A Tempo

Chapter Three: An Unhealthy Habit

Rachel had no clue what she was doing. Absolutely no clue. Which was strange in itself; Rachel Kutner always did everything with a purpose. But as she held the shirt to her face and took another deep breath, she had to wonder if she was losing her mind.

It had started out innocently enough. It was just another Thursday evening; she had worked an early shift and had decided to wash Michael and Andrew's clothes in order to pack them up for their weekend with David's parents. She had gone down to the laundry room and began unloading the contents of her laundry basket into the washer, sorting as she went along, when she came across an unknown article of clothing. She held it up to inspect it and realized it was Finn's large, blue and white striped, button-up shirt that he had put on Andrew.

She had forgotten she had it. In all honesty, she had tried to block the day out of her mind all week. It had been too emotionally charged and there was just too much on her plate for her to be distracted by the reappearance of Finn Hudson. But now, as she held his shirt in her hands, she couldn't help but smile at the memory of how cute Andrew looked wrapped up in it and how sweet Finn had been with the boys all day. She didn't want to admit that it had been nice to have a little help and she certainly didn't want to think about how seeing Finn made her realize that she had actually missed him.

That's when it happened. She didn't know what made her do it, but all of a sudden, she was holding the fabric up to her nose and she was inhaling slowly and deeply.

Oh God! He still smelled the same. She had always loved the way Finn smelled. Even when he was wearing cologne, which he rarely did, he always had that nice clean, crisp smell to him. In high school, just one good whiff of him could make her knees buckle. It was that cool, clean smell that led to more than a few make out sessions in the empty choir room and one particularly frenzied romp in the auditorium projection room.

She blushed at the memory and moved to put the shirt down so that she could wash it with the other light colors when she changed her mind and held the shirt up to her face again. How long had it been since she had gotten a good dose of Finn? Probably well before they broke up, she thought with a frown.

It's not that she had fallen out of love with him or that he cheated on her or anything like that. It had just become too hard to miss him all the time. She had moved to New York the week after graduation, much to the consternation of her dads and Finn. He wanted her to stay in Ohio and go to school with him before she made such a big move. But she had stubbornly insisted that she had to strike while the iron was hot – Broadway needed young talent such as herself and every year lessened her chances of making it big.

So they tried the long distance thing. He had gotten into Ohio University ("the other OU," as he had jokingly called it) on a football scholarship, and when he learned that it was home to the prestigious Scripps School of Journalism, he knuckled down in a way that Rachel had never seen before in order to transfer in. She had helped him mend his ways academically during their last years at McKinley, but this just threw her off. He had been so proud of his 3.67 GPA after that first semester, telling her that it was all for the best and once he graduated, he'd be able to get a good job in New York. Then they would both be making something of themselves.

But this new and improved Finn came with a price – on top of football, his fraternity, and school, he had barely any time to talk to her and they were only able to see each other five times over a six month period. She was constantly wondering what he was up to and worrying that he was forgetting her. The distraction became so intense that she even blew a couple of auditions because of it. Every time they spoke, she would nag at him in a way that she even made herself cringe. In short, she was becoming a person she didn't like. So, she instigated the break up.

He agreed, albeit reluctantly, that they should take a few months to sort themselves out and then he would come stay a couple of weeks with her during the summer. It never happened, obviously, and she hadn't heard from him since.

Rachel sighed. She always tried to avoid bouts of self-pity, but she couldn't help but wonder what her life would have been like if she had waited for Finn.

"Mama, what are you doing?" Michael asked, rolling his yellow Tonka dump truck into the side of the washer. "Why do you have that shirt on your face?"

"Oh, uh, I was just… making sure it was dirty."

Michael looked up at her, nonplussed. "But it was in the dirty clothes."

"Hey, I have an idea!" she exclaimed, changing the subject. "How about you and Andy help Mama fold these darks? Doesn't that sound like fun?"

