Chapter Fifteen: Falling Together

Stacey

April 13

Dear Diary,

It's been an awfully long time since the last time I wrote in here, I know. I apologize. It's been hellishly busy and crazy around here. Everything has been up in the air and spinning, it's been so wild. I'm surprised that I even have enough time to write in here today. I know that Mary Anne wants to talk to me today (!!!!) so I may have even less time than I think I do and might be wasting valuable time scribbling away in my diary. Oh, well. Besides, if I'm going to be writing in my diary, I might as well be writing things of a substantial nature instead of just writing silly little stuff like the past paragraph.

So, Mary Anne and Logan have made up. Logan told me (Mary Anne, I think, is still angry with me) and, anyways, I can see it in their eyes when they look at one another. It's so gooey, I'm afraid to walk between them for fear of getting stuck like a fly on fly paper. Hmmm… maybe that's a bad example. I ought not to compare myself to an annoying insect, given what I've been doing the past few months. The comparison isn't that far off, in my opinion.

Anyways, you know what I mean, diary. They just seem so happy with one another again, though sometimes, when Mary Anne looks away, she seems so sad that it would break my heart. I know that she is still heartbroken that he cheated on her with me (her best friend, of all people), but I hope that the pain will pass because it hurts me, too, to see her look so sad and so heartbroken. I know I helped to cause that pain, so maybe it's selfish of me to want her to get over it so that I don't have to feel bad when I see her looking like that.

Logan and I are still together; I was so scared of being broken apart. I was convinced that Mary Anne was going to tell Logan that the only way that the two of them could be together was if I were out of the picture and he would go ahead and dump me. I was so scared. Turns out, though, that Mary Anne told him that she wanted to work out some kind of relationship between the three of us. Now, I'm not really sure what to make of that because, frankly, I have no idea what a relationship between three people would look like. I've only got that show about polygamists (Big Love, I think it's called) in my head and I don't know if that's what Mary Anne is suggesting. I don't know if I would want that, as much as I want to be with Logan. Correction: as much as I need to be with Logan.

God, but I'm scared. Even though Logan and I are still together, I am worried about something. I am worried about the balance between the three of us. If there really is a three-way relationship going on, Mary Anne definitely has the stronger link to Logan's heart. They have been together for so long that it just seems like nothing I could ever do would make me as endeared to him as she is. I feel like there's this very delicate balance going on right now and I'm afraid that one false move on my part will bring it crashing all down around my ears. Worst of all, it'll mean that I'll be out of his life for good and Mary Anne's, too. After all, she is my best friend. I don't want to lose either of them, so I have to be careful and watch every little move that I make. I just don't want something tragic and irreversible to happen.

God, I guess that I'm just worried that once their relationship is stronger that I'll start being shut out. That Logan will realize that he doesn't need me anymore. I don't know if I could live through that. Maybe I am too melodramatic, but I'm scared, Diary. The last thing I want is for Logan and Mary Anne to be apart, but the second to last thing I want is for Logan and I to be apart. I want him to be happy, but I'm selfish. I need to be happy, too.

Oh, Diary. What am I going to do?


I was sitting outside in the garden, watching the birds and the butterflies go about their business. It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and the soft spring sunlight was breaking through the new leaves onto the duck pond in pretty, sparkling patterns. The few animals that we did own (some ducks, a couple of geese, a goat named Sally, and a fat pony named Eileen) were moving around the yard slowly as if they could tell that it was a lazy afternoon, meant for quiet and rest. I rested my cheek against the wooden beam of the rocker and sighed with contentment.

I must've dozed off because it seemed like only moments later when a gentle hand was shaking my shoulder. I blinked several times, trying to wake myself up.

"Stace? You awake?"

I finally was able to focus on Mary Anne's face. "Yeah. Wow, how long was I asleep?"

She smiled gently. "You've been out here for more than an hour. I came out to check on you."

I stretched my body out as she sat down next to me. She was wearing a light green dress with a long gray sweater over the top. She placed her hands in the pockets of the sweater and leaned back.

