Title: Touch Me

Author: Raining on my Parade

Summary: Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.

Disclaimer: it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts

A/N: Next chapter here we go! Told ya it'd be up quick.

Guide:

~~~Sky~~~ or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!

~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.

Also, this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!


Chapter 4 : Courage, Coward

~~~Sky~~~

You aren't awake when I visit you the next day, without Kairi. It gives me a cold feeling in my stomach, like maybe you knew I was coming and didn't want to talk. You've certainly given me that impression from yesterday. The entire time I was there, you barely said a word directly to me and you never once looked at me.

It makes me sad.

It makes me angry.

But most of all, it makes me feel as though you hate me, and I don't want that to happen. I can't imagine what I've done now. I haven't seen you in a week, so I couldn't have possibly done anything. Maybe it was something from before I found Tidus…I wonder as I look around your room and then back to your sleeping form.

You look so peaceful and my heart lifts a little at this. You deserve this peace. I know you beat yourself up over things that aren't your fault all the time. You need a reprieve from it all once in a while.

Words from the day before float into my mind, from Kairi.

"What if Riku was just waiting to spend some time with you without Tidus?"

You couldn't have been. You've never waited to do that before. You would always just pull me aside or say that you wanted to hang out alone. I figure you being mad at me for something is more plausible than anything else. You tend to keep those things to yourself anyway.

The door opens quietly, and there is Kairi. She looks a little surprised to see me, but she smiles right after. Her eyes glance to your bed, and she quietly walks further into the room, leaving the door open.

"Hey," she says quietly. I nod a greeting with a weak smile of my own before looking back to you. She doesn't say anything about it. Instead she pulls up another chair to sit beside me. In her hand is a book which she promptly opens and begins reading.

Of course, I don't expect her to be silent forever.

"You don't have to come every day you know," she says.

"I know," I reply.

I just want to see you.

"He may not wake up for a while. He slept a lot yesterday too," she says.

"..."

I'm ready to wait just to see you up and hopefully better than yesterday. I don't care if you ignore me again. I just want to see you well. Or so I tell myself.

A question burns up past my throat in the patient silence, more a thought spoken out loud than an actual question meant to be asked (though I know I want to hear the answer to it).

"Do you think we could start over? Riku and I?" I ask quietly, watching as you flip in your sleep to face the wall. The thin sheets uncover lean, alabaster muscle shining with a thin sheen of sweat no doubt from the fever that has set in. I stare at it, an indulgence that I shouldn't be taking part in, and then lean over to cover you again both so that you'll be warm and Kairi won't notice the hunger in my eyes. It's a hunger that makes me want to run my fingers across your abs, kiss your chest, and taste every part of your body. It's a hunger I've been trying to avoid because I know it's quite impossible for it to be fulfilled. And so I look to Kairi, because I want her to say yes. I want her to say that everything can be fixed. I want her to say that this hunger will go away.

But of course she doesn't. She doesn't know about it in the first place.

"Are you two fighting?" she asks, a little confusion lining her voice. She looks thoughtful and a small frown of concern has appeared. It seems to be showing up more often, which I feel guilty about. I blame myself for that. You too, but mostly myself. Because either I'm the reason for whatever this tension between us is or I'm blowing everything out of proportion, and it's only making Kairi concerned.

"I don't know," I say truthfully, "he doesn't tell me anything anymore." Which is true as well, and it's bugging the crap out of me. I wish you would just talk to me like you used to.

"Maybe you're both drifting apart then."

She says it so matter-of-factly, as if things like that happen everyday (which they do, though I never dreamed it would happen between us), or that it was bound to happen at some point. My eyes just widen. She shrugs to the fear in my face. "It happens. You've both been spending time away from each other; you don't seem as close as you used to be. It's either that or you're in a fight."

I shake my head in disbelief. Horrible possibilities pass through my mind all at once. I don't want to let you go. I don't want to be without you. I don't want you to be mad at me and I don't want you to forget about me either.

I look to Kairi and see her comforting half-smile as she waits for my mini mental breakdown to pass. I ask her silently for an answer, for a way to fix all this. And it's like she can read my mind.

"I can't tell you what's wrong Sora. You have to ask him," she tells me after a while. With a sigh, she turns to look at you, still sleeping peacefully and unaware. "He's stubborn, so if something really is bothering him, you know you'll have to keep pestering him. Besides, if anyone can get what's wrong with him out in the open, it's you Sora. He trusts you the most, and I know he wouldn't want to lose that."

A cool breeze floats in and flutters the sheer drapes over your window. My eyes trace your face, memorizing the features I already know so well, trying to gather my thoughts.

"I don't know anymore, I say in a small voice that I hate and know has all the fear and confusion and hurt that I've held in that one sentence. Suddenly Kairi is up and hugging me from behind and laying her head against the top of my head.

"Just ask him. He may not answer you right away, but he will eventually." She kisses the top of my head with the sisterly affection she's grown into between us. It makes me feel a little better to know that she's there for me. "Just hang in there, okay?"

