Loghain Mac Tir was arrogant, argumentative and stubborn as a Mabari hound.
It did not make him easy to deal with at times. But he was also thoughtful, intelligent and witty, which did help blunt all those sharp edges of his. Kya found herself arguing with him frequently, but always for good reasons. Sometimes, when he would actually back down, she wondered if he was only fighting with her because he enjoyed it. Or perhaps to make sure she truly believed in what she was fighting for.
During the day, Kya and Loghain began to pick up the pieces of the shattered Grey Wardens. Loghain had a knack for telling who would and who wouldn't survive the Joining. The other Wardens told her it was only one out of every five recruits that would actually survive. Loghain's current total was one of three. They seemed a bit in awe of it; Kya knew she was.
And if he seemed equally in awe of her, it was only fair.
Kya wondered sometimes if he was different now, or if that was just her own ego. She had not known him all that long before, and it was hard to separate the man from the myth. Occasionally, she forgot he'd ever been a commoner. But sometimes he would remind her with shocking and endearing clarity.
She'd found him this morning, splitting wood with the servants. Bare chested and laughing with the other men, stacking the wood into a cord and looking for all the world like a thirty year old farmhand, and not at all like the brusque Teryn of Gwaren he once was.
Of course, once it was finished, and he was washed and back into his armor, he argued with her for an hour about the new batch of recruits. And this was going to be one of the times he refused to back down.
"Maker's Blood, woman," he snapped, rubbing his forehead in irritation. "The Grey Wardens are not a refuge for the pathetic. I don't care if we recruit murders and thieves, as long as they are suitable. But these are refugees, and not a one has the willpower to master the taint."
"I know you think you have supernatural intuition Loghain," she said, her voice grim. "But if you have forgotten, you have been known to be wrong. I will allow them to undergo the Joining. If they die, they die. But it is their choice and I won't turn them away."
"You are going to turn the Wardens into a nursery! We need to be strong!" Loghain was yelling now.
Kya lowered her voice, stared at him. "The matter is settled. They will be tested. That's final."
"As you wish," he said, bitter and sarcastic. "But if you want to see them all die, why don't you just let them fall on your sword, instead of wasting lyrium?"
"Enough already," she sighed. But Loghain's face was grim, and his jaw was set. She would have her way, but he wasn't going to like it. "Look, I have a pile of paperwork on my desk the size of a dragon. I don't have time to argue with you."
"Then don't," he said. "Listen to reason."
Kya shook her head. "Yes, well, I'm unreasonable. Get used to it."
Loghain's teeth were grinding and he had probably given himself a headache. She was too exasperated to care.
"I will be in my office," Kya said, utterly done with the argument. "If anyone needs me. Or cares to apologize for being an ass."
"Ha," Loghain snorted. "Don't hold your breath."
Kya would have growled at him, but that just served to encourage him. She stalked off to her office, leaving him looking self-righteous and frustrated as ever. She slammed the door behind her, discovering that the dragon size pile of paperwork had grown since she was last there. Not just dragon sized, but high-dragon sized. She folded her arms on the one clear space on the desk, resting her forehead in her hands.
Being in love with the Hero of River Dane was a real pain in the ass.
"Commander?" a voice called through the door. Kya's head snapped up. She had never been happier to be disturbed; the words were starting to blur together and be meaningless.
"Come in," she invited. It was Torias, one of the newest Wardens, a young elf from the alienage in Highever. He looked harried, and carried more paper.
"Please don't tell me you are bringing me more work," Kya sighed.
"No," he replied. "I . . . no."
Kya raised her eyebrows at him. "You look nervous. Just spit it out," she said, amending her harsh tone with a smile. "Loghain didn't kill someone, did he?"
Torias laughed despite himself. "Not today, although he looked like he wanted to," he said. "Actually, he's waiting just down the hall. I have messages, and well . . . ."
"What?" Kya snapped.
"They're from Denerim," he finally managed. "From the King."
"Andraste's ass," Kya sighed. "What do they want?"
"I don't know," Torias said, handing her the bundle of paper. "The letters are all sealed, and the messengers wouldn't say."
Kya paged through the pack. The one on the top had her name in Alistair's familiar scrawl. Beneath it, one for Loghain in a delicate cursive script. From Anora, she imagined. Kya pulled it out of the pack, handing it to Torias.
"Give this one to Loghain, and ask him to come and see me once he's read it," Kya said. "I don't have to read it to know we'll need to talk afterwards."
"Very good," he said. He took the letter and left.
Hesitantly, Kya broke the wax seal on the letter with her name.
Kya –
I need a favor.
The official request for the Commander of the Grey Wardens is in the big mess of paperwork, but I wanted to ask you personally.
We found Cailan's body. Or what was left of it anyway, when we went back to clear out Ostagar. There's going to be a state funeral, and all the ceremony that goes with that in Denerim eventually. But first we are going to Ostagar.
I want to have a memorial for all those who died there. I owe it to Duncan, the other Grey Wardens, to the lost soldiers, and to my brother, I suppose.
You once said you would go with me to put up something in Duncan's honor. It isn't what I planned originally, but all of Ostagar is going to be a monument now. And I need you to come. You were there; I'm sure you understand why.
I know we didn't part on good terms, but no matter what ever else happened, we are friends, aren't we?
So please come.
