Chapter Eight: Reacting
Mary Anne
March 3
"Mary Anne?" a hazy voice asked. I shook my head a little; I felt very far away from whoever was trying to get my attention.
"Mary Anne? Are you all right? Mary Anne!"
I opened my eyes slowly. The TV was blaring in front of me, both cats meowing their distress about the loud noise. If I look directly ahead of me, Stacey was squatted down in front of me, her beautiful blue eyes filled with worry and concern. I swallowed roughly; my throat was so dry from the new barrage of drugs I have been given in order to make my trauma's aftermath not quite so bad. Stacey noticed.
"Would you like me to get you anything before I have to leave for work?" she asked.
"Don't take too long. I'm already running on being late," Logan warned Stacey. She rolled her eyes at me. I forced myself to give her a tiny smile.
"No," I responded. "I'm OK."
Stacey and Logan exchanged worried looks, which I didn't comment on, before Logan nodded. "I'll set up the couch in the living room with sheets and things, M-A. And I'll bring down a stack of DVDs, too." He ruffled the dirty blonde hair on his head with his fingers, leaving several locks of hair standing out in protest. "And, I'll bring down your IPod and some clothes that need to be fixed so that you'll have projects to do while we're gone."
As he left the room, Stacey kissed my forehead and stood up. She smiled warmly when I finally met her eyes.
"And, while he's busy doing that, I'll bring up frozen food, especially Cherry Garcia ice cream to tide you over while we're gone today."
"Thanks."
I sat placidly on the doughnut pillow that supported me after the physical tearing and bruising that Teddy had caused. I wish the doughnut was being used after having a baby, instead of for this wicked cause.
Soon enough, they left; Stacey off to baby-sit Kristy's twins, Maggie and Nora, as well as watching Kristy's new, serious boyfriend's son, Robbie. She was dating Pete Black now and it was definitely heading towards an engagement soon. They really were in love, which I thought was great for Kristy. She deserved to be happy after all that she had been through. Besides, Kristy's kids are a breeze to look after, even though it seems like they never stop moving.
I reached over to the remote for the television and turned off the loud TV. The cats scampered out of the room. I watched them go as though I was watching everything go by through a pair of warped glasses. I wasn't doing anything myself; the girl on the other side of my hazy goggles was. She moved just as slow as I did, too.
From my seat on the gray and white loveseat, I looked over at the couch that Stacey and Logan had fixed up for me. The old couch, the one that Teddy raped me on, had been sent straight to the junkyard and Logan had purchased a soft yellow, plushy couch that suited Stacey and I more than him. Logan has always been a good, kind-hearted man. Even though I don't feel so very lucky right now, I know that I am lucky to have him and lucky that he loves me like he does.
I got to my feet and headed over to the couch and picked up a pair of dark blue uniform pants for Logan. He had ripped one of the pockets almost all the way off and there was a hole down one seam of the leg. I shook my head. Logan ripped and tore more clothes than anyone else I had ever met. I rummaged through my pink sewing box that had the French cats and words on it and came up with the huge spool of dark blue thread. I threaded the needle and got to work fixing his back pocket. Once that was done, I started on his seam, but suddenly lost my steam. I set the pants down carefully and sighed.
I picked up one of the many books Stacey had left me. She had pulled them straight off my "haven't read" bookcase, so she knew that something in the pile would interest me. I selected a book entitled Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. I got about 15 pages or so in before slipping a bookmark into place. I really could not focus enough to read. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration before getting up and going into the kitchen to wash the dishes and clean.
That, too, only lasted a little while before I wanted to toss the dishes away from me in disgust. It was not that they were disgusting, it was that I felt disgust from not being able to focus on anything that I was trying to do.
Angry and frustrated, I stomped back into the living room and stared once more at our couch. I debated with myself over putting in a DVD then decided against it because it, too, would probably not hold my attention and I would become even more upset than I already was.
EIGHT
I was falling down a long, dark hole when suddenly, hands dressed in white gloves surrounded me and held on so that I wouldn't keep falling. I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around.
"Where am I?"
"Where do you want to be?" several male voices asked all at once.
"Home."
"We can arrange that."
Then I was falling again, but the walls were shrinking in closer to my body. I was going to be crushed, I knew. I began to scream and sob at the same time, reaching out with my hands to grab onto something to catch myself. I could feel my fingernails chipping and snapping and started to call desperately for my father. He could save me. He always had when I was just a little girl. I was still his little girl, I noticed, watching for a moment as one of my long pigtails flapped against my face. It had a pink ribbon tied to the end. Just like when I was small.
