MGM owns all characters except OCs mentioned.
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews and thanks Betherdy Babe for Beta and dwparsnip and scr1 for several of the problems Rodney encountered.
"Rodney!" Teyla and Carson yelled as the physicist looked up from lying on his back.
"Can't breathe!" he screamed. "Oh God, I can't breathe. I can't see. I'm going into shock."
"Rodney!" Carson yelled again as he grabbed Rodney's arms to keep him from flailing too much and knocking the other chair on top of them. "Calm down. You're wearing gloves."
"I can't die," Rodney wailed. "Not now."
"Rodney, you're not going to die," Carson pulled him into a sitting position. Torren was screaming, so the Scotsman turned to Teyla and said, "Please take him out and calm him down. Rodney's fine."
"I'm not fine!" Rodney snapped. "I'm going into anaphylactic shock!"
"Rodney, you were wearing gloves," Carson said, pulling Rodney's hands in front of his face. "Now calm down and stop being such a whiny baby. Do you really want Jennifer to see you crying over spilled juice?"
"Jennifer?" Rodney looked around. "Where is Jennifer? She's my doctor, you should call her."
"She is not your doctor. We don't have specific patients. She's the only one who can stand to treat you, so she gets stuck with you," Carson snapped. "Now that the hysterics are done, can you help me with my computer?"
"Oh, that's classic," Rodney snarked, pushing himself up from the floor. "I'm dying and you only care about your problems."
Carson rolled his eyes and set his computer on the table next to one with a cracked screen. "What's with this broken computer?"
"Ronon's," Rodney said as he pulled on some new gloves and shoved the others toward Carson, "Can you get rid of these?"
"Ronon has a computer?" Carson asked with his eyebrows raised.
"That's what I said," Rodney said, looking at Teyla's computer and backing away from the table. "Hey, Carson, can you get rid of that too?"
"The computer?" Carson said.
"Of course," Rodney barked. "It's covered in orange juice. I can't have it here, it's deadly."
"I'm not your lackey," Carson complained. "This was the worse idea I think Woolsey ever had, making you serve the masses."
"Hey, you guys are lucky to have someone so smart to solve your computer problems," Rodney said smugly.
After questioning Carson for at least half an hour about everything he did to his computer since he returned because half his systems wouldn't work, Carson finally mentioned something useful. "Doctor Porter sent me a lovely email, but once I opened it, my system started…"
"Carson, please tell me this email didn't say ILOVEYOU in the subject line?" Rodney furrowed his brow and held his breath.
"It's none of your bloody business what it said," Carson answered hotly.
"Oh crap! You opened one of the oldest viruses out there," Rodney said and then groaned. "Please tell me you haven't connected to the network since you got back?"
"Of course, how the hell would I get the email?" Carson asked.
"No!" Rodney's scream actually brought a couple security guards to the IT room this time.
When five o'clock hit, Rodney was dead on his feet. After fighting with the virus for several hours and calling in Radek to help scrub the servers of the worm, he helped Chuck find a file he deleted and then assisted Lorne when he cleaned his registry and removed valuable information. Preparing to leave, he got one more call.
Groaning loudly, he hit the intercom, "What do you want?"
"I hope you are annoyed I'm calling at 4:55 and was not this rude to people all day, Doctor McKay," Woolsey said.
"As a matter of fact I have been," Rodney said. "I have never been cut out to serve the public."
"So it would seem," Woolsey agreed. "I wish to have you encrypt the menu files on the server in the future."
"What?" Rodney asked, remembering his hacking earlier in the day. "Why?"
"The menu for tonight was changed from chicken piccata to steak," his boss said.
"Is there no steak?" Rodney asked before he smacked his forehead. Idiot!
"Yes, there's steak, but I was prepared to make chicken piccata. Pulled out an old family recipe from my mother too," Woolsey explained.
"You're working in the kitchen?" Rodney asked stunned.
"Yes. I'm a gourmet chef and thought I'd put it to use. Not much I can do with steak, though, and the Marines are expecting it, so I can't change it or we'll have a riot. I'd like you to make sure this cannot happen again," Woolsey said in his authoritarian voice that Rodney hated.
"Of course," Rodney said.
After fixing the encryption, adjusting numerous environmental controls for the next week and leaving copious open computer repair tickets for Radek to complete the next day, Rodney headed to dinner at 5:15. I'm late. "Jennifer?" he tentatively said into his intercom, but got no reply. Feeling sick to his stomach that he was late for his possible-date with Jennifer and that she was pissed, he ran quickly to the mess hall.
TBC
