HOPE ESTHIEM

I am dying. Maybe not physically, maybe not even mentally, but I was surely dying. And I never really realized what that meant myself. My house in Cocoon was so far from a doll house, and everybody knew. We were the retards. The people who could hardly tie their shoes-not even multiply 12x12. I was the retarded kid, mom was the retarded mother, and father was the sad, sad man who had to support two absolutely dumb people. I could practically see him spit on the ground after I walked past. Mom- she would never say anything bad about him. Her weak little heart couldn't take divorce, and where would we go if she even did decide to? Us retards could get no job- no one would take us in. We'd be homeless. We'd only have each other.

Father was a wicked, wicked man in my eyes. I could feel the dark, deep melancholy aura around him as he pitied himself while watching TV and drinking his damn alcohol. I could see his cracked, red lips mouth out words he would never regret saying about mother and I. I could read his thoughts as he damned himself for not staying with his mother over those tall mountains. His life was the complete opposite of his hoped, constantly yearned for fairytale. I was his worst nightmare- mom was his worst nightmare.

We were the retards. Life destined to forever be in Cocoon.

That was all up until Snow came along. Snow Villiers. The wonderful, blessed stories he told me of Pulse made me want to know more. He leaves me with my mouth agape, eyes wide with curiosity. I still didn't know much about him- where his house was in Cocoon, his hobbies, his family; nothing. But I didn't need to know. I already felt I knew him- I understood him. We were partners for life. We swore to it. And none of us could take it back.

The heat in Cocoon became overbearing. It was that time of the year where crops were tall and children could no longer play and had to work the fields. The small field behind my house wasn't much, but it was spacious enough for me. I was able to walk deep down into the tall rice stocks far enough that my house looked like a little doll house. A wire fence separated the very back of our fields to the woods, where I sometimes enjoyed going just to feel like I was somewhere else but in Cocoon. I could sleep there and no one would care in the house, because mother stopped caring about me. She was miserable. And I was the main cause- I caused her pain just being around.

It was a burning hot, early afternoon, and Hooper was sleeping soundly underneath the very little shade of a pine tree. As usual, I worked the fields, cutting down rice stocks to sell for some little change. I was dressed very lightly- loose brown shorts, a gray T-shirt, no shoes. Since mother no longer cared for me, I had to scavenge for my own sunscreen. After placing layers upon layers on my exposed skin, I still felt me burning up under the sun. I didn't mind, though- it was the only reminder I had that I was alive. It felt sort of nice, actually.

Feeling a bit adventurous, I trotted through the tall stocks to the very back of the field, and looked out over the wire fence. The forest was green, lush, and beautiful. I loved it. I could sit in there and doze off and think for hours, and the best part was that I was by myself, without people constantly reminding me how stupid and miserable I was. I took a deep breath (it felt like my first breath in a while), and let the smell of pine cones in, and then slowly let it out. I dropped the leather sac that carried the rice stocks I chopped down, and spread my arms, letting the wind cool me down.

I closed my eyes. This felt great- oh so wonderful. It was like my drug; shutting the 99.9% shitty part of my life out. "Ahhh," I sighed peacefully, suddenly feeling sleepy. But, if father didn't see me back in an hour or two, he would know I was slacking off and punish me. So, it was back to work for me.

The peace quickly faded, and the harsh reality of life returned. My shoulders returned to its usual slumping position, and I opened my eyes. But, what I saw was no longer just the green lush forest and wire fence. Suddenly, I saw Snow, leaning against a tree in the forest, a little ways away. At first I thought I was hallucinating- Snow really couldn't be in the forest behind my house, right? But, when he turned and gave me that irresistible smile that I could never day dream correctly, I knew it wasn't a hallucination. He was there.

Even in the little wind provided, I could smell his thick cologne. It was calling me to him. I had to go to him. My legs began working on its own, and walked so close to the wire fence that it scratched my thighs. But, I ignored the pain, and looked on wearily at the older man.

"Hey," I called out, squinting my eyes in the hot sun. "What are you doing out there?"

