Title: Touch Me

Author: Raining on my Parade

Summary: Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

Disclaimer: No, even after this extended absence, I still do not own Kingdom Hearts

A/N: Yeahhh…..hey. So here's the new and improved chapter 3! New directions and everything. A lot of it's the same I think, but major change from here on out is that they don't go anywhere. So yeah. Sorry for the epically long wait, but it's all done now and this will be updated about every other day. All I ask is that you review to tell me what you think.

Oh! And as a heads up/warning thing: there shall be mature content at the end of the last chapter (which is done as of now), but nothing crude or anything shall be used to describe it, because really, this is meant to be a sweet, caring relationship. Which means we can't have them suddenly referring to everything in ways that would take them out of character for this fic. So, now that the warning is over with, enjoy please!

Oh hey! Hey look! I gave the chapters names too! Aren't I so cool?

Guide: ~~~Sky~~~ or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!


Chapter 3 : Unwell

~~~Sky~~~

You haven't come by in three days. I'm worried, but also sort of relieved. Should I be? I don't even know. I'm confused.

I miss you.

I don't miss you.

I've been hanging out with Tidus instead. When I realize that you aren't coming to pick me up like you always used to, I go out and look for him.

Tidus knows that's the reason I'm spending so much time with him, although I always say I really do want to spend time with him, even if you were supposed to come over. He doesn't argue, but he knows it's not the complete truth. It doesn't stop the guilty feeling. Tidus just goes on and forgives me though, saying I'm a nice distraction too. We laugh and go on, trying to forget the pain and just have a little fun, because that's all we really can do. Laughter is the best medicine, so I've heard. If that's true though, I may just be allergic to it, since it doesn't seem to be doing much good. That doesn't stop me from trying my best.

"Ow!" I hold my injured head and look at Tidus, who just hit me over the head, with a pout. He just grins.

"Stop thinking and let's go get some ice cream," he says and then runs off laughing. I run after him after a moment, laughing just the same. I really do try my best, and it helps that Tidus can tell when I'm thinking of you.

~~~Land~~~

Avoidance was probably not the smartest strategy, but it seems to be effective enough. It's already been over a week since I started avoiding you. From the glimpses I see of you, you're always laughing with Tidus. You're happy as you should always be. Sometimes I wonder if you think about my absence. You haven't come to find me yet, so I assume you don't. Really, why should you if I'm the one who has been causing you pain? I'm jealous, of course (I won't deny it anymore), when ever I see you with Tidus, but I know that you'll just get sad again if I try to reestablish myself by your side. I don't want that, so I stay away.

I'm glad you've found something to make you happy again though, even if it isn't me.

I cough suddenly, needing to stop walking in order to keep myself from falling over. A dizzy spell hits hard, and I try to stay still even as the ground beneath me seems to be moving around every which way. I squeeze my eyes shut, and it ends as quickly as it came. I don't feel any better. I feel worse. But I don't know what to do about it.

I haven't been feeling well in this past week. At first it was barely noticeable. A cough here or there. Nothing too serious. A few days ago it was the same, but I felt a little more tired than usual. Now, it's grown into fits and dizzy spells. I think if I have the flu, even if it doesn't seem like any flu I've ever had. One can never be too careful, though, I guess. I should probably go home and rest, and then tell my mom about it when she gets back tonight. She over reacts to things, but I'll need help if it's something worse. Readjusting the plastic bags of groceries my mom asked me to get for real this time in my hands, I decide I need to get home as soon as possible. I can feel a wave of tiredness chasing after me as I go.

I start walking faster. I don't get very far when a voice calls out my name. I wish for a second that it's you, because it's been more than a week since I've heard your voice actually addressing me, but it's too high. I don't even know what I would do if it were you. Run away probably. Or try to at least. I don't know if I would get very far in my condition.

"Riku! Hey!" It's Kairi.

I stop and turn. She comes running from where I had just come from. She stops with a smile and catches her breath.

"Hey," I say without much enthusiasm. The wave hits and crashes over me, leaving me feeling even more drained than the last one. I just want to get home and lay down now. I don't want to deal with her.

"Hey," she repeats with a smile. She spots the bags in my hands. "Going home?"

