Title: Touch Me
Author: Raining on my Parade
Summary: Before Kairi came, you were just mine. Then you became hers and mine. Now you're just yours. And I can't touch you. No matter how hard I try, you are always out of my grasp.
Disclaimer: it's on my wish list, but it seems like it won't be coming true anytime soon…therefore I still don't own Kingdom Hearts
A/N: And now for the resolution. Only the epilogue after this one, and then it's done! Oh my, that went fast (especially since I got this all finished before posting the new chapters)! You're all seriously wonderful for reading and reviewing and sticking with this. Thank you very much, I love you all!
Guide:
~~~Sky~~~ or ~~~Land : These normally begin a section and tell whose point of view it's in. Sky is Sora, and Land is Riku. Keep this in mind, people, it's helpful to know who is talking!
~~~: this just means it's a break in either Sora or Riku's section. Either it's a time skip or a scene change.
Also, this takes place after KH 2, so yes, all events in the games apply. And that's about it for now. If anything else comes up, I'll be sure to add it. Enjoy!
Chapter 6 : Moment of Truth
~~~Land~~~
"What?" is the whisper I hear, so soft that I almost don't.
I clench my fists tight.
I can do this.
"Forget about me. You'll be better off if you don't chase me around. It's not going to bring anything good anyway," I say. I feel like it's such a strain to say these words, but somehow they manage to come out without a waver.
I can do this.
"Riku—"
"It's not like you've done anything wrong. I'm just not someone you should be chasing after." It's nonchalant, but not uncaring. I have to say this. I don't want you thinking this was your fault.
"Riku. I don't want to," you say strongly. I can hear the determination in your voice, the defiance, and I wish it weren't there. I wish you could just accept this and not make it harder for me than it already is. "I don't care what you say—"
"You don't have to care what I say. You shouldn't be caring about me at all."
I'm regretting having taken you to my house. What was I thinking? All I wanted was a quiet place we could talk. I didn't need to take you all the way here.
I can't look at you. I know I'll lose my nerve if I do.
"You can…go if you want," I start. I rub the back of my neck and keep my head turned to the side, away from you. Out of my peripheral I can see you just standing there, though I can't quite see your expression. "I'm sorry for dragging you all the way here; I just…needed to tell you that."
You don't say anything but you don't move either. It's over though. I've said what I needed to say, and now I'm just waiting for those words to sink in for you.
I did it.
I hope I did.
I don't know how much longer I can go without giving in.
But then the silence passes and you speak.
"Riku…I'm not just going to leave without an explanation." I clench my fists tight. "I was looking for you because I want to know why. Why, Riku. Not just that I have to forget you because you think it's "for my own good," but a real reason why you are doing this."
Stop making this harder than it should be.
You sigh and then mimic my thoughts, "You're making it so much harder than this should be."
It makes me look up.
It makes me make eye contact with you.
It makes my heart stop.
You step closer and grab my arm, as if you're afraid I'll run away, like you did on the boardwalk. I'm tired of running away though, but it doesn't stop the instinct to want to try. I couldn't move if I tried though, even without you here to anchor me. Your statement has me pinned, and now your eyes, those beautiful deep blue eyes, are boring into mine refusing to let go as well. I don't want to see this.
"Riku. Please," you plead, determination still set in your expression. My heart clenches. I don't want to hear this. "Let's talk this out. We used to be able to tell each other anything. I don't understand what happened. I just want to understand."
"Sora…"
I don't want to say this.
"Please?"
I don't want you to know.
I give a mental sigh, and I feel everything I've been working for crumbling. You just look too sad, so serious, so confused and I can't help but want to fix it all. I suppose I should have expected this to happen, this beginning of a break down, when I went to seek you out after running from you all this time. I should have expected you to want more of an explanation, but I just wanted you to accept what I had to tell you and then leave. You don't work like that, though, and I've known you long enough to know that's true.
I tear my eyes away from your own in my last attempts to keep at least some things from you and make this sound like a believable reason.
"Sora. I'm not…healthy. I'm sick. I don't know when I'll be better, but as long as I'm around you it'll only get worse."
"You're…sick? Did you catch another cold? Are you taking care of yourself?" you interrupt quickly, eyes scrutinizing. I know what they're looking for and I know they won't find anything, physically at least. I've been taking care of myself, because I've already promised to do so to you and everyone else after they realized I wasn't. I really am sick though. Mentally so, and I want to get better. I take a step back as I see a hand, your hand, reaching out for me. I step back out of your grasp on my arm.
