Episode 2
SCENE 1 – INTERIOR, TV STUDIO
A TV ANNOUNCER sits at a desk on a blank set. It's the same type of desk at which the Man in the Dinner Jacket was sitting at the beginning of Episode 1.
ANNOUNCER
Good evening. The story so far, young Muscatel-to-be D'Ark-Onion arrived in Paris and found himself fenced into fighting duels with the Three Muscatels. Meanwhile, Cardinal Michelin plans to tread all over King Wouie XIV and drive off with the throne of France. And now Captain Roquefort and his cheesy Anti-Dueling Squad want to stick it to D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels. Will they get the point? Will Michelin get wheel? And will I become violently ill if I say one more bad pun? We're about to find out in Episode 2 of –
Scene suddenly CUTS to an animated globe rotating with the caption "BBC" just underneath it.
VOICEOVER (V.O.)
We interrupt this program to annoy you, and generally make the opening of it even sillier.
Scene suddenly CUTS back to the TV Announcer, who is now angry.
ANNOUNCER
(to no one in particular)
And I told Lord Hill if they ever interrupted my announcements again, I'm leaving television and going into movies! I don't have to put up with this –
Scene suddenly CUTS to the animated BBC globe again.
VOICEOVER (V.O.)
We interrupt this tirade to bring you the following special news bulletin: Previous reports claiming that The Three Muscatels is a special tribute to Monty Python have turned out to be false. It isn't really a tribute, it's just a cheap fanfic written by some geek who has nothing better to do with his life than rip off classic novels and television programs and try to convince himself he's being clever, in-between surfing the internet from his parents' basement, blogging about the latest YouTube videos, and watching old Monty Python DVD's over and over again looking for pointless extra tidbits to shoehorn into this piece of -
VOICEOVER #2 (V.O.)
We interrupt this interruption to apologize for the previous voiceover announcer. Between you and me, he's just jealous because the admins rejected his own fanfic combining The Scarlet Pimpernel with old "I Love Lucy" routines. Also, his pet ant just died in a tragic accident.
VOICEOVER #1 (V.O.)
That was no accident, it was deliberate insecticide! That insane hunter shot him in cold blood just so he could mount his head on a wall! The same hunter who last week sliced my pet bee in half!
VOICEOVER #2 (V.O.)
Well there's no need to take it out on the program!
VOICEOVER #1 (V.O.)
Don't you repress me! I'll take it out on whoever I bloody well want to!
The argument between voiceover announcers becomes too incoherent to make out anything specific, and then it drops in volume until it can no longer be heard. Then a giant animated foot suddenly kicks the spinning BBC globe off-screen. Animation shows the globe has now become a ball in a soccer game being played by animated historical figures taken from paintings or photographs, figures such as René Descartes, Queen Victoria, Venus de Milo, and Winston Churchill. The ball is finally head-butted off-screen by the animated head of Reginald Maudling.
SCENE 2 – EXTERIOR, GOAL, REAL SOCCER FIELD
The ball rolls on-screen at a real soccer field, toward one of the goals. Just before it rolls into the goal, it's stopped by someone's foot. Pan upwards and outwards to show the foot belongs to the MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET, sticking his foot out from behind his usual desk. He retracts his foot, picks up the ball, and places it on the side of his desk. He then turns toward the camera:
MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET
And now for something completely different.
SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, OPPOSITE GOAL, SAME SOCCER FIELD
The IT'S MAN, wearing a tattered soccer uniform, is guarding the other team's goal.
IT'S MAN
It's –
A fast-moving soccer ball suddenly hits him in the gut, bowling him over.
TITLE SEQUENCE
VOICEOVER
RC Gumby Productions presents:
"The Three Muscatels."
Based upon the comedy of Monty Python.
And upon the novel The Three Musketeers, by Alexander Dumas.
Yeah, right!
Title sequence ends.
TITLE CARDS, in sequence:
"EPISODE 2"
"HOW TO RECOGNIZE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE STORY"
Title cards end.
