AN: Sorry this is so late going out but with exams and Christmas travels, things have been crazy. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. A couple of people have asked about my other stories and they are not necessarily on hiatus because I've been working on them, but they won't be updated until this is finished. Enjoy. I hope you'll all see the reason I decided to update tonight, and if you see any grammar errors PM me because I made some last minute changes and may have missed some things. You're all fabulous.
Disclaimer: I do not own HSM.
~*~
Lay Him Down To Sleep
PART SEVEN
"Like the lighthouse on the coast."
-I Need You, Faith Hill & Tim McGraw
January
The sun had risen by the time Gabriella woke the following morning. Grinning to herself as she stretched and flexed her toes against the legs wedged between her knees, she felt the person behind her shift slightly before burying his face in her neck. Shivering in the cold room, where the curtains remained closed to shut out the sunlight, Gabriella clutched the dark sheets to her chest and turned to press herself into Troy's blistering hot chest. His arm slipped lower on her back under the sheet and she could feel his splayed fingers tapping out a beat to an unknown song.
Gabriella basked in the glow that fluttered in her stomach. She could recall every second from the night before. Every rushed kiss and every savoured caress, each word and each pleasurable touch, were seared into her mind. Troy's fingers had moved to her hair and she could feel him winding individual strands around his fingers. She closed her eyes, snuggling closer. The day would be perfect if they could be allowed to stay exactly as they were without interruptions, but Gabriella knew it would never happen.
The Boltons were due home from the hotel just after lunch and Andy had organized the semi-traditional three-on-three basketball tournament that took place in the backyard court any year that it was possible. Troy had explained the day before that it usually included their friends and some of the seniors from his father's high school team. Lucille and Jack would barbeque and stuff them all full of food before sending them home sometime before midnight as the last big event before school started. Just thinking of that minute detail made Gabriella's stomach curl. She had a decision to make and although she knew what it would be, it wasn't what she wanted but what everyone else did.
"We should get up," Troy mumbled in her ear, letting his hands slip away from her body to stretch his arms above the bed. Gabriella grunted an undistinguishable response, her face still turned towards his bare chest and unable to be seen from his position. She felt him lift himself on one elbow while one hand brushed against the curls on her forehead. "El? What are you thinking about?"
Gabriella bit her lip, deciding if now was the time. Sighing, she rolled onto her back, sheets still clutched to cover her. Looking up into Troy's face, she felt that she knew it as much as she knew her own. His eyes were bright, his cheeks holding color. It was a good day and she didn't want to risk adding tension to what was pulsing between them.
"School," she finally whispered softly, "And how I don't want to go."
He didn't say anything, simply flopping onto his back, joining her as she stared at the ceiling coated in childish glow-in-the-dark stars. Andy had announced his decision to take the semester off and remain in Albuquerque until the following fall at the dinner table during Christmas dinner. No one had protested against it, understanding that nothing would change his mind. Stanford would always be there, the Dean had assured him of that when he contacted the school days after returning home, but Troy would not and so everyone had nodded their heads and continued to compliment Lucille's apple pie. Gabriella had heard Troy comment on it a couple of times since, feeling guilty that his brother's life was being put on hold, but Andy had told him that school was less important at the moment.
Gabriella felt the same. She didn't want to go to school, miles away, and be connected only by phone calls. Without Andy and his SUV there, getting to Albuquerque would be an expensive and inconvenient task. She couldn't bear to think that she would spend the majority of the next few months in a place that didn't have Troy. She also knew that Troy wouldn't hear of her doing anything but returning. Turning her head, she watched the contemplative look on his face. It wasn't peaceful or thoughtful, but rather she could tell he was arranging words in his head so that what he had to say came out right.
"I don't want you to go either," he told her, looking away from the ceiling now that the conversation was taking place. "But I need you to."
"Why? Andy's taking the semester off, why can't I do the same?" Gabriella turned onto her side and propped her head with her hand. Neither of them were yelling, it would never come to that because she knew in the end she would give him what he wanted. She just hoped she could convince him to want something different. Troy sighed, shifting so that there was a strip of mattress running between them; separating them.
"Andy's not on a full-ride scholarship. You are and I cannot expect nor allow you to give that up to spend the next couple of months sitting around the house with me," Troy told her patiently while her lowered eyelashes hid the flooding frustration in her eyes.
"There are ways to put off the scholarship," Gabriella argued softly. "The school makes exceptions. I can do classes online for the semester and make up the credits I would need for next September. I don't need to go back to Stanford."