– Alistair
Kya wanted to curse, but couldn't think of anything suitable to express how she felt. The very last place she ever wanted to see again was Ostagar. But she did promise Alistair once, and she didn't like the idea of going back on it.
She was many things, plenty of them curse words themselves, but she wasn't the sort of person that broke promises. Not even foolish ones made in another lifetime.
The door swung open and hit the wall forcefully. Kya looked up to see Loghain standing in the doorway, looking like a wild animal. He looked even more grim than when she'd left him earlier.
"I take it your letter was as enjoyable as mine," Kya said.
He growled.
'That good?" she replied. "Yes, I suppose it was. Alistair asked me to go to this memorial they are having at Ostagar."
"As Anora asked me," Loghain said finally. "She ordered it in fact. She said she knew that the crown has no authority over Grey Wardens, but she said she didn't care."
"That sounds about right," Kya sighed. "Alistair went the pleading route himself."
Loghain leaned against the frame of the door, raking his fingers through his hair. "So I assume if I fight you on this, you will order me instead and I'll have no choice."
"You have that one right," Kya said. "If I have to go back there, so do you."
"You do realize it is entirely likely that someone will try to kill me," he said tonelessly.
"Possibly," she said. "And if you keep acting like an ass, it might just be me."
He smiled bitterly at that. "I recall you were unable to finish the task the last time it was offered to you."
"Don't push your luck," Kya replied, a hint of humor creeping into her voice even though she tried to sound fierce. "I've gotten a bit more aggressive recently. There's this egomaniac that keeps telling me I need to be."
"Indeed you have," he said. "I've created a monster."
Kya's humor fled. "Yes," she said. "Monsters, all of us."
After wading through the mountain of official documents, she discovered that in order to reach Ostagar in time, they would need to leave soon. Tomorrow in fact.
The last few months living in the same place, after a year on the road, made Kya loathe to leave. Not to mention the fact the she would need to deal with Ostagar itself and what happened there. And so would Loghain. If he showed regret, he would despise himself; if he did not, everyone else would.
And then there was their personal entanglement. Not that Loghain was particularly demonstrative, not in public anyway, but it was known. The other Wardens seemed to think nothing of it. There was no animosity towards him from them, although they could have been rightfully angry considering what happened at Ostagar. But to the other Wardens, he was a brother first. Whatever he did before was of no consequence.
Kya felt that way too, at times. But she knew it wouldn't be true outside these walls.
Grey Warden or not, outside of Amarantine, Loghain was many things. He was still the Hero of River Dane, the man that helped put King Maric back on his grandfather's throne. He had been the leader of Ferelden's armies for as long as Kya had been alive. He was the queen's father. And he was also the man that turned his army away and left King Cailan to die.
Kya knew he'd tried to talk Cailan out of it. She knew that he hadn't wanted to betray Maric, but Cailan had left him no other choice. It was the King's life, or everyone else's lives. He told her that he had, on several occasions, abandoned what he should have been doing to save Maric. That was, until Maric insisted he never do it again. Maric understood the needs of the 'greater good.' But it was a hard road, and a hard case to make to anyone.
All anyone else saw was a river of blood, and a man turning his back on it.
When Kya finally stumbled back to her own room, weary to death with planning to leave again and with running in circles in her mind, she found Loghain already there. He'd started the fire, and was sitting quietly in one of the pair of chairs in front of it. His hands were steepled under his chin. Kya thought for a moment about taking the other chair, but instead she sank down on the floor in front of him. He moved forward as she leaned against him, his arm coming around to hold her.
"I'm sorry," he said. "For being an ass."
"Seriously? You're apologizing?" Kya said incredulously, although she didn't move except to put her hand over his forearm where it was wrapped around her. "Maker's breath, this does have you rattled as badly as I am."
"I hate to admit it," he said. "But yes. Although perhaps not for the reasons you might expect."
"Do you want to tell me?" she asked.
"Not particularly."
Kya snorted. "Well, I guess you aren't that rattled then. If you can still be obstinate and laconic."
"I talk to you more than anyone else in my life," he replied. "Except maybe Maric. What more do you want from me?"
Kya turned around to look at him, crawling up on to her knees so they were eye to eye. Loghain looked miserable.
"I just wish I could help," she said. "I am a little surprised by it, but it turns out it pains me when you get like this. Not because I want something from you. I just like it better when you are happy."
"Happiness has been rare," he replied. "I've had more of it in the last few months than in the rest of my life. But it is fleeting."
"I know," she replied, leaning forward and kissing him. He relaxed against her a little. "But we have to do this, you know that."
"I do," he replied. "It is just that I can't help but be reminded of something that Maric told me. It was shortly after we met. We were in the Korcari Wilds, running. And we were captured by the Dalish. They took us to a witch . . . and if I think about it now, after what you have told me, it was probably Flemeth."
"What?" Kya asked, her eyes wide.
"Yes," he continued. "And she told him something, something about me. She said 'Keep him close and he will betray you, each time worse than the last' and I can't help but accept that she was right, at last."
"Perhaps," Kya said, unsure about how to reply. "But Cailan might still be dead, even if you had charged. And then you'd be dead along side him."
"It may have been a more fitting death," he said. "Better than dying forgotten in the Deep Roads."
Kya put her hand on his face and met his eyes. "You will not be forgotten."
Loghain sighed. "I think that is what I'm most afraid of."