Snow gave me a foolish smile. "Come," he beckoned. "I want to show you something."

I frowned, running my fingers through my hair. "I know every area of the forest already- was is there to show me?"

Snow kept the foolish smile. "Just come." He outstretched his left hand and curled and uncurled his fingers.

I couldn't say no to that face. I looked down at the wire fence, hesitating, and then leaped over, landing on the now-hardened mud of the forest floor. Snow didn't wait for me to advance any further- he rushed towards me, took my hand in his, and pulled me along with him. My hand felt so tiny compared to his. His hands were soft and big and welcoming, while mine were the complete opposite. My fingers wrapped around his, and I squeezed.

Snow didn't bat an eyelash; he continued to drag me along with him like a baby stroller. At first I was too caught up in how beautiful his hair looked under the afternoon sun, but then I began to get agitated.

I pulled my hand from his. He stopped walking and looked back at me, confusion on his face.

"I can walk, you know," I felt my face flush as I looked down at my dirty feet. Damn, how he made me so self-conscious! My feelings were becoming such a nuisance!

"I know," Snow's deep, husky voice replied. I looked up at him, and he was smiling down at me. I looked back down at my feet.

"If you can walk, then come on. Time won't wait for us." He said, and then the sound of his boots crunching the twigs on the ground erupted. I looked up, and he was already 15 steps ahead of me. I rushed to catch up.

We walked for awhile, and then an opening cleared, revealing a small little pond with beautiful fish swimming around. I've seen this place a million times before- I've even carved my name into the trees nearby and slept by the water, but for some reason it felt so new to me. Snow always had a way of making me see things in a new light- I was drunk on him. Shaking the admittedly scary thought from my head, I looked up at him. He was staring down at the fish, watching them swim around and around. His eyes seemed to follow the large red one around- I could see why, though; it was breathtaking. When the sun pierced the surface of the water, the fish seemed to glow a golden color. It reminded me of Snow's hair; it matched the golden perfectly.

I crouched down by the water, digging my toes into the soft mud, and cupped the water in the palms of my hands. It cleaned my hands as it fell through the cracks of my fingers. The fish scattered, diving to the pond floor. "Why'd you... take me here?" I finally asked, my voice cracking.

Snow sighed, placing his hands on his hips. "Isn't it beautiful? I was exploring last night, and I found this place." He shook his head slowly side to side, eyes squinting up at the blue skies. "Just wonderful..."

I stared at him for a moment, and then looked down at my muddy feet. They were slowly sinking into the mud. "I told you I've been all over here before."

"I know you did- but this is the second time seeing this place for me." Snow's icy blue eyes met the side of my face. I could practically feel the heat of them just studying me. "I thought this was a good place to learn more about you."

I shook my head. I didn't want him to know anymore about me than he already did. And he already knew too much. If he knew all about me, then maybe he'd think I was a retard, too. Just like everyone else. Just like my own parents. A surge of anger rippled through me. "No." I said. "I want to know about you."

"Me?" Snow seemed pleasantly surprised. He walked to my side and crouched down. My eyes went straight down to his boots, which were also getting muddy. "There's not much to know about me."

"Sure there is."

"There isn't."

"There is."

"No- there isn't."

"Are you trying to hide things from me, then?" I dared my self to look into his eyes. "I thought partners were supposed t-"

"If that's the case then tell me about you first." Snow said, confidently looking back at me. I immediately got nervous and looked away. Why was it that he always seemed to get the upper hand? A breeze blew my hair in various directions. It felt nice to feel the breeze against my otherwise hot and sweaty body. Snow must have been hot, too, because he was still wearing that trench coat. I decided against telling him to take it off, because he actually looked pretty nice in it.

"Fine." I watched the fish cautiously return to where they were before I disrupted them. "But, what is there to know? I live in this... place, I worked the fields almost every day... That's all."

Snow's hand touched my thigh, and I felt shocks coursing through my veins. "That's not all. What about your parents? Do you live with them?"

I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I should tell him the truth. Telling the truth may lead to more questions I didn't want to answer, though. "...Yeah- I do."

