FELIZ CARNAVAL! Happy carnaval! Time to samba every one! To commemorate this wonderful time of the year a chapter for you! Apparently yesterday was Valentines Day. Well, your coultre lesson for today is that Valentines Day here in Brasil is actually the 12th of June, I don't know why but that's how we roll down here… do you feel the culture yet?
On another note, I LOVE YOU ALL! So many reviews! I'm going to cry Happy tears!
Thank you to threeBOWLSofRAMEN for drawing me some fan art! You can see it on my profile if any of you are interested. Another thanks to O'chibi-brat for reviewing all my chapters in one go! And all the rest of you who reviewed too. You know who you are and I love you all so. 333
Warnings: I made you laugh (kind of), now I'll make you cry (not really)
I'm nervous about this chapter too but I'll shut up now… again, thank you all! R&R
Light Blue
Show me an optimist, and I'll show you a happy-chondriac.
They were walking again. It seemed like the only thing they did was walk. The trip down the stairs had been much easier than the trip up them, but hardly more pleasant. With Anger joining them it seemed like things weren't going to be going as smoothly as he hoped. The man was always teetering on the edge; in a constant state of irritability that could be pushed over to rage by the smallest thing…
With Courage it was bound to happen, you just were asking for trouble.
In fact, the personalities were bickering at this very moment. And it was driving Raito mad! They argued over everything and with Courage's inability to understand where to draw the line the fight looked like it was never going to end. They had been at it since they left that stupid building.
Annoyed, Raito decided he would be feeling better if he stayed away from the two. He walked over to join Aizawa, Matsuda and Mogi. His father'd decision to try and break up the bickering pair was falling on deaf ears and Raito was in no mood to help. The other personalities were smart enough not to get involved, keeping their distance.
Raito sighed. The thoughts he had when he first got here seemed laughable now. He thought he would actually find something useful here? Ha! If anything, things just got more confusing! No wonder the detective kept himself with a permanent blank face. If this was what it was like to be an emotional detective it was more than understandable! It was necessary!
He walked closer to the three team members but slowed down once he heard the conversation.
"I never thought Ryuzaki would be… you know, uh…" Matsuda was saying awkwardly.
"Sexual preference isn't something necessary for the co-workers to know of, Touta. It's not something that interferes with work in any way. And only if it did would it be of our concern, but this is Ryuzaki-san and he is anything but unprofessional. And if you haven't noticed, Ryuzaki-san isn't exactly jumping up to talk about his personal life. So there was really no real chance of us knowing… Why? Does it bother you Touta?" Mogi said, his tone serious. Mogi was a man always with his feet firmly on the ground. Raito was surprised the man didn't advance further in his work. Unfortunately Mogi had always been more of a follower than a leader…
"WHAT!? NO! N-no! It's not that at all! It's just… he and Raito… and the case…" Matsuda stumbled over his words, not finding the words to express to himself.
"He threw the boy in prison for 50 days, kept his father captive for almost the same amount of time, then forced the chief to point a gun at his 'potential boyfriend' as a test! I don't know about you, but that doesn't exactly scream "love interest" to me. Even if Ryuzaki isn't exactly the most normal human being to ever walk the earth," Aizawa grumbled.
"Yes, the very last thing you want to do is cause a bad impression on your father-in-law. And what he did isn't something I ever want to do to get a love interest. As far as I can see Ryuzaki-san is anything but driven by his feelings."
"But no-one is made of stone! He likes Raito! That's obvious! I think he should take initiative! What do you think Aizawa?" Matsuda insisted.
"Matsuda, as far as I'm concerned, Ryuzaki is asexual and will continue to be asexual forever in my mind. I do not want to talk about his preference. I do not want to talk about his existent of non-existent sex life. I do not want to talk about if he has a possible attraction to the CHIEF'S son! I do not want to talk about this period! I don't think I can ever enjoy pie again!" Aizawa half-whimpered, half-growled.
"But-but--!"
"Why are you so interested in this anyway? We established that it doesn't interfere with his job so as far as I see it there is no reason to discuss this. It is what it is. Why should you care Touta? Are you sure you're not bothered by this?" Mogi asked again, this time gentler.
Yes Matsuda, why are you so interested? Raito thought wearily to himself, still keeping his distance as not to be noticed but still be able to listen in.
