Lost, confused and upset. lost in my thoughts and wonder, wondering why? and for what?
mistories clouding my mind, like a fog drowning the path ahead.
But still...
things dont seem to be as bad as i thought they would be, working back to a friends house confused and lost in thought and wonder, blinded with tears, A thought crossed my mind, feeling this low, whilest working across a bridge that crosses a busy motorway, all's i have to do is jump, not even that, i could just step off the edge, wait for something big and heavy to come by and...
WHY THE HELL AM I THINKING LIKE THIS! angraly thinking to myself.
ok lets just get to danny's house and he'll help me.
what else could go wrong? its not like life is going to get any worse.
who cares anyway, who am I trying to kid anyway. i thought to myself, as i slumped onto a public bench.
What else could go wrong i keeped thinking to myself, thats why i was badly mistaken, so much more that could go wrong, and after all, who cared? realy who did?
that question was fiddiling with my mind, proding and poking at it like an animal locked in a very small cage.
Eventually after blindly working with tear full eyes, i arrived at danny's house, hoping he was in, i knocked at the door and waited a few minutes or so, the minutes felt like hours, eventually i come to the conclusion that he wasn't in. after working away from his house i dident know what to do or where to go, i hoped he would be in so i had some one to comfort me, and help me regain my normal self, but the one person i was relying on, wasn't there.
Demorolised, angry, confused and upset, i walked home, got into the house and ran up stairs before anyone could see the pain i was in.
Sat in the darkness of my bedroom i thought about some of the things i had been through in life, some of the things i had planned out, and almost did, and some of the things that i did, the with a blade i pulled out of a razor, with the blade in hand i raised my arm, and with the weight of my hand droped it onto my wrist with a lifeless swing, slicing into my arm, with a huge slash, and the sound of flesh ripping, the blood almost insently came to the surface then dripped, the dark red droplet sempet to take forever to reach the floor, glistening as it fell through a ray of light peeking through a gap in the curtain in the darkness of my room i staired at the dark red spot of blood, and felt a lonley shiver of cold jolt down my spine, shortly after another drop followd it, and another, then i felt a warm trickle of blood run down my wrist and to the tip of my finger, before falling through the darkness, to join the rest, when i looked back at the spots of blood, i felt faint, dizzy and a sudden sickening turn in my stomach almost made me through up, gipping once or twice before dearing to leave my room for a glass of water.
just knowing that my mom or brothers will notice the gapping slice in my arm was to much to bare. Cutting my self just added to the list of unwanted feelings.
two or three days passed feeling like this, almost every night crying my self to sleep before falling onto the same nightmare as i did the night before. question after question, thought after thought, night by night, all slowly and painfully passed by, most night went by with blood dripping from my arm, a month or so passed, with the same things passing by, day by day, cut by cut, and eventually the kindness of a friend came to hand, one painfull day passed after another, wearing a false smile to seem like a happy and joyfull person, after a while, i started to realise the pieces of my broken heart was slowly coming together again.
The kindness of strangers can change so much, with in a matter of days, the days quickly became weeks, and a friendship turned to a bond, then that bond turned to a crush. then after a few weeks with this painfull little crush was stopped dead in its tracks, after asking if she was intrested, but was shortly followed by a "no, i see you more as a friend then anything else, and besides that im not looking for a relationship right now, sorry"
I was a little bit upset about it, but i thought to myself well at least she was straight to the point about it, and gave me sympathy, with a sorry and a hug.
what started the bond and the crush was the help and friendlyness Beth gave to me, all of the things i explainded to her about the break up, was hard for me and some times when we was talking there would be a tear that would slowly run down my cheek, just the one single teardrop, when the name was mentioned.
with scared wrists and a some what strange smile, for once in a while i felt happy. happyness was a strange feeling to me after beeing along and sepressed, for so long.
but still the sadness was always there, tormenting my mind and questioning the reason why?...