I nod, hoping she'll tell me what she wants quickly and then leave me alone. Of course, it doesn't happen.

"I'll help! Selphie's away visiting family so I've been bored all day with nothing to do. Hey, let's go find Sora and hang out after you drop these off! It's been way too long since we all did that," she says happily. She doesn't notice my eyes widen as she reaches for one of the bags.

"No," I say quickly. She pauses and looks up with confusion. I realize that I may have refused that too quickly, but I don't care. I can't see you. I don't want your questions if you have any, and I don't want to know that you may not have noticed my absence at all.

"I can carry these," I explain, trying to make up an excuse. She doesn't know how I feel, and I want to keep it that way. She also doesn't know that I've been avoiding you, another thing I want to stay as it is. "And Sora's hanging out with Tidus. Maybe we could do it tomorrow."

I don't sound as excited about this as I should, considering. She frowns and I feel like she can see through me. It's unpleasant. I don't want her to see. See that I've caused you so much misery. See that I'm miserable myself. See that I'm sick. I'm so sick. I start to feel dizzy again, so I shut my eyes and hope it will pass quickly. It does, but when I open my eyes, Kairi's giving me a concerned look.

"You okay?" she asks. There's only worry behind her words. Somehow it makes me feel guilty. She shouldn't be worrying over me. No one should.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired," I say, shrugging the dizzy spell off as best as I can. I turn to start walking home again. "I need to get this home. You can tag along if you like."

"Oh, it's only the one thing I've been waiting to do my whole life!" she replies as if she were a fan girl agreeing to whatever her idol wanted her to do. She follows beside me. Eventually she wrestles a bag from one of my hands, insisting that she should help. She chatters on about menial things that I only half listen to, the things she recently bought on a shopping trip, what she and Selphie had been doing before the brunette girl's departure, what she thinks we should do for my birthday. August 22nd. It's coming up soon. Just a month from now, and I'll be eighteen. Officially I will be an adult. It's strange. I already feel much older than an adolescent. I've seen things people shouldn't see, been places most people will never go. I've matured, but it's to be expected after everything that has happened.

I walk into my house. Mom is gone, at work as expected. Dad is never home because he's never been in the picture. It didn't matter though. Mom and I always got through fine as we were. Kairi and I go to the small kitchen and set the bags down on the table. I begin distributing everything to their rightful places, and Kairi takes a seat, watching me. She doesn't say a word, an odd change from before when she was talking about anything and everything. I don't prompt her. I just put food away and wait for her to begin.

At last she does.

"How have you been?" she asks, catching me a little off guard. I glance at her. She's playing with a loose string on her shirt, trying to get it off. She looks uninterested, like it's something she asks every day, and it is. But I realize that there's something more behind what she's asking. I get out a pair of scissors and hand them to her before going back to putting things away. "Thanks."

I shrug and say, "I've been fine."

She doesn't comment on the lie. I'm not sure if she caught it or not. Instead she asks, "Where have you been all week?"

"Around," I answer, aware of just how vague it is. It's the truth though. I haven't had a place to be. I've lost my place, although I suppose I should say I've given it up. I can feel her eyes on my back, and when I turn around to get the last of the food, she tries to stare me down. I ignore it and finish up in the silence. I turn around and lean against the counter, folding my arms across my chest and looking at the floor, not really sure what else to say to her. Eventually she sighs and looked down at her hands which she folds in front of her on the table.

"Look I don't know what's up with you, but you know I'm here for you right?" She glances up, a small frown on her face. I can see where this is going. "You know you can talk to me. You have people who care about you—"

"I told you I'm fine, Kairi."

"—and you have people who worry about you!" she continues as if I hadn't said a thing. Her eyebrows are pulled down. I can see the worry in her eyes from earlier coming back full force.

"I know," I say firmly. "But really, I'm—"

Coughing interrupts my insistence, ruining any chance I had of possibly convincing her that what I was saying was true. When it stops, I'm bent over, throat raw and Kairi next to me, hand on my back rubbing soothing circles. I realize that this is definitely worse than I had thought it to be.

"Fine? I'm pretty sure hacking up a lung doesn't constitute as 'fine.'" She pushes me to sit down at the table as I pull breath into my tired lungs.