"NO! It's just… it's just… I want to see L, uh I mean Ryuzaki, happy! He's always so indifferent to everything. He never goes out, he spends his life isolated, it's all so sad. I have never seen him do something for himself. Have fun. Be happy…" Matsuda's voice got quieter and quieter as he went (but not so quiet that Raito couldn't hear him) kicking the ground as he walked.
The men were quiet for a moment.
"You're such a woman Matsuda," Aizawa sighed.
"Hey! Just because you don't like Ryuzaki doesn't mean all of us don't either!"
"It's not that I don't like Ryuzaki… It's just… he's hard to get along with, okay? His attitude gets under my skin. We really don't see eye-to-eye most of the time, you know? He can be so unprofessional…" Aizawa sighed. Matsuda huffed, crossing his arms.
Aizawa scowled. "There's only a little problem with your plan anyway Matsuda, you're assuming not only that Raito is gay, but that he will even consider dating Ryuzaki! You've been reading too many romance novels."
"I thought you didn't want to talk about this, Shuichi." Mogi said with a grin.
Aizawa glared. Mogi's grin only got larger. "Oh, don't you start with me Kanzo! Don't you start! It's YOU two who won't let the subject die! Gossiping like two hens! Matsuda I understand, but I never expected this from you Kanzo…"
"You flatter me Shuichi."
"Shut up."
"You two obviously have an issue with this new revelation, and I find it best to tackle a problem sooner rather than later between friends. That's better than it popping up in a situation which could cost you your jobs or reputation or even the respect of your co-workers," Mogi said lightly. The other two blinked at him.
"…. What are you? A psychiatrist?" Aizawa snorted.
"Once again, you flatter me Shuichi." Mogi's grin caroled back on his face.
"…. Moron."
"But they would look so cute together!" Matsuda squealed happily, obviously ignoring the sideshow to dream off in his own matchmaker land.
"Again, Raito has to be gay, GAY, and completely insane to go for Ryuzaki," Aizawa said rather loudly, trying to pop Matsuda's bubble.
…. He wasn't insane (not yet, at least…) but what could he say? The detective got ailing all of a sudden okay? Plus the girls he went out with were hardly as interesting as the detective was… or had as much in common (for the most part) or such a cute ass…
...Anyway….
"Not necessarily. He could be bisexual or pansexual or Ryuzaki-sexual…" Mogi trailed off.
"What the-? Ryuzaki-sexual? Who the fuck turns for one person!? Who the fuck would turn for Ryuzaki!?" Aizawa asked disbelievingly, looking at Mogi weirdly.
…Apparently Raito did…
"Just because you don't find Ryuzaki-san attractive doesn't mean no one does, Shuichi. I had a friend in college. Straight as a ruler. Met this one guy… he's now lived in southern Tokyo with him for almost 4 years… they're trying to adopt children now. I wish them the best of luck," Mogi said with a far-away look. They were probably good friends.
Aizawa stared at him blankly.
"Oh, yeah! With My niece, no-one saw it coming, with all the men she dated… We found out during a family Christmas party, my sister almost had a heart attack! They're fine now. Sis did take a lot of therapy to get over it but now they couldn't be closer," Matsuda said happily, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"…Am I the only normal person here? Really…" Aizawa asked the heavens.
"No, you just don't know all that many people. Which is a shame really. You're a charming man, Shuichi …" Mogi teased.
"... Shut up."
Mogi's demeanor suddenly changed from playful and good-natured to serious. "Shuichi, I have seen too many hate crimes in this line of work to be anything but sympathetic to people who are afraid to be themselves because others can't accept differences," Mogi said coldly.
Aizawa looked away. "It is hardly like that Kanzo…"
"I know."
"But guys, didn't you see how he looks at Ryuzaki! There's something there! I'm telling you!" Matsuda insisted again, breaking the tension.
…Stupid Matsuda. He shouldn't be insightful!
"…Oh yes. You mean like moments ago when Raito was screaming bloody murder trying to get away and/or bash the man's teeth in. Oh yes, that just SCREAMS true love to me! How could I have been so blind!?" Aizawa's words were dripping with sarcasm. Matsuda stuck his tongue out at the other.
"Don't be mean Shuichi. But he does have a point Touta. You know Raito does have a repetition with women." Mogi sighed, seeming a little disappointed himself. With what exactly, Raito wasn't sure.
And what a reputation that was! Raito ground just thinking about it! They melted with just a look!
