The Long Way Home

oOo

.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, etc etc

The night was long and sleepless and she wished she could have stayed and hidden herself, to watch Kakashi eat her food (though considering Kakashi's paranoia, he would probably have Pakkun sniff it out and test it before actually trying it), but that was amateur, she wouldn't lower herself to that. Nonetheless, the night drags on and Sakura wonders if Sakura and Rin is already dead, if she's already made her choice by not choosing either one, by waiting it out. And thinking about it, it probably wouldn't be worth the secrecy and the suspicion she'd have to endure with her secret, with her ability. Perhaps it was for the best that she created a new life.

But it still wasn't fair.

Finally, at eight in the morning, Sakura pushes herself out of bed, barely able to get more than two hours of consistent sleep and decides to go for a walk, clear her mind, or just something. She just needed to do something, to get somewhere, to feel some movement. And so with a scribbled note to Asuma, Sakura finds herself outside, walking around to somewhere, nowhere.

It's an empty morning.

And before she knows it, Sakura is thinking about how it all happened that first time (oh, how she would never forget it). It was Sasuke that first time, when she had woken up to find him gone and only whispers of "thank you" echoing in her ears, pushing her to go and keep trying, trying to catch up with him, feeling as if she could almost make it happen, she could almost make him change his mind, she was so close before and she wasn't going to give up, when she met his five guardians. And how she tried to fight them, but she couldn't even get past the first one, how she was almost dead, how the blood was flowing...

And then she was running. (She had blacked out and had woken up in an unfamiliar hospital later. "Well, it almost sounds like you just ran through time, I suppose," The Sandaime had said, as if it was normal. "You must have some phenomenal chakra control, am I right?")

But that was all it was, running after Sasuke the first time, running away from Kakashi the second, and now, running away from herself, now she just wanted to, needed to run run run away (and she closes her eyes, praying that she can just run back, run back to where she belongs, wherever that is now.)

And then she stops. And then she opens her eyes.

(It's the bridge. Team 13's bridge.)

And then she hears crying. Soft, sniffles, barely audible, but it's there. Yet where was the source? Looking around, Sakura scans the surroundings until she finds it—a familiar blond head, a familiar face—And then she almost calls out to it, the bare beginnings of a name forming on her lips: "Yon--!" But then she stops. It's not the Yondaime, no, her teacher was dead.

It's Naruto.

"Sakura... why did you go after him...? I could have... I could have brought him back. Didn't you trust me?"

And the whisper hits her like cold water, the dejection colouring its tones like a knife to her skin—could she answer? Could she tell him, reply that it was because she was young and stupid, because she wanted to save Sasuke, but not only Sasuke, she wanted to save Team 7, she wanted to be useful just once, she never wanted to turn her back on her friends. But the words won't come to a stranger, not to Shimano Mao.

(But she still has the brief fantasy, maybe, just this time, take off the henge, come back as Sakura just once and tell Naruto to shut up and move on, it had nothing to do with him, maybe she could make it as if it was all a dream--)

She forces herself to walk away before anything can happen.

oOo

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"I'm Shimano Mao," Sakura says when she gets back, Asuma at the table eating breakfast. (She can feel Ino's chakra, she can feel the grief that was just here--she ignores it.) He gives her a long look, understanding the vague statement.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," She affirms. "You can't bring back the dead. That's just not fair."

"Are they really dead? Sakura, Rin, are they really dead? Or are you choosing to kill them?"

Sakura can feel some feeling knot in her stomach, though she's not sure what. She wants to untangle the massive ball of confusion and grief, but she knows it's right. The dead are dead, she can't come back--she'll only be a stranger. Yes. Yes she is, yes she is choosing to kill them, she's the only one who remembers, her and Asuma, and it's her choice, yes, she's killing them because it's the right thing to do, because she can't bring back the Sakura people want, she can't be the Rin that people wish had existed.

Everyone will move on soon enough. As will she.

"It's what I have to do," She finally responds.

(Shimano Mao, Shimano Mao, Shimano Mao, she repeats the name over and over in her head. It doesn't sound right.)

oOo

.

"Hi, I'm the new volunteer," Sakura says cheerfully to the receptionist.

("But you won't be able to use your abilities to help people," Asuma had commented when he heard the news.)

("It doesn't matter. I want to help people--I have to," She had said. This was her moving on.)

The woman barely looked up and pointed. Sakura looked up and followed the finger--it was pointing at a woman. A familiar woman. Shizune. With a murmured 'thanks', Sakura takes a moment to steel herself up and goes up to Shizune.

