Chapter 8

Clark opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again. Fear gripped his heart as he thought of Chloe turning away from him after he told her what he had done. He still hadn't forgiven himself for killing the baby. His mom and dad had said that they didn't blame him, but they hadn't spoken about it since. He knew it hurt them to talk about it, so he just buried the guilt deep inside and tried to forget about it. Clark turned his head and his green eyes connected with hers. She smiled reassuringly at him. Clark tried to smile, but his lips were too heavy with the emotions that were raging through him to force them to tilt into one. Sitting up and drawing his knees to his chest, he turned on the blanket until he was facing her. Resting his arms on his knees, Clark studied his bare feet. He didn't know where to begin.

Chloe reached over and touched his arm. "Clark, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I understand that it was a painful time for you. Whenever you're ready will be fine." As much as Chloe wanted to know what really happened during that time, she didn't want Clark to ever feel like he had to tell her anything. She wanted him to be comfortable to share with her, not feel as though he were forced. Clark was a very private person out of necessity. She wanted to be the one whom he would come, if he needed someone to talk to.

Clark tilted his head to the side, resting his forehead on his arms. "What if I'm never ready?"

Chloe smiled brightly. "Then, that will be okay, too." Chloe scooted a little closer to Clark with the intention of kissing him on the cheek and changing the subject to something more lighthearted, but when Clark looked at her with a frown on his face, she stopped in midstream.

"Chloe, you have no idea what I have done. You will think I'm a monster and run as far away as you can get from me so I can't ever find you." Clark's voice wobbled slightly. He cleared his throat.

Chloe touched his arm. "Clark, look at me…" Clark was avoiding eye contact since his last statement. "Clark…" His eyes came up to look into hers again. "The fact that you feel guilty and are concerned about what I will think definitely means you are not a monster or dangerous or whatever else you come up with to put yourself down. Clark, you are more human than anyone I know." Chloe smiled sweetly at him. "Besides, I have done some pretty awful things myself and we're still friends. You are always there for me." She reached out and trailed a finger from his temple down the side of his face. "I love you, Clark. There is nothing that you can tell me that will ever change that." Chloe looked at him with her heart in her eyes. "Whenever you want to talk, about whatever, I am here to listen, not to judge." She smoothed an errant curl back from his face.

Clark wrapped his hand around hers, holding it to his face, closing his eyes. After a moment, he released her hand and stared off into the distance. Taking a deep breath, Clark began to speak. "Jor-El, my biological father, was pressuring me to leave my parents. I thought that if I destroyed the ship, where I thought his presence was, that he would leave me alone." Clark paused to take a deep breath. The pain began to come to the surface as the visions of what happened tormented him. Now that he had started talking, it felt like a floodgate had opened up and it all came pouring out. "I stole a kryptonite key that Lionel had made and used it in the ship. It was the day of Lex's wedding to Helen. Mom and Dad came back home just as the ship exploded and the shockwave…" Clark stopped to take a shaky breath. Emotions of shame and guilt rippled through him. He should have told his father what he had planned to do. He should have never made the decision to do it on his own. Pete had even warned him not to do it without talking to his dad. "…it…the shockwave caused the truck to roll." Clark pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and rubbed them, trying to hide the fact there were tears gathering there.

Chloe scooted on the blanket until her back was up against the tree. She patted the blanket beside her. "Come here, Clark." Dropping his hands he looked at her. What she saw broke her heart. Clark seemed to have a habit of tormenting himself unnecessarily and she was going to do whatever she could to help him get over this. Clark looked at her blankly. "Come here and lie down, put your head in my lap." Chloe shifted her weight to get more comfortable. Clark smiled hesitantly and then, did as she asked. When Clark was comfortable, Chloe looked down at him and smiled, playing with his dark tresses. Clark sighed and closed his eyes. Chloe felt his body relax. "What happened next?" Her voice was calm and quiet.

Clark closed his eyes and took in a deep breath through his nose, taking in the scent of Chloe, sweet and spicy. He felt accepted and warm with her hand stroking his hair. He relaxed. He opened his mouth to begin speaking again. "Mom…" He paused and then let the words spill from his lips. "Mom was pregnant, but…she lost the baby and it was all my fault." The words came out in a rush. "Even my dad blamed me for not thinking things through and he was right." Even though his dad had said he and his mom didn't blame Clark, and he was upset when he lashed out at him, Clark still would never forget the look on his face when he told his dad what he had done, how his dad had turned away from him and shunned his touch. Clark's body tensed as he relived that moment in his mind. "It was all my fault, I killed the baby with my recklessness."

Chloe sighed. "Clark, I know for a fact your parents would never blame you for this. I'm sure that your Dad was just upset. You have to let it go."

"Chloe, I didn't tell my dad what I was going to do. I just did it and look what happened. I can never forgive myself for that." Clark bit his lip to stop the emotions that were threatening to overtake him.

Chloe had enough. She was not going to stand for Clark beating himself up over something that his parents weren't holding against him. "Clark, listen…your intentions were good when you tried to destroy the ship. Jor-El was trying to take you away from your family. There was no way you could have known that your parents would come back from the wedding early to check on you. They were worried about you, Clark. They love you." Chloe's voice was strong and sure. "Do they treat you any differently now?"