"I didn't realize that I was so tired," I mumbled.

"Don't worry about it. I just wanted to see if you were OK," she replied. Her hair suddenly whipped around her face with a gust of wind and I grinned. She sighed and tried to brush her hair away from her face. Luckily, my hair was secured at the nape of my neck with a tight black hair tie. "Stupid wind."

"That's why I put mine up," I told her. "Less hassle."

"Well, I like mine down," she answered. She looked out towards the duck pond. "I need to talk to you, Stace."

I felt my stomach sink. "About what?"

"About us. You, me, and Logan."

So, she really did consider it to be a three-way relationship now. I wondered just how much she was factoring me into the equation, though. How much did I really count in her eyes? Was I just an obstacle that could eventually be overcome or was I someone who she was willing to make a relationship work with?

Did I even want that?

"Wait," I said quickly. "I have to ask you something first." Mary Anne paused for a moment before nodding slowly. "I need to know and I need you to be totally honest here. How can you be OK with me and Logan still being together? Doesn't that bother you?"

Mary Anne nodded.

"It does," she answered. "I keep trying to make myself say that it won't, but every time I really think about it, it hurts. I mean, he cheated on me with you and now he still needs to be with you. The logical part of me is screaming that I should force him to dump you or dump him myself." She cringed. "But, I feel like he's my soulmate, Stacey. How do you dump your soulmate?"

I shook my head, feeling miserable. "I'm so sorry. We never should've been together."

"No, you shouldn't have," Mary Anne snapped then sighed and looked at me. "I'm sorry, Stacey. I know why it happened."

"Doesn't make it right," I mumbled.

"No."

We sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of the backyard brimming with life all around us. I closed my eyes again, but was careful not to fall asleep. What else could I possibly do to make Mary Anne hate me more than she already did? Finally, I cleared my throat.

"Mary Anne, I'm afraid."

"I know you are," she answered, almost wearily. "I am, too."

"Wait, you know? And, you are?"

She glanced at me with her big brown eyes and nodded. "Of course, Stacey. We're obviously both still freaked out about Teddy and we're going to be until the son of a bitch is caught." She rubbed my arm. "I know that."

I blushed a little. "Oh. Well, I am still scared of that, but that wasn't exactly what I was talking about."

She looked embarrassed. "No?"

I shook my head. "I was talking about me and Logan. I'm scared that… that once you guys get closer, he's not going to want me around anymore," I confessed. I looked down at the ground. My resolve was melting fast and I was going to have to talk fast if I wanted to say what I had to before it was gone completely. "That he's going to realize that you're the only girl he really wants and then he'll boot me out."

When I looked back up, I found that I couldn't really read the expression on Mary Anne's face. "Stacey… I don't think that's going to happen," she said tensely. "He loves you. It really hurts me to say this because I do want him to myself, but he really does love you. I don't think he's just going to give you up."

"You really think so?" I asked, not caring about her pain in my own sudden thrill that she was telling me that Logan loved me. "You really think that he loves me?"

"Of course," Mary Anne snapped again and this time there was real heat behind her words. I jerked back, away from her, and waited for her to apologize. She didn't. "Listen, Stacey. I know that you're having some real confidence issues right now, especially involving Logan and me, but I can only tell you these things so many times, all right? Don't you understand that it hurts me to have to keep telling you that he loves you when he's my soulmate? When he's the only man that I have ever truly loved? He's the man of my dreams and he cheated on me and now the other woman wants to be comforted and told that my Logan still loves her." She paused and her glare could almost have burned the air between us. "Do you have any idea what that feels like? Best friend or not? Situation being what it is or not?"

I bit my lip. I would not cry. Mary Anne was not going to take to tears lightly, I could tell. I glanced away from her.

"I don't know how many times you want me to say I'm sorry, but I will," I whispered. "And, I'll stop, I really will. It's just… I thought you'd understand."

