Chapter Six: Breaking Hearts

Stacey

February 20

Despite what everyone says, I know that it was all my fault that Mary Anne got in the way of Teddy's path to me. My gracious friends try to hide me and to protect from him and what kind of thanks do they earn for it? Well, Mary Anne is still in the hospital after having exploratory surgery to rule out any smaller internal bleeds and Logan has been staying at Kristy and Pete's half the time and alone in our farmhouse, locked in his study, the other half.

As for me? I've been so stressed out and nervous that I stayed at the Black's for one night then jetted over to Claudia's for a while. It's only been six days since… the incident and I've already moved on to Abby's house. It's like I can't sit still or stay in any one place for too long. I felt like a nervous rabbit with a wolf just on my heels.

In an attempt to keep my mind off of things, Abby has taken some time off from work so that she can stay with me and watch movies and daytime television all day. We don't really say much to one another and she doesn't sit on the couch with me. It's as though we both realize that I need the company to keep me from going completely insane, but also know that I need space. Just the touch of Abby's hand at dinner last night, as she passed me the potatoes, made me shiver. For a few moments all I could think was "that could be Teddy's hand brushing against me, not Abby's." It's a good thing that Abby is hard to offend, otherwise, I'd probably have to race straight over to Jessi Ramsey's, another friend of mine, in embarrassment, knowing that Abby saw my expression and shiver.

That morning, Abby woke me up by tapping on the door.

"Stacey? Do you want some eggs for breakfast today? I was going to cook some for me."

I rolled over onto my back, opened my eyes, and stared straight up at the ceiling. I didn't want anything to eat. I just wanted to sink down in the mattress and never have to get up again. Seeing as how that wasn't going to happen, I closed my eyes again.

"Thanks, Abby. I'll be there in a few minutes." I listened to her feet retreat back to the kitchen and sighed. I would have to wake up fully and get out of bed now instead of enjoying the last traces of sleep.

Sitting up, I rubbed my face with my hands and swung my feet over the side of the bed. Abby's guest bedroom in her apartment was cramped and tiny, but at least the bed was comfortable. I didn't have to worry about sleeping on a cot in a child's bedroom (like I had to do when I was over with Claudia), so the sleep I did manage to catch was more refreshing.

Getting up, the first thing I did was slip into the bathroom to take a shower before I had to start living again. I turned the hot water up as high as I could stand, feeling greasy and dirty, still, about what had happened to Mary Anne. I suppose I was trying to scald off the parts of me that made me so selfish as to put my best friends in danger. It didn't work, of course, but the sting of the hot water lasted well after the shower and served as kind of a punishment for being so stupid.

Back in the guest room again, I leafed through my closet and the dresser Abby had cleaned out for me. According to the weatherman's report last night, it was supposed to be snowy and blustery today. Even though I would be inside most of the day, I decided to wear as warm an outfit as possible.

I tossed my underwear and bra on before sliding into a pair of loose, dark blue denim jeans with the cuffs rolled up slightly to keep them from dragging through the snow and slush. A plain white long-sleeved t-shirt came on next, followed by a bulky, Irish knit sweater with buttons down the front. I put on the warmest pair of socks I owned before stuffing my feet into my cross-trainers. A glance in the mirror was enough to make me pull my red hair into a high ponytail. Now I was ready.

Abby smiled at me as I walked into the kitchen and I gave her a half-hearted one in return.

"Thanks again for everything, Abby," I told her sincerely and she shook her head.

"How many times do I have to tell you that this is no problem at all?" She went back to supervising the cooking eggs on the stove. "You're my friend, Stacey. Do you think that I would turn you away?"
"I'm not sure anymore," I mumbled. Abby forked some scrambled eggs onto a plate and slid it in front of me. I stared down at my food, refusing to look at her.

"Well, get sure, Stacey," she replied. "You have to trust some people, you know?"

"I trusted Teddy," I told her, eating a small forkful of eggs. "I trusted him and look where that led me."

"I meant your friends."

"Still."

