A/N: I would have had this bloody chapter posted this morning but my blasted school decided, "Oh, let's make Laura's life a living hell and block Fan Fiction. That seems like it'll be fun and maybe we'll see her crack under the pressure! Whoo, go tyranny!"
So yeah, here's Chapter 13.
Disclaimer: Can be found in all the other chapters.
CHAPTER 13: TO BE HUMAN PART 1
"Occasionally, I wonder what it would be like to wonder about having a living family."
I turned to Esme, dust flying from my hair and into the surrounding air, nearly making me sneeze with familiarity. Italy had been a mighty dusty place as well and this dust was only slightly better tasting than that dust. It reminded me of the dust Charlie always had to sweep off Christmas ornaments when he finally took the time to get a Christmas tree (a last minute venture at best). It had always made me giggle when I would see him with white and gray powder in his hair and snow and ice on his boots. Shaking my head at the memories, I returned my attention to Esme who looked as if she wasn't expecting a question in return but wouldn't mind one either.
"So you don't think about it?" She smiled and shook her head, lemon-scented rag still gathering the dust that I was spreading from the old, out-dated television. The couch that she stood next to was crawling with mites and the remains of said mites and it reeked of abandonment. She had offered to have it cleaned but I declined. It was likely it wouldn't even stand my weight. The amount of effort and money it would take to have it fixed would be outrageous compared to its actual worth.
"I think about it all the time," she said lightly, "but I've never really questioned actually wanting one. The family I have is safe and it is nearly whole. I'm happy with the way things have played out, despite the bad start to it all." She smiled as she saw the faux wood shine. She'd been going at it at an uncharacteristically slow pace as far as vampires were concerned. I'd always known them to be impatient at best, always wanting instant gratification. For creatures that were going to live forever, they sure were in a rush.
"I don't miss my family that much," I replied quietly. She turned to me, confusion in her golden eyes. I looked away, my hands suddenly becoming much more interesting to look at compared to the dust in the air that separated Esme and I.
"It's okay to miss them, Bella. I miss my child all the time and then some," Esme said. I looked up, confused.
"Your child?" She nodded, a sad smile on her face as her eyes misted, a clear glaze of unshed venom. I wondered briefly if it burned to have venom in your eyes and wondered if it would always burn when you couldn't cry.
"He didn't survive birth but I had loved him so very much. I'm still sad that he died but I can't honestly complain when his death led me to this new life I lead, one of happiness and everlasting hope. You may find this slightly morbid," she added with a hint of humor mixed in her sadness, "but that child gave me a reason to kill myself so that I could be given life. A better life, at that."
She was right; I did find that morbid. However, it nicely shielded my own dark sense of humor with Esme's strangely bright and optimistically dark humor. This side of her was probably a one time thing because I couldn't imagine her repeating what she'd just said over again but it was nice of her to express it with me.
"Well, I feel that I have thoroughly ruined the calm mood. Are you hungry? We could grab something to eat?" I sighed and decided that if I was going to die soon, gluttony was one of the things I'd partake in. Indulging in food hadn't ever really been a big thing for me. That being said, recently my diet had been lacking even by my own lackluster standards. I was starving.
Esme took my sigh as a yes and led me out to her car, a blue-steel colored Mercedes. It just seemed to fit her in a weird way, like a softer version of Carlisle's serious black Mercedes. I assumed they got them as a pair.
There was little chatter in the time it took for Esme to speed down the highway and into Port Angeles in search of good food and atmosphere. She didn't seem to find it at all awkward that I'd be eating and she'd be watching me.
When I was finally seated at a booth, I realized how relieved I was that I had been allowed to choose the restaurant. Esme had listed many options, from the high scale, member-only restaurant to the extensively French restaurant with a maître whom would likely try to chat us up. Luckily, I'd seen a small café with a bakery and decided that it was probably best for me to not rock my own boat. I'd never been particularly good at dealing with the formalities of things. Eating was just something I'd never want to have to have excessive manners for. Much too complicated in my opinion. Esme didn't seem bothered as she pretended to daintily sip from her glass of water, her hand so cold that the room temperature drink was now drawing in condensation to the glass.
"Thank you," I muttered quietly so no one would hear except for her. "I doubt anyone would have known to offer to take me back home after what happened the last time I was there." She smiled and shook her head.
"You overestimate me. Everyone wanted to see that you got closure. They were just…a bit more hesitant, I suppose."
"Everyone?" I questioned with a raised eyebrow. Esme frowned and I found myself feeling guilty.
"Admittedly, not everyone but it's no matter. Rosalie has always been a bit slow to accept others. It's only a matter of time before she comes around," Esme replied with a wary smile. I think she knew that I highly doubted that Blondie would be all fine and dandy in time.