"Oh, I do. Too much. That's why you can't keep asking me these things, Stace." Thank God; my nickname. She was calming down.

"I won't," I promised urgently.

Mary Anne rubbed her forehead like she had a bad headache. Maybe she did.

"This isn't something that I necessarily want to do, Stacey," she began softly, but without the heat or anger of before. She seemed almost drained now. "It's something that I have to do. It's something that I need to learn how to accept because it's not going to go away, no matter how hard I wish that it would. I have to accept it."

I felt relief wash through me. Though it was difficult for Mary Anne to say these things, it was music for my ears. She was going to "accept" this! She was stronger and more, well, accepting than I thought she was. Oh, sure, people could say that she was an idiot to have the wool pulled over her eyes, but I was making no attempt to hide anything from her. Everything, every thought, every fear, every intention I had, I planned on telling her immediately, just so that this way our strange new relationship could work. So that we could both keep Logan without either of us having to suffer the pain of losing him. Maybe we didn't want to share him (yet… who knew in the future what it might be like), but our desire to keep him was forcing us together in a way we would've never dreamed possible.

I couldn't imagine it was possible. I pinched myself and grimaced. Mary Anne noticed.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," I told her. "I just pinched myself. I just can't believe this is happening."

"Me either," she said with a lot less enthusiasm.

I looked at her for a long moment, gauging my next question against how I perceived her mood. "Mary Anne, can I ask you a question?"

"You just did," she answered dryly.

"Oh, ha ha," I replied, just as dryly. She smiled a little. "No, seriously. I want to know why you're letting Logan be with me. And, don't say that you can't stop him because we both know that you can. I want to know why you're letting him stay with me and why you're not just snatching him back for yourself."

"Do you know what it's like to see someone you really love unhappy, Stacey?" she asked quietly. I nodded. That's how Logan and I had come to be together, after all. "Well, then you know what it's like to feel that same pain that they feel. All you want to do is see that smile on their face because you know that when you do, that smile will be like your sun and light again. I just… I couldn't bear to know that I was the one who would make him unhappy. Worse yet, to make him miserable. That pain would be worse than any other pain that I can ever imagine."

I swallowed. I thought I could understand where she was coming from.

"Stace, I just can't bear the thought of making him unhappy, even for a little while. Do you understand?"

I nodded obediently.

Mary Anne sighed and shook her head. "He's found love with another woman and yet he still loves me. Where is the fairness in that? I don't even have the right to slap him across the face and move on because he sincerely still loves me and wants to be with me and I feel the exactly same way." She ran her fingers through her hair and coughed. She was silent for so long that I shifted my weight uncomfortably and cleared my throat. Mary Anne blinked and went on. "So, if he has found love with two women then the only thing that I can do is to make it work. For him. I have to try my best to make this work because I love him and I can't bear to hurt him." She laughed. "It'd be so much easier if he just wanted to get a puppy."

I chuckled. "Yeah, but think of all the animal rights' activists knocking down your door."

"Ew, Stace, I wasn't even thinking like that," Mary Anne groaned and playfully shoved my shoulder. I shoved her back and we both smiled at one another.

"What about us?" I asked her.

"Us?"

"You and me. Me and you. Are we going to be best friends ever again?" I asked.

Mary Anne shook her head and I felt my heart sink. "No," she said. "No, I think we're going to be so much more than just plain old best friends."


We were eating dinner around six-thirty that night. At our dining table, Kaylee sat next to me; she was very intent on being next to me all the time. Perhaps she was developing a sort of little-girl-crush on me. I hid a smile in my napkin. That last time that happened, it had been with Charlotte and it had taken her until she was nearly sixteen to outgrow her "crush" on me. Up until then, Charlotte had completely adored me and listened to everything I said as if I were a goddess speaking.

Claudia sat on Kaylee's other side and Jack beside Claudia. Logan sat at the head of the table and Mary Anne sat on his other side. I sat next to her. Sometimes, I liked to pretend that Logan was a king presiding over a royal meal with his two ladies and his most trusted knight and the knight's family instead of just our two families having pasta or meatloaf at six-thirty in the evening. It was far more romantic the other way and, besides, I got to call myself Lady Anastasia Elizabeth in my head.