Don't touch me.
You'll be tainted.
"I'm just sick Sora. I can't be near you now, so it's better if you just forget about me for now and just go," I say. It's said with finality. I want this to be the end of it. Of course, you don't hear. You just glare at me stubbornly as your hand drops back to your side.
"No."
What?
"I'm not just going to go. I've already told you, I want to understand this," you say, frustration creeping into your voice. I can hear it, but I ignore it. "So you're sick. I want to help you get better. You can't just tell me that you're sick and expect me to just forget about it! I know you have problems with letting us help you, but there are people that want to see you happy and healthy. We aren't just going to leave you to fend for yourself. I know I won't."
I don't even know what to say to this. I sigh and bring a hand up to pinch the bridge of my nose. Why do people have to care so much about people that don't deserve the kindness?
"Riku…" I hear you begin again quietly. I glance up and see you looking down at your feet. "We're friends. Best friends. I don't want that to stop because you think you're sick or anything else."
"You don't understand Sora," I say, because you really don't. And I need to make you understand. "I don't want to lose you. That's why you have to forget me and leave right now."
You look back up and meet my eyes with a hard look.
"No, I don't understand, that's why I'm here. You haven't given me one good reason why I should give up on you, and even if you did, you know I wouldn't. I wouldn't have looked for you all that time after you got locked behind The Door if I could give up on you that easily."
It doesn't matter.
"It doesn't matter," I repeat aloud with a shake of my head. You just stare me down, obviously not willing to give in any time soon. I scowl, wishing that for once you could just listen to me without questioning or rebuking it.
"I don't want you to hate me, so please." The words come out strained. I don't want to have to tell you. I never want to tell you about these feelings. It's dirty, it's wrong. I don't deserve them or you.
Your eyes soften. You try to step closer to me, but I move back, keeping the distance between us. It's necessary space. You don't touch me, I don't touch you and nothing happens, hopefully. As long as the distance is maintained, we can keep this bond between us the same as it's always been.
"Riku, come on. I just want to help," you say. The frown you have makes your lips pout, and I keep glancing at them, hoping you won't notice. I need to get you out of here. Now, before I do something I know I'll regret. Something I know will ruin everything.
I move further away from you, keeping my hands at my sides painfully. "You can't help."
"Why not?" you demand. I can't give a proper explanation, so I say nothing more. I can't tell you how much I want to kiss you right now. I can't tell you how much I want to touch you. I can't tell you how much I want you…
You move quicker than I can anticipate while I'm trying to sort through my thoughts and put the bad ones away, and with an armchair suddenly right behind me, I can't move away. You're too close (so close). My body moves, reacts, on its own, going on the thoughts I've tried to make go away. My mind goes blank and the only thing that registers is that I've pulled you even closer and smashed my lips against yours. It's clumsy and nothing more than lips pressed against lips, but it says more than enough.
No…
I didn't want to do that.
I didn't want…!
But it's done. And maybe this will have destroy everything, but at least it will keep you from hurting over a friend you thought was just sick.
I throw myself away from you, having realized just what I've done and how stiff you've gotten since the first contact. I take in the sight of you in the aftermath. There's no expression except a dazed sort of confusion. Slowly, in the silence, your eyes settle on me with the weight of the question in them being thrown on me.
"That's why you can't help me," I say quietly, the only offer of explanation I make before I head for the door.
~~~Sky~~~
There's something said about letting myself out whenever I want before the nearly silent click of a door closing sounds. It's all far away. I'm still stuck in a minute ago when I had warm lips pressed unexpectedly to mine. I'm frozen where I am, not really able to believe what had just happened. It doesn't seem entirely possible. Maybe you tripped and that just happened by accident. But I remember hands on my arms, pulling me closer and holding me in place as you leant down and…kissed me.
You kissed me.
You kissed me.
The one thing I had believed would never happen just did, and it blows my mind for all of one minute before I realize that you've left, most likely for good. I look around and of course you're already gone. That last sentence before you left and the click of the door falling back into its place in the frame come back to me, and I scramble to get out of your house and look for you.
It's probably been a good ten minutes since, though I'm not quite sure because my sense of time was shattered by that little action of yours. In any case, I don't see you when I get outside. I've lost you again, but I'm more determined than ever to find you and keep you found. I won't let you escape this.