"No," Troy replied, his tone firm and sharp. "You need something other than this house. I cannot be that selfish and demand every minute of your time. You need an escape, El, from all of the baggage the next few months are going to dump on you. You need to go back to Stanford."
"I need you," Gabriella shot back, her eyes black with repressed emotion.
He just couldn't figure out how much she needed him before he was ripped away. He couldn't understand that she drew her strength from his acceptance. That it was him who kept her from throwing things through the wall or screaming in rage at the unfairness of life. He was the only thing keeping her from losing her mind. Sighing, Gabriella closed her eyes and rested her cheek against Troy's chest, letting the drumming of his heart ease away her building anger. Troy's fingers cupped her chin and pulled her face up to meet his eyes.
"I know you do," he answered her gently, his face a mixture of sadness and desperation, "And that's why I need you to go. I need to know that you have something other than me to focus on. I need to know you'll be strong when everything falls apart."
Gabriella nodded, her eyes closed, feeling as he lay down beside her. She could feel his gaze trail along her profile, his fingertips tracing the cheekbone closest to him. The discussion was closed, the decision reached, and Gabriella would go because it was what he wanted. She would hide her anxiety and her fear and the tears. She would hide the way her hands wanted to curl around his wrist and remain there until someone pried them apart. She would ignore the building ache in her heart as she began making a mental list of what needed to be packed before class began in five days. Noticing how Troy's touch had stopped and his hand now rested across her hips, Gabriella let his even breathing lull her back into sleep where everything was easily forgotten and reality didn't hurt as much.
~*~
Time blurred into rushing minutes as the early days of the new year headed towards the commencement of classes at Stanford. It was considered decided and for the sake of not fighting with Troy, Gabriella kept her thoughts of staying to herself and carried on as if everything was going according to plan. She paid her tuition electronically and called to let her dorm mate know when she would be returning. Her class schedule was double and triple checked and a morning class changed to the afternoon. The manager at the campus coffee shop where she worked was emailed to tell him to put her on the weekend schedule for the next week. A list of everything that needed to be done before leaving Albuquerque was made and on Wednesday, Troy accompanied her around town as she picked up necessities she would need to take back with her.
It was the first time since the morning of New Year's Day that they had spent more than an hour in each other's company and although Gabriella hated how they were spending it, she didn't have it in her to side with his mother and tell him to stay home and take it easy. New Years Eve had taught Gabriella that despite the brave facade that Troy put up for everyone, his health was failing and it made her hyper aware to everything he did. Promising herself to never be broadsided again by lurking symptoms, she found herself able to pick up on the slightest wince of discomfort and the most miniscule dizzy spell. More often than not, if Troy said nothing about it, she let it be and simply waited for it to pass. Other times, when she was afraid he was pushing it, she would lightly suggest a break from whatever they were doing. However, with a few hours of freedom from his parents and their house within her grasp, Gabriella decided not to comment on his off balanced steps and let him follow her to the SUV parked in the driveway. She was leaving in three days and the two of them deserved to be selfish for a little while.
Pushing an undersized shopping cart down the aisle of the local drug store after already completing her errands at the grocery store for snacks, the bank to deposit cheques from her mother, and Wal-Mart for cheaply priced scribblers, Gabriella paused and contemplated the shelves of hair care products. She hid a smirk when she saw Troy sigh and purse his lips to blow his bangs out of his face, making sure to take extra long while picking up individual bottles of mousse and cream and gel before setting them back down again. A giggle escaped at Troy's groan.
"I don't understand what the issue is," he complained, his chin resting in his hand that was propped up on the handle of the cart. "It's just shampoo."
"You're such a guy," Gabriella chirped, reading over the directions on the back of a pink bottle promising to give her volume and shine. "I could want curly hair or straight hair or spiked hair."
"Of course," Troy drawled, boredom on his face, "And what a crisis that would be."
Tossing her choices into the basket of the cart, Gabriella led Troy to the next aisle to add a few other selections before finding themselves in the candy section. Choosing a bag of JubeJubes for the car ride and two other bags of treats to stash away in her dorm room for study sessions, Gabriella began mentally calculating her expenses as they aimed the cart towards the checkout. Seeing a few people in the line ahead of her and Troy, Gabriella moved everything from the basket of the cart to her arms and then looked for a place to leave the bulky object.
"Troy, can you push this to the next cashier for me where that other lady has left hers?" Gabriella asked quietly, indicating the next register over with her free hand and gesturing to the shopping cart that Troy was leaning on. "I can just carry everything."
"If you only needed five things, why did we go through the hassle of finding a parking spot beside a shopping cart chorale because you insisted we would need one?" Troy queried, slightly annoyed when he recalled the extra fifteen minutes spent driving around the parking lot earlier.