Tonight we were eating whole wheat pasta (something that was easier and better for me to eat with my diabetes) with red sauce and meatballs. We had defrosted a container of frozen peas and carrots along with a can of beets (Jack loved beets) and I was eating lots of the veggies and ignoring the beautiful smelling homemade bread that Mary Anne and Kaylee had baked together.

Kaylee nudged my arm.

"Look, Stacey! Jack's going to slurp down another one of those nasty beets," she stage-whispered. Jack's eyes flickered over to us and he theatrically slurped down the said beets. Kaylee moaned in horrified disgust and Claudia thumped him on the arm.

"Why do you encourage her?"

He shrugged. "Because it's funny to watch her squirm?"

"Well, stop it," Claud replied, but with no particular malice behind the command. She glanced at me and shrugged as if to say "what are you going to do?"

Mary Anne cleared her throat and I looked over at her with a smile on my face. The moment I saw the serious expression on hers, I felt like my smile melted off. I swallowed tightly and glanced at Logan.

"Claudia, Jack, I felt that it was time that we told you something important."

Oh no no no no.

I shook my head at her, but Mary Anne ignored me. She even ignored the hand Logan placed over hers, hoping to stop her from speaking.

"It hasn't been going on for very long, but you two are our dearest friends, so I figured that we ought to tell you guys before we told anyone else." She paused and Claudia looked at Logan expectantly.

"What is it? You're not pregnant, are you, Mary Anne?"

"What?" Mary Anne exclaimed with a bit of a laugh. "Oh, no, of course not. No." She glanced over at me and held my gaze meaningfully. I flushed. "But, our relationship has changed. It's no longer just Logan and I in our relationship now. We, both of us, have agreed to let Stacey into our relationship so that we're kind of a trio, I guess."

Claudia shook her head and Jack turned to Kaylee.

"Go to your room," he said in a voice barely containing anger. Kaylee stared at him then gestured to her half full plate.

"I'm not done eating, Jack," she said. "Let me finish."

"Go!" he barked and the girl jumped.

Claudia put a hand on his arm to steady him and Kaylee leapt from the table with tears in her eyes, leaving her plate behind her. She raced for her room and nobody said anything to her about clearing her place. I stared down resolutely at my own plate, wishing I could sink into the ground. I could almost feel Mary Anne flinch and Logan's hand tighten protectively as Kaylee's door slammed shut.

"Why?" Claudia asked, her voice the furthest from friendly that I had heard it in years. I chanced a peek up, still too worried to look Claudia or Jack full in the face. I was smart. Claudia's returning look was withering.

"Blame me," Logan said quickly, turning Claudia's attention from me to him. I licked my lips and sighed. "Stacey and I became… involved and we didn't get out of it soon enough. Not before it could hurt everyone involved. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love with Stacey and was still in love with Mary Anne."

Claudia shook her head, her lips pursed with disgust. "Mary Anne, how are you letting this happen?"

"Because I love him," she said quietly. "Because he loves Stacey now, too. I couldn't make him choose and if that makes me a bad person, too, then so be it. I just can't make him choose."

"Don't you worry about what other people are going to say?" Jack asked. "Don't you care that you won't ever be able to enjoy a real, intimate relationship with Logan now that Stacey's in the picture?"

I began to cry silently.

"I love Stacey like a sister," Mary Anne hissed, suddenly angry. I felt her hand catch my shoulder and squeeze. "I am willing to love her more than even that because she is important to who we all are now."

"I don't know if I could ever do that," Claudia said softly. I glanced at her and was relieved to see that her face had softened considerably. She touched my hand. "This is crazy, Stacey. You know that, right?"

I laughed through my tears. "I know."

"I only want you to be happy," Claudia said quietly. She studied my face. I nodded.