"Could I ever meet them?" Snow asked.

I shook my head. "...No."

He left it at that, staying silent. His eyes went to the sky, and then back down at the red fish swimming about. His eyes seemed to darken as he studied it- almost like a lion ready to creep up and attack its prey. I watched intently, wondering why Snow was slowly leaning towards the pond as if about to swat at a fly. His gloved hand slowly went up, and then, right before my eyes, it went down and into the water. There was a great splash-water soaked the front of my shirt-and then suddenly the red fish was flapping about drastically in Snow's tight grip.

My eyes widened-how did a Pulse citizen have such skill to be able to catch a slippery, fast fish?-and mouth went agape. Snow didn't look even once at me as he took no time biting and ripping the head of the fish right off its body. Usually, I didn't bat an eyelash at such a thing-when I used to have friends, they would do gory things to wild animals all the time just to impress one another, but when Snow did it, it was almost like I was the new kid to Cocoon from Pulse and met Snow, a native of this town.

Snow chewed it up, eyebrows furrowed and eyes narrowed into a perma-frown, and then spit the chewed up bits onto the mud beside the small pond. He dropped the rest of the body into a pathetic heap by his feet, wiping the remains away from his mouth. I could do nothing but stare, face caught between shock and confusion. Snow looked ahead, lost in thought, for a couple of minutes (though, it felt like hours to me), and then slowly-very, very slowly-met my eyes. Neither of us could look away for a long while; Snow was unfazed at the petrified look on my face.

Snow, then, snickered and looked back ahead. "It's really hot in Cocoon- is it always like this?"

I wiped away sweat snaking down my forehead with the back of my head, and then tore my eyes off of Snow. "It rains a lot during Spring. But, besides that, yes- it's always hot."

Snow sat there, quietly, for a few minutes more, and then stood up. "Come with me, Hope."

I looked up at him, squinting from the sun. "Where are we going?"

"No questions- it ruins the fun of everything." He stretched his upturned hand to me, requesting me to place my own hand in his. I studied the hand for a while, and then stood on my own.

"Fine. Let's go." I walked past Snow, not understanding why I felt so upset right now.

Snow's heavy footsteps behind me assured me that I wasn't alone. We walked in silence, Snow finally taking the lead, just listening to the chirping of the birds overhead, and the breeze rustling the leaves on the tall, ominous trees. I looked down at my dirty, muddy feet, being careful not to step onto any sharp tree branches. I was sure to get splinters before the end of the day. My eyes looked ahead on the forest floor, catching the back of Snow's combat boots. They looked pretty expensive... so why was he just carelessly letting them step into mud puddles? Snow was a strange guy- were all Pulse residents like this?

"Hope," he called back to me, eyes still ahead and focused. I looked up at his golden hair.

"Yes?" I replied.

Snow waited for the a loud caw of a crow in the sky to stop before he spoke. "Can you do a favor for me?"

I paused skeptically, wiping more sweat off of my face. "...A favor? What?"

Snow tossed his head back and laughed, his sparkling ocean eyes glancing back at me for a moment. "Don't act so reserved. It's nothing serious- trust me."

"Then what is it?"

"I don't have any pencil or paper right now, so can you write a letter for me?" Snow asked, looking back ahead.

I froze. Write a letter? Me? I can hardly write a grocery list! And how is it possible that Snow doesn't have a paper or a pencil? Where did he live, anyway? I opened my mouth to say something, but I lost my words. What was I supposed to say? That I was dumb and couldn't write? Or say that I can write and risk being found out as a liar?

"Hope?" Snow asked, glancing back and then back ahead. "You alive?"

"Uh, yeah," I replied warily.

"Then how about it?" Snow said joyfully, though a bit forced. It was as if he recognized my discomfort and wanted to taunt me. "Write me a letter?"

My eyes immediately went down to my muddy feet stepping over random twigs and burying leaves into the ground. I no longer felt burning hot- just nervous. Nervous that if I refused, he would think lowly of me, and most likely break the partnership we have. Nervous that he'd question me, and found me out to be an idiot who never went to school. But, I couldn't lie. It was hard for me- it would take me no where. I looked back up, and Snow's ocean blue eyes were looking back at me. They were deep- piercing, as if they could see right through me and pull out the truth.