He gave her an unenthusiastic look and shrugged indifferently. She took a few moments to give them a crash course in Folding 101, before returning to the washer. She made sure that Michael wasn't watching before leaning over to sniff Finn's shirt one last time and throwing it in with the rest of their clothes. She was going to have to return his shirt as soon as possible before her little problem became unhealthy.

As luck would have it, she had an opportunity to return it to him the very next day. Maura and Benjamin came to pick the boys up right at eight o'clock (why Maura insisted on picking them up so early was beyond her) and she had the late shift that day, so she figured she could go drop it off at the studio. She tried calling around ten in order to make sure he didn't have any plans, but his line went directly to voicemail, stating that they were recording and he would be back at his desk after noon.

That was perfect! She could surprise him and, if he wasn't too busy, maybe they could grab a quick lunch. There was one particular vegan place that she really liked in Midtown that she hadn't been to in ages.

She decided to take her time and actually get ready today, something she hadn't done in months. It wasn't as if she were trying to impress Finn or anything; if nothing else, she would get more tips for looking nice. So she did her hair instead of just throwing it up into a ponytail and took the time to do her makeup. Not over the top, naturally, just a little eye shadow and mascara to make her eyes pop and some lip gloss. She hoped that she didn't look too waitress-y in her black skirt and white button up, but it wasn't as if she was wearing her apron, so as far as anyone could tell, she could be just another secretary. And Finn had liked her back when all she wore were knee-highs and animal print sweaters, so she doubted he would mind.

Grabbing his shirt and her bag, she made her way to the bus stop and hitched a ride going Midtown. It didn't take long for her to find the studio on Sixth and made her way into the building.

"Hello," she said to the security guard, giving him a friendly smile. "I'm here to see Finn Hudson. Could you point me in the direction of his office, please?"

"Name?" he barked. He took up a clipboard and looked at her with a bored expression on his face.

"Rachel Kutner, but I –"

"Your name's not on the list. Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but I –"

"You can't go up unless you're cleared."

Rachel took a deep breath and tried not to lose her temper. "Well, sir, I'm trying to surprise my friend. Surely you can understand that –"

"You can't go up unless you're cleared," he repeated.

She reached into her purse and pulled Finn's business card. "But, I have his card. So if you could please –"

"Look, I don't care if you have the head of the network's card in your purse. We've got a lot of celebrities and important people coming through here and for all I know, you could have found that card on the subway. You can't go up unless you're name is on the list."

"Fine, I'll just give him a call myself and see if he can clear me," she snapped, turning away from the desk. She sat down on a sofa a few feet away from the security desk and began digging frantically for her cell. After a few minutes, she threw her hands up in frustration; she'd obviously left it on the charger at home.

"Can't a girl catch a break?" she implored the ceiling.

The guard, who had been watching her with a barely perceptible grin on his lips, cleared his throat. "Look, miss, I can tell you don't mean any real harm, so here's what I'm going to do," he said. "I'm going to call Mr. Hudson and see if he'll clear you. If he says no, then you just head on home. How does that sound?"

"Would you?" she asked gratefully. She waited while the guard called up to Finn's office, speaking quietly into the phone. "Well?" she asked when he hung up.

"You can go on up. Third floor, the secretary will tell you where to go from there."

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you," Rachel gushed, pausing to look down at his name badge. "Earl, I really appreciate it."

She nearly skipped into the elevator and hit the button. She fidgeted nervously with her hair and straightened her blouse during the short ride. She really should have called before she left the apartment, she thought.

The elevator doors opened and directly ahead of her was a large receptionists desk. She was about to ask directions to Finn's office when she heard a familiar voice in the hallway.

"Rachel!" Finn called, a big smile on his face. "How's it going?" He leaned over to give her a hug and she held her breath as Eau de Finn assaulted her senses.