… But not L. Never with L. He would need to work hard to get L. Not just a sly smile and sweet word…
"You said so yourself! He could be bisexual or Ryuzaki-sexual. You guys just don't see it! You have to see the way they look at each other. It's there!"
"Touta, I know your intentions are good, but face it, you're just a hopeless romantic. This is probably unrequited…uh, affection. And even, supposedly, Raito did go for Ryuzaki-san there is still the Kira casa in the mix. Face it Touta, you have no chance of playing matchmaker…" Mogi said realistically.
"LOVE CONQUERS ALL!" Matsuda shouted dramatically.
"Love? What love? Who said anything about love? It's all probably just a crush or hormones or something, you're such an idiot Matsuda," Aizawa said grouchily.
Suddenly Courage popped up from nowhere and swung his arms around Matsuda and Aizawa's necks. "Yes! But he's a special kind of idiot!"
"Were you eavesdropping on our conversation?" Aizawa glared.
"Noooooo. I got here at 'you're such an idiot Matsuda' and came to say you are completely correct in that statement Aizawa, but that Matsuda is a very special breed of idiot!"
"…Oh really…"
"Yeah! He's the 'moronic but lucky' type! No mater how stupid he acts, his blunders, or the idiotic situations he gets himself into, people just can't be mad at because he's just too cute! And innocent! Cute and innocent! Not to mention his stupidity usually lands him a lead or a case-breaker! Cute, innocent, AND lucky! The perfect man! How are you single?" Courage pinched said man's checks.
Matsuda rubbed at them. "Uhh, thanks, I guess…"
"You're welcome cutie!"
"And what type of idiot are you?" Aizawa snorted, not expecting an answer.
"Me? I'm an even rarer type of idiot!" Courage said excitedly, releasing the men and jumping in front of them, bowing.
"I am someone with a ridiculously high IQ but acts like a complete moron and a pain in the ass!" Courage said happily.
"…Why?
"Because it's fun! Did you ever notice that stupid people have more fun? Smart people are just so filled with problems it's boring! Look at Logic and Reason! Two sticks in the mud. What life is that? No fun at all! And I just love the expression people get on their faces when I do something moronic! In other words, I'm an asshole!"
The men's faces were blank. Eyes wide. Mouths slightly open.
"Yeah! Like that! They look exactly like that! HAHAHAHA!" He laughed wholeheartedly and rushed off.
The team was quiet for a minute.
"This place will age me 50 years. I know it. It will age me 50 years…" Aizawa cried, covering his face with his hands, shaking his head.
Raito moved away, having heared enough. Apparently his father had managed to break up the bickering pair.
They were right. There was so much to destroy this possible relationship before it even started. It was obvious L liked him but he didn't make a move. He didn't succumb to his own feelings.
That meant that if he wanted anything from that man HE would have to be the one to make the first move.
The question was, did he want to be in a relationship with L?
…Did he? Now that was something he hadn't thought about. This simply couldn't be a one-night stand. They were chained together. Whatever his decision would be would affect more than just himself. He had to take into consideration his family, the team, and the case.
Then there was L himself.
The only good thing about the man's personalities was that Raito could break down what was in his favor and what wasn't.
Let's see. There was Happiness. He pretty much liked Raito, which was good. Child-ness surely like him, he was almost attached to him. Raito guessed he fed the man's inner child… then there was Love… err.
There was Logic and Reason. Now that was their real problem. They had the most influence and they pretty much hated him… Anger wasn't much better really. However he seemed to be angrier with himself (Love) than with anything else. Courage… Courage… well, with what happened before it was self-explanatory.
So the numbers were 4 to 3 in favor. Not bad.
Then why did he still think it would all be pointless?
"Do you feel all right Raito-san?" Raito almost jumped out of his skin. Love's soft voice made hot lava run up and down his spine.
"I-I'm fine, why do you ask?" Raito cursed himself for his stuttering.
"You seemed so involved in your thoughts. I hope you're still not thinking about what happened earlier…" Love's face lit up with a blush and he looked down.
…Rai-pie…
Raito shuddered.
"No, something else is on my mind. Don't worry about it."
"Oh."
They walked in silence, hearing the other group members chatter around them. Courage and Child-ness were chasing each other around while Reason and Logic muttered between themselves and his father joined his team.
It was becoming very awkward…
"I'm sorry, I apologise in place of my… co-worker. Courage is-"
"Senseless? Annoying? Fearless? An asshole?" Raito said helpfully.
Love smiled and looked down at the floor, making him incredibly cute.
