Flight of the Phoenix
Chapter Thirteen – Coward
I gulped. I couldn't help it. The very idea that we even… God, I wanted to… but the chances of me hurting her were too high. Her safety was my only concern.
"Edward!" Bella screamed. "You just shifted everything again! Will you please stop over-thinking everything?"
"No. Not when your safety is concerned," I snapped back at her, anger evident in my tone.
"We need to know what happened to me in that vision. That vision hasn't changed… it's still there."
"Well, I can't help you there, since you refuse to show me the damn vision," I roared.
"Well, considering that you shudder from the mere thought of our wedding night, I can't imagine what seeing a vision where I'm covered in blood, dying, and naked would do to you." She huffed defiantly, turning away from me.
Then suddenly visions of us together in a small meadow surrounded by lush forest started to trickle in my mind. We were laying on a blanket, basking the in the sunlight. The vision swirled to where I was hovering over her small body, kissing her lips. Her hands were tangled in my hair, and my hand was… under the hem of her dress.
"Stop it, Bella!" I growled, taking several steps away from her. It was taking every bit of my control to stop myself from attacking her.
"No, you need to see that you won't hurt me," she pleaded. I shook my head and distanced myself further.
"I am a monster. I could hurt you with a mere finger, Bella." The vision continued, more vivid, the feelings also strong as my hand moved up her thigh, touching her... I growled.
"Stop!" I roared, causing her to cower away from me. Her eyes were wide and filled with fear. Her heart rate had increased – another sign of fear.
"See… I'm a monster," I said viciously, stalking toward her. "You're scared of me now. I can smell the fear in your blood. First and foremost, I crave your blood, Bella."
I knew I had to make it clear to her. I could never allow losing what little control I had. Being intimate would undermine my control, and my desire to keep her alive. I had to show her the monster I was capable of being.
I started with my first human victim. I replayed the memory in perfect clarity. The fear in his face as I batted him away from the woman he was trying to violate. The way his bones crunched from the sound as his back hit the brick wall of the dark alleyway. The way the small, scared woman screamed when she looked at me. She feared me, even though I had saved her, she saw me as the monster that I really was, before she ran.
I showed Bella when I hovered over the whimpering man that smelled of stale whiskey and smoke. I showed her the fear and utter terror that was etched across his face as I snarled at him before I bit down on his neck. I showed her my frenzied state as I sucked the blood from his dying body.
"Stop!" she sobbed as she fell to her knees, but I didn't relent. I showed her my next victim and the next. I went through them slowly, letting her see the monster that I'd been and still was.
"Stop, please!" she pleaded both out loud and in my mind. But I didn't stop. She needed to understand.
Suddenly, her thoughts were closed to me. She stood up, her face showing anger, her eyes blazing with an unknown fire I had yet to witness. "I felt everything he felt. I felt everything you felt." She gasped, clutching her chest.
"Now, it's your turn." Suddenly, I was met with an onslaught of images of us together, hundreds of them. I felt every feeling both mine and hers. I saw her beautiful naked body beneath my own, her face in ecstasy.
"Stop!" I growled, stepping away from her. Her thoughts went faster, but slow enough to feel everything like it was happening. I gasped for breath. She showed me everything, even the vision of her tattered body in my arms as Carlisle and I tried to save her.
I did the only thing I could do. I ran.
"You coward!" I heard her scream out loud and in my head.
I ran for miles. I didn't stop until I was deep in a forest. I fell to my knees after twenty minutes had passed.
In the last vision, there was no way she would survive as a human, losing that much blood. I was going to lose her. If I didn't change her, I would lose her.
You may have already lost her, idiot.
I heard her before she approached me. Then suddenly I was assaulted with several punches toward my body with small hands. Alice.
"How could you leave her like that?" she screamed at me. "How could you show her something so awful?" She continued her assault before continuing. "She's going to remember that for the rest of her existence." She punched me several more times before stopping.
"I'm going back to calm her down," she huffed. "If she lets me in." Alice rolled her eyes.
"What do you mean?" I looked up at her.
"When I saw what you were going to do to her, I tried to go in, but I couldn't. It's like she blocked the entire house. I tried every door and every window. I could just break something down, but I don't think she'd appreciate it," she said sheepishly.
"Alice, what the hell am I supposed to do?" I ran my hands through my hair before slowly lifting myself from the ground.
"Don't go back right now. If you do, you'll probably just say something stupid and make matters worse."
"What I did was awful… I lost all control of my anger. I lashed out at her," I said, my voice low and tinged with self-loathing. If I closed my eyes, the Bella I saw was the one with utter terror on her face.
"I don't know. You know her enough to know that she'll try to play it off, pretend that it was nothing, but there will always be a small part of her that will know what you can be capable of."
