forward so get a move on. You've wasted too much time on pain and sorrow. It's time for some happiness."
She placed a gentle kiss on his lips before getting up and walking down the hallway Eric had come in from. He was left in the room with Sookie and the roaring fire. He could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks as his hands stroked the fabric of the chair Felicia had just occupied.
"I've never gone skiing, Eric. Will you teach me? Let's get out of here and hit the slopes! Come on, it's time to go."
"Eric? Eric, hun, it's time to go." Eric cracked his eyes open to Amelia's concerned face hovering above him. He blinked a few times, feeling something on his face. He wiped it away with the back of his hand, and when he looked down, his hand was wet. The tears weren't in the dream, but real.
"Wow, man, where did you go? Must have been a powerful journey. Did you get the answers you were looking for?"
"I think so. She's never left me. She's always been with me and she'll always be with me. Loving Sookie doesn't take away from what I once had with Felicia."
"Glad you finally realized that for yourself. Now why don't you dry your eyes and pull it together because someone's here waiting for you."
He sat up and looked to the door where Sookie was standing, looking very concerned for him. She was obviously worried; she always chewed her lip when she was worried. He wiped his eyes on his shirt before walking over to where she was waiting. He wrapped her in a tight hug, not ever wanting to let her go. She gently pushed her way out of his embrace after a few moments to look up at his face. She was the one with tears in her eyes now.
"I am so sorry about last night. I knew it was too soon for us to have sex and now you're freaked out. I'm sorry I made you take that step so fast."
He stopped her with a passionate kiss to her lips. He pulled her in tight once again, gently grasping her face in his hands, deepening the kiss to try and convey every emotion he was feeling.
"I shouldn't have left the apartment this morning. There were so many thoughts going through my head it felt like I couldn't breathe. It wasn't your fault, not at all. We made love last night because we both wanted to. Don't feel for one moment that you rushed us into things. Every moment was amazing, I don't regret anything."
"But what was wrong this morning?"
"I said something before you fell asleep that I wasn't sure if I meant. The weight of it just had me all mixed up. I needed a little independent guidance on sorting through everything."
"So you're okay now?"
"Yes. More than all right. I'm ready to starting living again, to start feeling again. Sookie, I love you."
She looked up at him eyes wide, unsure of how to reply. An expression of calm suddenly passed over all her features. Their gaze locked, and she was ready to answer.
A/N2: Yeaaah, I'm just gunna leave that there. Seems like a nice spot to stop, right? Who's on board with chisaii-kitty to come on up to NY and beat me down over that?
A little cliff never hurt anywone. I originally wrote her reply, but the masochistic side of me deleted it with maniacal laughter. Don't get your panties in a bunch, I'll update soon with her answer. Promise.