And they did just that.

"I... can't write."

Snow stared at me a bit longer, and I tore my eyes off of him, looking to the right. As soon as I felt his heavy stare loosen, I did finally relax. He was quiet- probably thinking it over. Thinking about how stupid I was- how worthless I am to him. A ripple of pain crossed over my ribs and straight to my heart at the very thought; he made me frightened. Frightened that my only key to freedom from Cocoon was going to slip through my already sweaty fingers. My life was low and horrendous, but without him guiding me to the light it would be way, way worse. My hands grabbed at the front of my shirt, and I could hardly breathe.

This man was making me go crazy- I could feel my pride and sanity going to the dumps. I only met him for a short while, and I was already so dependent on him. He made me want to know more; he made me crave for more of his stories, his life, albeit he hadn't told me much of anything. Him just being here, trying to have any sort of connection with me made my mind race and mouth salivate with yearning. I was losing myself; completely and utterly losing myself. But, I probably already have.

"Hope." Snow said, stopping in place. I caught myself and froze on the spot just before colliding into his back. For some reason, I was so scared as I raised my eyes to look at the back of his golden-haired head. Was he going to break things off? Was our partnership going to end?

Before I could part my lips to respond, Snow pointed ahead with his gloved hand. I stepped from behind him, and the black of my eyes met a large garden. Roses, and Dandelions, and even flowers I've never seen or heard of before were standing high out of the ground, proudly blowing in the little wind provided. It was beautiful, but it was all too familiar. I've seen this place once before... the white gates, the largest house in Cocoon... Wait a second, this place was-!

"Vanille!" I heard myself say without thinking a second more.

"You know this place?" Snow asked, looking down at me with shock.

"Of course I do- I-I mean, yeah, I do know this place. This is the backyard of one of my... friend's places." I said, my eyes still exploring the land. I've only been here once before- Vanille invited me, and I couldn't just say no. I loved the garden, but I said nothing to her because I didn't want to see that satisfied grin on her face.

Snow whistled through his perfect teeth, eyes squinting as if really studying the place. "I didn't know you had friends."

I looked at the side of his face, and then looked away, forcing a nod. "Uh, yeah... kind of."

"Do you really trust this Vanille girl?" Snow asked immediately.

"I guess..."

"I guess? Have you told her anything? Like, about us?"

"No... I haven't."

"Does she know anything about your personal life?"

"No."

"And you're friends with her?"

"Okay, fine- maybe we're not really friends, but I have seen her around. Sometimes." The best I could do was shrug.

Snow didn't respond.

It grew too quiet- we were just standing there while he studied the area, so I tried to muster up a conversation.

"Where do you live, Snow?" I asked. The feeling of his name coming off my tongue felt nice.

Snow's eyes looked down at me. "Where do I live?"

"Yeah."

"Look around you."

Confused, I glanced around. "...What?"

"This is where I live. Nature is my home."

"Nature is your-what? You can't survive out here!"

"Why can't I?"

I stared at him, flabbergasted. "First of all, you have no shelter, no food, no anything!"

"The sky is my roof, the fruits and small animals are my food- I have everything I could ever want." Snow said, taking a deep, relaxing breath.

I continued to stare flabbergasted at him. None of it made sense to me- sure, you can sleep out here for a small camping trip underneath the twinkling stars, but forever? No way!

"I share the blessings of the animals- God made this home for all living things." Snow said, nose up in the air, sniffing about.

"You're crazy," I muttered, shaking my head in disbelief.

Snow's large hands met my shoulders, and made me turn to face him. "How is this crazy? It's perfect. It's like an endless vast of vacation homes at your fingertips: nature."

The dark glint in his eyes obviously meant his was serious, but I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. How could he honestly live out here? And forever?

Snow seemed to sense my worry.

"Don't worry, Hope- I'll visit you as much as I can. You'll never be alone." Snow said. "You have me."