After the waitress came and took my order (it took her a bit longer because she was ogling Esme out of the corner of her eye), Esme and I sat in an awkward silence, me sipping my coke while she pretended to sip her water, occasionally spilling some into a the flower vase on our table for the single wilting flower that was there so quickly that had I seen the difference in the water's volume in her glass, I would have never even known.
"I never got a chance to tell you," I started, "but I think your home is lovely." She immediately brightened, putting down her water glass so she could clasp her hands together.
"Oh thank you, Bella. I'm so glad you approve of it." My face heated but my embarrassment seemed unjustified. She was glad I approved. Did this mean she'd been awaiting my approval the entire time?
"Well I—" was suddenly cut off by a yell.
"Bella!"
Two warm arms wrapped around me and I cried out in pain, the bruises on my torso making their presence once again the focal point of my thoughts. Immediately I was released and I plopped back down into my chair, my head knocking into the cushioned bench.
"Oh shoot, Bella, I'm so sorry. Are you alright?" I nodded and winced. It had been unexpected. This was what I got when I refused to have Carlisle bandage me up just for my own safety. My own clumsiness had been enough reason for me to consider the simple solution to the unnecessary pain but I had stubbornly refused after reasoning that the likeliness of me being in such a situation again with all the vampires surrounding me was unlikely. Had I remembered that even humans could be strong, I wouldn't have been so taken off guard.
"I'm fine….Jacob?"
"Hey, Bella!" His long black hair tied back at the nape of his neck and his cargo shorts tattered and splattered with a greasy black substance, Jacob seemed to have grown quite a bit since the last time I'd seen him though my opinion may have been biased seeing as I was seated. Esme, however, looked wary when I turned back to see why she was still silent. Her nose had wrinkled slightly but she had a curious and protective look in her face. She was watching Jacob intently as if looking for a reason to be alarmed though I doubted she wanted one. It was the precaution set by the family though and she followed it.
"Hey Jacob, how've you been?" I felt awkward. What was I supposed to say to him? 'Hey, Jacob, how have your wolf-shaped shape-shifters been? Any plans on them visiting me soon?'
"Pretty good," he replied happily, a wide grin taking over his face. His boyish features were looking strangely more chiseled than before but his grin was the same one I had seen when we first met. "I was just out seeing if the junkyard here had some better car parts than the one in Forks. Been looking for a carburetor but I haven't had much luck. Oh, I'm sorry, my name's Jacob Black." He held his hand out suddenly to Esme whose eyes were now open and much less suspicious than they had been before. Jacob's face too had an open look about it but his nose seemed to have a wrinkle along the ridge as well. I inconspicuously sniffed the air but didn't smell a thing other than the scent of baked goods and pepper and garlic.
"I'm Esme Cullen. It's a pleasure to meet you," Esme replied, her quiet and motherly tone seeming to surprise Jacob who instantly relaxed, his eyes widening from the onslaught. Esme just had that effect on people, I supposed.
"Pleasure's all mine—"
"Jacob!"
I turned to the door and internally groaned as I saw Billy Black rolling through the door, his eyes narrowed at me before they shifted over from Jacob's hand to Esme's arm (clearly attached to Jacob through the handshake they were both participating in). He sputtered momentarily, his wheelchair jerking a bit when he tried to speed up in his panic. He obviously knew what Esme was and was freaked out by it; I would have been too if I hadn't been surrounded by the big bad vamps all my life.
"Hey, Mr. Black," I greeted as calmly as possible. Obviously Jacob knew nothing about the supernatural beings that resided in Forks and even on his own turf. I vaguely remembered a time when I had been that naïve and safe. Living in the unknown was the best way to make it through unscathed. Jacob needed that chance.
"Oh, you must be Billy Black! I'm so pleased to meet you. I'm Esme Cullen," Esme said with a smile, her eyes wide and calm. I hadn't told the vampires about what Billy had said to me. They had no idea that he knew who I was. "I believe Mrs. Gerandy told me that you had once taught lessons on the Quileute tribal rituals…I'm afraid I wasn't living here at the time. How unfortunate; it would have been wonderful to have been a witness to such a beautiful culture."
Billy's eyes narrowed even further and he seemed to have growled beneath his breath. Jacob was looking between them as if wondering whether or not he should intervene before things got out of hand. Was Billy always so temperamental?
Esme was shorting sitting down, even with Billy sitting in his wheelchair, but when she held out her hand to shake his, he seemed to straighten to a point where he practically towered over her. His eyes burned.
"I don't shake Cold hands." Esme put in the effort to look confused.
"I was just drinking a glass of chilled water so my hand might be a bit cold…"
"You know what I mean, leech."
"Dad!" Jacob was glaring at his father, his mouth set into a frown. "What would Mom say if she heard you talking to a woman like that?" He turned to Esme. "I'm so sorry; he must be in a bad mood and since he can't walk it off—"
"Jacob, don't talk about me as if I'm not here! I'm your father; show some respect."
