Chapter Thirteen: Depression

Mary Anne

April 4

It'd been over a month and I'd kept my mouth shut. I hadn't said a word when I knew that Stacey and Logan were having sex with one another while he was still with me. Of course, I hadn't slept with Logan in over a month as well. Well, longer than that. I hadn't slept with Logan since before I was raped. I hadn't had any desire to be intimate, even before I knew that he was sleeping with Stacey.

To be frank, I had no idea what to do. I had never been that big on confrontation, even when it's something as important as this. I suppose part of me would have rather just sat and waited for them to finish their affair on their own so that I didn't have to get involved and didn't have to stick my neck out. I'd like to say that I knew that they would never intentionally hurt me, but what does sleeping with one another behind my back and pretending nothing is happening to my face count as?

I sank down on the couch in the front room. I didn't bother to turn on the television. I had no intention of watching it, anyways. Instead, I curled my legs up underneath me, pulled a throw pillow onto my lap, and proceeded to pick at the fringe along the edges of the pillow.

Stacey was out at her mother's this afternoon and Logan was putting in a few hours of overtime. We needed the money for a new home security system that Logan wanted to purchase. It was simply costing Stoneybrook too much money and manpower to provide the police detail that we all felt comfortable with and Logan wanted to buy the biggest and next best thing to replace the police detail once it was gone. Of course, having an actual police officer, Logan, in the house, was something of a comfort, too.

Logan was due home any minute. I swallowed and pulled a strand of fringe off of the pillow. I was going to talk to him when he came home. When he didn't have Stacey to run off to and when she couldn't swoop in and take his side. I just wanted to talk to him, the man that I thought loved me, and find out why he would do something like this to hurt me, after everything that I had already been through.

I heard his key turn in the front door's lock and swept my fingers through my brown hair nervously. I hated having to do this. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just leave it alone and go along with what they were doing. Pretend that nothing was happening and that everything was going all right in our perfect little house.

Maybe…

"Mary Anne," Logan called from the doorway. "Can you give me a hand with these groceries?"

I practically jumped off the couch and rushed over to him. Without saying hello or anything, I scooped up a couple of the bags and hurried off to the kitchen with them. Logan shuffled out of his jacket and followed behind me. I started putting away things as he entered the kitchen and set down the other bags on the kitchen table. I refused to look at him. This wasn't going the way I wanted it to go.

"Mary Anne?" he asked quietly and I stilled. My heart was pounding in my chest. "Is there something wrong?"

"I think I should be the one asking the questions tonight," I replied just as quietly. Logan sat down heavily in one of the kitchen chairs.

"What do you mean?"

I turned around slowly to face him and was saddened to see the answer written all over his face already. He looked almost like he was about to be sick to his stomach and yet managed to look ashamed and guilty at the exact same time. I glanced away from him and bit down on my lip. A little pain brought me back to what I wanted to do.

"Have you been cheating on me, Logan?" I asked, still not looking at him. I heard him groan in pain and felt that same pain course through my body. I gripped the counter for support and shook my head, desperate to stay grounded and not start crying. "Don't lie to me."

"It's not as easy as that."
Tears spilt down my cheeks but I made no effort to brush them away. So much for trying to stay cool and collected. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I demanded, hating the way my voice shook with anger and pain.

Logan let out a watery sigh. "God, we never meant for this to happen," he told me. "It wasn't like we decided to have an affair because it would hurt you. Honest to God, Mary Anne."

"And yet you kept doing it." I finally looked at him. He had his hands over his face and his shoulder suggested that he was in pain. "Over and over again."

"I know," he moaned softly.

"Whose idea was that? Yours or hers?"

He looked up at me. "I told you, it wasn't some big idea. It just happened and we never stopped it from happening once it started."

"Lucky you, having someone to sleep with while your girlfriend is off in Crazyland. Of course, it's not like Stacey will be winning any prizes for being so sane, either."

