Authors note: From here on I imagine Ville as looking like he did for Razorblade Romance – pale skin, dark longish hair, lots of pretty make up and wickedly sexy – as we all know he always is!
My Immortal
"Fühlst du nicht die wege, die dich lähmt
Spürst du die nicht die droge, die dich zähmt
Siehst du nicht die warheit, die dich quält…"
Ville rolled over in bed and stretched out his arm so he could wrap it around Bam. He opened his eyes once he realised that Bam wasn't next to him. A moment of confusion passed over him as he tried to remember what had happened. Slight panic set in as he realised that he didn't actually know where Bam was. Ville jumped out of bed and quickly made his way out of the bedroom and down the hallway.
"Bam-Bam?" He called out cautiously.
He paused for a moment to see if there was a reply, but there wasn't. He continued walking slowly down the hallway, vigilantly looking in the bedrooms as he passed them. There was no sign of Bam anywhere.
"Bam?" He called out again. There was still no reply. He started walking faster, fear quickly setting in.
"BAM?!" He yelled. He stopped walking, desperately hoping that there'd be a reply this time.
"What?" Bam yelled back.
Ville sighed in relief as he made his way towards the bathroom where Bam's voice had echoed from. He slowly pushed the door open and peered in to see what Bam was doing. Bam looked over at him from the sink, his face covered in shaving cream.
"You okay?" Bam asked, obviously confused as to why Ville was so worried.
"Yeah..." Ville nodded slowly, a small smile of relief crossed his face.
Bam continued to shave while Ville made his way across the white tiled floor. Ville wrapped his arms around Bam's waist and looked at him in the mirror. Bam was still looking in the mirror as he shaved and didn't respond to Ville's show of affection. Ville sighed quietly and leant down to rest his head on Bam's shoulder. Ville stood up straight again and let his arms fall limp at his side. He looked directly at Bam instead of looking at him in the mirror. Bam was unresponsive to anything that Ville was doing; he just kept shaving while he looked in the mirror. Ville put his hand out to touch Bam's arm but his hand went straight through Bam. Ville reached out again in slight confusion but his hand went straight through again. Ville stepped back, staring at Bam in disbelief. He looked around the bathroom as it started to fade. Ville looked down at the floor underneath his feet when he felt the tiles shifting beneath him. This can't be real, Ville thought to himself incredulity. Ville lost his balance and fell abruptly onto his back. He shot a quick glance up to see if Bam was okay, but Bam had disappeared. Ville rolled onto his stomach and started to get onto his hands and knees for support as he tried to stand, but the floor was shaking and cracking apart so violently that it was like there was an earthquake. He pushed himself up so he was on his knees, ready to grab onto the bench for support as he tried to stand upright. As he reached out for the bench the floor beneath him caved in and he fell into the black emptiness of time.
Ville felt his himself jump awake from fright. His heart was racing and sweat was running down his face. He nervously peered around the dark and empty bedroom. Had he been dreaming? He Looked at the clock and sighed. He had to get up and get ready for work because it was 8pm already. He reluctantly sat up on the side of the bed and looked around the room again. There was nothing in the room - no light, no movement, no Bam. He sighed deeply - exhaling was almost painful. The realisation that he was just dreaming and that Bam was actually gone was almost too much to bear. He found himself reminiscing back to happier times as tears began to streak his face.
Ville and Bam had been on a drinking binge in London. They'd originally gone to London to shoot a HIM video, but because they'd gone over their budget it would have ended up being cheaper for Bam to fly the band to West Chester and shoot the video at his house, so they figured that while they were in London they might as well make the most of it before they went back to America.
Ville staggered down the hallway of the hotel they were staying in. Bam was lying on the ground, laughing hysterically.
"Yo Bam-Bam!" Ville laughed as he staggered towards Bam. "What you doin?"
Bam was rolling around on the carpet as Ville approached him - they were both completely drunk. Bam was trying to get Ville to look at his new belt but most of what he said was almost incomprehensible. Ville leant over him, still laughing.
"I don't fuckin' care 'bout your belt, what I care about is the booze in your fuckin' mini bar." Ville slurred as he helped pull Bam off of the floor.
They staggered into Bam's room and raided his mini bar. They were lying on Bam's bed drinking beer and talking about the events that had happened over the last couple of days while they were killing time before going to West Chester.
"So, I've been carrying you around for the last two days because you lost your fuckin' shoes and this is how you repay me? With a poor bit of beer?" Ville slurred at Bam.
Bam laughed and started pouring some of his beer onto the bed, "I might as well pour some out for my homies - obie trice!"
It was true; Bam had lost his shoes and decided not to buy a new pair because it'd be funnier if he convinced Ville to carry him around wherever they went for the next few days - it was also true that the only thanks he got was beer. Even so, Ville didn't have to carry Bam around, but he did.
"Tell them it's a religious thing." Ville suggested, thinking about Bam's lost shoes.
" 'Ahh excuse me, we're like in a really nice hotel and you aren't wearing any shoes...' it's a religious issue, thank you." Bam laughed.
"I mean if you tell them it's religious you can get away with anything!"
"Yeah you could... you could flambé a cock and they couldn't do anything." Bam replied with a slight laugh.