I began to really eat once Abby was seated across from me, alternating between studying me and eating her own breakfast. The moment I was finished, I jumped up and quickly rinsed my plate and fork before setting them in the sink.

"Thanks, Abby," I said quickly and hurried from the room before she could reply. I wasn't feeling up to a discussion this morning, even if Abby seemed to know a lot of the right things to say and do for me.

Upstairs, a quick call to the hospital told me that Mary Anne was in good enough condition to have visitors and was accepting them today. I closed my cell phone and carefully nestled it into the front pocket of my jeans.

As much as I knew that I was going to hate this, I was finally going to go to the hospital and visit Mary Anne now. I had been avoiding her since the incident and now I felt complete shame and guilt for doing so.

A couple of my anti-anxiety pills settled my nerves, even if they did make me sleepy, and I headed out of the house (after letting Abby know where I was headed, just in case) to my car. The bitter winter air cut through my heavy peacoat and all the way to my skin. Shivering, I made it to my car and started the engine.

Here goes nothing, I thought nervously before starting out the driveway and toward the hospital.

SIX

She was sleeping when I came into the room, her bruised and battered face loose and smooth with peaceful sleep. I had a hunch that her current calm was drug induced, but I was still comforted to see her so peaceful. I had imagined her in the hospital since the incident and every single time, she looked tense, worried, and frightened. It was good to see that, for once, my imagination had completely failed me.

I sat down in the chair next to her bed, watching her quietly as I did so. After a few minutes, she sighed and shifted slightly in her hospital bed. I felt myself straighten up as she did. Her eyes squinted open slowly. I smiled warmly.

"Hey, sweetie," I whispered. "It's me, Stacey."

Mary Anne smiled weakly. "Hey." She stretched a little and sighed again. "How long have I been asleep?"

I shrugged. "I just came in. Probably not too long, though."

"Yeah, I haven't been able to sleep very much," she admitted. Her eyes slid shut for a moment before she reopened them fully and struggled into a sitting position. I would've helped her except that she flinched the moment I reached out towards her. Feeling my face heat up with shame, I dropped my hands into my lap and watched her adjust herself in the bed.. "Just you today?"

"Disappointed?"

"No, just curious." She smiled something closer to a real smile this time. "Thanks for coming."

"It's the least I can do," I admitted quietly. "After all, you wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for me."

"Stop blaming yourself," Mary Anne said automatically. She said it with the calmness of someone who had said it many times before this. I shrugged.

"I can't help it."

We both sighed and looked away from one another. To that statement, there wasn't any way for either of us to try and make one another feel better.

"Life's a bitch, isn't?" the small voice in my head asked.

Mary Anne was starting to physically look a little better. Her bruises looked nasty, but the cuts that didn't require stitches were closed up and looking a lot better. Her hair was a mess because they had to shave a bit of it in the back to stitch up the big cut that she had on the back of her head. She wasn't allowed to brush or comb her hair until the stitches came out and even though she joked had about with Abby how convenient it was to be encouraged to look so sloppy, I could knew that it bothered her. No wonder. Yet another thing that Teddy had stolen from her.

Mary Anne was still in the hospital because some of the injuries Teddy had beaten into her were slowly healing or had been severe enough to require emergency surgery. Teddy had cracked three of her ribs, given her a nasty laceration on the back of her head, a concussion, as well as a sprained wrist and all of the damage he had done to her when he raped her so violently.

I looked back over at Mary Anne. "You're going to get better," I assured her. "It's only going to take some time."

Her head snapped around and her eyes narrowed. "You haven't gotten better," she snapped.

My mouth fell open. I couldn't believe that those words had just come out of her mouth. Mary Anne had been with me through the worst of this and now she was here accusing me of being weak and pathetic because I still hadn't gotten over it. I could feel my face heat up with shame and anger.

"Yes, Mary Anne, I have," I said as firmly as I could muster. "You know I have and you know that you will, too."

"I'm not in the mood for a pep talk," she said quietly and looked away from me again.