"Hi, I'm the new volunteer," She repeats. "Can I get my assignment from you?"

Shizune looks up from the chart she's reading and looks over Sakura, eyes taking a moment to register the person in front of them. Then, a spark of recognition lights up and she holds out a hand.

"Oh, yeah. You're Asuma's cousin, right? I heard about you. And I think your application said you worked with your village doctor, am I right?"

"Yes, though I don't have that much skills."

Shizune waves off her modesty with a smile. "Oh no, you're more than perfect. Yeah, what was your name again? Mao-chan, right? I'm Shizune by the way. Here, actually if you could just (she hands Sakura a list of names) change the bandages on these people, that would be great. You know how to do that, right? Okay good, alright, I'll see you later then?"

As the busy woman leaves, Sakura takes the time to look at the first room number and starts to walk towards it, suddenly grateful for the familiar feeling of the bustling hospital. She was ignored, she was unnoticed, she was necessary. In her mind, this place was a perfectly imperfect machine.

This was a good start. Definitely.

oOo

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"So, we meet again! What was your name again?"

And of course, she had to meet Mitarashi Anko on her first day, out of all days. Still, Sakura would have to make peace with all of her old faces one day. She needed to start cementing her new identity now and who better to start with than Mitarashi Anko.

"Shimano Mao. Please don't move so much."

"Huh, so the dango waitress is also a part-time volunteer? Very nice, very nice, I like that, you're an altruist."

The glint in Anko's eye is starting to make Sakura suspicious and she can recognize some mad scheme forming behind them and what makes it worse is that she has no idea what it might be or she can stop it. And who knows how manipulative the little prankster had grown in a course of ten years. She had to be cautious. Very cautious. She decides to stay silent as she works to change the multitude of bandages on Anko's arms (of course Anko would get herself into an accident. And of course, burn scars.)

Anko takes her silence in stridge.

"And you know, ever since I learned who you are, I've been trying to get Sarutobi to bring you out, introduce you to the rest of crowd, yet he always has some excuse or another, saying you're busy. I see what he means now, but now there's no excuse! You can work around your volunteer schedule, right? Why don't you, just come out, have a few drinks with your cousin's friends, come meet some new people!"

"Mitarashi-san, I couldn't--"

"Call me Anko, I'm not that old."

"Yes, well, Anko-san, I'd rather have more time to adjust to the place before I meet new people."

"Nonsense, now's a perfect time! It'll be a nice welcoming party--"

"And anyway, I have more patients to tend to, but thank you. I'll see you later?"

And before Anko can push any further, Sakura quickly leaves and turns into a busy hallway, ignoring Anko's calls, who had eerily reminded her of the old neighbor ladies who used to attempt to set her up with their nice young sons and grandsons. But surely that wasn't what Anko was planning--no, it was better not to think of it. Just concentrate on getting through the rest of day. Yes, she'll deal with Anko later.

oOo

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"Maoo-chan!"

And yet somehow, by the end of her shift, Anko has found her anyway.

"Anko-san... Hi."

"Shizune told me where to find you. But hey, look you're free now, aren't you? You don't have any plans?"

"Well, I was planning--"

"No excuses! You have to get out sometime and meet these people, they're your cousins best friends! And better to do it sooner than later, am I right?"

And oddly enough, Anko has a point--Sakura does have to meet these people. She's Shimano Mao, she will eventually meet these people and might as well do it sooner, better to get assimilated sooner, right?

"... Alright."

And before she knows it, Sakura is being dragged somewhere, nearly jogging as she tries to catch up with Anko's long strides (damn, the girl grew up to be taller than her in the end).

"Oh, and how old are you?"

"... Twenty."

Anko smiles widely, the grin almost feral.

"Perfect."

oOo

.

"And this is Gemna."

A wave.

"Kurenai."

A nod.

"You know your cousin. Aaand look, Kakashi's here! Oh oh, here, sit here, there's an empty seat riiight here."

And Sakura suddenly realizes with a dreadful feeling exactly what's going--Anko was setting her up with Kakashi. And with the lazy, almost calculating look he gives Anko as he walks over to her side, he seems to know it too. Turning to her, he gives her an acknowledging nod.

"Hi."

Sakura gives a small smile in response.