I won't let myself hope too much that maybe you have feelings for me too, but it's hard not to after that. What I want to know now is just why you did it and what it meant. And if it was nothing more than an impulse, then I want to let you know that it's okay and it won't change anything. If it means more, then…well, I'm not sure what I'll do then. But in any case, I'm still going to find you. I wanted to find you to fix whatever was wrong between us before, and I still want to do that. You should know by now, better than anyone, that I'm stubborn.
I run into town, heading for the boardwalk simply because that was where I found you last time. I see no silver and no trace of you, so I continue on and search the beach and other places you may go.
"That's why you can't help me," you said.
Maybe I can't, maybe I can. It would have been easier for me to decide if I could or couldn't if you would just tell me what was wrong. So maybe you like me (I'm hoping with all my might right now), but I don't understand why you think it's so wrong that you have to keep it to yourself, not that I've been very forthcoming with my own feelings. Besides, even if I didn't like you like I do, I still wouldn't mind. I don't judge others for their choices, especially you. I've known you all my life. Why would I give up a friend as good as you just because of that?
Still, maybe you're just confused and trying to figure everything out. I don't know. But I just want to help in any way I can.
It's nearly seven by the time I stop running around and I'm circling around the boardwalk once again.
Where did you disappear to this time?
I sigh and stop to rest on a bench, slumping with my head back so that I'm looking up at the reddening sky. The sun is setting over the horizon and I've yet to find you so I can make this right.
Why won't you let me fix this?
It's a simple question with no answer. It makes me sigh again as it crosses my thoughts.
It's now that I wish Tidus were here to give me some confidence. I've relied on him too much these past weeks. It's unfair to him, especially since…
Suddenly my cheeks heat up with what I know is a blush and I finally fully comprehend exactly what he was trying to do before I sprinted away after you. Oh god, I wonder what he must think of me now. I ran away when he tried to…kiss…me. Shit. That's the absolute worst thing I could have done to him. I mean, it wouldn't have been any better to tell him I didn't have those feelings for him after he kissed me, because I know I probably would have let him had I not seen that flash of silver and bolted after it. But still. At least I wouldn't have run away. Or well, looked like I was running away.
I wonder if I've unintentionally hurt him. I probably have. Which I hate myself for because he doesn't need any more pain after Wakka. The least I could do is to tell him why I ran off, even though it's not a very good excuse…
Actually, since I can't find you (because I've come to realize that when you don't want to be found, you really won't) I might as well find Tidus and straighten things out with him. This thought makes me stand up with renewed vigor and fills me with the determination to get at least one problem sorted out by the end of the night.
"Sora?"
It's a voice that sounds unsure and self conscious, and it's one that I haven't heard in a while. It's one I'm not sure how I feel about having called my name, especially now that I'm on my way to find Tidus.
I turn my head to the right and see Wakka standing a few feet away. He looks nervous and fidgety, and almost regretful in a way. It makes me start to feel nervous and fidgety too, if only because I'm not quite sure how I feel about talking to him. We used to be good friends. We still are in my mind. But then there's the Wakka that punched Tidus for kissing him, and I worry that maybe he'll try to do the same to me, that maybe he'll hate me if he finds out that I like you the same way Tidus liked him. I don't know if he knows this or not, so I opt not to say anything right away other than a casual, "Hey."
He says "Hey" back, sounding just as unsure about this conversation as me.
We shift awkwardly before I figure he isn't going to say anything else to me. I need to find Tidus anyway, since I can't find you and it's starting to get late.
"Wait, Sora—!" he calls out, looking like he wants to reach for me, but keeps his hands firmly be his sides. He looks like he's having trouble with whatever he wants to talk about, but it's obvious he wants to talk about it. So I stop and walk over to him so that he won't have to shout for me to hear him.
"What do you wanna talk about?" I ask him, no judgment in my voice. I don't want to scare him off when he knows I've been hanging out with Tidus. We haven't really had a conversation since before I started hanging out with Tidus. Now I'm hoping that maybe he wants to talk about Tidus, and that maybe he wants to understand, just like I want to with you. I know there aren't many that are against gay couples that want to understand and adapt, but I'm hoping that Wakka is an exception. I want Tidus to get his best friend back, even if he doesn't get him in the way he wants.
"I don't really…know how to start…"
Wakka can't look me in the eye. Even though he's looking up, he keeps his gaze somewhere past my shoulder or over my head. It's fine. He rubs his neck and looks up.