"Mary Anne, I'm only trying to help," I whispered, my heart sinking.

"Thanks, but I'll be all right on my own."

I stood up quickly and wiped the moisture forming in my eyes away. I didn't want her to see that she had made me almost cry. I began to slide on my pink winter coat when she sighed.

"It's not you, Stace. I just don't want to hear bullshit like that from anyone who hasn't gone through what I just have." I shook my head in disbelief. Did she realize who she was talking to? "I know that you understand better than anyone else, but I'm really just too exhausted with people trying to constantly cheer me up. What do I have to be happy about?"

"Logan."

"He hates me for letting Teddy hurt me like he did."

I shook my head again. "Mary Anne, you're not making any sense. Logan loves you."

"I suppose." We were silent for nearly a minute before she turned to look back at me. "I kind of need to be alone right now, Stacey."

I nodded. "I know." What made that so hard to say was that I understood perfectly her need to be alone and away from the world. While I was closest to her and what she was suffering through, I knew that I counted as part of the world that she needed to shut out. I gathered my things quickly.

"Call my cell if you need me?" Mary Anne nodded slowly. "I'll make sure to get here as fast as possible."

"Thanks, Stacey."

I left the room feeling a lot worse than when I had come in.

SIX

"Logan?"

He looked up at me and gave me a weak smile. "Back so soon?"

I sank down on the new couch beside him (Logan had the old one removed to the police station to collect specimens and purchased a new one just as soon as he could after the attack) and nodded. "I just don't know what to do anymore, Logan. I want to help her, I really do, but I just don't know how." I took a shuddering breath, trying to control my tears. "I wish there was some magic wand to wave over her and make her all better again."

"You read too much Harry Potter," Logan said softly. I turned to stare at him and he smiled. "Then again, the wand idea does sound like a good one."

"Maybe they sell them in Stamford?"

Logan laughed. "How could I forget? The magic wand store at the mall."

I couldn't help but smile. Logan somehow always knew how to make us smile. He has been doting on Mary Anne this whole time, spending long periods of time at the hospital when he could manage to go. I couldn't understand how his gentle touches and promises that he would never let Teddy hurt any of us again didn't help. They certainly made me feel a little better.

"Logan?" He smiled. "How are you doing? Really. How are you?"

The smile on his face seemed to melt away. He shrugged.

"All right, I guess."

I felt my heart sink. "All right?"

"I don't want to talk about me," he said firmly. "I don't."

"I want to help you," I whispered, feeling like an idiot for asking. I should've just left things alone, but I was always pushing and prying. "I mean, if you want help, I'm here."

"I'm fine, Stacey," he said and looked away from me. "Don't worry about me and don't worry about Teddy, all right? I'll do the worrying for all of us."

Suddenly, his words caught up with me. He was going to do all of the worrying? How could he do that? How could he even think that he could handle his new burdens on top of ours? I could barely stand to handle my own fears and worries.

Tears began to slip down my face. I could feel myself heating up with embarrassment, but I ignored that and raised my hands to cover my face. I felt Logan's hand on my shoulder.

"Stacey?" he asked gently. "Please don't cry, honey. Please."
"But, he hurt Mary Anne," I wept miserably. "He hurt my best friend. He might have killed her, too."

"He didn't, though."

I lowered my hands. "But he could have!"

Logan immediately pulled me close to him as harsh sobs issued from somewhere deep inside of me. "Stacey, shh."

"Why?" was all I could sob and I did. Over and over again as Logan held me so close and rocked me gently. "Why, Logan? Why me? Why us?"

Logan pulled me into his lap, holding me like he would hold a small child. I rested my head against his strong chest and sobbed. His hand was stroking my head and I gradually found my sobs lessening. After what seemed like hours, I was tired and worn out, limp against Logan. He continued to rock and stroke me.

"You're going to be all right," he finally whispered. "This will end up all right, I promise."

I looked up so that I could look into and read his expressive eyes. All I could see was honesty and dedication and knew that I was somehow beyond lucky to have Logan. He smiled gently.