(Her mind is turning over the possibilities. Maybe it wasn't so bad, the set-up. Here was her chance, here could be the start of a new friendship with Kakashi--no, she would never ever have what she had with him as Sakura or what she as Rin but this could be something different, something new. This could be the place where she gets to learn about this new Kakashi, this older one she never really understood as a thirteen year old, maybe? Possibly? Hopefully.)

"Thank you for the dinner, by the way," Kakashi remarks lightly as the conversations divide up between the couples, Asuma talking with Kurenai while a determined Anko monopolizes Gemna, giving Sakura a catty wink when she catches her glances. "It was enjoyable."

"I'm glad. Because, for my cooking... well, that's how I remember him, because he'd always try to come for dinner, so I would always try my best to make something good." But more than her father, Sakura is thinking about the apartment she shared with Kakashi, how they'd always try to share dinner after missions. "Do you have a way of remembering? All those people?"

But she knows, she remembers how he had adopted Obito's habits (and maybe he had adopted some of her habits after she had gone?), she knows how he visits them nearly every day. So when she sees him just shrug, she doesn't press.

"I'm not worried about forgetting," Kakashi mutters quietly and takes a sip from his drink.

Sakura chuckles.

"I wish I had your memory then. Haven't you had those moments where you suddenly find an old diary and when you look over, you realize just how you've forgotten?" I'm living that moment right now, every second. "Or maybe that's just me, maybe I'm too scared to lose anything. Probably not very healthy, I suppose."

"... No, I'd say you're very strong, Shimano-san."

At this moment, Sakura wishes the man hadn't grown so much, wishes that she could look at him and recognize more than the fake smile, wishes she could still understand the nuance and layers of depth that were hiding his emotions--she wanted to pry him open. But she didn't have the tools to do that, not anymore. All she had was this small, budding foundation that she had to build upon, all over again.

"I think I'd say the same of you, Hatake-san."

But it was a start. (So why does she feel like she's missing something?)

oOo

.

Her diary.

Her stupid stupid stupid diary.

Her. Stupid. Diary.

"Asuma. Asuma!" Sakura repeats urgently as she shakes the ninja from his sleep. "Asuma, wake up, this is really important!"

The man rubs his eyes, barely awake and mumbles, "What is it?"

"My diary! Do you have my diary?"

"Di... aaahhrrry?" He yawns out. "What diary?"

"The one that I kept in the apartment!!"

"What? No, I let Kakashi keep it... He can't open it anyway, right? Why?"

"Asuma, I wrote down everything in that diary. Everything. And sealed it so that would open once it got back to the day I disappeared from this timeline, just in case Otou-san and I died and no one got to know the truth."

Suddenly, the weight of the matter suddenly settling in, Asuma sits straight up, awake.

"You mean, someone could find out the truth?"

"Yes." Sakura pauses and takes a breath, trying to calm herself down. "Yes, but not if I get to it first. And hopefully, no one has tried to open it yet, you said Kakashi has it?"

"Yeah, I let him keep all the stuff from your place"

"Where is he?"

"The same apartment."

Sakura stops.

"You mean... he hasn't moved from the place in ten years--you know what--not important."

"Do you need me to come?"

"No, I'm fine. ... Better let me handle this by myself."

oOo

.

And so she creeps around the her old apartment building, wishing she could just say "I'm finally home", wishing she could feel the usual relief that she would after a long mission to come home to her own kitchen, to her own room, to her own space. But she refuses to let her muscles relax, she's on a mission, and who knews how Kakashi had changed in ten years, who knows how much better he might have gotten and she probably won't be able to sneak around him the way she used to.

Masking her chakra to the best of her ability, she goes towards the window and works on undoing the wards and seals she know and figures he would place, the paranoid man. Looking through the shades, by some stroke of luck, it looks like he's not there and when she sends out a feeler strand of chakra, she doesn't feel anything--no, it's just Pakkun. That definitely meant Kakashi wasn't home; and she knew how to put Pakkun to sleep, so she wouldn't have to rush.

So softly, she enters through the window and looks around, amazed at how nothing has changed. Literally, absolutely nothing. Same arrangement, same furniture, even the same ordering of the books, with a few new additions on the side. She walks through and enters the empty hallway, finding herself in front of the empty room. She can't help but wonder why Kakashi still kept the same apartment, even when he didn't need the extra room, why he wouldn't bother paying that extra rent--"I'm not worried about forgetting", his ever-so-nonchalant voice echoes in her head.

And then she enters.

And she's back.