"Logan loves me," I told her as though it were just the two of us talking, girl to girl. "We're going to make this work."

"Well, forgive me if I think this is all going to end in disaster," Jack said tightly and stood up. "Claudia, I'll be in the apartment when you're done."

We all watched in silence as he picked up his dinner plate and took it into the kitchen to clear it off. When he returned to walk through the small dining room to the living room, he brushed Claudia's shoulders with his fingertips then left without a word. I wiped my eyes and swallowed. Logan looked a little shell shocked and Mary Anne's face was red. Claudia squeezed my hand.

"Just give him some time to cool down," she said to all three of us. "You know how he usually is. This is just such a surprise for, that's all. He'll get over it."

"What if he doesn't?" Logan asked tightly.

Claudia nodded. "Don't worry, guys. He'll get over it."


A little while later, I was upstairs in my bedroom, running the vacuum cleaner over my carpet, which hadn't been cleaned in weeks. I smiled in satisfaction at the way the blue-gray carpet began to grow more and more clean. It started to smell less and less like dirty old socks, too. Normally, I wasn't much for housework, but after that conversation at dinner, my nerves were twitching and I was looking desperately for something to keep my hands busy. I was so deep in thought that I screamed in surprise when Mary Anne popped into my eyesight.

I turned off the vacuum cleaner quickly and stared at her, my heart pounding hard in my chest. She sighed.

"Relax," she murmured. "I'm not going to hurt you."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, stop it. I'm not that high strung."

"You were just here for the last several moments, right?"

"What do you want?" I asked warily. I was growing tired of everything, too. Maybe it was depression. I didn't know.

"Are you really in the mood to be cleaning?" she said conversationally as she sat down on the edge of my unmade bed. I shrugged.

"I feel antsy. I just…" I thought for a moment and a smile crept to my face. Mary Anne smiled back.

"What?" she asked like a kid inquiring about a juicy secret. I licked my lower lip.

"I just thought of a much more interesting way to keep my hands busy," I said. "It involves a little bit of wine and a lot of Logan."

Mary Anne laughed loudly. "I was actually kind of thinking the same thing."

My breath came up short in my throat. "What?"

"Listen before you go nuts," she said quickly. "I was just thinking that we should try this as a sort of initiation." She frowned and shook her head. "No, that's a really bad word for it. I can't think of a good one, Stace, but you know what I'm talking about. I want to do something to officially start this relationship." She paused. "Consummate it. There, that's a good word. I want the three of us to consummate our relationship. What do you think?"

I sat down heavily on the bed beside her. I shook my head.

"I don't know what to think. Didn't you just say that you didn't want to do something like this right away?" I asked her, feeling very confused and not liking it one bit. Mary Anne brushed a lock of her thick brown hair back behind her ear.

"Not between the two of us, no. I am definitely not ready for anything like that. But, if we could set some ground rules first like we're only going to touch Logan and not one another, I think that it could work."

I reached out and held her hand. It was trembling.

"Are you sure you aren't moving too fast?" I asked her honestly. Mary Anne's eyes filled with tears and she quickly looked to the floor.

"I don't know what you mean," she said, her voice shaky. I pressed my free hand against the other side of her hand.

"Mary Anne, you were just raped," I reminded her as gently as I could. "Are you sure you want to be rushing into trying all of these new sexual things just because you think it will make Logan happy? Or me? Or even you, Mary Anne? Because, I'm kind of freaked out by the whole idea of more than just Logan seeing me naked and I was abused years ago. It was only-"

"I get it," she snapped. "You don't want to do it. You could just say that you don't want to do it."

I tried hard not to sigh. "No, Mary Anne, you know that's not what I'm trying to say to you. I'm just worried. I don't want you to be rushing yourself. You're only going to get hurt."

"Because suddenly you're an expert," she spat angrily. Her body was tense on the bed beside me and I did not like the path we were headed down. I reached for her hand and she pulled it away. "I'm the one with the degree in this kind of thing, Stace. You think just because some guy is in love with you that you know everything. Get over yourself."