"I know. I know I'm sick." In more ways than one. "But I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me." I want to tell her she shouldn't be here, but I can't find it in me to push her away. Not when she's looking at me like that.

"Don't tell me not to be worried. You know it'll just make it worse. Imagine if Sora knew." My jaw clenches. It's tiny, but she sees it. "I know you haven't seen him all week either. And you know he's there for you too. He would be more worried than me if he saw you're doing to yourself. He is worried already."

I shake my head, frowning. You can't be worried. Why would you be? I was causing you trouble before, I was bringing you down. Hearing this from Kairi, I don't want to believe it. It makes me want to run to you and assure you that I'm fine (even though I am sick, which I'm feeling is getting worse as this conversation goes on). It makes me want to forget why I'm staying away from you in the first place. But I can't. Not until I can trust myself around you, though I'm not sure I ever will.

I stand up. I don't want to hear anymore. Even if I feel like I shouldn't push her away when she looks so worried, I want to be alone again. It's so much easier to stay away when I'm alone, when there isn't a reminder of you.

"Riku, come on, listen to me," Kairi pleads, grabbing my arm. She tries to push me back into the chair, but I resist, just trying to get around her. All I want to do is sleep and forget. I feel miserable, both from whatever this sickness is and the fact that I'm horrible for wanting to break my resolve. She doesn't let go.

"I know something's wrong. I won't force you to tell me anything, but you shouldn't be shutting yourself away like this! You're sick already, and I know you don't take care of yourself when you're anxious over something—"

"Kairi…" I try to interrupt. The room is beginning to spin again. It's worse this time. It's nauseating, and I'm just barely keeping a grip on myself. She doesn't stop.

"No, just listen already. Stop trying to push everyone away. I can see what you're doing—"

"Kairi." I need her to stop. This doesn't feel like just a dizzy spell anymore. I can see blackness creeping into the edges of my vision and for a moment I'm terrified before I realize that it's just the possibility that I may faint soon. I need to sit, but her grip on my arm is keeping me up. I can't find any energy to pull away anymore. She doesn't notice.

"Don't try to deny it Riku. It's what you always do. It's gotten worse ever since—"

"Kairi!" I say with all the strength I can muster at this moment. She stops and finally takes a good look at my face, which I know has to be white as a piece of paper. I can feel a cold sweat cropping up across my forehead. My eyes clench shut, trying to lessen this dizzying sensation.

"Riku," she breathes. I can hear the guilt in her voice for not having noticed my predicament earlier.

Before she can even ask, I give her an answer, "I'm definitely not fine."

And then I collapse into the inviting darkness.

When I wake up, I hear familiar, fuzzy voices, feel a blinding headache stabbing my brain, and a cold sweat covers my burning skin. My eyes begin tearing up from the pain and heat as soon as they open. I blink a few times for clarity and take in where I am. The last thing I remembered was Kairi and the kitchen. Now when I look around, not daring to move my head too much for fear of making the stabbing worse, I see that I've been taken to my room. I recognize the off white ceiling, the poorly made wooden ships that you and I made when we were younger hanging from it, the boring walls covered with posters and pictures and little toy cars that we nailed along a road we drew in weaving through it all. It's familiar. It's safe. I briefly wonder how in the world Kairi got me here, being the stick that she is. It doesn't last though. I just want to go back to sleep.

The fuzzy voices are muffled and probably somewhere down the hall from my room. I can't hear what they say, but I let the murmur lull me back into the depths of darkness.

The next time I wake up, the house is silent. It is night time and moonlight spills across my room, hitting piles of dirty clothes and other various discarded things. The pain and heat persist, but I'm still too tired to really care. It's uncomfortable, but by instinct I know that any excessive movement would only make it more so. I hear clomping footsteps make their way through the hall. They stop in front of my door and after a few minutes, the door cracks open. No lights are on in the hallway, so there's only a dark silhouette that peeks into my room. I turn my head slowly to whoever it is and see my mother's face in the moonlight. It's tired, worn, and worried, and as soon as she sees that I'm looking blearily at her, she enters the room fully.

