A/N: This isn't AU, because I'm not the only one who has trouble seeing either Xanxus or Squalo as gardeners by will.
Hence this load of crap- I mean, this chapter.
Enjoy~!
Xanxus really, really, really hated flowers.
Not just because, for one reason or another, women (and some men) made flooding his office with bouquets of brightly-colored blooms their meaning of life (they could go die for all Xanxus cared); he was also horribly, horribly allergic to the pollen those stupid flowers secreted into the air.
So why the fuck was he out here, in the backyard of Varia HQ, standing amidst the bush after bush after bush of fucking flowers?
All in all, he blamed Squalo for his predicament, as he always does. After all, it was the stupid shark's fault he didn't get the meat he wanted. It was the stupid shark's fault the wine wasn't the right kind. It was the stupid shark's fault he lost his temper, and it was the stupid shark's fault his office and a good part of the castle was in charred remains.
The garden, apparently, was the only place that was still whole, and while carpenters and workers swarmed the blackened castle, the Varia were ordered (by mail from the Decimo, of course, since the ant didn't have the guts to do it in person) to stay out in the opened space Xanxus didn't even know existed until two hours ago.
Two hours later, Xanxus was still pissed as hell.
"Mou, Boss...!" Lussuria admonished, looking way too happy as he wiped sweat from his brow. He passed by Xanxus to dump the handful of dandelions into the compost bin, successfully releasing a cloud of yellow right by his boss's nose. All of Xanxus's energy had to be spent on holding back the pending sneeze, and (sadly) couldn't go into glaring Lussuria to death. "You should help us clear up a spot to set up the tent!"
"Shut up!" Levi exclaimed, popping up from behind a giant hedge of ash leaf spireas to defend his boss, unfortunately sending another puff of pollen into the air. Xanxus had stopped breathing by now, holding his breath and silently cursing every single flower to suffer and die horrible deaths. "Boss will never have to work, as long as I'm serving him!"
"Shishishi~" Bel looked up from where he was straddling Fran's waist, trying to, apparently, tickle the illusionist into laughing (it wasn't working so well- Fran still stared up impassively, proclaiming quite loudly he wasn't at all ticklish and would sempai stop raping him already). He waved around the bunch of kashmir roses in the air. Xanxus would very much like to pull out his gun and shoot, had his hands not been itching to grab his nose, or to reach inside his fucking lungs and rip them out so he doesn't sneeze anymore. "Then wouldn't Boss be horribly bored? Even royalty has to do something sometimes, y'know..."
"VOOOIIII! ALL OF YOU SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK!"
Squalo jumped down from the tree, holding the hose Bel had tied Mammon up there with (the Arcobaleno now rested on his head, no doubt cursing the prince to a million hells and back- and by the looks of Bel, who suddenly stood and started swatting at the empty air around him, he was cursing him good). The force with which his boots slammed into the ground managed to resurrect the deadened pollen that had settled by Xanxus's throne.
Everything was that stupid shark's fault. Everything.
"Trash..." he growled, the wine glass shattering promptly in his grip. Lussuria wisely backed away, and Mammon hitched a ride on his shoulder. Before Xanxus could get his next words out, however, Squalo turned his attention to him, which wouldn't have been a problem, if the hose he held wasn't conspicuously been at Xanxus's head-level, or if the water hadn't been surreptitiously turned on.
Xanxus's eyes didn't need to be open to sense the tension, hear the sudden shush as sooty lashes, lathered with water, fluttered open. Red eyes promised death to all he saw, and at that moment, all he saw was the stupid swordsman who had pledged his sword, hair, and life to him, and managed to screw up this badly.
Then Fran murmured, "Waterplay?"
The heat in Xanxus's eyes turned into a different kind all together as he watched blue eyes widen in shock. Abruptly, Squalo bolted. Or, he would've, had a large hand not planted itself in his hair, yanking him back to the large, warm, and slightly threatening chest of the Varia leader. Xanxus then turned his cold gaze on the rest of the Varia.
"Disappear, scums. Now."
"No- wait- don't go...!" Squalo whimpered, trying his best to free himself from the iron grip Xanxus had around his torso. The rest of the Varia looked at him, Xanxus, exchanged looks, and turned to walk away.
"Play safe now!"
"If Boss says so..."
"Ushishi~"
"You're welcome, long-haired commander!"
"Die, Bel. Die."
When the garden gate swung shut behind Fran, Xanxus returned to the matter at hand. He discovered, quite pleasantly, that the face-ful of water had cleared up the building pollen, sending any risk of sneezing blasting off into the heat of the sun. He lowered his mouth to Squalo's neck below him, sucking hard. The swordsman gave a stuttering gasp, and the hose in his hand fell right into Xanxus's.
Defying all rules of gravity and time (Einstein could die along with all the flowers and Squalos in the world, in Xanxus's opinion), Xanxus was already walking away before Squalo could register his sudden position on the ground, and the fact he was sopping wet.
"Now we're even, trash," Xanxus said, almost pleasantly, as he disappeared inside the half-gone castle for another glass of wine.
A/N: It's summer, and my brain has promptly died along with all sense of creativity.
There are so many mistakes in this thing, it's not even funny.
But... please please please please pleeeaase review...! This fic has 4 chapters now, and less reviews than my oneshot. I'm growing uneasy here, people...
Discontinuation...?