"Calm down, Mary Anne," was all I could say. I wanted to yell right back at her, but I knew what she was doing. Hadn't I done it millions of times to my own mother? Hadn't I reached out then lashed out tooth and nail when the response wasn't precisely what I wanted? I still did, though not as much, but it did give me the chance to see what she was doing. "Please, honey."

"Shut up, Stacey." She stood up and began pacing back and forth quickly. "I knew this was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't have let this happen. You're going to make sure that he never listens to another word I say, aren't you? You're going to poison him against me, aren't you?"

"Mary Anne, no!"

"You won't even let me have an idea without making it sound like it's just because of the rape. Like I'm some messed up sex freak or something."

I stood up quickly and followed her to the door. I reached for and caught her hand. Mary Anne swung around with an outraged look on her face then swung her other hand faster than I could see.

I reeled back, hand to my stinging cheek. My mouth opened in shock as I stared at her fuming face. Suddenly, Logan's face appeared over her shoulder.

"What's going on in here?" he demanded, pushing past Mary Anne to check on my cheek. I let him look and didn't flinch as he prodded the tender skin. Mary Anne looked on with an unreadable expression. Her hands were clenching in and out of fists and her entire body was shaking.

"Nothing," I whispered finally, pulling away. "We were just having an argument."

"With your fists?" he asked.

It was then that Mary Anne dissolved into wrenching tears. Her knees gave way and Logan just barely managed to catch her, sinking to the ground along with her. His right leg tucked up underneath her body while his left leg lay straight on the ground. I knelt down beside Mary Anne, who was weeping miserably; not trying to hide her face or cling to Logan like she usually did when she was crying. I felt my heart break.

"Mary Anne…" I whispered. She hiccoughed and began to choke. Logan patted her back and I grasped her hand tightly. Gradually, she calmed a little.

"I'm so sorry," she whimpered. Logan took her forehead and pushed her back against the hard shelf that was his chest. She lay rigid against him for a moment then relaxed, slipping her small hand into his large one. I squeezed the hand that I was holding and shook my head.

"It's all right, Mary Anne. I forgive you."

"No, don't."

I looked into her hurting eyes. "Let's call it even, then, hm?" I asked, hoping for a smile, at least. She looked away.

"You're right, Stace. I can't do this. I'm not ready."

I knew it! that nasty little voice in my head shrieked. It had been silent for so long that I nearly flinched to hear it in my head again.

"It doesn't matter who is right," I replied softly.

"What are you talking about?" Logan asked.

"Sex," Mary Anne said bluntly. "I… I just can't."

He paled visibly. "I didn't force you to when we…"

She turned her head to press her cheek against his chest. "No, Logan. I wanted to… only, I wasn't ready. Not really. And, I tried to make Stacey do something that…" She squeezed her eyes shut tightly. "What's wrong with me? Why am I turning into such a freaking mess?"

"Baby, you were raped," Logan murmured, brushing her hair through his fingers. "That doesn't just go away."

"But I felt so free when I was with you," she replied. I was beginning to feel left out of the conversation, but I didn't mind. "Like I had just said 'so there!' to Teddy Thomas and that everything was all better again. You know?"

"I can imagine," I murmured. Mary Anne opened her eyes to look at me like she had forgotten that I was there. I smiled wanly. "I mean, I wish there was some kind of magic word or something you could say or do and he'd be gone forever."

"I asked Stacey to have a threesome with us," Mary Anne said quickly. Logan's eyes flitted between me and her a couple of times before settling back on her.

"You want to do that?"

"I'm not ready." Her voice was small and frightened; a little girl's voice. Logan kissed her head and nodded. "I mean, yes, maybe. In the future, yeah. But, I thought that if I pushed things along, everything would just smooth out. The three of us, me, everything. Just a little while and everything would be good again."

I leaned over to kiss her cheek. "Don't worry about us. We'll work on it together. You don't need to hurt yourself over it."

"I wouldn't have hurt myself," she protested weakly.