"I'm so sorry," she said quickly as he placed a hand at the small of her back and led her back down the hallway. "I should have called first. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Nope, not at all," he assured her, guiding her into his office. "I was just working on some paperwork. Have a seat," he motioned to a chair across from his desk. "Sorry about the mess."

She took a moment to look around; everything was so Finn. The office itself wasn't huge, but it was comfy and had a large window looking out to the street. His desk was littered with papers, but other than that, it was neat and tidy. He even had picture frames on the wall and on his file cabinets. He blended in perfectly with his casual slacks, untucked shirt, and scuffed up loafers.

"So, how are you doing? How are the boys?"

"Oh, we're all good. The boys are staying with David's parents this weekend so I've got the apartment to myself."

"That must be nice."

"Well… not really. You get used to the noise after a while and it's depressing when they're gone," she admitted. He frowned slightly and her heart dropped. She shouldn't be overwhelming him with her personal life. "Anyway, since I had a little free time on my hands before work, I wanted to drop off your shirt. I washed it for you."

"Oh, hey! Thanks, Rach." He took the shirt from her and set it on his desk. "It smells good," he commented.

"It must be my dryer sheets," she said lamely.

"Oh yeah? I'll have to get the brand from you later."

"Sure, I'll write it down for you before I leave."

They looked at each other awkwardly for a moment and Rachel had to wonder if the other day had just been a fluke. They hadn't had a moment like this since just after he had joined glee club.

"You didn't have to come all the way down here to leave it, I could have met you," he finally said.

"That's alright; I wanted to get out for a little bit. Have you had lunch yet?"

He grinned, which caused her to relax a little. "No, I haven't. There's actually this place I think you might like –"

"Down Ninth?" she asked excitedly.

He looked at her thoughtfully and nodded. "How is it that you can still read my mind?"

"I'm a little psychic, remember?"

"Yeah, that's probably it," he replied with a shrug. Suddenly, his phone rang and he furrowed a brow. "Hey, I've got to take this. Do you mind hanging on a second?"

"Oh, do you need me to step out?" She stood to wait outside, but he shook his head vigorously, already lifting the phone to his ear.

She took the opportunity to wander over and look at the pictures on his wall. There were a few of him with guests from the show, one of him walking his mom down the aisle at her wedding, and one from his college graduation. Decked out in his cap and gown and smiling broadly, he stood with his arms looped over the shoulders of a couple of his frat brothers, judging from their matching stoles. In addition, he wore a couple of ropes and she had to blink back a sudden rush of tears. He had graduated with honors.

She didn't know why she was surprised; she always knew Finn could do anything if he put his mind to it. But maybe she had underestimated his determination, which made her feel a little guilty. He had always supported her one hundred percent of the time and she had to wonder if she had been too focused on herself and her own dreams to be that dedicated to him. It was an unpleasant thought and she sincerely hoped he didn't see it that way.

She turned to look at him, suddenly immensely proud of him. Catching her eye, he rolled his eyes towards the receiver and made a talking motion with his free hand. She moved on and looked at the pictures arranged on his file cabinets, pleased to see some she recognized – a snapshot of the '11-'12 New Directions, high school graduation, and a little 2 x 3 copy of their prom picture. She had felt like such a princess in her pink dress and on his arm. He really had been her Prince Charming back then.

Her breath caught in her throat, though, when she spotted the 4 x 6 of him and a pretty brunette posing on a beach directly behind it. Rachel had wanted to believe that maybe the girlfriend he had moved to Chicago with was mean and hateful like Quinn had been before she grew up, but with the light dusting of freckles dancing across the bridge of her nose, her laughing green eyes, and big smile, she could immediately tell that this girl was… well… likable. And they looked so cute together; she was just the right height for him and didn't look like a dwarf standing next to him at all.

"Sorry about that," he muttered, hanging up the phone. "One of our cameramen was freaking out about something the sound guy did."

He made a note and stuck it to the middle of his computer monitor. "I'll take care of it when I get back," he said mostly to himself. "You like my pictures?"