Those words managed to break through my tough skin and pull at my heart. I truly didn't understand why, but the strong warmth burning the inside of my chest and the apple of my cheeks felt welcoming. New. Amazing. I was at a loss of words, so I bowed my head and avoided his heavy stare. That stare always made me feel uncomfortable.

He gave my left shoulder two, hard pats, and then turned back to face the garden. "And, don't you worry about that letter- I'll find a way to take care of it." His eyes met my face for a brief moment. "Can you at least read?"

I hesitated, and then shook my head. "No."

"A little bit?"

"Very few words."

"...I see."

I felt stupid. Completely and utterly stupid. Opening my mouth, I spoke before thinking. "...Do you think of me an idiot now?"

Snow looked me dead in the eyes, and I froze. He seemed a bit upset at the question- his eyes were dark, eyebrows furrowed. I quickly looked at my bare feet.

"Why would I 'think of you an idiot'?" He asked.

I gave a quick shrug. "Because... I can't read or write..."

"Hope- look at me."

At first, I refused to look up- I was afraid of his reaction. But, for some reason, it was hard to disobey. In a matter of moments, my eyes met his.

"You've proved yourself not to be an idiot, Hope." Snow said, nodding reassuringly. "You hold yourself up well, you speak properly- don't let anyone tell you you're stupid. Understand?"

I looked back down. "O-Okay..."

"Good." Snow sounded pleased. He patted my shoulder. "I'm glad we're partners."

I smiled to myself. Me too.

Snow squinted up at the sky, lost in thought. "...you should probably head back to your little farm now. 'Parent's must be worried sick."

My chest tightened after remembering. He right- Mother or Father must have gone out to check on me by now!

"You're right!" I said, fear rippling through my body. "Thank you! I need to go!"

I felt Snow's overwhelming eyes burn a hole in the back of my head as I sprinted back into the forest, awaiting a strong scolding from either mother or father.

Or both.

But, it didn't matter to me, because Snow was watching over me.

Always.

SNOW VILLIERS

What was I doing? What the hell was I doing? Every time I stopped to think, I felt guilty- I felt bad. Sometimes I couldn't believe I was doing this. Sometimes I couldn't believe I was going to ruin Serah- ruin me. But, after all these years of having to go through the torture of not feeling loved- not feeling trusted- I threw my guilt out the window.

"Are you really going back to that place?" Sazh asked quietly, eyebrow raised in shock.

"Fuck off," I ran my fingers through my hair, taking a seat by the ocean-side milkshake store counters. "I feel like I have no other choice."

Sazh pushed a cold glass of beer to me. I watched the bubbles sitting on top of the beverage pop and froth. I wrapped my hands around it, enjoying the cold that radiated from the cool glass.

"That place is no good. No good at all- You should just stay here."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Stay here!? And you think here is any better!?"

Sure- where I was going was no good- it was terrible. But, I wasn't staying there for long. It was just a quick trip- that's all. Then I was going to go far, far away. And I wasn't going to come back. Never, ever. Bad memories followed me everywhere. There was no escape. It seemed eternal sleep was going to save me from this hell.

"I-I 'dunno, Snow," Sazh shook his head in disbelief. "It just... doesn't seem it's any good. Maybe you should go somewhere else."

I opened my mouth to reply, but Sazh didn't stop.

"-Just think about it." He said, wiped his hands with a towel, and then turned to help another customer.

I ran my fingers through my hair, and looked down at the beer.

I wasn't in the mood to drink anymore.

HOPE ESTHIEM

I woke up one morning with a gift from Snow. It was sitting at my only tiny window, awaiting my arrival. As usual, I opened the worn out flower print curtains and found it. At first I thought someone left it there by a mistake, but I soon realized that the only contact in the phone was Snow's, and that told me that it was a gift. My own, special gift. I never had a phone before- I never owned any kind of technology. Nothing valuable at all. The only thing of value was that beautiful silver necklace. Also given to me from Snow.