Clark felt like he was being scolded. Chloe was all fire at the moment. "No, they don't, but that doesn't mean…"

"Clark Kent, don't you dare say it." She had stopped stroking his hair, "One thing that I have learned about you, is your insistence that everything is your fault. Don't you think that is a little self-centered of you? The entire world does not revolve around you, so, therefore, everything could not possibly be your fault. If you don't let this go right here and now and realize that your parents love you and don't hold you responsible for your mom losing the baby, then you are going to have to deal with me, and trust me, you won't be pretty after I get through with you!" Chloe was breathing hard after her little tirade. She loved Clark, but she hated it when he brooded and blamed himself for all that was wrong in the world or when he blamed himself for things that were beyond his control.

Clark blinked and stared up at Chloe. He felt a smile begin to tease his lips as he took in her flushed face and erratic breathing. She was beautiful when she was angry with him. Clark always knew that Chloe was protective of him, but since she found out about his secret, her protectiveness went into hyper-mode, covering even his own hurting of himself. She was right. His parents had never treated him any differently. In fact, if he were really honest, they had a stronger bond than ever before. Clark sometimes couldn't get away from the poor decisions he had made. Couldn't let his mind rest from the guilt, because his decisions seemed to be life altering. If it weren't for his dad, he didn't know where he would be right now. "Chloe, you're right." Clark reached up and touched her cheek.

"Of course, I'm right." Chloe smiled down at Clark. "Is that why you ran away? Why you tore up the Torch office looking for the red kryptonite ring?" She began to stroke his hair as she talked.

Clark looked up into loving blue eyes. He smiled tentatively. "Yeah." Clark propped himself up on his hand bringing his face level with hers, only mere inches apart. "I'm sorry for the way that I treated you when you came to find me."

Chloe's lips curved into a gentle smile. "Clark, I understand that you weren't yourself. You were forgiven a long time ago, even before I knew your secret. I care about you…I love you!" Chloe leaned forward and brushed her lips against his.

Clark saw the love in Chloe's eyes. She was so amazing. He could kick himself for not seeing it before. It helped to talk to Chloe about what had happened when he ran away to Metropolis. In fact, it seemed to have released the guilt that he had held inside of him, made him realize how he was holding on to the past and not letting it go. He felt a little raw inside as the familiar guilt dissipated into the air. Chloe was smiling at him. He returned the smile with a slow, delectable kiss on the mouth.

"Mmmmm." Chloe muttered. She could really get lost in his kisses. Where had Clark Kent learned to be such a wonderful kisser? A thought crossed her mind. What if he learned all that while he was in Metropolis? Pulling back from him, Chloe looked him in the eye. "Clark, while you were in Metropolis, did you…" Chloe blushed and dropped her eyes from his.

Clark, puzzled at her embarrassment, slipped a finger under her chin and gently raised her face to his. "Did I do what?" Clark's eyebrow disappeared under a lock of dark hair.

Chloe licked her lips and giggled when Clark groaned and closed the distance for another kiss. Chloe placed her fingers over his lips right before he made contact. A frown appeared between Clark's brows. "Did you go out with anyone? Were you intimate with anyone?" Chloe felt her face grow hot and her heart thump in dread of his response. He had been hanging out in nightclubs and he did have his own apartment. His bed even had satin sheets on it. All of that screamed "sexually active". Maybe he wasn't as innocent as she thought at first. Clark could make her toes curl at a sultry glance, and he seemed to do that well. He wasn't clumsy or shy when he started kissing her. His hands were sure and confident when he touched her. He was gone for three months…and with all of his inhibitions out the window with the red k, it would only stand to reason that he had sex, lots of sex with many different women while he was in Metropolis.

Clark watched the emotions play across Chloe's face. He wasn't sure what she was asking him. He hadn't been intimate with anyone, but her. She was the only one who knew his secret. You couldn't be more intimate than that. Then, it dawned on Clark what Chloe was talking about. She was asking him if he'd had sex while he was in Metropolis. He felt a blush creep up his neck to his face. "No, Chloe…I didn't….I haven't…ever…you know…" Clark stuttered as he tried to make a coherent sentence. Clark looked into Chloe's eyes when he heard her laughter. Clark frowned at Chloe. Why in the world would she want to know that? Didn't she know him better than that?

Chloe was delighted that Clark hadn't had a lover yet. Her smile was wide and loving. She stroked Clark's cheek. "I'm glad that you didn't and that you haven't ever."

"Really?" Clark's shy blushing and frown turned into that sexy, sultry grin as he leaned in close to Chloe. His breath tickled her moist lips. Chloe's lips parted as she anticipated his kiss. Clark's eyes shifted from her green ones to gaze at her lips. He could hear Chloe's heartbeat kick up a notch as she waited for his kiss. Slowly and gently, Clark barely touched his mouth to hers, teasing her. Chloe moaned and captured Clark's mouth with her own, her hands holding his head right where she wanted it. Clark melted into her embrace, wrapping his arms around her. He lay back on the blanket taking Chloe with him.