Logan frowned. "Don't say things like that about her."

"Don't tell me what to say!" I shouted. I was officially off the Mary Anne grid now. I didn't know where I was going. I was lost in the woods, driving without a map, etcetera, etcetera. "You have no idea what you two have done, do you?"

"Calm down, Mary Anne," he said softly. He put up his hands as though to placate me. I slammed my palm down on the counter behind me.

"No!" I shrieked. "I am not going to calm down, Logan. You fucked Stacey! You're supposed to my boyfriend! You're supposed to love me and be faithful to me!" He flinched. "And you weren't. How could you do this to me? To us?"

"It wasn't like we planned this," he replied weakly.

I took a deep breath and strode out of the kitchen. I couldn't handle being near him right now. Maybe later, when I could forgive again, I could look into his face, but right now there was nothing I wanted more than to get away from him.

He grabbed my arm from behind and spun me around. I nearly lost my balance and had to stumble into his arms to stay upright. I pushed away from him angrily.

"Leave me alone!" I moaned. "I can't do this anymore."

"Please, listen to me, M-A," he pleaded. "Just listen to what I need to tell you. You've always listened to me before."

"That's before you cheated on me," I told him. "I don't think I have it in me to listen to you anymore. Besides, how do I know it won't just be another lie?"

"Mary Anne…" Logan broke off, looking hurt and confused. Part of me wanted to reach out and comfort him. The part of me that still foolishly loved him. I looked away.

"If you care about me at all, Logan, then you'll leave me alone right now," I said quietly.

Logan sighed then nodded slowly. "All right."

"Thank you."

I turned around quickly and walked away from him. With each step I wondered if I wasn't making the biggest mistake of my life.


I closed the door to the bathroom behind me. I didn't bother to lock it. I knew that Logan wouldn't come charging in. He would leave me alone and give me the space I needed right now. If I could count on one thing, it was Logan being attuned to my needs and responding accordingly.

I leaned back against the wooden door. Like the rest of the house, the master bathroom was made of wood. Sanded up logs, to be more specific. While the rest of the house had the feel of a log cabin in the woods to it, the master bathroom truly gave anyone that impression. Everything in the bathroom was set in wood. We had found an excellent carpenter to redo the sink and mirror so that it look like they were set in a block of wood logs. Even the toilet had a wooden log shelving unit above and slightly around it. It also naturally smelled of wood shavings and the wood burning stove that we sometimes lit to provide extra heat to the house.

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. I was going to take a long, hot bath to soothe some of the pain and tension from my body. The confrontation with Logan had been hell on my back and neck. They were positively throbbing. I rubbed the back of my neck, opened my eyes, and walked over to the bathtub (we had the kind that sat up on clawed feet and was surrounded on top by a circular shower curtain). I turned it on all the way on hot before going to the second shelving unit in the bathroom to retrieve my bath salts and bubble baths.

I was generous with my bath. I dumped in a few handfuls of juniper scented bath salts before pouring in a large amount of the same scented bubble bath. Immediately the room took on a completely different, comforting smell. Not that I didn't love the smell of our bathroom naturally, as strange as that may seem, but there was something about the smell of hot bubble bath that just made me feel relaxed.

Stripping off my clothing, I pulled a towel off the rack and wrapped myself in it before perching on the toilet seat, waiting for my bath to be filled to my desire. While the water poured in, I let myself zone out and stop thinking for a brief while. I didn't need to think. I needed to rest my mind.

Finally, the tub was full. I dipped my foot in to test the temperature and sighed in contentment. It was perfect. I quickly stepped in and sunk down into the very warm water. The hot water had given way to cold water, making the bath the perfect temperature, just like it always did. It was like our hot water heater knew just how to make the perfect bath and did it every single time.

I leaned back and closed my eyes. Suddenly, thoughts of Stacey and Logan making love entered my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and tried to will the two of them out of my head, but I couldn't. I could hear her gasping as he thrust into her and his hitched little breaths as he found his satisfaction in her. Just like he did with me.

