Chapter 1: Insomnia
Memories plague my mind
Always there in the corners
Making it impossible to move on
But I will find a way to keep going
Even though I will never forget
—A.P.
**********
I love doing this. Just lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I think about things. On occasion I daydream. But mostly I just trace the pattern of the cheap ceiling tiles with my eyes.
What do I daydream about? Well, loads of different stuff. One time I even daydreamed about pancakes when I was really hungry. But mainly I fantasize about the day when I turn 18 and finally leave this cold, wet place. And sometimes, I can really see it: packing away my things, stuffing them into my car, and driving far away from Forks, Washington and never looking back.
But I know I will never be able to do that. Not as long Hermione still needs me.
Technically, Hermione is my mom. But it all depends on how you define "mom". Some define mom as the one that stays home cleaning, baking, and loving her kids. I define mom as the drunk one in her room or on the couch, sleeping off her latest hangover.
Our friend, Billy Black, told me it wasn't always like this. When we first moved here, she seemed kinda depressed, which is to be expected when the man you thought you loved just walks out on you. But her depression grew as time went on.
And then she started to drink. I remember the first night she came stumbling through the door in a drunken stupor. I was only eight at the time, so I didn't know what was going on. She looked at me and started to cry, slurring the words "I'm sorry" over and over. It's been 9 years since then, and things haven't improved. In fact, they have gotten worse. I guess she wasn't that sorry after all.
Hermione stays home all day, drinking and moping around. She's completely empty inside. Meanwhile, I pay the bills, go food shopping, and basically take care of everything, all while keeping my grades up. Without me, Hermione wouldn't stand a chance.
That's why I could never leave, even if I end up staying here until my last days. She may not be much of one, but she is my mother. And you don't just walk out on family like that. That is the one thing I learned from my father.
**********
You know when you just can't fall asleep? When even if you close your eyes for hours, even if you are exhausted, you just can't do it? That's what it's been like for me for four or five days now. The most sleep I get is those two hour naps of exhaustion that don't leave me feeling well rested at all. I don't want to get sleeping pills because I don't trust them--I've heard those can be dangerous. But I'm starting to get desperate. I walk around with headaches all day and my eyes are constantly bloodshot. I don't know what is causing this. I'm just hoping that my brain will just rest for a bit and let me get some sleep, but it doesn't seem to be happening tonight.
My clock says 4:00 A.M., which just doesn't seem possible considering I looked at it a long time ago and it only said 3:45.
Ping!
I jolt in my bed at the noise coming from my window. For a couple seconds, I just sit on my bed in a drowsy state, trying to dredge up the energy to move.
Ping! Ping! Ping!
Okay, okay, I'm coming. I think with a smile. He can be so impatient sometimes.
I walk over to my window and sure enough he's outside on the ground, beckoning me to come down. I hold up my index finger. One minute. No way am I going outside with my pajamas on and my bed-head sticking out in every possible direction.
Once I'm dressed and I look decent enough to go outside the confines of my home, I race down stairs and through the front door. I guess the whole sneaking out thing is a lot easier when your parent doesn't care, or, at any rate, is too drunk to care.
Waiting outside for me is Quil Ateara, my best friend. He lives on the Quileute reservation, La Push, along with most of my other friends. Once I told him about my insomnia, he started coming over and hanging out with me early in the morning. I think it is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me, especially considering he has been extremely exhausted lately.
"Hey," he says, smiling my favorite smile. His dark-tan body, the color that can only come from a true Native American heritage, stares at me obnoxiously.
"Will you put a shirt on?! It's freezing out here!" Lately, he's grown accustomed to walking around with no shirt on, which would be fine if the weather wasn't so unusually cold for the summer, even for Forks, one of the wettest, coldest towns in America.
"Adri, I'm fine," he smiles, calling me by my nickname. True, he doesn't have goose bumps, but considering my entire body is shaking, he should be feeling at least a little bit cold. I don't know… something just isn't sitting right with me about Quil.
I've had this weird feeling about him for about 6 months now. That was when he started hanging out with Sam and his goons. Well, I guess it all started before that, when he started growing exponentially. I used to wonder if he was on some kind of drug, but he vehemently denied it. I have learned to just drop it and accept his freakish growth spurt.
I shake the thoughts from my head; growth spurts and Sam make me think about him.
But, of course, now I've already started thinking about him. Pain shoots across my face as memories shoot across my mind. I do my best to cover it up, but apparently I'm unsuccessful because I'm immediately wrapped up into a scorching hug.
"Sorry," he mutters, as if it's his fault that sometimes the mere image of him reminds me of Jake.
Jake. Just the name makes me tense up.
Jacob Black was the only person that really knew me. We shared everything. There were no secrets between us, and we were often inseparable. I used to have a little thing for him. Ok, it was a big thing. I loved Jacob Black. I still do, I think. But who knows, it could have just been that we were so close, it only felt like love.
