Hey look I've got more, again I'm not sure how funny they are but do tell me .

I do not own the amazing Middle-Earth, I also do not own Oompa Loompas, Munchkins, Barbie or Eastenders.

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1. I will not point randomly behind Sam and shout 'Look Sam, an Oliphaunt!' Then realise it is Bill the pony after he turns around.

Pippin stood next in front of Sam, who standing before Bill the pony. Pippin grinned and then exclaimed loudly 'Look Sam, an Oliphaunt!'

Sam turned immediately and frowned 'Where?' he asked Pippin who came to stand beside him. Pippin hit himself on the forehead with his hand.

'Oh wait! No it isn't, that's just Bill the pony, sorry about that,' clapping a hand on the older hobbits shoulder Pippin walked away, leaving behind Sam who sent murderous glares his way.

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2. I will not tell Gimli that he is racist against Elves, he has a sharp axe.

'I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf!' exclaimed Gimli the dwarf

It was the council of Elrond and they were trying to decide who was to take the ring to Mordor.

Days later the nine companions set out for Mordor. Merry was walking next to Gimli and remembered his comment at the council.

'Gimli?' he asked

'Yes lad?'

'You know you're really racist against elves...' spoke Merry thoughtfully

Pippin laughed but stopped and ducked his head when he caught sight of Gimli's expression.

Gimli glared at the young hobbit 'I am not!' he exclaimed, his hand on his axe 'Well,' he added 'They started it...'

Legolas shot a look at the Dwarf 'We most certainly did not!' he stalked a-head, muttering to himself in elfish.

'Yes you are,' said Merry 'Don't you remember the council of Elrond "I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf!"?'

'Yeah I said that,' he admitted 'but elves cannot be trusted,'

'You see that's what I'm talking about!' exclaimed Merry 'You condemned Legolas without even knowing him for all you know he could be really nice,'

'Humph,' said the dwarf

'What?' said Merry 'It's true,'

Gimli son of Gloin said nothing but raised his axe threateningly

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3. Using Narsil (Aragorn's sword which was the one Isildur used to cut Sauron's finger off) to chop firewood is not allowed.

Pippin walked back into the camp, 'Got the firewood,' he said dropping it in a pile.

'Thanks Pippin,' said Legolas

Aragorn ran into the camp 'Has anyone seen Narsil?' he asked 'It's gone!'

Pippin held the sword out 'Here you go Strider, I borrowed it,'

Aragorn took the sword back and gave Pippin a searching look 'Why did you take it,'

'Because Gimli refused to let me use his axe and I needed something to chop firewood with,'

Aragorn glared 'Pippin I'm going to kill you!' he yelled

Pippin's eyes widened and he ran from a very angry Aragorn.

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4. Stealing Pippin's pipe is because 'he smokes too much' will result in a very angry hobbit.

'Where is it?' asked a distraught Pippin rummaging through his pack desperately 'I can't find it!' with that he began throwing things randomly out of his pack.

Merry dodged a flying piece of Lembas still in its leaf wrapping as he went to see what was wrong.

'Lost something Pip?'

'My pipe,' said Pippin sadly 'it appears to have disappeared,'

'No it hasn't,' said a voice behind them, it was Frodo 'I'm pretty sure I saw Legolas with it earlier...'

'Legolas...?' said Merry puzzled but Pippin had already walked past Frodo

'Thanks,' he called over his shoulder and Frodo helped Merry push everything back into the youngest hobbit's pack.

Pippin meanwhile was looking for Legolas 'Legolas...?'

'Yes young hobbit?' replied the elf

'Did you take my pipe?'

'Yes, I did,' Legolas held it up

'Why?'

Legolas looked at him as if it was obvious 'You smoke too much,'

Pippin glared and attacked the son of Thranduil.

'Ow!' cried the elf.

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5. Frodo does not have a 'wandering off problem'

'Look Mr. Frodo, an Oliphaunt!' Sam whispered as he and Frodo stared at the great animals, and the army with them.

Sam turned to look at his master, 'Although Mr. Frodo,' he said, slightly frowning 'you really need to stop wandering off,'

Frodo turned to him and frowned 'What do you mean Sam?'

'Well,' Sam thought through his words carefully before speaking again 'There was just now, and in the dead marshes, and after we got out of Moria,' Sam's face darkened slightly 'it's becoming more common and well, I wonder if you have a problem sir, if you follow me,'

Frodo stared 'I do not have a problem Samwise,' he said and then walked off

Sam just shook his head slowly and followed him.