SCENE 4 – EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE MINISTRY OF SILLY WALKS, UXBRIDGE ROAD, PARIS
The standoff between Roquefort's forces and D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels is exactly as we saw it at the end of Episode 1.
VOICEOVER #3
When we last left our heroes, D'Ark-Onion and the Three Muscatels, they were being threatened by Captain Roquefort of the Cardinal's Elite Guards, barely a swallow's flight away from the royal palace itself.
(pregnant pause)
Again, that's an African swallow's flight away, or two European swallow's flights –
ROQUEFORT
(into camera)
Shut up!
D'ARK-ONION
I'm not giving up my sword! I haven't even broken it in yet!
ROQUEFORT
I'll be more than happy to break it for you! You filthy, uncouth Muscatels are the sorriest excuse for royal protectors this country ever knew! Prison is too good for you! You ought to be tarred, feathered, ground up into compost, and *then* thrown into prison! As cesspool filler!
PORTHOLE
Now wait a minute, that's going too far! I thought dueling in a No Dueling Zone just meant a fifty franc fine, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!
A sudden, intense dramatic chord is heard as three men in red cardinals' robes suddenly leap out from behind the double-gate of the ministry entrance. These men are CARDINALS XIMINEZ, BIGGLES, and FANG, all of whom glare fiercely at the men already on the scene. Ximinez takes the lead.
XIMINEZ
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
(folds his arms for dramatic effect, continues in a rapid voice)
Our chief weapon is surprise! Surprise and fear! Fear and surprise – our *two* weapons are fear and surprise! And ruthless efficiency – our *three* weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency! And an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope – ah, *four* weapons!
(gets frustrated)
Amongst our weapons are fear, surprise, ru- amongst our *weaponry* are such elements as fear -
(unfolds his arms in frustration)
I'll come in again.
The three Cardinals rush back into the gate. D'Ark-Onion, the Muscatels, Roquefort, and the elite guard look at each other in confusion, and then Porthole sighs and repeats his previous line:
PORTHOLE
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
With the same intense musical chord, the Cardinals leap back out from the gate.
XIMINEZ
Nooo-body expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and a night out with a naval – Oh! . . . .
(frustrated again)
It's no good, I'm sorry.
(to Cardinal Biggles)
You'll have to say it.
BIGGLES
(surprised)
What?
XIMINEZ
You'll have to say, "Our chief weapons are."
BIGGLES
Oh, I couldn't say that, I -
Ximinez pushes Biggles and Fang back behind the gate. The rest of the men present sigh or shake their heads in frustration, and finally Porthole says:
PORTHOLE
(bored)
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
The intense musical chord sounds again as the three Cardinals once again leap out from the gate, but this time Biggles takes the lead, reluctantly, unsure of himself.
BIGGLES
Uh . . *Nobody* . . . uh . .
XIMINEZ
(to Biggles, low voice)
Expects.
BIGGLES
Expects. Nobody expects the . . . uh, Spanish . . uh . .
XIMINEZ
(to Biggles, low voice but impatient)
Inquisition.
Biggles clears his throat, thinking he's got it now.
BIGGLES
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect it –
XIMINEZ
(interrupts him)
Our chief weapon.
BIGGLES
Our chief weapon is . . . surprise, uh . .
Ximinez throws up his hands and pushes his way past Biggles.
XIMINEZ
Stop, stop! Never mind! Our chief weapon is surprise, blah blah blah. Now, Cardinal Fang, read the charges!
With an evil grin, Fang pulls out a long list and unfurls it to read.
FANG
Two francs for a bottle of wine, four francs for champagne.
Ximinez pulls a notepad and pencil out of his robe sleeves, and turns to the swordsmen.
XIMINEZ
What'll you have?
ASSHOLE
Wine, please!
Ximinez begins writing down the order.
XIMINEZ
If I may recommend, we have some lovely Australian table wines in our cellar, although the Melbourne Yellow is rather heavy, and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat...
While Ximinez continues saying recommendations, FADE to the next scene:
SCENE 5 – INTERIOR, INN, PARIS
D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Airhole sit together at a long table, sipping tall glasses of wine provided by a large, shared decanter on the table. Judging by their reactions, the wine is very good.