"I thought if you got tired, it would give you something to lean on," Gabriella shrugged, her voice even and patient as she waited for him to shove the cart away, grumbling under his breath. When he returned, glaring, she rolled her eyes at the indignation on his face. "You keep tuning out your mom whenever she mentions getting a cane, so don't act so offended when I try to work with you."
"I'm not using a stupid cane," He hissed as they shuffled forward a few steps as the line moved ahead. "I know my own limitations and I know how I feel. I wish everyone would stop treating me like a child."
"Troy, relax. I'm not telling you to use the stupid cane." Gabriella cut her sentence short as the lady in front of her bid farewell to the young cashier.
Flashing the girl who looked to be about her age a bright smile, Gabriella placed her items one by one next to the scanner and dug into her purse to bring out her wallet. After paying and inserting her debit card back into its proper place, she gathered up the handles of the bag containing her goodies and thanked the girl. Troy was waiting for her by the exit door a few feet away, his usual good humour replaced by a glower and deep navy eyes that hid his frustration behind a biting tongue. He reaching for her shopping bag but Gabriella shook her head with a light smile and stuffed it into her oversized purse. She retrieved the car keys from her pocket as they approached the SUV in the lot and a quick beep let Troy know she had unlocked the passenger door.
"So I need to hit the bookstore and see if I can find some of my textbooks at a cheaper price before buying them on campus, and then I'm ready to head home," Gabriella chattered as she brought the seat belt across her chest and clicked it into place. "Was there anywhere you wanted to go?"
"Actually, I want to go home," he told her, his voice holding an edge that made her glance at him sharply. His jaw was tight and it looked like he was biting the inside of his cheek the way one would if they were trying not to swear. Dropping her gaze to where his was focused, she saw the way his fingers failed to grip the seat belt properly as he struggled to coordinate the buckle into place.
"You sure?" she asked, trying to sound casual as she yanked her eyes away when he finally succeeded and looked up. "We could go grab coffee or-"
"El?" he called to her softly, his voice losing its sharpness for a moment, "It's okay. I just need a break. Can we go home and I'll come back out with you later?"
"Yeah, of course," she told him quietly.
Turning the key in the ignition, she avoided his gaze by focusing on checking her mirrors and her blind spots. When she had backed the SUV from the parking space, she shoved the gear shift into drive and took her foot off the break. A warm touch brought her gaze to the back of her hand where Troy's hand rested over hers. Looking up, she read his apology in his expression and returned it with a weak smile of her own. It wasn't his fault, but she knew there was no point trying to convince him of anything otherwise.
~*~
A soft knock on the door interrupted Gabriella the day before she left for Stanford. Her two suitcases lay open on the bed, half-filled with clothing and accessories, while a stack of clean laundry sat on the chair to the desk. Books were piled on the desk beside her open shoulder bag containing her iPod, a magazine and her cell phone. Teasing the hair between her hair elastic and her scalp, Gabriella paused in repacking her makeup into a carry case and looked over her shoulder to see Andy standing in the hallway, his fist raised to deliver another tap.
"Hey," she called, her voice tired from sleepless nights since the one spent in Troy's arms. Her hands full of eyeliner pencils and lipgloss tubes, she rubbed at her forehead with the crook of her arm as Andy took her greeting to mean acceptance in her room. He opened the door all the way and surveyed the room that was strewn with her belongings. "Did you need something? I found that book you were asking about and left it on the kitchen table earlier."
"I got it, thanks," he replied quietly, his eyes following her fluid movements as she finished with the makeup pouch and nestled it in among her underwear and pyjamas. Her eyes met his as she turned from shoving socks into any vacant spaces among her jeans and sweaters. "I just came up to tell you that I know you don't want to go and if you ever want me to come get you, all you need to do is call."
Gabriella nodded, her lashes lowered as she toyed with the hair straightener that she had picked up from the dresser. Troy had been the one to bring up the fact that she was returning to Stanford for the winter semester during the basketball barbeque on New Year's Day. It had been casual, a nonchalant query to Jack to see if he would be able to drive her the weekend before classes began both at the university and at East High. Lucille and Jack had both covered their slight surprise well, although Jack took a moment to answer and Lucille had locked gazes with Gabriella for a handful of moments before the younger girl looked away. It had been enough of an analysis for Lucille to understand that it was Troy's decision, something that came up repeatedly in the household as the holidays crept away and a routine once again took over. Andy had been especially quiet and Gabriella wondered what he thought of her returning to their school, their friends and their classes without him.