I forgot breakfast- I lied down on my back on my tiny bed, just fiddling with the phone. It was gray, with a tiny antenna poking out the left side of it. My heart fluttered and chest tightened as I opened and closed the wonderful gift. I was happy- so, so happy. He did it for me, all for me.

Not even the screaming and arguing from my parents in the room down the hall could ruin it for me. Before Snow, I would hide in my closet until they stopped. Then father would come in and shout at me; let out all his frustration that he held back when with mother. But, today was a different day. I was forever partners with Snow- life was great.

That evening when the stars were just getting ready to sparkle high in the sky, Snow came to visit. He knocked on my window, and I scurried to let him in, even though I hadn't taken a quick bath from working in the fields yet. Dirt smeared my hands, legs, face, and clothes, and I smelt of sweat, but it didn't matter to me. It didn't seem to matter to Snow, either. We were just happy to see one another.

After a while of struggling, Snow made it inside the window. I helped him inside, making sure to be quiet so my parents couldn't hear him. If they saw him, they would've freaked out. Me hanging out with an older man was as weird as a kitten sleeping with a lion.

"A bath," Snow said, out of breath, as he fell back onto my bed.

"A bath?" I repeated, scurrying to kick random clothes lying on the ground into the closet. I forced the door to close, and then hesitated before sitting down beside him.

"You're dirty," Snow said, carefully touching my hair. "Come with me- we can go to the pond in the forest and I'll help wash you off."

My face went red underneath the dried dirt, thinking about being completely exposed to Snow. I don't think I could handle that yet.

"As long as you don't come along." I muttered.

"What? Why not?" Snow's deep voice asked directly into my ear, his large arm casually wrapping around my waist. "I thought you like being with me?"

I looked down at my lap. "...I never said I didn't, but-"

"-But?" Snow pressed on.

"I-I'll be... you know..." My eyes avoided his. "...Naked."

"Why does that matter?" Snow asked, shocked. "It's not like I'll be watching you- I just want to help."

I smiled a bit. "Then thank you for helping." I tried to stand, but Snow's arm held me down.

"I've been helping you for a while now, Hope." Snow said, ocean blue eyes intense and serious. I couldn't help but stare into them. "As your partner, it's my job to help you."

I looked away bashfully. "I know- I-"

"And it's you job to help me. Understand?"

I looked up at him. "...I understand, but why wo-"

Before I could even finish, Snow's lips met mine. At first I sat there, still- unsure of what to do. His lips were so soft and warm that I didn't want to do anything but just sit there and let him take control.

In a split moment, my back was to the bed, and Snow moved over me instantly, tongue gently pressing against my mouth. My mind was burnt- conscious snuffed out immediately. His kiss was like a drug; it was like ecstasy. My hands gripped his broad shoulders, and his hands held both of my cheeks into place.

"Relax," He muttered against my mouth. His voice was deep and full of lust- my whole body lit up with heat.

I followed his order and allowed myself to relax in his welcoming arms. His poking, forceful tongue entered my mouth, and I couldn't help but let it. His met mine, and I felt a strong shiver go down my spine. My arms and legs began to quiver, and I closed my eyes tightly.

He moaned gently into my mouth, one hand slowly traveling down my chest and to my thigh, where it stayed and squeezed. Another shiver overcame me, and a whimper let itself out of my throat. Embarrassed, I tried to throw my head to the right to throw him off, but his remaining hand on my cheek slipped down to my chin and held it in place.

After a couple more moments of kissing, Snow pulled back, eyes glistening. A string of spit connected our bottom lips. My face turned to a deep shade of red as I swatted at the saliva string. A smile pulled at his lips, and his now-frazzled golden hair brushed the apples of my cheeks. It was a beautiful sight- his beautiful eyes, long golden brown eyelashes, red up-curled lips, and lightly red cheeks.

"Help me, Hope, help me," Snow whispered desperately. "Please- trust me."

I opened my lips, wanting to say something, but can't. He knew I didn't have to answer that question. He knew the answer to that question. All I could do was smile at him, love drunk.

And when he smiled back, I knew he understood my answer.

We were inseparable.

Inseparable.