A/N: Don't shoot me! -ducks behind random vampire for cover- Okay, I swear, there is an explanation down there after this too short chapter. Just read and try and calm yourself before we meet again.
Disclaimer: If I freaking owned Twilight and its characters, I would have probably made sure that Mercedes actually did make the Mercedes Guardian. That would have been awesome. But I don't own Twilight, so Mercedes has decided to ignore me and my pleas. Stupid shiny car makers.
CHAPTER 7: RED HANDS
BPOV
I didn't look back at the house as we left and I avoided touching anything. My head ached with all the pictures that were invading my mind, hitting the walls of my memory like sharp, jagged rocks. I couldn't even look at my own hands without seeing them stained with blood, coated so thoroughly that I felt as if I could feel the warmth, smell the rust and salt. The imaginary smell was making me nauseous.
Edward was silent the entire ride home and I knew he was avoided conversation. I must have made him feel awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't get angry at him for it. I was a human, one that he had almost killed just a day ago. I was surprised he hadn't refused to show me my old home. I was appreciative of his extraordinary control. He was putting himself through discomfort and I couldn't have thanked him enough. Instead of trying to awkwardly express my gratitude, I kept my mouth shut. There was no need for me to pretend to be comfortable with him being so close to me. The air around me was chilled with his presence.
At the coven's home, I kept to my room, not leaving and not making a disturbance. I wouldn't disturb them like I had last night. I would remain quiet and independent, as if I didn't exist. Just like I had in Volterra, my existence would mean little to the vampires of this coven. They would be inconvenienced as they attempted to blend in with the humans because I would be joining them, a human to compare to the actors. But they would gain praise from the Volturi for taking the burden off their backs for a year. Either way, it meant very little to them whether I lived or not. Even if they did care, they had to know that they couldn't do anything about it. The Volturi were the law-makers, they were the judge, and they were the executioner. I was their property and whatever happened to me was under their control now.
I ran my fingers along the books that had been shelved on the shelf, all of them having smooth hard-cover spines with antique gold or silver lettering. I preferred them to the leather bound books that the Volturi had provided me with. These seemed more normal than the beautifully crafted ones that seemed to be first edition copies. With these, I could at least feel as if I were just a human, not a girl that would be known as privileged by the vampire world. I plucked a book from the shelf, careful to avoid the sharp, unworn edges. I didn't look at the spine for the title. At the moment, I couldn't have cared less. I just wanted a distraction.
--
Carlisle had entered my room cautiously hours after I had begun reading. The words seemed to float off the page and left me confused but otherwise distracted, just as I wished. I hadn't really understood the plot like I would have wanted. I just stared at the words until they tried to sort themselves in an order that fit in my head. I probably could have recited whatever I had "read" perfectly, but nothing would register in my mind.
"Shannon's Way," Carlisle said aloud, acknowledging his own presence to warn me. I understood his reasoning for being so careful. I had had a panic attack, I could remember that. It had been awhile since that had happened; years, in fact.
"Hmm…oh, yes, I suppose it is," I mumbled, slightly embarrassed that I hadn't even known the title of the book I was reading. My mind was still hazy and tired but I didn't want to sleep right now. Keeping my mind and body tired and busy was all I could do at the moment to insure that I wouldn't spend another night cowering away from the pillows. Being found screaming and crying like a child who had just had a nightmare was not in the top ten ways I wanted to start the morning. With a sigh, I turned to Carlisle.
"Good afternoon, Carlisle. How are you?" He smiled kindly and sat on the floor in front of me, his legs crossed beneath him. It seemed like he wanted me to see something in his action but I was too tired to really care.
"I'm fine, Bella. Actually, I came to tell you about school." I gestured for him to continue. Again, he smiled, "You won't be able to attend for a couple days. It's crucial that the others let out a hint that there will be a new arrival. This town is very…close-knit and –," I cut him off.
"It's okay Carlisle. This town can be very nosy. I haven't been here for awhile, but I remember it well." He chuckled. I could tell he was trying to keep it light. He was probably worried about another breakdown. He may have been a medical doctor, but I'm sure he had never had a human have an anxiety attack in his home. The likeliness of the situation wasn't very high.
Carlisle was watching me with an almost criticizing gaze that I almost immediately resented. It reminded me of the Volturi and the guard, all watching me with those luminescent yet dark crimson eyes, waiting for me to do something amazing. As if I was some sort of circus freak, just waiting until it was my time to perform. They wanted to see what was so special about the little human girl with the floral scent. Nothing, I wanted to scream at them, but I never could. And when they told me they had burned my parents' bodies, how much I had screamed at them, fury mixing with my anguish, how they stared at me with that pitying gaze that told me that though they didn't care, they still wanted to see me crack under the pressure. How they just wanted to see me, the "special' human, fall to her knees…
"Bella, are you alright?" I snapped out of my thoughts, looking quickly to Carlisle. His worried expression was enough to get me back on track, to think about where I was. This wasn't Italy anymore. I was in Forks, the small little hick town that people never seemed to leave. And so with an internal nod, I tried to get things back on topic and away from me.
