Turkey Day!
Anyhow, I'm pretty sure it's Thanksgiving. Like 80%. I mean, I'm the only one here. I woke up a little while ago, and everybody's gone, and the lights are all off and the doors are locked, so I'm guessing Mom and Doug hauled ass to Virginia. And by ass, I mean Muggles, ahahaha! Seriously, fuck you, Muggles.
I gotta admit, there was like one second there where I was kinda sad that I decided not to go, cause you know, turkey, right? I mean who doesn't like turkey? I bet even turkeys do, if you asked them before they found out. Then I remember it's at Dad's, so fuck it, never mind. I can just see him shoving little pieces of black turkey into Super Sis's mouth and wiping her smug little face with a napkin. And she's probably sitting on his knee like fucking Santa Claus, and Mom's feeding Doug carrots again . . . And Muggles is off in a corner banging Lovegood. Jeez!! Anybody want seconds?
College, my ass. Fucking blonde goes all the way into her brain. She couldn't add two plus two if her life depended on it. Shit, life, what am I saying? I can just see her, whining around her dorm room, getting kinky with scissors and staplers and shit so geeks'll do her homework for her. Super Sis is good with the geeks. Wonder if she's knocked up yet. Snort! Oh my god, Eyebrows would freak! Not Dad, though, hell no, he'd just be like, "Aw, my little Claire Bear's growing up! I just wish I coulda been there." Yeah, too bad she never gets any taller! The fuck is that about? Least I'm not a god damn hobbit, dad! But we all know who the Precious is around here, don't we? Yeah, you bet we do!
Aw, damn it, I'm getting pissed off again. Be right back. I need to mellow out.
Kay, I'm back. Anyways, I went and shimmied out of my jeans. Cause nobody's home, and I might as well be walking around in my tights, right? Fuck yeah!! Feel like I kinda got my mojo back. Been feeling weird ever since I got home. Too much clothes or something. I don't know.
I gotta make dinner now. Only thing is, what does a supervillain have for his first Thanksgiving dinner if he doesn't have a turkey? Gotta think about this.
Entry:
Sweet, dinner's on! You know I rock as a cook, right? I totally do. And not just toast and shit, either. Like this one time me and Eyebrows were just chilling, and all of a sudden it hits me, and I'm like, "Dude! I am so making pancakes! You want pancakes, right?" Cause who doesn't want pancakes? I always want pancakes! So he seemed cool with it, only for some reason he wished I wouldn't run around the kitchen in my tights with an apron over them. Only he didn't say run, he called it prancing, which I thought was waaay outta line. It's called grace, for god's sake! I mean, get real, you gonna perch on a windowsill or pull off a flying roundhouse being all wobbly and inflexible?? NO! You gotta be graceful! Like a ballerina, only badass!
And at one point, he sorta rubs his hand over his forehead and goes, "Larry, where the hell did you even get that apron?" I don't know, I guess it was kinda pink and frilly or something. I think it used to be mom's. But I didn't tell him that, cause he gets all moody if you talk about moms. Dude's got a total mommy complex, you do not not wanna go there. He's had like three or four, however that shit works. I don't know, I think he was a foster kid or something, like that kid at school who gave Alan a swirlie that one time. What was that kid's name again? Jim. No, James. Wait, is that the same name? Joey?
Well, anyhow, never mind. Eyebrows starts talking about it sometimes, and I just sit there going, "Yeah, man, that fucking sucks, man!" only really I'm trying to figure out if I got enough pocket money for a new bag. But he gets to vent, so we're cool. Only most of the time, he just gets more and more pissed off, till he's sitting there all red in the face, sparking, I mean like literally sparking, looking like he's about to fucking snap in half.
Ezekiel! The kid's name was Ezekiel. Son of a bitch, no wonder he was so pissed all the time.
Anyhow, I'm like, "Sylar, dude, you gotta calm down! Parents, man, I get it." And he growls, "What do you know about it, Larry?" And I'm like, "Are you shitting me??" And he's like, "Well, at least you had Claire!" And come the fuck ON! Right? So I go, "Claire? Claire Bear McHappy-Healing CHEERLEADER FACE?? Is that who you're talking about, Sylar? Aw you gotta be fucking with me! Oh, yeah, like you would've just loved for Claire to be your sister!"
Cause he's not weird enough with his sharpie brows and that demented little photog operation he's got going on the side and shit, right? Hell no.