"Gabriella," Andy called softly and she instinctly looked up. His eyes were shadowed and she wondered if they could ever be in the same room again without feeling like they were holding onto something fragile. "I mean it. If you need anything, just call. I'll come get you or find a flight. He's only making you go because he's scared."
"So am I," Gabriella whispered, her fingers robotically wrapping the cord around the hair appliance. "I'm afraid he'll go downhill so fast that I won't recognize him the next time I see him. I'm afraid that he'll die while I'm in California and that I won't have said goodbye. I'm afraid that I'll get to school and not want to come back because it will be easier to forget what's happening if I'm that far away."
"There's nothing shameful about being scared," Andy told her, reaching out without her asking to zip up the now full suitcase as Gabriella sat down on the bed next to the remaining luggage yet to be filled. "I'd be worried if you weren't, but for Troy, this is about protecting you."
"He shouldn't be worried about me," she insisted. Taking a breath, she caught Andy by the wrist and forced him to catch the frantic need in her eyes. "Promise me that if anything happens, you'll call me?"
"Of course," Andy agreed, moving towards the doorway. He stopped, looking back over his shoulder where Gabriella had resumed laying her things inside the luggage. Gabriella saw the conflicting emotions on his face, but noticed with satisfaction and comfort that concern and understanding overrode anything else she would have expected to see. "Dad wanted me to tell you that we're leaving before six tomorrow morning; he'll pack the SUV tonight when you're ready. I'll let you tell Troy."
Andy shut the door softly behind him with a click, leaving Gabriella to reach for the bag containing her jewellery. Reaching inside, she pulled out the box containing her charm bracelet and placed it in an inside pocket of her carry bag before putting the box in the suitcase with everything else. Zipping it shut, Gabriella shuddered at the sound that echoed in her empty room.
~*~
The interstate flashed by Gabriella's window as Jack drove the SUV towards Stanford that Friday morning. The clock on the dashboard told her it was just past lunch and the cellphone in her hand told her she had five missed calls, three voicemails and nine text messages from Troy. He was mad. That was clear the moment she had clicked on the first text only to have her soft smile slapped off by his note of 'Thanks for the fucking goodbye'. Snapping the phone closed, Gabriella had decided she wouldn't read the rest until she was in her dorm room and capable of calling him back with some privacy.
She hadn't told him they were leaving before breakfast. After Andy had left her to finish packing, she had taken her luggage down to the garage and tossed it into the trunk. Troy had been at Chad's to say goodbye to a few friends who were heading back to school in various states across the country, and therefore had no reason to question the scheduled departure for the next morning. He had returned home for dinner, where the five of them ate and chatted about the championship game coming up at East High near the middle of the month, and then he and Gabriella had watched a movie on the couch in the living room. She contemplated telling him repeatedly over the course of the evening, but it seemed too final. She wanted to leave with the obvious intent of coming back and saying goodbye went against that idea. So instead, she let Troy kiss her gently before ducking into his room for the night, and when Lucille woke her at sunrise, Gabriella gathered her things and went to his bedroom across the hall. For a moment, she watched him as she had on Christmas Day, knowing full well it could be the last time but praying it wasn't. Then she had kissed his forehead and whispered in his ear, hurrying from the room before he woke.
The phonecalls and the texts had been expected. She knew he would be angry, but it didn't seem to matter. He wanted her to leave and she had done it, returning to a place that no longer held her interest, but she had left on her own terms. Her phone vibrated again and she hit the ignore button without glancing at it, noting that Andy turned around from the front seat with a questioning look as he heard the vibrations of the device.
"He keeps texting me," Andy told her, his voice hard and empty. "I told you to tell him."
"And I'll take the blame," Gabriella snapped back as she dropped her phone into the hidden depths of her bag on the seat beside her. "I wasn't going to say goodbye. Not yet. Not this soon. He will not have a reason to give up by saying that we said everything that needed to be said."
"Gabriella," Jack sighed from the driver's seat and her eyes snapped to the left, "What if he-"
"No," she bit out harshly, her arms crossed to keep her hands from trembling and her head flung back against the headrest of the seat. "This will not be goodbye."
Ahead of them, the highway stretched and Gabriella fought the urge to turn around to see the direction in which she had come and from which she was gradually getting further away. Setting her jaw, she repeated her argument in her head. He wouldn't let this be their goodbye. She was counting on his stubbornness to make his health last long enough to give them more time. It was a gamble, but she wasn't ready to give him up and if it meant making him pissed off enough to live a few months just to yell at her when she returned home, she could live with that.