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6. Nor is he very paranoid.

'I can feel his blade,' Frodo gasped

Sam raised an eyebrow, from that distance, really?

'You know Mr. Frodo you are kind of paranoid now I think about it,'

Frodo frowned

'I mean,' Sam continued but got no further

Frodo glared 'Hush Samwise,' he said then walked off

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7. And he does not need a councillor, suggesting one at any time is not a good idea.

'Eh, Frodo?' said Samwise as the two hobbits sat in Rivendell, the quest complete but Frodo was not completely healed of his wounds. Sam was worried about him and so was about to give him a suggestion.

'Yes Sam?'

'I was thinking, maybe you should get a councillor, I know one who I think could help you, his name is –'

Frodo stared incredulously and interrupted the gardener 'Do you know how many people have suggested that to me?'

'No, how many have?'

'Well let's see, there was Gimli, Legolas, Faramir, Gandalf, Aragorn, Arwen, Eowyn, Merry, Pippin, Boromir before he died, Elrond, Galadriel, Bilbo, you and even Gollum, which was just hypocritical if you ask me!'

Sam stared.

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8. Frodo is not going to end up like Gollum at any time, no matter how long he has the One Ring.

'The ring is mine!' Frodo proclaimed dramatically on mount doom.

Sam stared at his friend, the ring had changed him.

Sam spoke 'You don't want to do that sir!'

Frodo laughed at him and spoke in the same, cruel voice 'Oh, and why is that Samwise?'

Sam gave a look as though it should be obvious 'because then you'll end up like Gollum, duh!'

Frodo laughed at Sam again and went to put the ring on, then stopped, looking troubled 'You think so?'

'Yes, it's already starting,' said Sam

Frodo thought for a minute 'Meh, the ring is mine and you will not take it from me!'

He slipped the ring on and disappeared.

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9. Hobbits are not distant relatives of either Oompa Loompas or Munchkins and I will not insist they are, even when there are four swords pointing at me.

Legolas was sitting talking to the four hobbits one night. He thought before posing a question to them.

'So, are hobbits, related to Oompa Loompas? You know, like distant cousins or something perhaps?'

The four hobbits looked at him

'You mean those weird, singing, orange skinned, green haired guys?' asked Frodo indignantly

'Yeah those guys,' said the elf

'No! We share no blood with them! Or the other variety of Oompa Loompas, you know the ones that all look normal, but the same!' said Merry and all four of them glared at the elf.

'Sure,' said Legolas 'What about those other short people, you know the ones who live in Oz...? What were they called, oh yeah; Munchkins!'

The four hobbits sprang up and drew their swords

'You take that back!' said Frodo

'No way!' said Legolas, 'You're all the same height you simply mustbe related.'

If looks could kill Legolas would have died a million times over.

After a heated discussion of about five minutes Pippin had had enough 'Oh shut up BARBIE!' he yelled before storming away, followed by the other three, leaving the elf from Mirkwood open-mouthed and glaring.

The hobbits rounded a corner before they all burst out laughing.

'Pippin that was brilliant!' exclaimed Frodo through laughter

Sam nearly fell to the floor laughing so hard 'D-did you see his face!' he choked out

Merry high fived the youngest hobbit

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10. After Gandalf says 'Fly you fools' and falls from the bridge of Khazad-Dum (sp?) and after Frodo exclaims 'No!' I will not break into the Eastenders theme tune, it is extremely insensitive.

'Fly you fools!' said Gandalf before falling

'No!' screamed Frodo.

None of the Fellowship noticed another standing behind them, it was an authoress holding an iPod, she pressed a button and the Eastenders theme came from it. Aragorn spun to face her.

'Now is not the time for that!' the authoress, called Saymorian, stared

'Yeah I know where it's from!' shouted Aragorn 'what?' he asked at the look on her face 'So I watched it once!'

Saymorian raised her eyebrows

'Okay more than once... okay I watch it regularly happy?'

The Fellowship stared at Aragorn and at Saymorian before something beeped, the authoress checked her watch

'Sorry, got to be getting back, good luck with the quest and all,'

She disappeared and everyone soon forgot about her, lost in their own grief

'Bloody insensitive authoress,' grumbled Aragorn, who hadn't quite forgotten.

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Okay, so how were these? Can I ask for no flames again please but do tell me if you liked them, did you have a favourite? If so do tell me, thanks for reading

S