"Oh, yes. They're very nice."

"It wasn't my idea. My mom freaked out when I started working and insisted that I have pictures in my office. She bought all these expensive frames and guilted me into putting them up." He stood up and walked up behind her. He smiled and picked up the small picture of them. "Our prom picture, that's a good one. You looked great in that dress."

Rachel felt her face go red. "You didn't look half bad yourself."

"Aw, I hated that penguin suit," he said self-depreciatively. "I only wore it so I wouldn't look like a slob compared to you." He set the picture back down and straightened the photo behind it. "My mom still has the big copy up at her house."

"Was that the girl you lived in Chicago with?" Rachel asked, her curiosity getting the best of her.

"Um, yeah. That's Audra. She's a great girl, you would have liked her, I think."

"I'm sure I would have," Rachel said. But deep down she was bitterly thinking that she would have loved to see Audra get eaten by lions.

"Hey, do you want to meet Sam before we go to lunch?"

She looked up at him in surprise. "I don't know, Finn, I'm not really dressed and –"

"Come on!" he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her out into the hallway. "She's really nice, I promise. And she loves to meet new people."

Rachel tried to protest as he fairly dragged her towards the back of the building, pointing out different offices and how to get to the studio. They finally reached another receptionists desk and Finn smiled at the girl sitting there. "Hey, Abby. Is Sam busy?"

Abby looked up from her computer and wrinkled her nose. "Nah, she's clear. She's got that meeting with the network execs in a little while though, so you'll want to make it short."

"No problem," he replied and guided Rachel to a set of double doors. He knocked swiftly before pulling one open and led her inside.

Samantha Sullivan was reclining at her desk, her stilettoed feet propped up on the light wood, reading some paperwork. "Finn Hudson!" she cried when she saw him. She put her paper down and set her glasses to the side. "Just the man I was thinking of. And who is this? A lady friend?"

Finn chuckled and pushed Rachel forward. "Sam, this is my friend Rachel Kutner."

She stood and shook Rachel's hand heartily. "Nice to meet you!" She sat back down on the edge of her desk and crossed her long legs. "So, how do you and Finn know each other?" she asked, getting right to the point.

"You know that little clip you like to torture me with? The one of me in high school?" Finn clarified, to which Samantha smirked devilishly and nodded. "Well, this is the girl singing with me."

Her eyes grew big and she gave Rachel a quick once over. "You're joking!" she exclaimed.

Rachel could feel her face burning but she plastered her best smile on her face and nodded.

"Rachel, I can't tell you enough but I think you. are. amazing!"

"Thank you," she managed to choke out.

"Seriously, I'm no talent agent, but I keep tabs on what's going on in the theater circuit and you were definitely better at 18 than anybody onstage now. So tell me, what are you doing now? Do you still sing?" She looked over at Finn and clapped her hands eagerly. "This is so exciting!"

"Well, I'm a mom now, so –"

"Oh, I see!" Samantha leaned over, her chin in her hands. "Family over a career, I get it. I doubt I'll ever give it a try, but they do say parenthood is a reward in itself."

"Yes, it is."

"Now, there's something I need to know. Finn won't answer me when I ask but," she motioned between the two of them with her finger, "you two had a little thing going on, didn't you?"

Rachel cast Finn a quick glance, but he didn't meet her eye. "Well, um, I suppose so. You know, high school sweethearts and all that jazz."

"That's what I thought! See, Finn, there's no use in denying it. I'm very good at reading between the lines and you two definitely had chemistry." She stopped and squinted her eyes at them before adding, "In fact, you two definitely still have some chemistry.

"Anyway," she continued before either Finn or Rachel could comment, "let me give you my card, Rachel. I know a few directors and producers, so if you ever decide you want to try your hand at Broadway, I can put in a good word for you."

"Thank you," Rachel said meekly, taking the card from her outstretched hand. For some reason, meeting with Samantha was making her feel a little dizzy, not unlike the way David often made her feel.