"I love her so much, Alice. But what she wants…" I trailed off, knowing Alice knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Well, I've had all the same visions Bella has had, trust us. You just need to let go." She shrugged her shoulders.
"How can I just let go? Her blood sings to me. What if I lose control while we're together like that?"
"You don't. You saw the vision. It's not you. I don't know how she gets that mangled up," she whispered, running the vision in her head. "You don't think it's one of the wolves, do you?"
I growled and roared in anger, uprooting a tree and flinging through the forest. They wouldn't. I'd kill them, all of them.
"We can't see anything before the incident, so that could be the reason. But why would she be attacked?" Alice tried to replay the vision over and over again in her mind.
"Stop, Alice. It hurts seeing her like that." I sighed, leaning against a spared tree. "Can you see anything after?"
"Just the one of you two running in a forest, and her eyes are red."
"So, she survives the attack, but only because we changed her." I closed my eyes. I didn't want to take her life and make her something like me.
"You may not want to change her, but your decision does not change the vision. It's still going to happen. Maybe it's Carlisle that changes her."
"He wouldn't if I asked him not to," I growled.
She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Honestly, tell me what you're going to do if you let her die?"
"Easy, I'll follow her," I stated, like it was obvious. This is one argument I'd grown tired of having. I'd had it with both Bella and my family.
"That's fucking stupid," Alice snorted while she crossed her arms across her chest.
"I don't have another choice," I snapped.
"You have to remember that technically she can die at any moment. Is that really enough time for you to spend with her?"
I shook my head. "I want to marry her, Alice. But the visions frighten me."
"I know they do, Edward. But I've seen the visions. You're not going to hurt her," she said. She was poised to continue but a vision came into her thoughts. She quickly started singing Britney Spears' latest hit in her head.
"But only because you start practicing before the wedding night." She giggled, her eyes filled with a secret.
I groaned. "What?" I looked at her in confusion.
"Yes, you need to build your tolerance level to be intimate with her before that night. So, you need to practice," she stated matter-of-factly, shrugging her shoulders.
"No. That is absolutely out of the question," I said firmly.
"You don't have a choice. She's already making plans." She giggled again but blocked her thoughts from me.
I groaned. This was not something that I needed right now. Practice would entail... touching ... I couldn't handle it. I knew I couldn't.
"I think you need not to fight it so much. It will make her feel better. When you turn her away she feels that she's not wanted. And if you set ground rules, it will make it easier for the both of you. It will put her at less risk."
"Is she going to forgive me?" I asked, my voice barely audible. She'd forgive me, right?
"I think you already know the answer," she whispered before disappearing into the lush forest behind me.
Not that you deserve it.
I decided to feed to be on the safe side. It had been a terribly long day already. Despite the endless energy that a vampire possessed, I felt like all my limbs were numb. I'd hurt her and in hurting her, I'd hurt myself.
Bella was right. I did over-think everything. A con of vampirism was a mind that was able to think many things at once.
I stayed away from home for another hour, before stopping to clean up yet again. After a shower and a change of clothes, I walked back into my living room, where Alice and Jasper were waiting.
"You can't go over there just yet," Jasper said, looking at me warily.
"Does she still not want me there?" I asked, as his thoughts were of Bella's feelings of abandonment, fear and her self-esteem issues came into his mind.
I sighed, running a hand through my hair in frustration. Alice gave a small smile and looked at Jasper, who nodded.
"We're going out for a while," Alice said before taking Jasper by the hand and quickly disappearing.
I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose and closing my eyes. I walked past my living room and into my formal living area where a black baby grand piano stood with a few wing chairs and a chaise that were settled near the fireplace.
I hadn't played in a while, but Alice insisted that I should have one here after I met Bella. I didn't understand the reason at the time. But she said that I just needed inspiration, and I had found that in Bella.
I started playing some of my favourites, including the composition I wrote for Esme. Soon I found myself composing something brought forth from my muse. I continued working areas until they were perfect before moving on. Soon it flowed beautifully from within my dead heart to my fingers and became Bella's Lullaby.
I felt terrible for hurting her and for showing her something so awful. In my rebellious years, I'd hunted and slaughtered hundreds of rapists, murders, paedophiles – the lowliest of humans possible. I'd fed on the blood of these monsters in human form, using my gifts to pass over the innocent. But in that time I'd found that I was just as much as a monster as they were. I'd made myself their judge, jury and executioner. I now thought that maybe I'd been looking for a way to destroy myself.
And I'd revealed this, the most horrendous period of my existence, to the one person that I loved the most. I'd revealed it in a way that she would never forget the images in her mind.
I was a monster.
I was the lion that feared the touch of a lamb.