ASSHOLE
(sighs loudly in delight)
Nothing like a good glass of Chateau du Chassolier, eh Airhole?
AIRHOLE
Quite right, Asshole!
PORTHOLE
Who'd of thought, twenty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau du Chassolier, eh?
D'ARK-ONION
Yes. In those days, we were lucky to have the price of a cup of tea.
PORTHOLE
A cup of cold tea.
AIRHOLE
Without milk or sugar.
PORTHOLE
Or tea. In a cracked cup and all.
ASSHOLE
Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper.
PORTHOLE
The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.
D'ARK-ONION
But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
AIRHOLE
*Because* we were poor. My father used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness."
ASSHOLE
He was right. I was happier then, and I had nothing. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.
PORTHOLE
House? You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all 26 of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, and we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.
AIRHOLE
You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in a corridor!
D'ARK-ONION
Oh, we used to *dream* of living in a corridor! Would've been a palace to us! We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us. House? Fah!
ASSHOLE
Well, when I say house, it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us.
AIRHOLE
We were evicted from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake.
D'ARK-ONION
You were lucky to have a lake! There were 150 of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road!
PORTHOLE
Cardboard box?
D'ARK-ONION
Yes.
PORTHOLE
You were lucky! We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank! We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down at the mill fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for six centimes a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
AIRHOLE
Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at the mill for two centimes a month, come home, and dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle if we were lucky!
D'ARK-ONION
But of course, we had it tough! We used to have get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick the road clean with our tongues, grab two bits of cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at the mill for one centime every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a bread knife!
ASSHOLE
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulfuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day at the mill, and pay the mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah!
AIRHOLE
And you try and tell the young people of today that – they won't believe you!
They all agree with the sentiment and pour themselves another round.
SCENE 6 – INTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE QUEEN'S CHAMBERS, ROYAL PALACE
CARDINAL MICHELIN approaches the closed doors of the chambers of QUEEN MARIE THERESE. With Michelin are two of his henchmen, each of whom is a GUMBY, a classic Monty Python character who wears a cardigan sweater vest, loose-fitting pants with suspenders, a white handkerchief on his head, round metal-rimmed eyeglasses, and a Charlie Chaplin moustache. Befitting the character, both of them, L. N. GUMBY and P. Q. GUMBY, stand next to Michelin with their jaws hanging slack and knuckles dragging, exposing that they have the collective I.Q. of either a tub of margarine or a dead crab.
Michelin turns to his Gumbys.
MICHELIN
(quietly)
And now men, we begin my master plan for destroying the Muscatels and taking the throne of France for my own.
A caption overlay begins flashing "OBVIOUS EXPOSITION" as Michelin continues:
MICHELIN
(quietly)
As you know, for Part One of my plan, you go into the Queen's chambers, knock her out, and take her to the secret hiding place I have arranged for.
P. Q. GUMBY
(too loudly)
We're going to kidnap the Queen!
L. N. GUMBY
(also too loudly)
Kidnap the Queen!
P. Q. GUMBY
Kidnap the Queen!
Michelin loudly and frantically shushes both of them.
MICHELIN
(harsh, hissing whisper)
Kidnap the Queen *quietly*!
L. N. GUMBY
(still too loudly)
Sorry!
(even louder)
IS THIS BETTER?
Michelin suddenly has an awful headache.
MICHELIN
(pained)
Just go in and get her!
BOTH GUMBYS
Okay!
The Gumbys open the door, enter the chambers, and close the doors behind them, although the P.O.V. remains with Michelin waiting outside the chambers.
P. Q. GUMBY (O.S.)
Are you Queen Marie Therese?
MARIE (O.S.)
Yes.
From inside the chambers, we start hearing the numerous sounds of struggle from inside, including slaps, kicks, hits, clobbers, and screams. These sounds continue uninterrupted for quite a long time, then for even longer. After about half a minute, Michelin begins to think this is going on too long.