Something warm pressed against my forehead, something like a kiss. I began to scream even louder and started fighting away whatever it was that had tried to take advantage of me.
"Mary Anne!" It was Logan's voice. How sick that this tunnel would have Logan's voice call to me. My sobs were stating to hurt my chest. "Wake up, Mary Anne!"
Wake up…
I screamed.
Then I opened my eyes to find Logan pinning my arms down at my sides and sitting close to me, his blue eyes filled with fear and concern. I felt hot tears on my face and struggled to pull my hands free. Logan let me go, but continued to watch as I tried to wipe away my tears. I tried a smile out for him and Logan winced.
Oh, God. Teddy.
It flashed through my head so fast that I couldn't have stopped it if I tried. My face crumpled and a sudden loud sob bubbled up from inside of me. Logan immediately pulled me up into a sitting position and hugged me close to his chest. I was shaking so hard, I could've sworn I made him shake along with me. Gentle fingers combed through my long, dark hair.
"That's my girl," Logan whispered in soothing tones. I remained rigid and tense with fear and apprehension until the nightmare dissipated. Only once the memories began to retreat back further into my mind, did I finally look up into his face and maintained my gaze. "That's my girl," he repeated.
"Oh, Logan," I moaned miserably. He hugged me tighter. "When is this going to get out of my head?"
He stared at me for a bit before answering, "It's different for every single survivor, honey, but you've had less than a month. Give it at least six months before asking that question again."
He was simply spouting out what he was trained to say to battered woman. We shared everything and I knew that it had never before occurred to him that, in his wildest, darkest dreams, he'd be saying this to his own girlfriend. I hadn't thought so, too, but that was before. Now that it was after, I felt very much like a battered woman. Could I be a rape victim and a battered woman if he only did it to me once?
I nestled my head against his chest and closed my eyes, tears still slipping past my dark lashes and onto my paler than usual cheeks. His hand came up to my face and cupped my cheek, catching the tears as they fell.
We stayed like that for a long time, me crying and full of unspoken questions and Logan holding tight as though he were afraid I've shattered apart if he let go. Every so often, he dropped a light kiss on my cheek, on my forehead, and even on my lips a couple of times. I am happily amazed that his kisses were comfort to me instead nauseating reminders of what had happened between Teddy and me. I reached up and combed my fingers into Logan's hair.
"I love you," I could barely whisper. Logan cupped my chin gently in his hand and tilted my face so that my eyes met his.
"I adore you," he said with such a warm and comfortable voice that all I could do was go limp against him. "This is going to take a long time, but I'm going to be with you for the long run."
I don't know if he heard my breathy 'thank you,' but he squeezed me slightly before I slipped into a much less troubled sleep than before.
EIGHT
Later that same day, Logan gently woke me up for dinner. Stacey had been home for a couple of hours, reading through the newspaper for any hint or trace of something that sounded like Teddy Thomas. Kristy and Pete had joined us for dinner that night, as well (the kids were with Kristy's parents, Elizabeth and Watson). I felt embarrassed with my sleep mussed hair and the dried tear crust around my eyes, but nobody said a word about either. Instead, once she knew I was awake, Kristy sat down next to me and swung an arm around me.
"Mary Anne, how often have I told you that you were my best friend?" she said. I smiled.
"So many times that I don't even know," I replied. She nodded.
"And, how many times have I told that you mean the world to me and that so long as I'm around, you're not going to be hurt by that loser again?"
I swallowed, feeling tears welling up in my throat. "I think that this is the first time, Kristy."
"Well, it's true," she said softly. "And I want you to know that it's true."
"I do."
She smiled her most winning smile and hugged me with one arm. Signature Kristy hug. It felt good to feel something so old and familiar after so many instances of new and alarming. I hugged her back.
"Come on," she said. "Let's see if dinner is ready yet."
Pete and Logan had shooed us girls from the kitchen tonight, insisting that they would make dinner. Pete was a decent chef because of the picky kid he had at home, but Logan was so unused to cooking that I feared he would accidentally set fire to whatever Pete made. Stacey had laughed about that same idea and Logan had carried her bodily from the kitchen, putting up a 'Do Not Enter' sign (made from a paper napkin and Sharpie marker) on the door.
Kristy tapped on the door before pushing it slightly open. "Hello? Is anyone still alive in here?"