"I just…I don't—"
He stops himself and tries to start over with a frustrated sigh. He sits down heavily on the bench I was previously occupying with his head hanging down. I wait patiently, and soon he looks up at me with a tired expression. Everyone seems so tired lately.
"…How do you do it?" he asks finally. I tilt my head to the side, confused by the question.
"Do what?" I ask warily.
"Accept it…him, this…whatever it is," he replies, waving his hand. He's talking about Tidus.
I shrug. "I just do. It's not like he chose to be this way and it doesn't change his personality or anything so I don't see any problem with it." I pause. "Why can't you?"
It isn't an accusation. It's just a question of curiosity.
"I just…it's weird," he says with a shake of his head. "He didn't seem like the kind of guy...and now—I don't know. It's just not normal for a guy to like another guy, ya?"
"So it isn't normal for someone to love someone else?" I ask.
"No, it's just—"
"Not normal for a guy to like a guy, right?" I finish for him. He just stares at me with a small from on his face, eyebrows furrowed and eyes looking to me for an answer. I smile because he looks so confused and in need of reassurance. I see this as a chance to right things between him and Tidus. If I can get him to understand, then maybe things will get better between the two.
"But you can't help who you fall in love with, right? Because it just happens, and it's about whether or not you can accept that love and if you love that person back. Who cares what gender it is as long as you love them."
He takes it in and sits in silence for a while. I let him think it through. I'm waiting for him to accept the words I've said, but I don't know if he actually will. I hope so. But I see him shake his head and the confusion still hasn't left his face as he stands up.
"So love is supposed to just fix everything?" he asks a little bitterly.
"I'm not saying it will. But it helps," I reply. He frowns and I shrug. "If you end up getting past the idea of two guys together being gross, you should go make up with Tidus. Or you could at least make an effort to accept him. Even if you don't return his feelings, he still misses his best friend."
I feel like I'm talking about myself.
Wakka doesn't say much to that. He just nods slowly, says a quiet thank you, and leaves. I'm not sure what he'll do now, but I hope I've helped. I pause and remember something. Maybe Wakka has seen you.
"Wakka!" I call out, stopping him on his way to wherever. He pauses and turns his head to me. "Have you seen Riku?" I ask.
He thinks, crossing his arms as he turns halfway back to me.
"Go try the little island, ya? I think him paddling over there earlier," he calls back to me. I grin. I haven't checked there yet (and wonder why I didn't when Tidus even told me earlier that's where he's been going). Now I know where you might be, and I just hope that you'll still be there.
"Thanks! Good luck with everything," I say.
"No problem," is his reply that I barely hear as I run for the docks where we leave our little boats. Time to go see if I can finally make you realize that you can't run away from me for long.
When I find you, you're just laying on the beach of the island. I'm not sure if you noticed me coming or not, but as I climb onto the makeshift dock of the island as quietly as I can, I realize you haven't. So I make my way to you as silently as I can. The only noises are the leaves of the palm trees, the lapping of the waves and the occasional call of a bird. Your eyes are closed as I approach, so I go around you to make sure you don't notice a shadow from the setting sun passing over you. You don't open your eyes. You barely twitch, and for a moment I think you're asleep. But then you groan and cover your eyes with both your hands, pressing with the heels, and I think maybe you aren't.
So I sit on your stomach quickly before you can open your eyes, before you can see me, and before you can even think about running away.
You grunt at the new weight on your stomach and your hands fly away from your face to reveal wide, surprised eyes. Impulse moves me and I lean forward, arms folding against your chest, trying to repeat what happened in your house, only now it would be me kissing you. You catch me before our lips me and I frown in disappointment as you push me away.
It hurts, but I don't let it deter me.
"W-what the hell, Sora?" you ask, seeming more surprised by the second.
"That would be me trying to kiss you," I tell you, as if you hadn't realized. You scowl and sit up, pushing me back further so that now I'm just sitting in your lap. I let it happen, comfortable sitting on your thighs if you'll allow me to stay close to you. I haven't been this close to you in a while.
"Don't mess with me Sora, you don't have to try to do something like that. Just leave me alone for a while and it'll go away soon enough," you say quietly, seriously. I sigh and push the arms holding me back away so that I can hug you instead since you won't let me kiss you. My head buries into your shoulder and I take in your scent, which is salty like the sea. You go stiff but I just hug you tighter, not wanting or willing to let you go this time. I've got you right where I want you.