" 'What are you doing?!' " Bam continued; sounding surprised as he imitated a woman's voice.
"Flambéing a cock," Ville and Bam answered at same time.
" 'But you'll go to jail!' " Bam continued in a fake high pitched voice.
"No no, it's religious." He and Bam laughed together.
This happened before he and Bam were actually married, long before they were even together at all. Even back then he loved Bam and deep down he always knew that they would end up together. For a long time they both acted as if they didn't have any interest in each other. Ville thought that Bam was straight and Bam knew that Ville was bisexual, but he never realised that Ville felt that way about him because Ville hid it very well. They were both with various women; each denying how they really felt about each other - Bam even got married. Ville remembered that like it was yesterday. Bam married Missy in the winter of 2007. He didn't go to Bam's wedding; even just thinking about Bam and Missy together was unbearable. He couldn't have attended Bam's wedding without doing any more emotional damage to himself, and God knows he wouldn't have been able to sit there quietly during the ceremony - he would have been crying, and there was no way he was going to try and sell the idea that he was crying out of happiness for Bam, because he wouldn't have been. It was easier for him to not go to the wedding at all.
That day Ville stayed at home in his apartment in Finland. He didn't even want to be in the same country as Bam at that point in time. He got mindlessly drunk and passed out for a few days. About a week after that Bam phoned him from Dubai - while he was on his honeymoon. Ville admitted that he spoke coldly towards Bam when Bam asked why Ville didn't go to his wedding. Initially Bam was finding out if Ville was okay because he thought for sure Ville would be at his wedding and would work around any pre-existing plans so that he could be there, and normally he would have for Bam, but he couldn't - not this time. Bam must have thought Ville was sick or unwell, when Ville told Bam he wasn't Bam seemed confused at first, then he realised that Ville didn't go to his wedding for a reason, not just because he was busy (which he wasn't). That phone call was a short one; Ville had an outburst in Finnish, Bam was confused because he didn't understand Finnish and wasn't sure why Ville was getting so angry with him and then Ville abruptly said goodbye and hung up. Ville knew that Bam was upset because of what he did and said to him, but he made no apologies.
Ville stood up and made his way to the bathroom. He had to have a shower, shave and get dressed for work. He worked at a nightclub. It was a kind of underground nightclub that only certain groups of people knew about; it wasn't mainstream or well known. The crowds that it attracted consisted of Goths, people from the Cyber and Rave scenes and people who thought they were vampires. Those kinds of people had always pissed Ville off. People who thought they were vampires? Please. He had no time for people who sat in the corner of a club with fake vampire teeth, watching everyone like they were the weird ones. Some people who went to the nightclub had serious issues; thinking that they're vampires was probably the biggest one he'd come across yet.
Part of working at the club meant he had to always look good. He served drinks from behind the bar alongside two women. The women he worked with wore shiny, black PVC bikini tops and bottoms, fishnet stockings, black platform heels and matching rabbit ears. The uniforms that the women wore weren't meant to be Playboyesque, it was more accidental than anything. After the nightclub had started the owner wanted the women who worked behind the bar to wear something sexy, but then he felt like they needed something else as a part of their uniform to make them look that little bit sweet and the owner just happened to have a furry fetish.
Ville negotiated with the owner what he would wear to work upon being hired as a barman. Ville knew the owner quite well before the nightclub was actually opened, so it wasn't hard for him to get his own way. He had decided that it was only fair to the girls he worked with if he wore something similar to them, otherwise they might have gotten pissy about him being able to wear whatever he felt like to work when they couldn't. In the end he decided on black PVC pants with slightly flared ends, no shirt and the same shoes and bunny ears that the girls wore. It was fair on the girls and he actually didn't mind wearing it – it was sexy and complimented his toned physique. Apparently it would attract more customers if he walked around without a shirt on and served drinks in heels - it was meant to have the same affect on women as the bargirls did on men. It was good for business, which was fine because if it was good for the business and he didn't mind doing it - then there was no problem.
Truth be told, he actually really liked his job. The girls did it because it was quite good money, but he enjoyed it, money aside. Serving drinks was good, he got to listen to music while he worked, people were usually in a good mood because they were on a night out and after he finished work behind the bar he could mingle with people and hook up. This wasn't an unusual occurrence for Ville; pretty much every night he went to work he hooked up with somebody different. It had been a long time since Bam's death, and he had to do things to try and forget, or at least to stop the hurting, even if it was only for a while. This usually ended up being a fruitless quest, because having mindless drunk sex only stopped the hurting for so long.
Authors Note: The flash back where they were in London was a real event. You can watch it on Season two of Viva La Bam on the special features – making of HIM videos. Obviously I added in my own POV for Ville in that section – I don't claim that anything I wrote actually happened or is what Ville actually thought/was thinking at that point in time. I also mixed it up a bit, the end part from where they were in the taxi I just added to the bit in the hotel room for convenience, you understand. The song quote that I used is from "Willst du frei sein?" ("Do you want to be free?") by Oomph. The English translation for that section is:
"Don't you feel the wave that paralyses you
Don't you sense the drugs that calm you
Don't you see the truth that torments you…"
The title is "My Immortal" by Evanescence. I don't own it or anything like that. Once again, thank you for reading :D