"Yes, you would," I said firmly. "And you would've resented us for being there when you did."

Logan laughed. I stared at him.

"What could possibly be so funny?"

"You being such a little psychologist," he said with an adoring smile. I blushed then felt anger rise up in me.

"Well, I've had some experience with this, Logan. I know a thing or two about hating myself."

"I'm sorry," he replied softly and though I knew he was sincere, I still felt a little resentful. I refocused my attention onto Mary Anne. She was breathing through her mouth and had closed her eyes again. Her cheeks were bright pink from crying and she had red splotches around her eyes and mouth.

"Mary Anne, you don't need to do this," I told her. "You don't need to push yourself like this. In fact, you shouldn't do it."

"I just don't want to lose Logan," she whispered.

Logan looked like someone had stabbed him in the gut.

"Really? You think if you don't force yourself to do all this crazy stuff that I'm going to leave you?" he asked quietly and with a hurt voice. Mary Anne nodded and he kissed her forehead. "No, honey, no. I would never leave you. Never."

"You already have!" she gasped. "You slept with Stacey! How do I know you won't really leave me if I can't keep you interested now?"

He hugged her tightly as though he was scared that she was going to run away from him and, unable to resist, I wrapped my arms around both of them. I let my own kisses rain down on Mary Anne's face as she wept. Logan began to cry, too and it was all I could do not to join them in their tears.

"I would never do that," he told her. "You have to believe me."

"I would never let him," I said quickly.

Mary Anne opened her eyes and stared at me. "You have more control over this whole situation than any of us, Stacey. How can I trust you?"

I felt that same stab of hurt that Logan must've felt. I swallowed and looked down. I shook my head. "I don't know. I love you like you were my own sister, Mary Anne, but I haven't really given you any reason to trust me lately, have I?" I pulled away from them both. "I'm so sorry."

"No," she said and I looked back up in surprise. "Don't pull away. I'm just… I'm just so scared, Stace. I don't know what to do anymore. What am I supposed to do?"

I shook my head again. "If I knew that…"

Logan kissed Mary Anne's head again and she pulled away from him, off of his lap. He watched her go with that same hurt look on his face.

"I'm so thirsty," she whispered. She pulled her knees up to her chest and brought her forehead to rest on them. "Could someone make some tea?"

"I'll go," Logan said quickly and stood up before I had a chance to say anything to stop him. I watched him leave then sat in the quiet room with Mary Anne for a couple of minutes before speaking.

"Are you really scared of losing him?" I asked her quietly. "Because you know that I would leave him if I thought that he was going to break up with you."

"I'm scared of everything," she said. "I've been scared of everything since the rape. Teddy tore my whole world apart, Stace. It was bad enough trying to take care of you before he raped me. You know, when you would have the nightmares and everything? But now…

"I wonder if it just wouldn't have been easier on everybody if he had just killed me. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this. I wouldn't have to talk about this… or, rather, not talk about it. You know, I just can't seem to open my mouth about what he did to me. It's just so terrifying to even think about it; like, if I say anything at all, it'll bring him back."

I nodded though I knew she couldn't see me.

"He kind of takes over your whole world," I agreed. "I'm so sorry I let him get into your world."

She looked up. "It's not your fault. I'd love to blame someone, but it's not your fault."

"At least you think so."

We were quiet for a while longer. I thought I heard the sound of the tea kettle hissing downstairs. The thought of a warm mug of tea was a pleasing one. I caught one of Mary Anne's hands and laced my fingers with hers.

"How long is this going to take?" she asked softly. I shook my head. "I mean, until I'm better. Until I'm not scared of every single little shadow that goes by?"

"Mary Anne, I have no idea." I swallowed. "I'm still scared."



Author's Note:

For the time being, I will be concentrating all of my free writing time (which is very little since college commands much of me) on working on this story. Until Beauty From Pain is completed, it is my top priority, fanfiction-wise. For those of you following the story, I hope you will be pleased to learn of this.