~*~
The first official day of the semester slid by easier than Gabriella had imagined. She had arrived at Stanford on Sunday afternoon after driving straight from Albuquerque while stopping only to change drivers and eat. Jack and Andy had stayed long enough to carry her things upstairs, sign some paperwork left for Andy at the security office, and say goodbye before climbing in the SUV and beginning the drive back. They had spent the night in a hotel near the border and then called her around noon on Monday to let her know they had gotten home safely.
In the meantime, Gabriella had called to let Lucille know that everything was working and on schedule and then spent an hour on the phone being yelled at by Troy who hung up on her twice, only to call her back three minutes later and yell some more. He had been calmer when she answered his sixth call that came on Sunday night, and they had actually managed to get everything out without crying or screaming. By the time she told him she loved him and they mutually agreed to end the phonecall, Gabriella had convinced herself that she could handle the distance and school, and Troy was convinced that she wasn't having second thoughts and had no regrets.
By the time her 11o'clock class rolled around on Monday morning, Gabriella had managed to find a sort of inner peace that allowed her function. That day she answered the professor's request of naming the multiple parts of the human brain projected onto the gigantic screen at the front of the room when he selected her randomly from his class list, and she politely introduced herself to the couple on her left who asked if she had purchased the textbook for the class yet and how much it had cost. She kept to herself that afternoon when she wandered into the dining hall to grab an apple and some yogurt after passing over the macaroni and the potato soup. Her roommate offered her a wave from a table in the corner but Gabriella just shook her head and tapped her watch before hurrying back to their dorm. She made sure to leave with plenty of time to get to her second and final class of the day.
Monday night saw Gabriella calling Troy for a quick chat. He asked her about her classes and her friends but beneath his interest and forced enthusiasm for her, Gabriella could pick up on his fatigue. When she questioned him about it, he merely mentioned that he had taken something to help with the persistent dizzy spells. They talked about the Lakers/Knicks game that had been on the night before until Andy and Jack arrived home and assured Gabriella that they were in one piece. When she hung up, with the clock beside her flashing two hours to midnight, Gabriella sighed and rolled over in her bed as she tried to focus on what classes she had on Tuesday instead of worrying about the listlessness in Troy's voice. She faked sleep when her roommate stumbled through the door an hour later.
The rest of the first few weeks of January continued with the same schedule. Gabriella went to class and to the library. In the evening, she did homework before calling Albuquerque and talking to Troy. Sometimes she talked to Andy, other times Lucille or Jack would answer and they would chat for a few moments before handing the phone over to Troy. A few times he would be sleeping and Gabriella would leave a message and he would call her the next morning before class. On Wednesday afternoons and Friday and Saturday nights she worked at the bookstore five blocks from campus. It was a boring existence, she wouldn't deny that fact, but it was how she made it through the days.
Her friends had heard from Andy's friends about their breakup and subsequently they learned about Troy. During the first few days of being back on campus, Gabriella had been polite in answering their questions. She had diplomatically told them that she and Andy had been in different places; that their minds were on other things than each other. When curiosity turned into an interrogation for messy details, Gabriella had become slightly annoyed. The weekend after Christmas Break, the group of students had convinced her to join them after work for coffee, only to spend the entire time discussing Andy's decision to not return to school. Gabriella had walked out after an hour and spent the next week avoiding the gossip. Although her anxiety of being separated from Troy lessened when it wasn't being thrown in her face constantly, her mission to avoid her friends unless necessary meant more time spent by herself.
The last week of January proved to be the beginning of the undoing of Gabriella's carefully constructed bubble. That Thursday night, she stumbled into her room after a long afternoon of researching in the library and dumped her books and papers on her desk in a precarious pile before heading to her closet. Stripping off her boots and skinny jeans, she wriggled out of her uncomfortable bodice enhanced blouse that she was constantly afraid would be ruined, and slid into sweats and a hoodie. Padding across the floor in her sock feet, Gabriella pulled open a drawer in her desk to find a hair clip to throw her hair up with. Slamming the drawer shut, the vibrations caused the uneven pile of homework to tumble from its unsteady position.
"Damn," Gabriella hissed to herself as she crouched down to pick up the mess.
Taking her time, Gabriella pulled the books from the pile and carefully stacked them in a pyramid before sliding them under the desk. Sorting through the loose papers, she tucked them inside their proper folders before placing the folders in the appropriate slot on the top shelf of the desk where she would look for them later. Bending down to retrieve the final object on the floor, Gabriella paused at the opened day planner on the floor. Sitting back on her heels, she flipped past the current week and examined the two that followed. Her eyebrows pulling together as she thought, Gabriella reached above her for the binder that held all of her syllabuses for the term. Glancing back and forth between the two objects, she found herself grinning. Without thinking, she reached for the phone.