Nearly a full minute later, the sounds come to a stop. Michelin, wondering if his henchmen have finally subdued the Queen, creeps toward the doors to see, but stops when fresh sounds of struggle start up from inside. For some reason, this time the sounds include hammering and sawing along with the previous slaps, kicks, screams, etc. And at one point Michelin swears he hears the sound of an electric drill. The sounds of struggle by now have gone on so long that it's getting ridiculous. Michelin glances at his pocket watch, wondering how much longer he'll have to stand out here, when suddenly the struggle sounds stop from within, so suddenly that Michelin does a double-take when he realizes. He approaches the doors and listens closely to see if it's finally over.
L. N. GUMBY (O.S.)
I think she's unconscious!
QUEEN (O.S.)
No I'm not!
The sudden crack of a gunshot and a fresh scream start up yet another round of struggling sounds – slaps, kicks, screams, smacks, drills, elephant trumpets [Elephant!], you name it. Michelin steps back in disgust, fearing this could go on forever.
FADE briefly to a clock with its hands spinning round and round much faster than normal.
FADE back to SCENE 4: Michelin is leaning against the far wall opposite the Queen's chambers, dozing off, with a few cobwebs stretching between him and the wall, while the sounds of struggle are *still* going on. He's startled awake when the sounds suddenly end, and this time – at last – the Gumbys exit the chambers. P. Q. GUMBY has the unconscious Queen over his shoulder.
P. Q. GUMBY
Mission accomplish...shed!
MICHELIN
(sarcastic)
Congratulations. And to think you two have managed to overpower the Queen so quickly, in the world-record time of two hours and forty-three minutes.
SCENE 7 – LETTER
A handwritten letter appears onscreen, with VOICEOVER #4 (yes, yet another one) reading its contents:
VOICEOVER #4
Dear Sir:
As a loyal viewer, I must object to the excessive violence in the audio of that last scene! The very idea of hearing such vicious and horrifying treatment of a woman from behind a closed door fills me with dread about how today's TV programming is affecting the youth of our country! Why can't TV actually show us the violence that it's saturated with? Why should we be restricted to merely hearing the woman being attacked and beat up behind a closed door when a responsible television program would complement the sound effects with graphic visuals? That, to me, would be wholesome family entertainment!
Yours truly:
Gen. Kevin Phillips Bong (Mrs.)
P.S.
The sudden sound of a loud blow on the head interrupts the voiceover, however the letter continues with the word, read afterward by the voiceover:
Ooooh!
SCENE 8 – INTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE QUEEN'S CHAMBERS, ROYAL PALACE
Michelin now wields a large mallet.
MICHELIN
Love that prop department.
Notices the Gumbys are still standing next to him, watching him with slack-jawed mindlessness.
MICHELIN
Well, don't just stand there! Take her to the hideout!
BOTH GUMBYS
Okay!
They turn to leave. The Queen suddenly wakes up.
MARIE
I want more lines in the next episode!
MICHELIN
Shut up!
SCENE 9 – ANIMATION
A cutout of the royal palace appears on screen in front of a simple, stylized background. Cutouts of the two Gumbys walk out of the palace, with their queenly cargo, to a nearby crossroads with a bus stop sign. An animated bus approaches the stop. L. N. Gumby holds up his hand, but the bus goes on by without stopping. L. N. Gumby hmm's in frustration. Another bus approaches. L. N. Gumby holds out his hand again, but as before the bus goes on by without stopping. L. N. Gumby hmm's in more frustration. A third bus approaches. This time, as the bus reaches the stop, L. N. Gumby telescopes his leg out across the road, and the bus trips over it, flipping over upside-down and grinding to a stop in the process. Both Gumbys carry the Queen into the bus, but unfortunately low voices from inside indicate that it's no longer able to move by conventional means. The voices in the bus discuss the matter and come to some agreement. And with:
VOICES IN BUS
One... two... three!
About two dozen legs suddenly break through the roof of the bus, lifting it up from the road, and they walk the bus off-screen to its next destination.