"Hey, how're you feeling?" she asks quietly as she comes and kneels by my bed. She smoothes back bangs that stick to my sweat forehead with a cool hand that feels good against my burning skin.

"Horrible," I reply in a horse voice, but still managing to give her a smile. She smiles back and strokes my hair in that motherly way she always used to when I was younger.

"I would imagine so. You have a cold apparently. I told the doctor people don't just keel over from a cold, but he said that was probably from fatigue." She pauses. "Is everything okay, hun? I know I'm not here as much as either of us would like, but I like to know what's going on in your life and I wouldn't be a good mother if I didn't ask."

"Everything's fine mom. Just didn't get very much sleep last night." It's a lie and I feel horrible as I say it. The smile feels forced, but I'm sure she attributes it to the fact that I'm sick. "Don't worry about it."

She sighs. "If you say so honey. I just don't want you to keep everything to yourself all the time. You tend to do that, and that's never good for your health obviously. Even if you can't tell me about it, please find someone you can talk to. You can't always do everything yourself."

My chest starts to hurt with her words. Still, I have to keep this to myself. I may not be able to do everything by myself, but I have to do this by myself. There's no one that can help me get over you, and it's definitely nothing anyone else needs to know.

"I know mom. Everything's fine, really," I say before a coughing fit starts. She's up and out of the room before I'm done, and then back soon after it stops with a glass of water in her hand. She asks if I can drink it myself, and I say yes, because I think I have just enough strength to do it. She props me up, a comforting hand rubbing circles on my back, as my shaky hands take the glass and bring it to my lips. The cool liquid feels good against my raw throat, and the glass is drained within seconds. I can feel fatigue overtaking me again as I lay back down.

Mom leaves again with the glass to refill it, and takes a washcloth with her that I hadn't noticed was crumpled beside my head on the pillow. She comes back and sets the glass on the nightstand. The washcloth is placed on my forehead, cold and damp and wonderful against the persistent heat. She smoothes my hair back again and places a kiss on my cheek with a warm, worried smile.

"You should get some rest. Maybe you'll feel better in the morning."

I smile back, eyelids already drooping closed. "I hope so."

She gives me one last kiss on the cheek and leaves the room quietly, no heavy, clomping footsteps this time. My thoughts swirl for a moment before I go back to sleep. I wish everything I felt right now was like this fever I have. I wish that I could go to sleep and sweat it out overnight, so that everything would be better in the morning. Things would be so much simpler then. I wouldn't have to hide, and everything would really, truly be fine again. Oh how I wish I could…

When morning comes, I still feel horrible. The sun from my window hits my eyes and wakes me. Mom checks in on me, brings me food, and tells me that Kairi will be over later before she leaves for work. It's not that she doesn't want to stay and take care of me herself, it's that she has to keep working in order to keep her job. I know this and she knows this, but it doesn't stop her from looking guilty as she leaves my room, keys and things in hand.

In the wake of the silence her departure leaves, I manage to sit up myself and drink the fresh water she brought me. I get through a quarter of the soup before I feel my stomach curling in on itself, ready to heave. I lay back down and wait for the sensation to pass, and while I do, I hear Kairi enter the house. She heads straight to my room, and I only realize that there are two sets of footsteps just before the door to my room swings open to reveal both her and the very one I've spent over a week avoiding, you. There's no chance to flee, as I very much doubt that I could get up at this point, and there's no way for me to ask you to leave without raising questions from Kairi as well. So I stay there, curled up on my side, waiting for my stomach to settle and for you to leave so that I can continue with my plan of avoidance.

"Riku, how're you feeling?" you ask.

It's annoying how just hearing your voice still makes my heart speed up.

I curl into myself more, certain that my pounding heart is making a racket loud enough for all to hear. "Just peachy," is the unconcerned, sarcastic remark I bite back. I don't look at you because after a week away, I just know I'll stare. All I see is the white sheets of my bed and the edge of a dark green shirt I know belongs to you in my peripheral vision.

"Did you eat?" Kairi asks. I hear a chair from my desk being dragged over and then someone sitting in it. I don't look up to see who.

"Yeah. It isn't agreeing with me though."

"Are you gonna throw up?" you ask. It sounds close and I curl into myself even more.