"Alive and now a skilled chef!" Logan retorted loudly. "Stace! Come and get some food!"
Stacey skidded across the floor on her sock feet into the kitchen. "I am starving," she told Pete as she walked past Logan. The two exchanged a glance that felt strange to me, but I let it pass as Kristy took my arm and pulled me into the dining room for dinner.
Halfway through dinner, Logan glanced at me and cleared his throat. "So, I have some news about Thomas, if you all are OK with hearing it."
"What?" Stacey said immediately, looking suddenly pale and nervous. Kristy clasped her hand over Stacey's before looking hesitantly at me.
"Well, Kristy you know about Margo Pike, right?"
Kristy nodded. She had stayed in contact with many of our former clients and now some of our clients babysat for Kristy's children. She was usually on top of Stoneybrook gossip.
"What happened to Margo Pike?" I asked quietly.
"She was raped," Kristy said softly. I swallowed roughly and Stacey pushed her chair back from the table.
"God, this is all my fault," she said in breathy voice. "What am I doing to everyone?"
She shook her hand free of Kristy, stood up, and fled the room. I looked quietly where she had run before hanging my head. Kristy stood up.
"I'll go," she said when Logan began to stand. "Take care of Mary Anne."
I shook my head when Logan's arm came to wrap around me then slumped against him.
"Oh, God. Logan, when is this going to end?" I whispered. I could feel his fast, but steady heartbeat on my back and closed my eyes to connect with him better. He swept his finger through my hair then kissed the top of my head.
"I don't know, sweetheart," he replied. "But, it'll be soon. Don't worry."
Don't worry? What else could I do but worry.
EIGHT
My knock on the door was tentative, at best. I looked around the front yard as I waited for the door to be answered. It didn't look the same without the toys strewn about, sledding ice ramps and lanes the kids used to make by packing the snow to make a high ramp and using buckets of water to smooth the lane and ramp, but also turn it into a super-fast, death-wish sledding adventure. A smile curled on my lips as I remembered baby-sitting for the Pike kids when they had come up with this invention. Even Mallory wanted to try it out.
"Mary Anne!" Mrs. Pike said suddenly and I jumped from my memories to the present. "Come inside, you must be freezing."
Mrs. Pike practically dragged me indoors and wrapped a hand knitted shawl around me once I took my coat off. I smiled. Mrs. Pike would always be a mother, in the purest sense of the term. I hugged her spontaneously, missing Sharon as I did. I'd probably need to go and spend some time with my father and stepmother. Maybe Dawn would even come over and we'd be an almost complete family, what with Jeff in college in North Carolina.
"So, what brings you here at this time of the night?" Mrs. Pike asked. It was seven thirty.
I looked down at my hands and fingered the interweaved golden ring that Logan had given to me as a kind of pre-engagement ring. I closed my eyes, wetted my lips, and then finally looked back up at her.
"I need to see Margo."
Mrs. Pike blinked. "She won't see anyone yet, dear. Poor Mallory can't even sleep in their old bedroom, Margo is so upset."
"I know she's upset, but Mrs. Pike, I'm upset, too. Teddy Thomas raped Margo and he raped me, too," I told her and was surprised that I didn't collapse into debilitating tears. Mrs. Pike stared at me with wide eyes.
"He… he hurt you, too?" she asked, tears starting to flow down her cheeks. "He's been hurting more girls?"
I nodded. "The police are trying to keep things as quiet as possible so that people don't panic and so that they can easily lure Teddy to a place where they can capture him," I parroted what Logan had told me. "But, Mrs. Pike, I have to talk to Margo. I'm the only one right now who knows what she has been through."
Mrs. Pike nodded slowly. "You're right. You're always right, Mary Anne. Your father taught you well and you've just got a good head on you." She took my hand gently. "Follow me."
We went upstairs to the old room that Vanessa and Mallory used to share. Since most of the kids (excluding Claire and Byron) had moved out and were on their own, the bedrooms had been switched around. That was, of course, including the two additional rooms that the Pikes had built onto the back of the house. Their youngest son, Daniel, had been born when Claire was eight and definitely was a surprise. Luckily, money wasn't a problem at that time and the family tacked on those two rooms to separate the boys into two room instead of one and so that the family could use their old room as a nursery for little Daniel.
