"Ok," he said, in that understanding tone, urging her to continue. He knew Alec had had a bit of a thing for drugs when he and Gillian had first met. He remembered doing a line or two with him at a conference one night to try and help him loosen up while meeting Gillian's work colleagues. Ridiculously unprofessional now that he thought of it in hindsight. Gillian had blown a fuse when she found out. She'd scolded Cal for being so unprofessional and he was pretty sure Alec got an earful too. That was the last time Cal had ever touched drugs. Alec obviously couldn't say the same.

He'd watched Gillian so carefully all the time she was with Alec and couldn't help but notice she was happier as the weeks went on. She was in love he'd concluded, he knew how that looked and felt. And when the engagement was announced he had just assumed that Alec had gotten his act together and kicked that habit. Apparently not.

"It was after Sophie. We tried to go through the adoption process again but I don't think either of us was ready. So, as you know, I threw myself into work. He threw himself into cocaine." She took a deep breath and Cal reached a hand out to rest on her arm.

"Have you spoken to him about it?" Gillian shook her head.

"I don't know that I can go through that again, Cal. I don't know that I want to." She hung her head and Cal closed his eyes. She was exuding deep shame and now he knew why she was so reluctant to have this conversation. He tightened his grip on her arm, his thumb rubbing circles through the fabric. She looked up finally.

"Now do you understand why I want us to keep the line in place?" she said, tears dribbling down her face. Cal swallowed, reaching a hand up to thumb away her tears.

"Gillian luv, you're going through a tough time. You shouldn't be keeping something like this bottled up. You need your friends. You know, sometimes it's hard to believe you're the bloody psychologist!" he joked, hoping she wouldn't take it the wrong way. She didn't. She chuckled as he lowered his hand from her face.

"I don't know what to do," she suddenly said in a quiet, pained voice. Cal shifted his seat closer to her and draped his arm across the back of hers, his hand pulling her to him.

"What do you want to do?" She shook her head.

"I don't know. But it's broken Cal. It's all wrong."

"I know luv." He stared straight forward, content just to hold her tight and let her talk as she saw fit. She was staring out the window.

"How does it even happen Cal? How, after six years does something that was good just go bad? You'd think after six years, you'd be safe." Cal bit his bottom lip.

"It's never safe love. Not after one, six or even fourteen. Look at me. I'm old, miserable and alone," he smirked and she glanced up at him, a smile threatening to creep across her face.

"Looks like I'm joining that club," she said sadly and he looked at her.

"You're sure about that then?"

"About what?"

"About getting out? Because you need to think about that. You need to think about the pros and cons. You need to think about your happiest times and your worst times and see which ones you can't get out of your head because if it's the happy ones then you might still have something to save." He knew this stuff. He'd gone through enough of it with him and Zoe when they were breaking up. He'd had the same doubts as Gillian at the time. Why is it breaking up now? How does it even happen after so long together? Eventually he decided he'd never know. Some things just weren't meant to be and sometimes they just took a bit longer to run their course.

"I've spent six months thinking of nothing else Cal. I went through it all once. I'm not doing it again. Not for someone who's barely spoken to me since everything with Sophie, as if, as if it was my fault it all happened. Who knows, maybe it was…" Cal twisted his chair around in front of her, her legs sandwiched between his as he tipped her face up with his hands.

"That wasn't your fault Gill and you know it. Christ, is this how he's been making you feel for the last six months? Sod leaving him love, I'll fucking kill him." Gillian smiled at him through her fast forming tears, shaking her head.

"He's dealing with it in his own way…"

"By getting high and blaming you?"

"I never said it was the right way." Cal watched her face, watched the emotions play across it as he stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, his own head shaking at what was going on for her.

"Gill, you've had, from my calculations, six months of extreme unhappiness. And of all the people I know, you're the one person that I know doesn't deserve that. I'm not telling you what to do because God knows I'm no expert. Whatever you decide is your choice. But, in future don't be extremely unhappy on your own eh? I'm right here and, as for the line, lines are made to be crossed. Just, trust me." She hadn't taken her eyes off him since he'd tipped her face up to look at him. His hands were still on her cheeks, thumbs stroking her jaw bones and she suddenly felt as though she could fall asleep right there. He was right of course. You should never be unhappy alone, and she did feel much better now that she'd told someone. Better and yet distinctly lost, like saying it aloud had made it all the more real and she suddenly felt the need to be held tight.

But she knew she wouldn't be so she stood up instead and he followed suit. She started pulling her coat on again and he helped her get her arm through the sleeve. She turned back to face him, her eyes darting to the ground, she was still hiding. His hands fell on her arms.

"It's going to be ok luv. I promise you that." AS she looked up he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear before dropping his hand back to her arm. Nodding, she stepped in close and wrapped her arms around his neck, her chin falling to his shoulder as his arms encircled her waist holding her tight. He turned his head slightly to breathe in her scent and closed his eyes at the intoxication of her.

Pulling back from him a little she placed a soft, thank you kiss, on the corner of his mouth, where they usually directed their friendly greeting pecks. Cal smiled as she did but it fell slightly when she didn't pull away. They stood close for a moment, Gillian's lips and inch from his, her hands pulling back and onto his jaw and neck. He opened his mouth to speak but never got the chance as her lips came down on his and then he was kissing her. He couldn't help it though he knew they were wrong. It had never stopped him before but somehow the feeling was going through his head that he was tainting her. He still kissed back though, one hand splayed up her back pulling her closer to him, the other on her hip.

When they broke the were breathless and rested their foreheads against each other.

"What…" Cal tried but breathlessness overtook him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," she said quickly and quietly. He glanced up at her face. No remorse, no shame, just…desire. He gulped.

"Gill don't get me wrong, you could do that to me all day and I'd happily stand here looking forward to the next day but…you're married, luv. And I know you're uncertain about it but...this is, more my style than yours. You're better than I am and I don't want to drag you down to my level, I've never wanted that." He couldn't believe that he was effectively turning down Gillian Foster, the woman he'd wanted since pretty much meeting her and here he was saying no to her. But, somewhere, he knew he was doing the right thing. She needed to figure things out for herself. He'd still be there when she did. She took a small step back from him.

"Cal, you're not dragging me anywhere," she said softly, hurt, he noticed and he mentally kicked himself.

"Gill, no, listen…" She shook her head.

"No I get it Cal. I'm the good girl, I'm not supposed to step out of line because it would ruin the image you've made of me for yourself. I get it. Let's just forget it." She made her way to the door and Cal stared as she went, his mouth open wide, aghast. How the bloody hell had that happened?

Ok, so I have an idea of where this is going and hope to get moere up soon. Hadn't even intended on making this more than a one shot but you mean people convinced me!