Without thinking, I straightened up and pressed my mouth to his. Logan remained stiff and still for a moment before he returned the kiss. I could feel myself melting against him and raised my arms to wrap them around his shoulders. I didn't want to fall away from him. I couldn't fall away from him.

Logan slipped his arms around my waist, his fingers trailing down my sides. I let him turn me and push me down against the couch. He was resting above him, his mouth leaving my lips to begin to trail down my neck. When he reached my shirt, he fumbled with the hem and began to pull it up. We arched almost in unison as he slid my shirt up over my head and threw it away from us.

We made quick work of removing our clothing and rested together, Logan brushing kisses over my face, wiping away the tears that I had begun to shed again. His fingers were gentle as he cradled my head and I closed my eyes, misery washing over me once more.

"You don't have to cry anymore," he whispered into my ear. "I'm here, Stacey, and I won't ever leave you. I won't ever let anything hurt you again."

I nodded slowly, still unable to stop crying. Logan just brushed them away with gentle fingers. I returned the kiss that was pressing against my mouth and opened my lips wide enough to allow him to enter my mouth.

Minutes later, I allowed him to enter another part of me. Like I had expected, it hurt to feel him push inside, but Logan's kisses over my face soothed the discomfort. He brushed feathery kisses over my closed eyelids as he pulled out a little and pushed back inside. I whimpered softly and held onto him more closely.

The feeling of being filled was more than I could stand. I knew that it wasn't encouraging to Logan that I couldn't stop the constant rain of tears rushing down my cheeks. As he set a slow, deep rhythm, I took over kissing and brushing my lips over every inch of his body that I could in this position.

His skin was hot against my lips and I could feel him straining against me as he pushed in faster and faster. I leaned up so that my lips were against his ear.

"I love you," I whispered softly, through my tears. "I love you so much, Logan."

He reached his climax moments later and slumped down above me. His weight wasn't as heavy as I anticipated until I realized that he was still supporting himself so that he wouldn't press me down into the couch. I ran my fingers through his hair.

"I love you," I whispered. It took me a few moments to realize that he was weeping as well. I pressed my lips to his cheek. "What's wrong?"

"What about Mary Anne?" he whispered.

I closed my eyes tightly. Mary Anne.

"She'll understand," I whispered back, opening my eyes to search his. "Logan, please don't cry. You're making me cry even harder."

Logan shifted his weight and sat up. I did the same, pressing my side against his. I took his hand in mine and felt a tear splash down against my skin. I knew that I had nothing to say to make him feel better. I knew I didn't and, yet, I wanted nothing more than to sooth his hurt and make him feel better. After all, nothing we had done was done to hurt Mary Anne.

I couldn't put into words what we had done, but I knew that it was right. Somehow, even though logic was screaming no at me, I knew that we had done what was right.

"Logan, please don't cry," I pleaded. "I love you."

He squeezed my hand. "I love you, too. But what about Mary Anne?"

"Yes," the voice in my brain snapped. "What about poor Mary Anne?" I sighed.

What had we done?

SIX

Alone in my bedroom, I sank down on the edge of my bed. While I was practically basking in the feeling of love that was in my heart, I also felt wave after wave of guilt and shame wash over me. It was like my emotions were battling each other inside of my body and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop them.

I stood up and walked slowly, as though I was in a dream. I pulled open the top drawer of my dresser and pulled out the little orange pharmacy bottle. I retreated back to the bed without closing the drawer behind me.

Sliding the top off of the bottle, I spilled the pills inside the bottle onto my comforter. I picked up one pill and slipped into my mouth, swallowing it dry. I reached out to start scooping the rest of the pills into the bottle and hesitated. I plucked another pill up and let it follow the first.

After I had swallowed four of the tiny white pills, I swept the rest of them into the pill bottle. I set the bottle on my nightstand then slid under my covers and closed my eyes.

There were no more tears left to cry today, so I waited peacefully until the pills slid me deep under into a sleep that would last throughout the next day.