So much had changed in such a short amount of time. Bella and I had only known each other for a few weeks. To an immortal it was a blink of an eye. But Alice was right, it was not enough if I suddenly lost Bella. She could really die any second now. I was selfish. I wanted a lifetime together, and if I was really honest with myself, it would be my lifetime. Forever.
I was essentially a selfish person, and I wanted more time with her. If she'll have you back, I thought to myself. I couldn't quell the fear that she might not forgive me, despite Alice's cryptic message that she would.
I continued playing from one song to the next for what felt like hours. I was just starting on Bella's lullaby when I heard and smelled her coming into the room.
I stopped for a moment, about to turn to face her, but she stopped me.
"Keep playing," she whispered.
I continued and answered the question that I was sure she was going to ask. "It's called Bella's Lullaby."
Suddenly, she was standing beside me. Since when did she move so quickly?
"Do you mind if I sit with you?"
I shook my head, keeping my eyes fixed on my moving fingers as they glided across the ivory and black keys.
Bella never did or said what I expected her to. She climbed on my lap, careful to avoid disturbing my playing, and straddled me. Her legs, clung to my hips as her arms wrapped around my neck. She leaned her head in the crook of my neck, sighing sweetly.
I sighed as she pressed herself as close as possible.
I couldn't deny it any longer. I wanted her. Soon I wouldn't be able to hide my desire for her.
Bella pressed her lips against the icy plane of my neck. She whispered, "I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you. You are not a coward. I know why you are doing this." Bella pressed her lips against me again and darted out her warm, wet tongue to taste me.
I groaned softly, my playing faltering slightly.
"I appreciate your concern for my safety, but it's unnecessary," she said softly, leaning her head on my shoulder.
I shook my head and stopped playing. "Bella," I whispered slowly, allowing my hands to glide down her back. "You may think it's unnecessary, but you can't deny that I may hurt you. I would never be able to live with myself if... I caused you pain."
I sighed before continuing. "You must believe me when I say that I am so sorry for what I showed you. I never should have let myself lose control of my anger. If I could erase what I did to you I would. I love you, Bella. Even though I don't deserve it, can you forgive me?"
Bella pulled away and looked into my eyes, her warm brown eyes boring into my honey-colored ones. She seemed to be searching for something. I wanted her to know that I wanted to be close to her, but my distance was only because of my concern for her safety.
She smiled softly and nodded. I sighed and carefully pressed her closer, allowing one of my hands to travel from her lower back to cradle her neck. My breathing hitched as her heart started beating faster. My eyes remained locked with hers, gauging her reactions. Underneath my fingertips I felt the quickening of her pulse. I swallowed the venom that pooled in my mouth, and I felt the fire lick my throat as I pressed my lips to hers. Her eyes closed, relaxing in my embrace. Her hands slowly moved from around my neck to my hair. I closed my eyes from the warmth emanating from her warm body, enjoying the sensation of her fingers raking through my hair.
Bella moaned softly, causing something to stir from the depths of my mind, my dead heart. I wanted more. The hunger for much more than her blood fueled my desire to have her closer. My hand cupping her neck slid into her hair while the other went from the small of her back to the middle, pressing her chest closer to my own.
I groaned, feeling the effect of my cold skin against her chest. I had to stop. My body started reacting, and I was already having difficulty controlling it. Bella seemed to sense what I was about to do because she slowly swept her tongue over my bottom lip, taking it in between her lips and sucking lightly.
Please, Bella.
She stopped and pulled away slowly. She pressed her forehead against mine, both of us catching our breath.
Are you okay? she asked, allowing her thoughts to open up to me again.
I nodded minutely. I felt the flow of blood pool in her face, causing me to smile. "Now was that so hard? We can move as slowly as you need, Edward," Bella said, sighing again before pulling away and sitting in between my legs with her back to my chest.
"Now, let's hear you play again."
I laughed, pulling her long hair to one side. I rested my chin on her shoulder and got comfortable. I started playing, telling her it was Esme's song. Bella smiled and continued watching the keys. "You know, love," I said, watching her expression of concentration, "you are bit of a distraction."
Bella laughed, causing her whole body to tremble beside me. "Well, let's see how much you can still concentrate, despite me distracting you." I chuckled but managed to continue.
"This is your song," I said softly. My fingers flowed over the keys, allowing the sweet melody of her song to fill the room. Bella continued to watch the keys, and then she put her hands on one of my own, stopping me.
I put my hands down on top of her thighs, wondering why she'd asked me to stop. She placed her fingers on the keys and started playing Esme's song.
"I memorized what you did, but I can't seem to get a hang of the tempo," Bella said, concentrating. I smiled and stopped her. I placed my hands on the keys again and asked her to put her hands on top of my own.
Together we played several songs, including her song. Bella smiled. "That was nice, Edward."