"Lucille?" Gabriella gushed when she heard the older woman's voice on the other line pick up. "Is Troy there?"
"Gabriella, honey," Lucille greeted her warmly but Gabriella picked up on an element of caution that she'd never heard before. "He's here, but now may not be such a great time. It's been a rough day and he's in a pretty snarky mood."
"Oh," Gabriella replied, her heart squeezing as she forced false cheer into her words, "That's okay, I have something to tell him that will cheer him up."
"I'm really not sure...," Lucille trailed off as Gabriella interrupted insistently.
"Please, let me try," she pleaded.
There was a pause while Lucille debated whether or not to give into Gabriella and then she agreed quietly before Gabriella heard her leave whichever room she had been in and climb the stairs to the next floor. A soft knock was heard on the door, followed by another, and then a louder one that made Gabriella frown. Troy was ignoring his mother, she learned as Lucille muttered under her breath before giving another loud knock and simply walking into the room without an invitation. There was an exchange of words that made Gabriella worry that she shouldn't have pressed the issue, and then Lucille's voice came clearly through the line.
"Gabriella wants to talk to you, the least you can do is be polite." Lucille's voice contained more than a hint of annoyance. There was more grumbling and by the time Troy barked a greeting into the phone, Gabriella's heart was racing.
"Hey!" she said, her sweaty palms gripping the receiver tightly as she struggled to sound enthusiastic and upbeat. "Guess what?"
"How about you just tell me," Troy answered, sounding exasperated. "It won't take as long that way."
"Oh, well uh- I was looking through my planner and I figured out that-," Gabriella stuttered, taken aback by the abruptness he was showing her. "Well, I don't have any assignments due during the next two weeks that I haven't already finished. I'm all caught up on readings and my group assignment isn't meeting until the middle of next month."
"That's all very exciting, El, but I don't get what it has to do with me." Troy's voice was harsh and biting, ripping through Gabriella's heart and causing her hands to shake.
"Well, I was thinking I could plan to spend the weekend in Albuquerque," she began, hating that her voice had lost its cheeriness and now sounded desperate. "I could get tomorrow and Saturday off of work and leave tomorrow right after my morning class."
There was a pause where the only way Gabriella knew Troy was still on the line was his breathing against the mouthpiece of the phone. Her breath hitched as the silence stretched and he failed to say anything. Tears burned behind her lids and she chastised the tightening feeling that was occurring in her chest. She didn't understand what was happening, why he was acting so different. When he spoke again, his voice was softer and less hard, but the words still hurt.
"No, El," he told her. "Don't come."
"But, I thought-," Gabriella struggled to find the words, "It'd just be the weekend. It wouldn't be very long just Saturday and some of Sunday morning, but it would be-."
"I said no." Troy sighed and Gabriella could picture him rubbing his neck. "Not right now. Things are just-Now isn't a good time."
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked timidly.
"Have a good week, Ella." Then he hung up.
Gabriella stared at the phone in her hand stupidly. Tears streamed down her cheeks. He was rejecting her? But why? He hadn't even sounded like Troy. The person on the phone had sounded bitter and resentful and angry. Her Troy had never spoken to her like that; she hadn't even known it was in him to speak like that to anyone. Curling up on her bed, the agenda abandoned on the desk, Gabriella pulled the comforter under her chin and clutched the phone in her hand as her thumb hovered over the speed dial digit she hadn't used in weeks. Feeling a sob bubble in her throat as she remembered the conversation from just minutes ago, she hit the button and squeezed the speaker to her ear, waiting for the person on the other end to pick up.
"Andy? What happened to him? It's like talking to a stranger."
~*~
It was a combination of new drugs and the growing tumour. Andy explained it to her gently that Thursday night as Gabriella softly cried into her pillow. He told her that the mood swings had been appearing on and off over the last few days, lingering when Troy was tired or suffering from a headache. Thursday had been particularly frustrating when a dizzy spell lasted over thirty minutes and forced Troy to ask for help getting up from the couch to use the bathroom. It had soured his mood and increased the possibility of him verbally lashing out. The doctors had told Lucille that the mood swings would subside as Troy adjusted to the new medications.
On Friday, Gabriella devoted her afternoon to researching Troy's type of tumour online, steeling herself for what the professionals predicted for most patients and arming herself with what could be done to help. She read up on every prescription she knew he had been given, and made notes to ask Lucille about others that seemed less harmful but that hadn't been suggested. The knowledge made her calmer, helping when she called the Bolton house again on Friday night. Troy was apologetic for the first hour of the conversation until Gabriella mentioned her new lab partner for chemistry, at which point he became rude and judgemental about the 'intentions' of Jude Spears. Gabriella kept her temper at bay until she knew the call needed to end.