Raito smiled as well.
"Yes. I hope his harassment hasn't traumatized you. Or made you think less of us. He's very strong and we let him out in moderate doses so he doesn't land us in trouble. Too much of anything is bad for you," Love said with a bit of humor in his voice.
"Yeah."
They looked at each other and Raito felt really hot all of a sudden. "Uhh," he said intelligently.
Love bit his thumb before rushing off with a quiet 'excuse me'. Raito watched him go, biting his lip.
No-one ever said that just because a relationship might be doomed from the start didn't mean it should be discarded, right? Or that you shouldn't even try… who knew? He might just have a chance…
While they passed another empty street of the mazes of buildings known as L's mind Raito noticed something. He would have never noticed it if he weren't looking that way.
"Hey! Guys, look over here! I think I saw something!" Even before the words finished coming out of his mouth Courage was peering from behind his shoulder. He rolled his eyes and walked after what he thought he saw down the street.
As he got closer, what he saw came into perspective.
It was indeed another personality. This one had a very light blue shirt. It was a clear blue; a nice shade indeed. However, the nice color of the shirt was dragged down by the personality himself.
One word to describe the man was heavy. It looked like everything on him weighed tons. The way the man stood looked like he had an invisible ball and chain around his neck making him hunch backwards. His arms hung limply at his sides, swinging lifelessly.
Over all he looked wet as well. His hair was falling down like he had just came out of the pool or shower. This made his hair longer giving the man a more feminine look. The personality himself looked airy, like he was lost in life. (Something the personality and L sure as hell didn't share).
His eyes were a crystal shade of blue, differing from his shirt, but they were also the saddest eyes Raito had ever seen. They were filled with such misery it made Raito depressed just looking at him. Like he was a man who had went through too much in his life and was questioning why he should go on.
One thing that personality had that the others didn't (or at lest Raito thought they didn't) was a sent. The man smelled like rain.
"Uh, hello…" Raito tried. The man dragged his eyes away from the sky to spare him a glance before his eyes turned back upwards.
"Hello."
Raito fidgeted. Where was everyone?
"What are you doing?" He tried again. This was awkward…
"Me? Contemplating the meaning of life. It's useless really. Life. We live for a period of time then we're gone. Nothing but a memory in the minds of the people we know, before they too, die. What lies beyond the grave? People always wonder. Why do they wonder such a thing? Isn't it possible that there is just nothing? No heaven. No hell…"
Raito coughed, feeling even more uncomfortable. Did the others lose their way?
The man started walking off and Raito, afraid to lose him, followed behind. He heard footsteps and was thankful the others were on their way.
"No. People can't accept that this might just be the end. How can we, as humans, think that maybe, just maybe, who we are as a person can forever be lost the day we stop breathing? Nothing-ness is not an option..."
He stopped. Raito stopped with him. Soon he felt the others join him. Courage opened his mouth to speak but the hands of Love, Happiness and Child-ness quickly covered it.
"That's why murder seems like such a pointless thing dose it not? Life is so fragile already. It takes so little to take a life away. An impact to the head, a slit to the throat or wrist or anywhere, really. It doesn't take much to bleed to death. Drowning, suffocation, burning alive. A broken neck. Allergies. So many little things can take a life. Small, simple and idiotic. People live in a rotten state, expecting the next day to be the same as the last, when so much can be lost at any moment…" the personality said airily, as if he was reflecting on a partially interesting book.
Raito glanced at the others. The team looked rather disturbed and more then a little uncomfortable. Probably because as policemen they actually had seen every death the man described…
"Death will come at the snap of the fingers, but saving a life? Ah, now that's much more thrilling. I never will understand the men and women who take pleasure in torture. In murder. Humans are so easy to kill. Flesh so soft, tears so easily …" he looked over to Raito, whose eyes were wide. "Don't you think? A life is so much harder to save than to take?"
Raito shifted. "Y-yeah."
"I wonder why they do it then…" he hummed and started walking again. He walked as if he floated on his feet, which was a paradox in itself since the man look like he carried the world on his back.
"That's why I'll never give up being a detective. Saving a life is so much more fulfilling than taking it. No?"
Raito quickly came to understand that the men made all these rhetorical question as a form of making other people question their own perspective.
He didn't like that. He wanted answers to his already large pile of questions. Not philosophical bullshit about human existence.