"It was lovely. Thank you for sharing something with me." Bella nodded, and then her stomach growled. She blushed, causing me to laugh.
"Come on, my little human, let's get you something to eat."
"It's late, so just a snack and I'm off to bed," Bella replied, yawning.
"Yes, love." I smiled and lifted her up and ran to her house. I sat her at the kitchen island snack bar and looked around the kitchen.
"What would you like?"
"A bowl of Lucky Charms would be perfect."
I nodded and grabbed a bowl and spoon and looked for the cereal in her pantry. Bella got up from the stool she was sitting on and grabbed the milk.
She poured herself a bowl and started eating. After a few moments of silence, she brought up the vision.
"I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but we need to."
I nodded in agreement.
"What do you think happened to me?" Bella asked in a whisper.
I shook my head. "I'm not sure. You look basically torn up. Alice had a theory, though."
"I thought of the wolves, too. Though I have no idea why they would attack me."
Leah. We both thought.
Bella shook her head. "I did hear how angry I made her. But for her to go against the pack, she wouldn't."
I nodded and sighed. "I think I know how to avoid breaking the treaty now."
Bella's brow furrowed. "I had a syringe of venom in my hand in the vision, Bella. Instead of biting you to inject the venom, I could just inject it straight to your heart."
Bella smiled and cocked an eyebrow. "You know that still won't sit well with the pack. But it doesn't go against the treaty, technically." I nodded my head in agreement.
She yawned and pushed her bowl away. I washed her dishes and put everything away as she went to get ready for bed. I locked up and walked toward her bedroom. She was sitting on her bed with a book in her hands, reading.
"You need some rest, love," I whispered, removing my shoes and socks to lie beside her.
"You're right," she said as she tried to stifle another yawn. "I have errands to run tomorrow before school in the evening."
I looked at her in confusion. "I have to go to the bank, run to the grocery store and look into joining the gym."
I cocked an eyebrow in question. She rolled her eyes. "What? I think it would help if I was a little more physically fit to help me control my powers. It makes sense to me."
I pictured her in the gym and accidentally hurting herself and falling off a treadmill. Bella huffed beside me and tried to push me off the bed. Of course, I didn't budge.
She got under the covers quickly and turned her back to me. I laughed and climbed in beside her. "Bella, I'm sorry. You have to admit, it could happen."
Bella sighed. "You're just jealous. Admit it. I'll be in a gym working out with others there watching me." She smirked as I growled.
Hell, I didn't even think of that.
"No. Don't even try to talk me out of it. I'm just looking into it for now. Who knows, maybe I'll just get an elliptical or something." Bella shrugged her shoulders and shifted her body so that she was facing me again.
I smiled and nodded.
No. That does not mean you can buy me one.
I pouted. This mind-reading thing was never going to allow me to surprise her.
She giggled. "That's right," she teased.
I rolled my eyes, pulling her closer to me. I settled on my back, and she laid her head on my chest while one of my hands ran up and down her back.
"Good-night kiss?" Bella asked.
I chuckled and nodded, knowing she was watching me.
She grinned and blushed slightly before crawling up on my body and placing her lips on my own, softly at first. She did the same as before, licking my bottom lip. I groaned, which only encouraged her more.
She placed both of her hands on either side of my face and deepened the kiss, pressing harder, trying to convey all the love and passion into this one kiss. I wrapped both of my arms around her and pulled her close, causing Bella's mouth to open slightly just as mine did.
I could taste her breath and her scent on my tongue. It was too much.
Bella literally flew away from me just as I ran to stand in the corner. I stopped breathing, pinching the bridge of my nose. We both remained quiet, the only sound was her breathing. I opened my eyes shortly afterward, and Bella was stuck to the ceiling again. I chuckled.
"I'm so glad I'm amusing you," she said stiffly.
"Sorry. Here, let me help you down," I said, closing the distance between us. I pulled her off and wrapped my arms around her.
"Bella, I'm –"
"Don't, Edward. I understand." She sighed and closed her eyes.
She might have understood but it didn't make it right.
***
Early the next morning, Bella left to run her errands while the sun decided to make an appearance today. Alice and Jasper were contemplating on heading homes, since Bella no longer required Alice's assistance.
"I think we'll stay a little longer. It would allow me to start looking for a house for the rest of us," Alice said brightly. Jasper and I nodded. I knew that I wasn't going to win any argument with her. Alice stuck out her tongue.
Shortly after two in the afternoon, Bella's thoughts started to scream in our heads.
Edward Anthony Cullen, you are so dead!
I looked at Alice, her eyes widening, showing me Bella at the bank, yelling at the teller.
Oh no, she'd found out I'd paid for her house in full.
Jasper said, "Alice, that's our cue to leave."
AN: Beta'd by lisa89, thank you. Please review.