"There are plenty of moms out there and it'd be a shame if you let that voice go to waste."

Finn stood and motioned to the door. "We'd better get out of your way," he said. "I know you've got that meeting with the execs in a little while."

"Oh! About that," Samantha said, "Brent can't make it to the meeting with me, so I would really like you to sit on it instead. If you didn't have any plans, of course."

Finn looked at Rachel and opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, Rachel hastily cut in, "No, we don't have any plans."

He tilted his head to the side and cocked an eyebrow before turning back to Samantha. He seemed to struggle with a reply before finally answering. "Um… yeah, I guess that's cool. What time are you heading up?"

"In about 15 minutes," she said, looking at her watch.

"Let me just walk Rachel down and I'll meet you upstairs then."

Samantha smiled widely and held her hand back out to Rachel. "It was such a pleasure to meet you, Rachel."

"You too," Rachel mumbled and hurried out of the room with Finn on her heels. She suddenly felt very unsure about coming to his office. Yes, this was Finn and she knew he would always be kind a polite to her, but this was a man she didn't know. This was Finn with a job and responsibilities and important meetings with network executives. He had an entire life she didn't know about and when she thought about it, he knew just as little about her. She had initially feared that letting someone else into her life would make it more complicated than it already was, but she hadn't stopped to think about how she could complicate his life. He didn't need a widow with two little boys hanging around.

"Are you alright?" he asked, matching his long stride with hers. "I really don't mind telling her that we have plans."

"I'm fine," she chirped shortly. "That just seemed like a good opportunity for you and I'd hate for you to miss it on my account."

"Well, yeah," he agreed. "But there will be plenty of other meetings for me to sit in on. And you came all this way."

"It's no big deal," Rachel insisted. "I'll just go to work and see if I can pick up a few extra hours."

Finn didn't look like he believed her. "How about I take you to dinner then?"

"Oh, I really don't think I'll have the time this weekend. I'm working late tonight, I've got double shifts tomorrow, and the boys come home on Sunday, so I'll be pretty busy."

"How about next week then?" he persisted. "That way the boys can come too."

They reached the elevator and she pushed the down button a few times. "Well, I don't really know what my schedule looks like for next week."

"So you'll let me know." He whipped out his cell phone and looked at her expectantly. "What's your number?"

She absently gave it to him and nearly squealed with delight when the elevator doors opened. "I can see myself down from here," she said, stepping in. "Thank you so much for everything, Finn. It was really nice meeting Samantha."

He stopped the doors from closing with his foot. "It's no problem, Rach."

She smiled sadly and stepped forward to give him a hug, taking one last sniff for posterity's sake. Yeah, this could definitely become an unhealthy habit. "I'll see you around, Finn."

"I'll send you a text so you'll have my number," he said, finally standing back so the doors could close. "Take care, Rachel."

The last thing Rachel saw as the doors closed was him shoving his hands in his pockets dejectedly, a disappointed look in his eye. This was for the best; he made her feel like she was in high school all over again, and that was something neither one of them needed. It would be acceptable for them to see each other time to time, but she couldn't allow him to become a considerable part of her life. The time for that had come and gone and now it was time for them to go back to their own separate lives.

She waved at Earl as she exited the building. When she got out to the street, she realized she was still clasping Samantha Sullivan's business card tightly in her hand. She stopped for a moment and stared down at it. Seven years ago, maybe even three or four, certainly before David died, she would have jumped at the opportunity to fulfill her lifelong dream. But now she just wasn't sure if she even fit into that world anymore.

Remembering Earl's words earlier about finding a card on the subway, Rachel made sure to rip it up into several small pieces before tossing it into the first trash receptacle she came across.

Disclaimer: Glee is the property of Ryan Murphy and FOX. I'm just manipulating it for my own nefarious (and strictly nonprofit) purposes.