I shake my head. "No, you have nothing to apologize for." I pull back a little from his embrace and watch as he quickly tries to hide his pained expression; I can't tell if it's because I moved back or from something else. "I should be the one apologizing… if it wasn't for me, you could be sleeping right now."
He rolls his eyes. "Right, because it's your fault that you can't sleep and it's your fault that I'm here voluntarily."
Quil suddenly becomes serious, his brown eyes burning into my green ones. "I want to be here because you need me, and that is all that matters. Don't think for a minute that I don't want to be here, because I do. And I mean that."
The abrupt change of direction this conversation is going kind of startles me. Where did this come from?
Quil is still staring and for some reason, I can't seem break his gaze. He looks passionate, his face leaning down toward mine...
Wait. What am I doing?? Am I starting to get over him? No, it can't be. The idea of moving on doesn't feel quite rite yet. But Quil just makes the idea so much less scary and impossible...
It's getting way too weird and confusing, so I try to back up a bit and change the topic. "Well, nothing is wrong anyway. I'm just… tired." Again, he rolls his eyes, which I use as an opportunity to completely step out of the hug—I was starting to get sweaty and nasty from the strange heat he seemed to emanate, anyway. "So… you ready to go to the beach?"
"Yeah, let's go." We start walking towards First Beach, which is right over the Forks/La Push border. I don't live too far away from it, so it should be a fairly short walk.
As we walk, my thoughts continue to slip back to Jake. I remember the good times, before everything went downhill. I can pinpoint the day that happened too; the day Bella Swan got lost in the freaking woods.
I had known of Bella Swan before. She was all the townspeople talked about and her name frequently popped up in conversations around school; all before she even moved here. Daughter of the Chief of Police returns home to her birth-town at last. It was sickening.
And the day she finally arrived, all the boys drooled after her while all the girls stared at her in envy. It's not that she was even that pretty either-- she looked like a normal girl. But she soon snagged the heart of the heartthrob everyone wanted but no one could get—Edward Cullen.
I start to chuckle at the ridiculousness that is Edward Cullen, resulting in a questioning glance from Quil. "Nothing…"
Edward Cullen is supposedly one of the 'cold-ones' (aka vampires) from the La Push legends; you know the ones about the tribe members that were werewolves and defeated all the vampires that crossed into their land. Yeah, let's just say I don't believe in those legends one bit. But I still stayed clear of him and his family; something just wasn't right about them.
But what does this all have to do with Jake? She also snagged his heart upon her arrival. Still, while Bella was together with that Cullen freak, things between Jake and I were pretty much the same. That is, until her "vampire" boyfriend left her in the woods and she got freaking lost and her father called in all the guys from La Push to find her.
You should have seen Jake after that day. He was so worried for her because she was all mopey and depressed, it was sickening.
Then, that January, I was over Jake's again when a deafening roar came from outside. Jacob looked out the window and saw Bella with Billy's old truck. I was rushed out of the house with a quick goodbye. From that day on, every time I came over, that stupid truck was there. I knew that as a sign to stay away. He doesn't want to be bothered. Every time I called, Billy told me he was either busy, or not at home. As if.
But then one cold day in February, I had had enough. I walked out of my house around 9 and ran to Jake's. Hermione wouldn't care. She probably didn't know I left in the first place. And I had to talk to Jake, even if he didn't want to talk with me. He will talk to me, I had thought.
I banged on the door. I was greeted with a smiling Jacob. The kind of smile that would make you forget where you are. Forget your own name. Forget everything. I was wrapped into a bear hug, squished to death by huge arms. I hadn't seen him in a while, but his size was just ridiculous. We stayed up all night and just talked. He mostly talked about Bella, I mostly talked about Quil. He was the one that was there when Jake wasn't-- when he was with Swan. Jake said he was going to a movie with her and a couple of her friends tomorrow.
"Maybe you can come over tomorrow afterward and we can hang out," he said. If only that were true.
"Adri, what's wrong?" I jolt back to reality and find tears silently streaming down my face. Not only that, but my hand is wrapped in Quil's.
I wipe the embarrassing tears from my face with my other hand and force a smile. "Yeah... Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking... about something...But I'm okay now" I flash an even bigger smile at him. He doesn't look the least bit convinced, but goes along with it.
"Okay. If you say so." he says, looking away and completely dropping it.
Quil, I would tell you if it didn't break your heart as well. I'm not an idiot; I know he was your best friend, too. But I don't say anything about anything because I care about you.
But that's not what I say. Instead, my voice cracks on a lame "Yep."
Quil laughs and shakes his head at the obvious that is my misery. He squeezes my hand to let me know that it is all going to be okay.
And, for some reason, I don't remove my hand.
Thank god this is finally done. SO much editing and writing and rewriting and :pulls out hair: so frustrating. But now I'm on top and even ahead of my schedule so it is all good. I'm aiming on an update every Saturday, let's see how that goes ^^*
Hope you enjoyed it :) Comments/criticism are appreciated very much ^^