(She wants to cry, I'm home I'm home I'm Home, she wishes she could say and she thinks she lets out a whisper perhaps, or maybe just a prayer, just some nondescript plea for some kind of resolution, some sort of grace that will come to her in the future, that she will feel this feeling again, please please let it come, let it come back)

And she lets the henge go.

Long black hair shortens into short auburn curls, square-face becomes soft and oblong, dark eyes lighten into hazel and when she stares into the mirror, she sees herself, Rin, the girl that she had grown to be, the woman that she had learned to become. And yet, at the same time, there's something wrong with the vision, it's almost as if she's seeing a ghost, there's something that's not real about this mirage she's seeing.

(Harsh tears are glinting in the mirror reflection's eyes, she notices.)

And then a swift kunai flashes past her.

She immediately creates a shadow clone and dodges as another comes after her--the diary! She needed that diary--rolling into the shadows. From the doorway, she sees her enemy, dark eyes and shape obscured even further by shadow--no, she knows this enemy, person, man--Kakashi.

Kakashi had gotten home apparently.

But she doesn't have time to think (she still needed that diary, okay, plan, gut, you know how he fights) and she is on the offensive, throwing her own set of kunai that she had luckily decided to bring and as she moves, she quickly passes the corner where she knows her diary would be (trust Kakashi, he hadn't changed, he hadn't moved a thing, let the book be in the same place) and reaches out to grab the volume, stuffing it into her pocket and is about to make the signs for the teleportation jutsu that would take her out--

--and there's a kunai at her throat.

She stills.

(They're in front of the mirror, and it's that same mirror image, that same Rin, that same Kakashi, but something was wrong, something looked so wrong with the picture--his dark eye, her frozen heart--please don't find the diary)

"Who are you?"

His whisper is like a knife. She stays silent, not trusting her voice. He would not hesitate to kill her (Kakashi hadn't changed, he hadn't changed) and imagine how funny it would be, to end all so fast. All so quick. All so easily.

"Who sent you? What are you after?"

The same whisper, the same knife, a bigger wound with every wound, cold, unforgiving (every passing second added salt, every passing silent moment dripped alcohol, Kakashi hadn't changed, Kakashi hadn't changed.) There's a sharp pinch of pain and Sakura can feel the warm, trickle of blood down her throat as Kakashi presses the kunai in closer.

(Kakashi hadn't changed.)

"Even if you were right, about that mission, about how stupid I was to take it... Why?" And here, she allows one lone tear to slip out, and only that one. "Why did you have to say that?"

And then she feels it--for one brief moment, the pressure is lifted as he hesitates (because she wasn't crying for herself, she was crying for all the pain that she would have to cause him, she was crying for the guilt that she knew he must be feeling this moment)--and takes that miniscule moment, twisting around in his hold and elbowing him down. And with that brief advantage, before he can recover, she's out the window--she's gone. She's running. And even with Pakkun and his pack chasing her (oh, she knows how to throw them off), even with Kakashi's livid chakra signature following behind her, the advantage she has is enough and soon enough, she's lost them. Soong enough, she's back at her house, safe and unknown, uninteresting Shimano Mao.

"He saw me," She tells the waiting Asuma. "But I got away before he could get anything. Nothing to worry about."

"And you have it?"

"Yeah."

(No, she won't tell him about the mirror image or the blood or the pain pain pain...)

"... Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight."

And it's only when she's back in the confines of her room does she let the flood through, tears overwhelming and drowning everything out. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, she wants to say, for so many things, I'm sorry for bringing back the dead, I'm sorry for not telling you, I'm sorry I'm sorry, but no one can know, you wouldn't believe me, too much has changed, it's too dangerous, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm weak, but of course, she's only going to cry for the night, tomorrow morning it'll be over and everything will be better, same, level.

And in afterthought, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out the book, afraid, apprehensive, anxious--and it's her diary. Her dear old stupid stupid diary.

(Kakashi never changed.)

oOo

.

"So what are you saying? You think Orochimaru is behind this?"

"Yes, it would make sense. Pakkun told me that person was Rin, or at least had been able to somehow replicate had her exact smell; not only that, but ten years ago when she disappeared, the body was never found."

"And you said the person had stolen Rin's diary, right?"

"Correct; afterwards, I had found the book missing. It is also the only explanation for when she had said something that only Rin would have known during the fight."

"... Very well. This is definitely odd; I'll make sure to get someone working on this, Hatake."

"Thank you, Hokage-san."

oOo

.

AN: Haha, so I was bored today and I figured well, if I didn't want to study for finals, might as well update something. Happy belated new year?