"As soon as you show some respect towards others—especially women—I'll do whatever the hell you want."
"Yeah, right. Respect my a—"
"Excuse me," I peeked in before Billy could finish, "but we're in a restaurant and the waitress is glaring at us for disturbing the peace. I think it would be best if we leave. Come on, Esme, I'm not really feeling hungry anymore." I turned to Jacob. "It was so great seeing you again, Jacob. Hopefully I'll see you around soon." I pulled him into a hug impulsively. He just seemed like a good kid, the kind that was so innocent and carefree that it caused you pain to put them through anything difficult. If we had been under different circumstances, I would have easily been good friends with him. If only…
"It was great seeing you too," he said into my hair. He was an inch or two taller than me. Strange, I had really thought he was shorter. "Do you mind if I call you later? Maybe we can hang out or something…" I looked to Esme; she was pretty much my caretaker. I didn't have freedoms and rights; I had privileges.
Her smile didn't look totally genuine but it wasn't fake either. She nodded and pulled out a card from her bag, writing down my number on it. The Cullen Card; Jacob looked slightly impressed.
"It would be a pleasure to have you over, Jacob. However, we must be going. It was wonderful meeting you."
We left, Billy's eyes glaring daggers into our backs as we left. When we reached Esme's car, she turned to me and sighed.
"You may not be hearing from Jacob anytime soon, Bella."
"Why not?"
"Billy just forbade him from ever seeing you again. I'm so sorry," she said remorsefully, her eyes looking glassy. I leaned back as the car revved up and sped away from the restaurant.
It didn't bother me much that I was surrounded by vampires and that my life to become one was a never-ceasing threat for the near future. It didn't bother me that the Volturi had given me a chance for a life despite the fact that it was only to last a year and was still being infiltrated by the vamps. What really got me was that no matter how much of a human life I wanted to live and no matter how much effort I put into it, the one thing I would always lack was a human friend. Right now it was this blasted treaty that had me in an ironclad hold. In a year's time, it would be ice-cold marble hands that would be holding me back from consuming the blood of those I wished to befriend.
Irony was horrid that way.
--
Monotony was ruling my meager life and it bored me to no end. There was food, shelter, entertainment, and all the extra stuff that people loved to have even when they didn't need it. My surroundings weren't the problem though. I just didn't seem to have the drive that was necessary to live contently, let alone happily. Jasper took notice as soon as I came home with Esme, carrying memories in a dusty cardboard box. It took Edward about two milliseconds to figure it out as well. After that, nearly everyone was doing their best to bring some life to the house where there was only one—barely—beating heart. They weren't lying when they said that this house held no secrets.
"How about we go hiking? I haven't had a chance to use those hiking boots I buy every year," Alice suggested.
"And risk getting hurt, leading to you getting frisky and sucking me dry? No way. If anyone's going to suck on this neck, it's going to be Edward." I didn't have to turn around to see Edward looking at me curiously with a look of confusion, shame and self-aimed disappointment on his face.
"Why Edward?" Alice questioned. I turned the page to my book, caressing the worn paper. After flipping through it and dropping it a few times, the pages were much more…used. It felt nice.
"Because Edward would be the only one to truly appreciate my blood and all it's worth. Once it's gone, it's gone. He'll never be able to taste it again. It kind of sucks, actually. No pun intended."
Edward sat beside Alice on my bedroom floor as Emmett, Esme and Jasper came into the room (without my permission). It was like my room was their Bat Cave where they plotted and planned and tortured their human. Absolutely no privacy for the less-than-immortal.
"Bella please, at least come out with us. We'd love to take you sight-seeing. Seattle is lovely this time of year. No tourists will be around until the spring," Esme coaxed gently, a kind smile on her face. My eyes narrowed.
"I've seen Seattle before. You know, before this whole fiasco started." At my mention of "the incident", as they preferred to call it, their faces fell in what looked to be a silent apology. I sighed.
I knew what they wanted. All those things I had held in for years, the emotions and the opinions and the general feelings that make up every human were what they anticipated, hoping that something they did would make me spill them in a waterfall of tears and cries. They wanted a miracle for a person who didn't believe in magic.
"You don't have to feel guilty," Jasper said quietly, his voice smooth and calm like a trickling creek. "We don't expect anything from you. We just want you happy. Our kind has treated you unfairly and we can do little to repent for that, but we'd like to try." It wasn't hard for me to make up my mind about what I wanted, then.
"I want…I want to be…human again. Is it possible to do that?" Esme's eyes were exuberantly bright, Edward, Alice and Jasper were smiling kindly and Emmett was smirking widely, a dangerously mischievous twinkle in his golden eyes.
"Hon, we'll make a human of you yet."
"Emmett, I don't think driving lessons are such a good idea."
Right you are, Edward. Right you are.