Raito stopped. Where did that come from? He suddenly became uncomfortable in his own skin. Maybe he did have a few screws loose in his head…
Or at the very least an alter ego…
But it didn't feel like an alter ego. It felt like him, but just… crueler…
Evil.
Ah, it was all in his head. Nothing to worry about. He just had too much time to think, that's all…
What were they talking about again?
"We are all equal in death."
Oh yeah. All that morbid stuff.
Raito was pulled out of his musings by the sight ahead of him. At first he thought they were back to the Plaza but quickly corrected that mistake.
It was another small clearing. But it wasn't strategically built the way the Plaza or the Hall was. No, this clearing was there because of the giant, gaping fissure across the floor. It was a triangular crack, the largest part ending at the line where the city met desert. Sand slid its way into the fissure making a lump in the distance. Overall the fissure was half a kilometer long and around 30 meters wide… that is, as far as Raito could tell.
As they got closer Raito saw that its jagged broken edges were fenced by a simple iron fence painted white.
"What is that?" Matsuda asked curiously, popping up beside Raito and standing on his toes to get a better look.
"Sadness, why did you bring us here? You know the land here is unstable." Logic (probably Logic) said broadly.
"Unstable!" Matsuda squeaked.
"I like it here," was the simple answer. Sadness continued to walk. He leaned against the railing. Raito twitched, suddenly afraid of what the personality might do. It was a fissure for Pete's sake! And the man wasn't the most…uh, emotionally stable.
You just don't let sad people near high drops…
Raito took the opportunity to peer down at the wide chasm. It didn't seem like that far of a drop… well, at least it didn't seem like it would kill you if you fell. Even if he couldn't really see the bottom… But what was more interesting were the mechanics lining the dark walls. It looked like an engine room if taken out of context.
"L…" Raito said slowly, deciding to use the detective's normal address as if saying 'I'm asking every personality here for an answer.' "This may sound silly but… why do you have this giant gaping fissure going through your mind…?" Probably not a good sign, not a good sign at all.
"You're not insane, are you?" Matsuda blurted, once again not thinking before speaking yet thinking around the same lines as Raito himself.
"I've asked myself this question every day for a very long time now," Logic and Reason murmured off in their corner.
"Of course not! Silly Matsuda! Why would you say such a thing?" Courage asked with a teasing tone in his voice as walked by on his hands, staring at Matsuda from his upside down position.
"What?" he asked innocently.
Somehow the team didn't look too convinced.
"Pressure manifests itself in many ways. Some things in life are harder to mange than others," Sadness said airily, while he climbed the railing, and to Raito's horror, started to walk (balance) on the metal bar, which was no wider than the teen's pinky finger.
Not insane my ass.
"This is but a hair-sized fracture compared to the mind as a whole. However, it is a start of what could very well be a dangerous mental breakdown." Sadness continued, seemingly ignoring the panicking looks the team and Raito had on their faces as he walked along the bar.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" Aizawa asked rather loudly, worry (and maybe a tiny bit of anger) coloring his voice.
"Excuse me?" Sadness asked rather distractedly when Raito suddenly lunged himself at the man's pant leg.
This had the contrary affect to the one the teen had in mind, because instead of pulling the man to safety it only resulted in him losing his balance and falling backwards.
Into the gaping hole.
Managing to drag Raito along with him.
…
"AHHHHHHHH!"
"OH MY GOD! RAITO!"
The fall didn't take as long as the teen thought it would have, and the landing didn't hurt as he predicted it would. That, however, might be because someone cushioned his landing.
"Never before was I this happy to have metaphorical bones. Raito, I don't think my spine should bend this way," Sadness' muffled voice came from underneath him. Raito quickly got himself up, red in the face, but for once since he had gotten himself into this mess it wasn't from embarrassment but fury.
"What the fuck were you thinking!"
"I don't see what you're so mad about. You were the one who initiated the fall." Sadness' voice was annoyingly calm (reminding Raito too much of a certain detective)
"You were walking on a railing! Teetering at the edge of an abyss! You could have gotten yourself killed!"
"You can't kill emotion Raito. I have no body. We can't be hurt with items or impacts, only words and actions."
"What the hell is wrong with you!? That is still no excuse! You sacred me half to death! Who the hell takes a stroll on a railing next to a giant crack in the ground!"
Raito then heard the frantic calling from above, his father the loudest of them all. Maybe the drop was higher than he'd thought.
"I'm all right!" he shouted back, glaring at the personality next to him which was ineffective since he seemed distracted again.