Nowadays, Daniel was stayed downstairs in one of the additions and Byron was living right next door in the second addition. Claire had redecorated the room that used to be Mallory and Vanessa's into her own room. Since Margo had come home from her apartment, she was staying in that bedroom, which was suited to her taste better than the guest bedroom. That was where poor Claire was bumped to (she didn't seem to mind, Mrs. Pike assured me as we walked upstairs) and where Mallory was also sleeping since Margo would let nobody in at night.
I could hear music playing from the old boys' bedroom and knew that Claire and Mallory were probably listening to music or watching a TV show. I decided that I would not see them this night unless I bumped into them on my way out. I let Mrs. Pike know and was surprised when she massaged my shoulder and told me to do what I had to do and that she would make sure that we weren't going to be bothered.
After all that, I tapped on Margo's door and waited. After a long minute, she cracked open the door slightly. She eyed me warily before looking to her mother.
"I don't want company," she whined. I felt my sympathy level rise, despite her somewhat irritating whine. I hadn't wanted company, either. In fact, I still felt uneasy when anyone but Logan or Stacey was in the house.
"I'm sorry, Margo," I said quickly. Her shadowed eyes hovered back to my face. "I'm so sorry about what happened to you and I know how you feel."
She slammed her door open. "No, you don't! You don't what it's like for a guy to force his –"
"I do! He raped me, too!" I cried out over her. Margo stared at me for a moment before her face crumbled.
"Why?" she wailed suddenly, wrapping me in a tight hug. "Why?"
I took a couple of steps into the room and pushed the door shut behind me. That's when Margo's legs gave out under her and we both spilled to the ground, nobody hurt. Margo continued to sob hysterically into my sweater and I lay there, stroking her hair, and letting her cry. After a long time, Margo's body stilled and her breathing become more normal. I looked down to see her forest green eyes staring back up at me.
"Have you made any sense out of this?" she asked. I shook my head.
"I don't know if I ever will," I confessed. "What he did…"
"I can't believe it…" she murmured. "It was… it felt like…"
"Like I didn't even own my body."
"Right. Like it was his own to do what he wanted."
"I wanted to die."
"I still do."
I wiped a loose piece of hair from her forehead and nodded. "So do I, sometimes. But we can't."
Margo bent her head and began to cry again. "Why not? It's my body now."
For a terrifying moment, I was apt to agree with her, but something deep inside of me shouted back that this was simply a momentary lapse in good judgment. Staying alive and working through this would be our vengeance. I told that to Margo and she stopped crying.
"You think so?"
"I have this gut feeling that makes me want to tell you that I know so." She smiled faintly. "We have to get through this and there are people who love us who are going to help us get through this."
"Yeah," she murmured.
I sat up, pulling Margo with me. "Listen. I say we get some hot cocoa, pop in a silly movie, and then go to bed. Let's not draw out this evening."
"Where are you sleeping?" Margo wanted to know.
"Probably on the couch."
She held onto my hand as I started to climb to my feet. "Stay in here with me. Claire has a massive bed anyways. Why not share?"
I laughed. "I'm going to go and make that cocoa, kiddo."
EIGHT
I returned home early the next morning. I wasn't planning on going to work, but I did want to see Logan and Stacey off before they left for the day. I parked my car in the driveway, amidst the freshly fallen snow, and trudged up to the house. I could see Logan and Stacey talking in the window beside the door and raised my hand to wave. Before I could call out to them, Stacey was in Logan's arms.
I was shocked into speechlessness as I watched them kiss passionately and hungrily. It was the kind of kiss lovers participated in when they knew they didn't have much time, but were still so hungry for the taste of one another. Logan slipped his hand up the back of Stacey's shirt and I looked away in horror. I waited a few moments before calling out.
"Logan! Stacey! I'm hooooo-me!"
When I opened the door, they were standing apart and even breathing and looking normally, like nothing had happened. I could definitely pretend that nothing had happened. I reached to Stacey first and hugged her.
"Have a good day, Stace," I told her before turning to Logan and wrapped my arms around his narrow waist. "Give me a kiss?"
He leaned down and kissed my lips so chastely that I wanted to start crying right there. He didn't want me anymore- he wanted Stacey!
I watched them both leave before racing upstairs and flinging myself on the bed Logan and I shared. My sobs were rough and felt like they were ripping my chest apart. I clung to the comforter, almost afraid that if I didn't, I'd fall and who knew where I would fall to in this crazy, dark world that I was suddenly now in. Slowly, the world became blurrier and softer. I sighed, closed my eyes, and allowed sleep to suck me in.