She didn't call on Saturday and she didn't bother asking for Troy on Sunday afternoon when she rang the house again. She chatted with Lucille about classes and hung up after asking her to deliver a message to Troy when he woke up. When he didn't call Sunday night or Monday, Gabriella began to feel something between anger and desperation. She wanted him to call to push aside her irrational fears that something was wrong, but she didn't want another terse conversation where he treated her like an annoying relative he was forced to be polite with. Troy managed to time his call on Tuesday to occur in the middle of her American Media Ethics class so that Gabriella left the auditorium to find a voicemail on her cell. It was brief, consisting of him apologizing for being a jerk, asking her to bear with him, and to call him later. When she called that evening, he didn't pick up the phone.
School began to suffer as January ended and February began. It started out innocently enough so that even Gabriella wasn't aware it was happening. She would skip a question in an assignment and forget to go back and finish it. A reading for in-class discussion wasn't finished so that parts of the lecture didn't make sense. A paper instructed to be 1,500 to 2,000 words would be concluded at 1,450. The more Gabriella became aware of it, the more she simply told herself that the work was being done, just not perfectly and not beyond what was expected of her. It was a slippery slope.
Gabriella skipped a class to work on a paper she had left to the last minute. Her lab report wasn't formatted properly. She only studied half the material for her midterm. When she got back the test with a B on it, she finally opened her eyes to what was happening. A B was considered perfectly acceptable work, but Gabriella hadn't earned a B on a midterm since her freshmen year of high school when her principal made her take introductory French. Preparing her speech for Troy in her head, Gabriella clutched the test in her hand as she made her way back to the dorms on the Wednesday afternoon in mid-February. It was Andy who picked up after four rings.
"I need to see him." Gabriella switched gears the moment she realized Troy wasn't going to answer the phone. "I don't care if he's pissed off. I don't care if he's angrier than a hornet. I need to see him before I go insane."
"I agree." Andy's ready acknowledgement of the situation wasn't expected and Gabriella hesitated for a moment before answering.
"Okay, then." She puffed out her cheeks and then blew out the air. "I'm glad you understand."
"I'll arrange it with Mom and Dad. Can you get the bus on Friday? Call me with the arrival time and I will pick you up at the station." His voice was so precise and level that Gabriella felt the tension and anxiety streaming out of her so that she finally relaxed in her seat. "And Gab? He won't be mad for very long."
"How is he?" she asked, the adrenaline she had worked up to get her through talking to Troy leaving her when she recognized an ally. "Be honest."
"I think reality is catching up with him and he's not taking it very well," Andy sighed. "We can't get him to leave the house; not even to go to Chad's. He won't do the steps unless it's absolutely necessary or mom throws a fit. Last week Dad tried to get him to work on the truck but he wouldn't even go near the garage. I think he needs to see you too."
"I'll call when I book my ticket," Gabriella assured him, her hand already covering the mouse as she clicked open the internet browser window.
Hanging up the phone, Gabriella booked her ticket to Albuquerque. Sliding the mouse down, it hovered over the spot to book a return ticket. Biting her lip, Gabriella moved passed it and onto the payment section of the procedure. Despite knowing that it would be extra money to leave her plans open-ended, she couldn't bring herself to plan her departure.
~*~
Andy met her at the bus station at 7 o'clock in the morning on Saturday after a nineteen hour drive with fifteen stops in between. Gabriella hadn't slept at all, her mind being focused on seeing Troy while fighting with paranoid thoughts of weirdoes taking over the bus and driving them into a secluded part of the desert never to be seen again. She had accepted her luggage from the bus driver and hauled the one suitcase behind out of the building and into the rising morning sun when she recognized the SUV waiting at the curb. Andy adjusted his baseball cap over his shaggy hair before taking her bag and tossing it in the backseat. Gabriella buckled her seat belt without a word, waiting for Andy to speak once he turned the SUV around and headed for the East district of town.
"Mom promised breakfast would be ready when we got home," Andy told Gabriella as he signalled a lane change. "She's been struggling to keep it a secret the last couple of days, but she's really happy you're coming."
"Me too," Gabriella answered quietly, concerned at the dark circles under Andy's eyes. "How are you?"
"I'm okay," he admitted, glancing at her for a moment. "Things have been a little volatile lately because even though we know it's not his fault, it's a little difficult to be barked at constantly without saying something back eventually. It's getting better though. Troy's grouchy, but it's more predictable and he doesn't switch personalities as quick anymore. You have some warning."