"I'm fine, just thinking about something. So, I go to school on….Thursday?" It had taken me a moment to realize what day it was. In Volterra, days didn't seem to pass the way they did in the normally world. Things went by too slowly or too fast. Carlisle nodded slowly, the curious glint never leaving his golden eyes.
"Yes, the preparations are being made. And I believe you will find the clothes in the closet satisfactory. Your dress is a bit…conspicuous." I grimaced at the black lace and silk that flowed around me. It was so dark and attention-drawing that I couldn't even understand why the Volturi had practically forced me into it when I had arrived at the lair. It was disturbing and uncomfortable. I didn't like it.
"Bella, are you sure you're alright? We could postpone your attendance until a later date." Surprised, my head shot up to meet his gaze. I started shaking my head side to side.
"No, no, no, I want to go to school." The sooner I could get to school, the sooner I would be with my own kind, the humans. It had been so long. Gianna wasn't even worthy of being called company. For all I knew, she had already started drinking blood and eating raw meat. It was probably her way of showing the vampires that she was dedicated.
Despite my shaky tone, Carlisle hesitantly accepted my short response and stood to leave. Just as he reached the door, he turned back to me.
"Bella, if you ever get a chance to finish that book, I'd like you to know that Dr. Shannon does get a happy ending. It may not be clear at first, but things will end well." And then he left me alone.
--
I remember the years when I couldn't hold a grudge. It was so easy for me to forgive because I just couldn't keep pounding the misdeeds back into my head. It was too hard, too exhausting to keep on reminding myself that what they did shouldn't be forgiven. I had never realized that their mistakes weren't nearly as large as my own. And when your whole life revolves around your blood-soaked skin and endless thoughts of death, you never seem to forget that you are a murderer and everything is your fault. So the only person I could truly hold a grudge against was the one person I truly hated and the one person that vampires seemed adamant on keeping alive: me.
The Volturi were evil and deserved a fate nearly as bad as my own, but I didn't hate them. They were immortals and they honestly believed that they could do whatever they wished. They weren't plebeians of the art of war. Dividing and conquering was their skill and they had taken their skills to the grind, testing it until they were sure that they were invincible. And once they were sure, they ruled all with their confidence and their ability to prove they were the best. They would do anything to keep that status.
I learned many things in my time with the Volturi; many things that no one would ever know. Seven years wandering around a lair left you with a lot of time on your hands. For one, though I admit that this is obvious to nearly anyone, Aro is a collector and his most valuable possessions are those that are unliving and breathing. I just happened to be the exception to this. I was still perfectly alive.
For some reason, he had seen my potential as one of the undead. What had angered me all those years ago was that he wanted me, a normal girl. He couldn't have just killed me along with my parents. I had had to survive because he wished it. But now, what really just made me shake with rage was that he didn't seem to be satisfied with his already large collection. Jane and Alec with their gifts of pain and numbness, Demitri with his mental tracking, Chelsea with her ability to create or break bonds between two beings, Renata with her shielding, Marcus with his ability to read the strength of relationships…
How could he not be satisfied with what he had? Was I just next in line? Maybe Alice as well. She did have a gift that was brilliant and special, not at all similar to any other gift I had ever seen. It was much more brilliant than my own. To see the future, Aro had once mused.
Angrily, I huffed and crossed my arms like a pouting child. What made me so special?! I was normal and average and a murderer. Surely that didn't add up to "special". Maybe psychotic, but definitely not special.
With another all too familiar sigh, I laid my head back on the carpeted floor, my mind battling the tired muscles in my eyelids trying to keep them from falling closed and leaving my mind vulnerable with unconsciousness.
--
A/N: This chapter is short. Too short for my liking, but I needed to get this one out. Though you all may not know this, I actually have a perfectly shitty reason for not updating on time. And my half-baked reason is only valid for me. Apparently, I lost touch with Twilight. Not so much the storyline. I mean, I'm still in love with the story and the characters, but I lost touch with Ms. Meyer's vampires and vampirism. So, in order to get back in touch with it, I reread Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn (twice for Breaking Dawn and New Moon). I was losing what it was like to be a vampire. The pain it is for Edward to be around Bella, how vulnerable he is, all that jazz. Plus, I wanted to grasp Bella's character better. She and her character are so important in this story that I needed to really get into character. But, in order to make up for not updating fast enough, you will notice that you should be getting TWO IMSV updates in your inbox. If you didn't, then your computer must really hate you because I am posting both chapters at once. Hazzah!
So, be a doll and review for me. You can post your hate mail as well, but just so you all know, I really do feel horrible. I'm ashamed. And I'd like to thank everyone who was being so understanding during my last update. Again, I apologize for being a crappy updater. Life happens and just takes over sometimes. I'll try to be better.