And then Eyebrows' shoulders slump, and he's all, "Well—well, no I guess not. Although, actually. . . I did think she was my niece for a few weeks one time." Then shit got awkward. But the pancakes! Oh my god!!
What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, dinner!
Hey, I wonder if my spoon is still under my sock drawer. Be right back!
Friday:
I don't know about your Thanksgiving, but mine is rocking!! You wanna know why? I got one reason for you:
The reunion of Eyebrows and Larry!
Dinner's on, like I said, and I was just running upstairs to get my headband/supervillain mask, cause I want to eat Thanksgiving dinner in style. So I'm coming back out of my room, pulling it over my head, and I don't know, I guess I got a little excited, cause I jumped up on the handrail thinking I'd slide down it so my cape could fly out behind me. But I guess I shoulda hung on better or something (I stuck my arms out in front of me like Superman). Next thing I know, I'm flipped over the side. (I also racked the sweet living fuck outta myself, but I'm trying to forget that part.) Which, okay, it's not that long of a drop, right? Only my cape got snagged on the banister.
So I'm just hanging there, right? And by hanging, I mean OH MY GOD I'm fucking dying! And I'm thinking, shit, when Mom and Doug get home, they're gonna find my corpse dangling over the stairs in tights, and they're gonna think it's some kind of erotic asphyxiation type deal. And you know what? That is not the way a hardcore supervillain goes out, my friend! Not Larry!
So I'm struggling, and I keep saying inside my head, "You are not gonna win, Muggles! I haven't made you rue yet, but it's still coming!"
That's when I hear the footsteps coming from down the hall. They're real faint, cause my ears are kinda stopping up at this point, but I start thinking, oh shit, like is that Grim Reaper coming down to take my soul away or something? Like, should I have been a better person maybe and not smoked so much pot or promised to help Eyebrows annihilate our enemies and enslave the human race?
I hear a voice, real muffled, yell, "Larry!"
And I'm like, shit man, even the Grim Reaper doesn't know my fucking name. And I start trying to say, "Lyle. It's fucking Lyle!" Only nothing comes out. And then I felt like I was falling, and everything just went away. I'm not gonna lie, it was kinda nice.
But when I woke up—I guess I was out maybe five or ten minutes, not too long—someone's standing over me, holding something pink and frilly out in front of my face.
And this real familiar voice says, "Larry. What have I told you about this?" And I'm like, "Unnnnh?" And he's like, "What have I told you about this apron, Larry?" And I'm like, "Dad?" And he's like, "Damn it, Larry!! You can wear the apron backwards, but that doesn't make it a cape!"
And then all of a sudden it hits me: um, hello? EYEBROWS! He must've come in Super Sis's window!
So I bolt upright, and I swear to god I've never been so happy to see his weird-ass-looking face! You ever notice he kinda looks like a muppet? Anyhow, after I get done coughing, I go, "Dude, fuck the apron! Where the hell have you been?"
Then he flings my cape down beside me—looks like he TK-ed it in back to get me down, or maybe just so I couldn't wear it anymore—and of course he starts right in whining. I mean, don't get me wrong, Eyebrows is cool and totally badass and all that, but he can be kiiiinda whiny. So he takes off about how he was violated by, like, four people at that hotel where he was supposed to meet Super Sis. I think maybe he said one of them was Dad, which that's weird, right? Like maybe this whole divorce shit's starting to make sense. But I'm kinda hazy on that, cause next up he started in about some paramedic holding him down and nailing him so bad he screamed. Like, whoa, TMI!!!
But I want to be sympathetic, right, so I'm like, "Jeez, man, sounds like you got a nice lawsuit cooking there. I mean if you wanted one."
And he's like, "Lawsuit?" And he kinda snorts and says, "As if I needed the money."
And get this: Right in front of me, he turns one of the sofa cushions into gold! And I'm sitting there with my chin on the floor. Like, how did I not know about THIS shit??
So I'm like, "DUDE! Dude!" with my arms up, hands pointing at he cushion. And he's playing it cool like he likes to do so much, sitting back acting like he feels better already, like, "What?" All casual and shit. And I'm like, "Dude?!" And he raises one of his sharpie brows and goes, "Um, yes?"
And then I kinda lost my train of thought and forgot what I wanted to say. So I was just like, "You want dinner, man? I made brownies."