"Thank goodness! Are you sure? No broken bones? How are you getting back up here!" his father's voice came from above.
Raito was about to shout back that he had no idea when a soft voice interrupted him. "We should walk to the end of the valley and climb the sand dune. That should lead us back up to the surface soon," Sadness said in his same airy tone before walking off.
Raito gave out an angry sigh. "We're climbing the sand dune! Wait there!" he called before he rushed off after the personality.
Actually being down in the inner workings of L's mind was rather creepy. Not only for what it represented but the fact that it was actually colder down there than on the surface. The way the opening up top was formed made the inside shadowed and ominous. Not to mention the machines gave off this dull raw that couldn't normally be heard beneath the thick glass.
The whole place gave off a type of horror movie vibe. It made Raito shift from foot to foot. Not only because of the uneasy feeling but also how ridiculous these thoughts were.
It's not like there was some sort of murdering monster crawling about.
…
He was really spending too much time with his sister. Soap operas, horror moves, all of this was mashing up his IQ. Ha. Monsters. Ha-ha.
…Ha-ha…
"Aren't you afraid of death?" Raito suddenly asked, trying to keep away such ridiculous thoughts. He promised himself he would start going out again instead of staying at home watching soap operas and horror movies with his sister… really, he had a better social life than this
After the chain came off of and the investigation was over, that is.
Sadness bit his thumb, eyes looking upwards, still walking at a sluggish pace. He then looked back at the teen. "Well Raito, I would like to think that yes. I have no fear of death. It is something that I feel rather familiar with but…"
"But?"
"Well Raito, who can truly say they have no fear of death? You can freely say that now that you have no qualms over death, but facing the end, knowing it will all be over and you have no idea what is coming next, if there is anything after this, can you really fear nothing? Overall, fear of death is nothing but uncertainty. People are afraid of what they do not know. And nothing is more mysterious than death. What will happen after that? Is there such a thing as an afterlife? Heaven or hell? Or is it just nothing? Will all that you are as a person disappear the moment you perish? To only live in the memory of the people who knew you? Before they too are gone and your existence may as well never have happened. That is a terrifying thought, is it not?"
"…Yeah."
They walked in silence. That lasted for a while. A long walk passing by what seemed like the same scenery over and over. Raito wasn't sure he could take any more of this personality. Raito himself never thought of such things. He worried himself with the present. How ugly the world was now. He didn't think of death or if something came after. He didn't have to. He was young. Almost eighteen. He had his life ahead of him; a bright and beautiful future. Why think of such things?
"You know, you are not really like the other personalities, are you?" He suddenly asked.
"No. I guess not." Sadness smiled a small smile. "I'm different because I don't take sides."
"Sides?" Raito echoed.
"Yes, sides. If you noticed there is a bit of a… let's say a small battle going on. Where logic and Reason are fighting to keep their position as ultimate dictators and the emotions are trying to gain back any ground they can. I stand on neither side. Emotions are not nearly logical Ratio. We go by how we feel, on instinct. Spontaneous. I, on the other hand stand in the middle. For I am not only emotional but also logical. My depression dose not come from spontaneous bouts of mood but the constant reminder of the reality in which we live in," Sadness said airily.
Raito didn't know how to reply. He tried, "So what? Are you depressed?" He could have tried harder.
"Oh no. Well, maybe slightly. I do not live the healthiest life Raito, and my job not only will most likely kill me at a young age but I am also constantly reminded of the cruelty of humanity. If I did not firmly believe that there is some good in people, well, I don't know what I would have done."
Raito's uneasiness had evolved into something much worse. What he would have done? Raito swallowed thickly. "Did you… uh, you know… is it- it really that bad? Did you? Oh- uh…" Raito made slashing motions with his hands trying to mimic what he was unwilling to ask.
"Oh no. No matter the situation I never could bring myself to such thing as suicide. It seems pointless. Same with self-mutilation. I find inflicting self-harm to be quite… fruitless. Manifesting emotional pain into the pain of the flesh will gain you nothing but more pain. The ways I find myself dealing with my reality are by trying to make it better. What better way than burying yourself in work? Depression is never an excuse. Though in retrospect I can't say I live the harsher side of humanity, death doesn't sound any better. Terrible things happen. They always will. The trick is not to linger on them. Life is meant to throw you into hardship and the fact that you emerge victorious and stronger because of it is what makes it worth it, no? Things can't always be good or bad. Your life will never be only a constant shower of pain and it is silly to talk yourself into believing such a thing. One extreme will not fix another."