I sat up, my eyes snapping open. Without any further struggle to keep them in, I found myself pouring hot, miserable tears out into my bath. I began to sob and covered my face with my hands.

There was a knock at the door.

"Mary Anne? Are you all right?"

Logan. How dare he? How dare he think he could speak to me after everything he had done to me?

"Leave me alone!" I screamed.

I heard him sigh then heard his footsteps walk away from the bathroom door. I leaned back again and continued to cry hard.

I couldn't stop. It was like a dam had burst inside of me and nothing could stopper it. It felt like I sobbed for hours, but it probably only lasted for a half hour or so.

When I was finished, I felt exhaustion settle over and around me. I sank down into the warm bubbles and wiped my eyes. I didn't have anything left. I had no more fight, no more energy left in me.

My eyes slipped closed and I sank farther down. My nose was just above the warm water. My knees were poking out of the water and were being tickled by the cooler air of the bathroom. I breathed in deeply and then let myself sink under.

Time became wavy. I opened my eyes once to look up through the clear water and the slowly fading bubbles. The salts were dissolving around my body in a slow, breaking way. I breathed in deep, ignoring the burning in my lungs and only thinking of the pain in my heart.

As I began to black out, I felt strong, large arms scoop under my knees and the top of my back. I was literally swimming in and out of consciousness as the big figure pressed his lips onto mine, breathing air into my lungs for me. I didn't protest, I couldn't, as the figure pumped hard on my chest. I simply stared straight up at the log cabin ceiling. I thought of how sad it would be if that was the very last thing that I saw in this world.

Suddenly, I felt myself choking and I was rolled onto my side. Water came spilling out of my mouth and so did the little bit of food that I had consumed that day. I let my eyes slip closed in exhaustion as I was gently laid back onto my back and covered with a towel.

There was talking. My mind was beginning to clear. It was probably Logan calling an ambulance. Had I just almost tried to drown myself? Had he just saved my life? I began to shake uncontrollably and opened my eyes.

"Logan?"

"Mary Anne?" Logan spun around as he closed his cell phone and dropped onto his knees beside me. He lifted me with all the care and gentleness in the world and I felt myself begin to cry once more at his tenderness. "Thank God. Oh, God, thank you." He began to kiss my face. "Thank God."

"Did you just save me?"

He nodded wordlessly and I wrapped my arms around him. I buried my wet face against his sweater. He'd betrayed me, that was certain, but it was suddenly plain as day how much he loved me.

And how much I loved him, too.

"I thought I'd lose you."

"I… Oh, God, Logan… what's happening to us?"


Logan sat on the bed beside me. I knew that he really shouldn't be, but I let him. Half of me was still angry and bitter against him for betraying me with Stacey while the other half of me was in awe of his steadfast love for me. I know it sounds stupid, me thinking that he must still be in love with me simply because he saved my life, but I saw the look in his eyes and it was the look of love that had always been there for me. It was the "Mary Anne" look, as Kristy said. She said it was this special expression that only ever appeared on his face when I was around him.

I settled my head against his chest and sighed.

I was hooked up to an IV that was filling me with warmed saline and an antidepressant. I don't know why they insisted on the IV. Maybe it was punishment for my spontaneous suicide attempt. I could already see bruising spreading out around the site where it was slid underneath my skin.

The doctor walked into the room and Logan hopped off of the bed. I felt jostled and had to steady myself.

"Ms. Spier?" I nodded my head. "Could I speak to you alone?"

I nodded my head once again and Logan moved towards the door. The doctor stopped him right before he left.

"Don't go too far. If Ms. Spier is all right with it, I'd like to talk to both of you once the two of us are done."

"Sure," Logan agreed. He smiled helpfully at me and I returned the smile weakly.