I squeeze the thin arm looped around me and she lets go. I turn back and grin up at her with a little more confidence than before. "I will."

She nods and moves aside as I get up. You're still asleep, but I can wait another day. I doubt that you'll tell me right away, though you used to, and I kind of doubt that I'm absolutely ready to open this can of worms. I need a little time to prepare myself for rejections and for what I will say. Even if it hurts, I want to see this through though. Because, even if I want you for myself, you are my friend first. I want to find what I can do for you and make you happy before anything else may happen. That's really all I want (mostly…).

I don't go back to see you for a few days. I spend that time with Tidus. I watch him practice and think about what I should say to you. He understands why I'm spacing, and leaves me be when he has things to do. But that doesn't mean he just leaves me alone while I follow him around blindly. When he has time, he pulls me out to the real world. He reminds me that my world isn't just you. He reminds me that as much as I want to fix this, I can't forget about everything (and everyone) else in the mean time.

So I let him pull me back because I know he means well and I feel I need a distraction. Getting stressed won't do me any good, that much I know.

"You should just wing it. You're not very good at the whole planning things out anyway," Tidus says one day. Practice has ended for him, so now we're just passing a ball back and forth. No fancy tricks since I don't know any, just passing for lack of anything better to do. He tells me this after a comfortable silence has settled in and when I miss the ball for a third time. It gets my attention, and I pout when what he has said finally sinks in.

"You're not much better," I reply, knowing he's talking about my dilemma with you. I don't see much point in keeping things from him now since he already knows how I feel for you. And it's nice to have someone to talk things out with. I pick up the ball I missed and toss it back to him. He catches it and shrugs.

"Didn't say I was." He throws the ball back. "I was just giving a suggestion since you seem to be thinking this hard about it."

I think about it a moment. I'm really not good at planning anything. Ever. I can recall a few times when I tried, and many things went wrong. So I suppose it's safe to say I'm more of a spontaneous person. Finally the thought comes to me that maybe that's how I have to go about this. Spontaneously. Either way, Tidus is right once again (he usually is, I've learned) and I'm kind of glad now that he accidentally found out and every so often helps me out. I grin at him, forgetting about the ball I forgot to catch so that I can run up and give him a hug.

"Thanks!" I say sincerely. The urge to see you now and finally have it out blossoms all at once in my chest, but I reel it in for a moment. I don't want to just ditch Tidus. He's my friend too, and I don't want him to feel any less important to me. So I pull back and ask him silently for permission to go. He doesn't look at me, but a smile is on his lips.

"I'm not going to stop you, ya know? I've been trying to cheer you up because of this, I'm not going to make you wait until tomorrow to fix it."

His cheeks are red, I guess from embarrassment of the sudden hug, or maybe it's bashfulness at having helped me. I don't really know, but it's quite adorable. I don't give it much more thought other than that to hug him again with another thanks to make his cheeks even more red before I run off to find you.

~~~Land~~~

I'm a bit bewildered and I'm a bit lost.

I'm part mad, part depressed, and part happy.

To say the least, I'm very confused right now. So much so that I'm really not sure what I should do.

I've been bedridden these past few days. I'm sick and recovering and feel like crap. And then to add to it, you (whom I've been trying very hard to avoid and had been doing a relatively good job of until now) decide to pop in every once in a while to ask how I am and if anything is wrong. You pin me with accusing stares. You trap me with a grin. You make me speechless with your concern.

I don't want it.

I want it.

I want you.

I don't want you.

I'm having a war inside my head every time you're around. Since I can't go anywhere, I have to stay put and wait for you to be satisfied and leave. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to successfully fake sleeping, but it doesn't always work. You just sit and stay and I can feel your eyes on me for hours before either I give up or you do. It never deters you from coming back the next day though.

You need to stop before it all comes out. You don't need to know why I'm acting this way. You need to just leave me be until I'm ready and able to be near you again.

It's frustrating. It's maddening.

I never say much when you catch me up. You talk enough for the both of us, but I know you're trying to fill in the silence. I know you want to know. I'm working hard to make sure you won't.

But now I'm better. I can move around. I'm not at my best, but it's been a while since I've been at my best. At least now I can leave. At least now I don't have to sit still. It feels wonderful to be able to get up again without thinking I'm going to pass out or throw up.

I change and shower, which makes me feel even better. Nothing is like a hot shower to clean away a sickness (or most of it anyway). It's when I get out of the shower that I hear something. It's too early for my mother to be home from work. Selphie has returned and Kairi told me that they were going to be together the whole day. I can only assume it is one person.

I panic for about three seconds before I open my window and jump out. Lucky for me my house is only one story high.

I'm gone as soon as my feet touch the grass of my yard.


A/N: and we come to the end of this. Different from what it was, right? Let me know what you think of it by clicking the pretty review button even if you don't like it! Thank you very much for the reviews on the last chapter. I'm really glad people still like this so much!