It's annoying how you being so close still makes me want to touch you.

"I'll be fine. It's passing."

"You sure?" you ask again. I feel a hand run through my hair lightly, too big to be Kairi's, but still smaller than my own. It takes all my control not to flinch away from the touch.

It's annoying just how much I just want to hold your hand, go to sleep, and wake up knowing that you'll still be there.

"Riku, here. I have something that'll help with that," Kairi says, now just as close as you are. Your hand retreats and I finally look up. I try to focus just on Kairi, not letting my eyes glance over your worried expression. She has two pills in her hand that is outstretch toward me. With a slow nod, I start to get up on my own. My arms shake and before I can say anything, you're holding me up and rubbing comforting patterns on my back, just like my mom did last night.

Stop. I want to tell you. Stop it.

I keep the words to myself and swallow them down with the water and pills Kairi offers. I drain the rest of the glass and gently push you away to lie back down. I don't want you so close. I don't know what I'll do if you stay that close, even if I am sick. I still don't trust myself enough, even after a week. I don't look to see what kind of expression you make when I push you away. I don't want to see if you're hurt (which is a lie, because I hate it when I hurt you), and I don't want to see if you don't even care.

I'm so selfish and such a coward…

…I hate myself.

"Thanks," I say, if only to fill the silence. I curl back up, waiting for the medicine to kick in and wanting to ignore your presence. It definitely isn't as easy as I wish it were. My eyes are closed after a while and I force my breathing to even out, just to fake falling asleep. Maybe you will leave if I do this. I don't know. I just don't want to have to confront you, even if Kairi is there. This is torture, trying to push you away like this, and every second I spend trying to do it, keeping myself still instead of reaching out and pulling you to me (if I even could), it gets harder and harder to do.

"You don't have to stay, you know," Kairi says after a while, to Sora I assume. "Tidus is gonna miss you."

I keep the twitch at the sound of his name still and push the wave of jealousy back. I have no right, and besides, I'm pretending to be asleep now.

"He's practicing with a few guys from his blitzball team today, he'll be fine without me," you reply, completely serious and still next to me from what I can tell. I hear Kairi scoff.

"I wouldn't know, seeing as how you've both been practically glued to each other. What happened? I thought you usually hung out with Riku."

"I don't always have to hang out with Riku," you snap back. I can't hide the flinch from the blatant rejection, so I try to make it seem like I'm just adjusting myself in my sleep. I can feel your eyes on me, and your voice is quieter the next time you speak. "Tidus needed someone to talk to and help get his mind off things, so I decided to be there for him. I can't help it that Riku never showed up to hang out with us."

"What if Riku was just waiting to spend some time with you without Tidus?" I wasn't (I was), but I hold my tongue and wish that this argument moves somewhere else. I don't need a confirmation and reminders that you really don't care like you used to or that you're letting me hold on because I'm a pity case. "Don't you think you were being a little selfish, assuming Riku would just join you whenever?"

There is no answer.

"Something's bothering him," Kairi says, quieter than before after a few seconds.

Again you don't answer, and Kairi doesn't continue. We all stay where we are, suspended in a moment, in the silence, and I feel like a weight has settled on me. It starts in my head, sinking into my brain, and settles on my chest. It's something like a fear. I want you both to leave, but I can't do anything. I'm supposed to be asleep. I'm being a coward and hiding from you, so that I can have as little interaction with you as possible. Kairi doesn't say anymore to you, and I don't hear you speaking either. I feel tense in the silence as I just focus on staying still until eventually I am able to relax in the tension and darkness pulls at my mind again.

I want you both to leave, but I hear neither of you make a move as I find myself falling asleep yet again (for real this time). I shouldn't be causing so much worry, so much fuss. Kairi shouldn't be getting concerned if something's bothering me, I'll handle it. And she most definitely shouldn't be telling you her concerns of me. I don't want you involved because I'm not involving myself with you anymore.

How long will this have to last, I wonder? How long do I have to keep myself away from you before this sickness goes away?


A/N: So! Remember, even though I've been a bad author for letting this go without an update for half a year, please click the pretty review button and let me know your thoughts. Okay? Thank you very much for reading!