The doctor moved a chair up to the foot of my bed and sat down. He adjusted his white jacket, watched me for a moment, and then set my chart down at the foot of the bed.

"May I call you Mary Anne?" I nodded, starting to feel a bit like a puppet on a string. "Mary Anne, we need to talk about your suicide attempt and what appears to be a profound depression."

I looked down and away from him immediately. This man didn't even know me and here he was, trying to understand what he couldn't possibly.

"Mary Anne, I know that this is a difficult subject to talk about, but it's something that we need to discuss."

"What if I can't?" I asked honestly.

"If I can't assess you then I am going to be forced to admit to our psych wing for observation to make sure that you don't hurt yourself again," he said calmly. I swallowed roughly.

"I don't know what to say," I confessed. "Besides… it's all so complicated."

"I have the time to listen. It's my job," he said with a smile. I smiled in return, feeling a little more at ease.

"All right." I watched him carefully. "You'll have to start me off. I don't know how to start all of this."

"What made you so upset that you decided to attempt suicide today?" he asked with a calm bluntness. I nodded slowly and swallowed a couple of times before answering.

"I didn't plan it. It wasn't like I was planning on drowning myself." I paused. That wasn't what he had asked, was it? I was already screwing up. I looked at him helplessly and he smiled encouragingly. "I had a fight with my boyfriend, to sum it up. It sounds so stupid when I put it like that, but that's what happened."

"About what?"

How much should I tell him? I decided to go all in. After all, what could it possibly hurt?

"He's been cheating on me with my best friend," I said. "Stacey. See, it's a very complicated situation. Stacey lives with us because her ex-boyfriend got out of jail recently and he's an absolute psycho. I mean that, too. He's a serial rapist." I looked away again. I could feel my face start to heat up with shame. "He raped me, in fact. When he came to the house, trying to find Stacey. So, I haven't really been able to be intimate with my boyfriend and for whatever reason, he and Stacey started having sex behind my back. After everything I did to try and protect her from Teddy, she repays me by sleeping with my boyfriend."

I started to cry again and the doctor offered me a box of tissues. I pulled out a few and pressed them to my face. Damn it! I had managed to finally stop crying and this doctor insists on pulling it all right back out of me again.

"What was the rape like for you? What did it do to you?"

"It ruined everything!" I almost shouted. "What do you think it did? I mean, I fought as hard as I could and he still pinned me down and hurt me." I shook my head. "I fought so hard and he beat me like I was some wild animal that needed to be broken or something."

"And you're not," he said softly, gently.

"No," I said, sounding less sure of myself. "I'm not."

"Why do you sound unsure about that?"

I combed my fingers through my hair. "I'm not unsure. I'm sure. I'm just… can we change the topic?"

"All right. Have you noticed your depression becoming worse since the rape?" he asked and, once more, I felt ashamed.

"I was a little depressed before the rape. I tend to get SAD during the winter, but after the rape…" I looked him straight in the eye. "I don't know how many times I've thought about dying or wishing that I could just fade away from this life."

"Fade away?"

"Just kind of fade into the background until I'm not even there anymore," I whispered, rubbing my temples. My head was starting to pound. "Do you know what I mean?"

"Yes, Mary Anne," my doctor said gently. "It sounds like you've been having a very difficult few months."

"To say the least."

"How would you feel about regular therapy?"

I thought for a moment. This wasn't so bad. Besides, people who went through what I've gone through usually did go to therapy, don't they? I nodded slowly.

"I'd be OK with that," I told him.

"Good, because I think that you would benefit greatly from therapy," he said. He riffled through a folder that he had been carrying with him. He handed me a small white card. "Her name is Heidi Freeman. She does individual and group therapy for rape survivors and I think you'd benefit greatly."

"Thanks," I replied, feeling kind of numb and tired. The doctor patted the bed.

"How about I bring your boyfriend back into the room?"

"All right," I agreed.