"Riku," I say, voice muffled by your shirt, "you're amazingly stupid sometimes."
There's a pause while the comment sinks in, and then I feel a light bop on my head. I can imagine the scowl you're wearing now.
"Says one idiot to another," you reply.
It's hesitant, but I feel your arms finally encircle me too, as if you're not sure if you're allowed to do so. I give you a squeeze to reassure you that yes, it's alright.
"Yes, well, this idiot would like to know something," I say.
"And that would be?" you ask reluctantly. I find it amazing that we can still talk like this after all the running away we've done. But now it's the moment of truth. I bury my head in further, turning my head to the side so that my lips are brushing against the side of your milky white neck. It's smooth and long, and it makes me want to kiss it, but I hold back to ask my question.
"Sora…" you begin, warning in your voice. I ignore it and cut off whatever you were going to say in protest.
"How do you feel about this idiot?" I ask, letting my lips move against the skin of your neck just barely. I feel the shiver dance down your spine and it makes me smile that I was the one to make that happen.
Moment of truth.
You stiffen and your hands clench on my back, but they don't move from where they are. I figure this is positive as I wait for you to answer, which doesn't take very long.
"I shouldn't…feel this way. I'm sorry," you apologize. "This is wrong."
"Why? Because I'm a guy too?" I ask, wondering if I'll have to tell Riku what I just told Wakka. "I don't mind, you know." I squeeze you again for reassurance that this doesn't bother me in the least and turn my head back into your shoulder. You lean your forehead against my shoulder hesitantly like you did returning my embrace.
"It's—I don't deserve to feel this way," you whisper. Your breath is warm through the thin cloth of my shirt. "You don't deserve someone messed up like me."
I start tracing circles on your back and I feel that shiver run through your body once again.
"Who cares if you're messed up? You're still Riku."
Your hands clench again, this time around the fabric of my shirt as your forehead presses into my shoulder. "You don't get it Sora—!" It's a desperate whisper that could turn into a shout.
"Then help me understand," I cut in calmly, still tracing circles.
Silence. And then—
"I'm afraid," you say, never letting go of my shirt.
"Of what?" I probe, because you're finally letting it out. You may finally tell me what's been bothering you so much, what's made you act this way.
You take a shuddering breath.
In, out.
"Of tainting you."
I blink and wait for you to continue in your own time.
"I'm covered in so much filth, so much darkness. I shouldn't be touching you or anyone because I'm still afraid that the darkness that's left in me will take over again, but I can't help it. Even though I know I don't deserve this after everything I've done, I still—"
"Still what?"
You swallow hard.
"…Want you."
My breath catches because you've said it. My ears burn because you meant it. I swallow the lump that's suddenly formed in my own throat and take a breath.
"Riku," I start. "It's okay you know. You aren't dirty and I know you would never purposefully let the darkness take you over again. You're strong, so even if it did, I know you could come back from it."
You shake your head.
"You know it's the truth, Riku. I really admire your strength."
You just shake your head again.
I swallow again.
Moment of truth.
"Riku…do you like me?"
Hands clench tighter.
"…Yes."
"Do you love me?"
"Sora…"
The warning is in your voice again, but I want to know. I ask again.
"Do you love me?"
I wait a minute that feels like a year. You unclench your hands and let your arms fall to your sides as if you're getting ready to let me bolt.
"…Yes."
I take a deep breath.
Moment of truth.
"Good," I say as I pull back enough so that I can kiss you before you try to stop me again. You freeze, but I just press harder, trying to coax a reaction out of you. And then you respond, slowly and a bit clumsy just like me because first kisses with someone new are always a bit like that, but it feels a million times better than the last time. Lips slide against lips, innocent and nothing deeper than that for now. It's heady and just what I've been wanting for oh so long. I feel like this couldn't possibly be happening, but I know it is because when I pull back, you're there, eyes closed and a slightly awed expression on your face. I expect you to want to bolt as soon as you regain hold of your thoughts, but I don't want you to leave without hearing this. I raise my hands to cradle you face in them and lean my forehead against yours.
"Riku…" I breathe. Your eyes snap open, knocking you from whatever thoughts may have been going through your mind. I smile, reassuring that yes I wanted this.
"I love you too."
A/N: Thank you for reading and all your reviews! I love you all! Remember kids, the rating on this story will be bumped up whn I upload the next chapter because there's a slight lemon at the end. Nothing too heavy though. But anyway, let me know your thoughts and click the pretty review button please!