"But he doesn't know I'm coming?" she asked, seeking clarification so that she could predict a reaction.
"No," Andy admitted. "Dad thought we should, but Mom thinks seeing you may shock him out of his funk."
Lapsing back into silence, Gabriella recalled the last time they had made a similar drive to the Bolton house and how much had changed since those days before Christmas. Steeling herself as the vehicle pulled into the driveway, Gabriella followed Andy into the house. Passing the living room and the dining room, she shivered at the chill that rested in the air. The television in the living room was black, something that seemed unnatural to Gabriella who had grown used to it being constantly tuned to the sports channel over Christmas break. The back corner of the room seemed dull and empty without the sparkle of the Christmas tree or the candelabra on the windowsill. When Andy touched her elbow, Gabriella was pulled back to the attention of the kitchen down the hall where she could smell eggs and bacon.
Lucille's face lit up when Gabriella stepped through the doorway, wiping her hands on her apron to hug the younger girl. Jack folded up the newspaper and laid it on the table before standing, a grin on his lips as he welcomed her brightly. Despite the cheerful smiles and warm welcomes, Gabriella could see the strain on their faces and noticed the new grey hairs on their heads. Lucille's movements at the stove seemed slightly robotic and Jack looked tired. Taking in the absence of the other person in the house, Gabriella offered Lucille a questioning look laced with disappointment that was returned with a short nod and a look of sadness.
"I heard him go to the bathroom about an hour ago and went up to see if he'd come down," Lucille told Gabriella softly, pushing eggs around the frying pan with a spatula. "He told me he wasn't hungry and then asked if Jack knew what time the game was on."
"He won't leave the room at all?" Gabriella asked, her voice surprised at the proof that Andy hadn't been exaggerating. "Is he eating at all?"
"Sometimes," Jack cut in, "Like last night, but it took Andy and I guilting him into joining us for a family meal."
Gabriella had heard enough. Mood swings were one thing. They were a natural progression of the tumour and they were expected although unpleasant. Depression was a realistic occurrence given that control was no longer in Troy's grasp. What his parents and brother were describing was something entirely unrecognizable to Gabriella. It didn't sound like her Troy at all; the boy who snowboarded until his cheeks were numb or played basketball until sweat rolled off him. The Troy she knew should be fighting and if he wouldn't fight his disease for more time, she would fight with him until he did.
"Can I have a plate, please?" she requested politely, her voice tight and her muscles rigid. Something like victory flashed in Lucille's eyes as she slid eggs, bacon and toast onto a plate and handed it and necessary cutlery to Gabriella.
Without a word, Gabriella marched from the silent kitchen and took the stairs with even steps. She couldn't hear anyone speaking below her as she took the few steps down the hall and knocked on the familiar bedroom door. She could hear the dull sound of a droning television from the other side, but Troy didn't call out to her or make any sound that she could hear. Forgoing another attempt, Gabriella used her free hand to grasp the doorknob and push the door, letting it swing open. The bedroom was dark, the curtains drawn and the desk lamp off. The TV was on but it had been muted at the sound of the door opening. The scent of aftershave that she had grown used to was vacant from the air as Gabriella stepped further into the room.
The room hadn't surprised her, but the figure on the bed did. Troy was wearing pyjama pants and a t-shirt, both of which had obviously been bought for a body bigger than the one wearing them now. His hair was same although it was in desperate need of a cut or a brush, whichever he would agree to. The weight loss was bordering on shocking, but his face pushed Gabriella's mask to its breaking point. His face was pale against the dark headboard and pillow cases that he was propped up against at the head of the bed. His eyes were underline by dark circles which shouldn't have been present given the amount of time he slept lately. His eyes were dull until they settled on the figure in the doorway. Gabriella saw the flicker of confusion as he sluggishly processed her presence.
"But why-," he began, struggling with jerky movements to sit up. A pillow slipped from its place and fell to the floor.
"You're mother says you're not eating enough." Walking until she reached the bed, Gabriella placed the plate on the flat spot beside him and took a seat on the edge of the bed. Holding out a fork, she waited for him to hesitantly take it but not make a move to pick up the plate. "Eat," she demanded, "And then we'll discuss how impolite it is to ignore phonecalls from people who care."
It was a simple answer that spoke to deeper volumes than his bitter actions. She had come because she needed to; because he had needed her to. Pulling the plate closer to him, Troy picked up a piece of toast and cautiously brought it to his mouth. While Gabriella watched, he ate, and neither of them said a word.