"…Yes, indeed." Raito bit his lip, shifting from side to side. This conversation had taken a rather dark turn. He had no idea how to chaing the subject smoothly.
So he said nothing and just walked forward. The sounds of the machinery seemed louder in their heavy silence. Raito found himself not able to look at the personality beside him. Who acted like nothing extraordinary happened?
L never struck him as depressed; as anything but a powerful opponent; a respectable man, which Raito still found extraordinary. The man himself was nothing special. His appearance when Raito first saw him screamed 'drug addict' with his wide, dark-rimed eyes and pale-as-death skin. His slouch and the way he sat were things that Raito would normally look down upon.
What really made L L was his presence. His attitude. It was the way he carried himself. That is what fascinated Raito the most. L's appearance was nothing but a facade to hide what a dangerous man he was beneath.
And now Raito had dug a little too deep and a little too far.
He wasn't sure what to think of the information he received; how all this affected his view of the detective. He couldn't really balance it out because this was only one bit from a whole. But the teen had the impression Sadness had more respect than he led on. More power than he led on. When they followed him no-one questioned him or tried to stop him. When he talked no one interrupted him or questioned him.
Raito thought Sadness had a lot more control over the other emotions, over L, and he didn't know how that made him feel.
"We are here." Raito snapped his head up (apparently having his head bowed in thought the whole way).
They had reached the point of the valley where the sand fell in, making it into a cascade that lead up to the surface. Sadness started to climb it.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Ratio followed clumsily behind. The fissure was another upsetting problem. This--this random crack in L's mind worried Ratio more than he was willing to admit. Cracks meant breaking and breaking meant something terrible and this was a crack in the man's mind.
Sadness looked back over his shoulder, hands in front of him to help him climb. He waited patiently until Raito caught up to him. When the teen did they moved forward together. Heavy silence fell between them again.
They had gotten almost one third of the way when Raito felt eyes burning his side. He looked awkwardly to the side only to face the deep watery blue eyes of Sadness. He rolled his shoulders and cleared his throat.
"Yes?" Raito tried to sound his like his normal polite self but the rather high-pitched tone in his voice gave away his discomfort.
"Do you know what is rather depressing?" Sadness asked. Raito didn't answer. The personality stopped, half sitting half 'L' crouching on the sand. Raito sat with him.
"My first friend is going to kill me." Oh, not this again. Raito didn't know if he could swallow the Kira accusations at this very moment. Not after all of that.
"Look, we have been over this and-" two fingers suddenly covered his mouth. Raito's eyes widened at the feel of the digits on his lips. He turned wide eyes to the solemn face of the personality in front of him.
"It is sad, yet I find myself with mixed feelings. On one hand, it is rather comforting to know your death will come from someone you know and not some stranger. On the other hand, it is more heart-breaking to know you will be killed by a loved one." Sadness turned his head slightly to the side, as if trying to look for something deep within Raito.
"I'm not-" the brunet tried to say but the fingers only pressed harder against his lips, cutting him off.
"I have seen it all before. So much that it still astonishes me when I find myself surprised at something. You could have done so much Raito. Been anything and everything. I do not know what happened to you. If you lost your memory or if you have a personality disorder. Maybe you are just sick in the head. But I have seen something deep inside your eyes. And I know that the moment I take my last breath you will be doing your best to keep yourself from laughing out loud." Raito shook his head.
"It is all right." Sadness leaned forward so his face was next to Raito's own. "You may deny this now but there will come a point when this sweet boy will disappear and Kira will return to his place." Sadness brushed his lips at the side to the teen's temple making Raito tense and let out a strange mix between a whimper, a squeak and a gasp. His eyes were so wide they started to water because of the strain.
"I'm sorry. This will not have a happy ending no matter the way you look at it." Sadness leaned back and Raito had to wonder what look he had on his face to make the man crack a small smile. Even if it looked like he was on the verge of crying.
Suddenly the man was halfway up the sand and Raito's lips were free to hang open.
"They will be looking for us," came the personality's quiet voice. "We should hurry." He never looked back, climbing steadily up the mountain.
All Raito did was stare as he went, trying and failing to pull himself back together. His mind spun in loops as no reasoning came from it. Slowly he came to his senses enough to scramble back to his feet and follow the other up the dune.
All he could think of was:
I will make it a happy ending.