Lily lay awake in the dark. She listened to James's soft snores next to her and wondered, not for the first time, why she didn't cast a silencing charm on him after he fell asleep. She watched her clock tick towards dawn. She turned over and looked at James; she kissed his cheek and watched him smile in his sleep.
"James…" she whispered unsure if she actually wanted to wake him at all. He didn't move. She traced her fingers lightly around his face, her fingertips catching on his unshaven chin. He didn't stir. Lily carefully swept his dark hair from his face and kissed the edge of his nose.
"James…?"
"You want to finish what you started?" he asked without opening his eyes.
"I think I need to talk to you."
"Lils its like three in the morning."
"Four."
He cracked open an eye to check, it was indeed nearly four in the morning. James groaned.
"We're on shift tomorrow, Lily. Moody is serious about that stuff, we need to sleep, we can talk in the morning." James rolled over punching his pillow, "And we'll need to start packing because your old Death Eater boyfriend found this place...stupid sniveling ass."
"I don't think I can tell you this in the morning, James…"
James opened both of his eyes suddenly alert. Lily was sitting up in bed now staring out their window. James sat up on his elbows a little.
"You've got my attention."
James watched as Lily's lips twitched into a smile, and then slowly pull down into a chin quiver. She sucked in a shaky breath.
"I don't want to have children."
James flopped back onto the bed and closed his eyes.
"I'm serious." She said.
"Lily, I know. We've talked about this, no kids for now, we'll wait until things are calmer, no use bringing a kid into this mess and all that."
"Yes, but I mean not even then."
James frowned.
"James I've got a terrible feeling, like we won't make it out of this…"
"What?"
"All of this." She waved her hands, "What we're doing with the Order, what good are we doing? Gideon Prewitt almost died the other night. Remus is a ghost of himself; and still more Death Eaters join him everyday. You can't spit in this place without hitting a Death Eater…"
James looked at Lily, "You know what Gideon told Moody and Dumbledore about who attacked him?"
"Snape." She said it without emotion, but James could see the lines around her mouth tighten.
"Who told you?"
"Sirius, he was the first on the scene—after."
"When did you talk to Sirius?"
"Earlier today…"
"Really? He just stopped by for a chat?"
Lily didn't look at James, "I think he came by for lunch, and when I didn't have anything on hand we just sort of talked, I guess."
"He didn't wait for me?" James sounded strangely hurt.
"He had things to do for the order, James, he'll be back any moment I'm sure."
James shook his head, "We aren't talking about Sirius, we were talking about the Order, and the good that we are doing."
"Alice and Frank are talking about going into hiding-" Lily said quickly
"That's just cause Frank's all paranoid now that Alice is pregnant." James shrugged, "Makes a fellow take stock or something."
"Makes people want to get the fuck out of dodge."
James smiled, "It's not like Longbottom has a stomach for the hard stuff Lils," James sat a little straighter rubbing his chin, "I don't know though, a baby would make a difference—is that what this is?—you don't want kids because you're afraid of being sidelined? Because Lils, the Order can't spare you, no one can touch your charms, and what with you and the potions thing, I mean—"
"No James."
"What then Lily?" James placed a gentle hand on her arm, stroking her skin softly, waiting.
"I'm pregnant James."
His hand stopped mid-motion, James stared at Lily; she looked at the floor.
"But I thought—" He took his hand away; he swung his legs to the edge of the bed and slipped out from beneath the sheets. James began to pace.
"It was an accident," Lily began, "I guess one night we weren't careful, and I know what we talked about before, but with things so difficult right now, I thought it might be best if we just you know—"
"No, I don't know." James said and continued pacing. "You weren't going to tell me." He didn't ask. He didn't need to. Lily looked down. "It was Sirius who guilted you into it right?"
"It wasn't like that James, I just thought that it would be easier if I didn't mention—"
"Didn't mention that you were expecting our baby?" James stopped pacing, and his voice grew very controlled. "You thought it best to just leave me in the dark about it…?" Lily could see James shaking with emotion.
"James…"
"What Lily, cause I'm trying here, really I am but for Merlin's sake we're talking about our baby and you—you want to—" he couldn't say the words.
Lily leapt from her side of the bed, angry now, angrier than she'd ever been.
"Don't look at me like that James Potter, because it isn't you who has to carry this baby in your body, when you go into alleys that you may never come out of." The bed began to shake between them, and the lights flickered on and off casting eerie shadows on their faces.
"Don't act as though you're responsible for another person's existence, when you are daily fighting against the odds just so some demonic out-of-control wizard meets some resistance in his quest to kill everyone."
James put his hands up to placate her, "Lily, I'm scared too."
"You know nothing of this kind of fear, James Potter," Lily spat, "And you never will."
"I know." He said.
The lights settled on, and the bed stopped shaking.
"I can't know what that kind of fear is like, but Lily, I'm responsible for others, I'm responsible for you, for Sirius and Remus and Peter, and everyone in the Order—you are too."
"It's not the same."
"It's not the same," James agreed, "But anyone of those people would lay down their lives for you Lily."
Lily covered her face and began to cry, "That just makes it all the worse." She said, "Look at Alice, she just wants to help and Frank is talking about going underground…I can't do that."
"I thought you said we weren't making a difference."
"I didn't mean it." She wailed.
"I know," James smiled and sat on the bed facing Lily.
"I just can't have a baby right now."
James pulled himself over to her side of the bed where she still stood head in her hands. "Darling…?"
"I can't…"
James pulled her hands away from her face, "When I said 'for better or worse' I meant it Lils." He dragged her gently to the bed and wrapped his arms around her "It's not you alone having this baby, it's me here too. I want this baby Lils."
"I know James." She touched his face.
"After so much death Lily, I think we could all use a little tike running around here like a loose bulger."
"It won't be here, we need to move remember?"
"Then it'll be even better we can start a new family in a new home and everything."
"James—"
"Lily, for Merlin's sake it's a baby not a death sentence!"
"Promise?" She pushed herself out of his embrace and looked into his eyes, "Promise me that a baby won't make you stupid, that we won't distract you in the field. You must promise that this baby would bring you home safe after every mission, that they wouldn't use the baby against us—"
"Lily I promise to love you and this baby, and I'll do my best about the other stuff."
"That's not what I—"
James kissed her hard; letting his lips silence her. She leaned into the kiss nibbling his lower lip, she felt him smile. "Potters don't make promises if they don't know if they can keep them." James said.
"I promise to never forgive you for making me a Potter."
James kissed her again, "I promise to never let you forget you are one."