Logan reentered the room and took a seat on the bed, beside me. I slipped my hand into his and offered him a weak smile. He stroked the loose hair back from my face before looking back towards the doctor.

"All right," the doctor began. "What needs to happen is a serious change in Mary Anne's home environment." Logan glanced at me. "She told me about the rape and the affair and I don't think that living in that kind of environment is going to help Mary Anne to heal."

"It's so complicated, though," Logan said softly, squeezing my hand. "It's not that I want for Mary Anne to be worried or upset at all, it's just… the girl that I've been with… it's very complicated."

The doctor nodded. "Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. You don't have to change everything immediately, but I do suggest that you both start making some changes as soon as you get home. Little things. Do you have any ideas?"

I nodded. "I won't hold everything inside," I offered. "I'll try to be upfront about how I'm feeling."

"That's good, Mary Anne. And, what about you?"

Logan looked at me helplessly. I knew that the relationship that he had formed with Stacey was complex and not something that he could just rip himself out of, no matter how much I wanted him exclusively to myself. I knew I would have to wait for Logan and Stacey to come to a more natural end if Stacey were to remain close with us, which, as angry with her as I was, was what I wanted.

"I will stop sneaking around," Logan promised. "No more hiding things behind your back from now on."

"Thank you," I whispered. I knew it would hurt, but it was something. A step in the right direction. At least, I hoped that it was.

"Good," my doctor said. "Now, I'm going to get your discharge papers in order so that you can get home tonight, Mary Anne. Do you have any more questions for me?" I shook my head. I was too overwhelmed by everything anyways. "All right. Good luck. To both of you."

He left the room and Logan turned to me. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed my forehead.

"Mary Anne, I am so sorry for everything," he whispered. I held onto his wrists gently.

"I know you are. I know, Logan," I replied. "Teddy's destroying us."

"No! No, he's not," Logan said strongly. He tilted my face up so that I was looking into his eyes. His wonderfully warm brown eyes. "He's not going to destroy us, Mary Anne. We're going to make it through this, believe me. I've made horrible mistakes with us, but I'm going to make things better. We're going to get better." He kissed me deeply and I felt my mouth open to accept him. We pulled apart and I blinked my eyes open. "I love you."

I let out a sob. "I love you, too, Logan. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Baby, you didn't," he said. "Let's move past this, please. Let's move on and go to a place where you and I are back to where we once were."

I smiled through my tears. "Do you know how funny that sounds?"

"I don't care. I love you. I'm going to make this right, Mary Anne. I swear to you that I am going to make this right."

I kissed him. "I believe you." I kissed him again then pulled away. "But, Logan, I'm going to need a few days to myself. To sort things out. In my head, you know? This whole thing has been so crazy that I need some time to think and some time to get my head together. Do you think you can give me that?"

He kissed my nose and I smiled. "I can give you whatever you need, Mary Anne. Anything."


Author's Note:

Hello, everyone, and thank you for reading! I just wanted to say a few things to my readers out there, so please, bear with me.

First of all, thank you for the reviews. I really love receiving them. It brightens my day each time I open my email and discover that one of you has decided to post a review to my story. I would like to encourage you all to write more reviews because, honestly, I need your feedback to create a truly winning piece of literature. Without feedback, it's only something that I think is good and not something that the rest of you are pleased to be reading as well and I want to write something that my readers love to read. So, please, review after you read and let me know what you think. :)

And, as always, please note that I always carry a serious tone whenever discussing elements like rape and suicide. I am very passionate about the two and hope to dedicate myself to helping both rape survivors and those contemplating suicide in whatever ways I can. For now, if I can help anyone through my writing, please, take what you can from it. If my writing is in any way theraputic then I am happy to have helped you. I would also like to encourage both groups to get the necessary professional help that you need, if you aren't already. And for those of you who know rape survivors and those with suicidal ideations, please do what you can to help them through this dark hour.

Thank you and, as always, happy reading.

The Lady Elizabeth