Now appearing on screen is a cutout of a Viking longboat, rowing itself along the crossroads in the opposite direction. The sounds of Viking song are heard in time to the rowing. The animation scene follows the longboat until it stops in front of a cutout of an inn, the same inn the Muscatels have been staying in since Scene 3. The singing stops, and several cutout Vikings step out of the longboat and enter the inn.
SCENE 10 – INNTERIOR, IN, NEXT MORNING
The VIKINGS, now live characters, come in through the front door and sit down at various tables scattered around the main dining room. At one table, D'Ark-Onion and the Three Muscatels have already sat down and are waiting for the innkeeper to come so they can order breakfast.
Before long, the INNKEEPER appears behind a large counter at the far end of the dining room. She is a middle-aged woman with graying hair wearing a large apron, a Monty Python character known as a "Pepperpot" woman. D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels notice her arrival.
ASSHOLE
Morning!
INNKEEPER
(in a man's imitation of a gravelly, high-pitched old woman's voice)
Morning!
ASSHOLE
What've you got for breakfast?
INNKEEPER
Well, there's egg and bacon. Egg, sausage, and bacon. Egg and spam. Egg, bacon, and spam. Egg, bacon, sausage, and spam. Spam, bacon, sausage, and spam. Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon, and spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, egg, and spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, and spam. Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy, and a fried egg on top, and spam.
D'ARK-ONION
Have you got anything without spam?
INNKEEPER
Well, there's spam, egg, sausage, and spam. That's not got much spam in it.
D'ARK-ONION
I don't want *any* spam.
AIRHOLE
Why can't he have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage?
D'ARK-ONION
That's got spam in it!
AIRHOLE
Not as much as spam, egg, sausage, and spam.
D'ARK-ONION
Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam?
INNKEEPER
Eww!
D'ARK-ONION
Whattaya mean, "Eww"? I don't like spam!
All the Vikings in the dining room start chanting in a kind of sing-song:
VIKINGS
Spam, spam, spam, spam!
Spam, spam, spam, spam!
Lovely spaaaaaam!
Wonderful spaaaaaam!
Lovely spaaaaaam!
Wonderful spaaaaaam!
INNKEEPER
Shut up!
(starts banging a ladle violently on the table)
Shut up! Shut up!
The Vikings reluctantly stop their song. The Innkeeper returns to the attention of the Muscatels.
INNKEEPER
You can't have egg, bacon, spam, and sausage without the spam!
D'ARK-ONION
Why not?
INNKEEPER
Welllll, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam, and sausage then!
D'ARK-ONION
I don't like spam!
AIRHOLE
Now, don't make a fuss, I'll have your spam. I love it! I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, and spam!
While Airhole is saying "spam" multiple times, the Vikings start singing their "Spam" song again. The Innkeeper starts banging her ladle again and yelling at them to shut up until they do.
INNKEEPER
(to Porthole)
Baked beans are off!
AIRHOLE
Well, can I have spam instead?
INNKEEPER
You mean, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, and spam?
The Vikings start singing "Spam" again.
AIRHOLE
Yes.
INNKEEPER
Eww!
(to the Vikings, while banging her ladle again)
Shut up! Shut up!
Another Viking bursts into the dining room.
VIKING
The Queen has been kidnapped!
AIRHOLE
What!
PORTHOLE
(to the others)
Quickly, the Queen needs us!
D'ARK-ONION
But I can't ride! My cocoanuts got chipped last night!
ASSHOLE
Don't worry, I know where we can get you a real horse. I have to stop there on the way to the palace anyway.
AIRHOLE
Just as well breakfast is canceled. My fork was dirty...
SCENE 11 – EXTERIOR, OUTSIDE A HORSE STABLE
A large sign on the stable reads "National Horse Emporium". CUT to the stable's INTERIOR, where the HORSE TRADER is being held up by an armed ROBBER with a mask over his eyes.
HORSE TRADER
For the last time, this is not a bank, it's a horse stable! We sell horses here!
ROBBER
. . . I see.
The robber ponders the mix-up for a few moments, then:
ROBBER
Do you have any lupines, perhaps?
HORSE TRADER
OUT!
The robber grudgingly leaves. Moments later, D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels enter the stable. Asshole pulls a horse in behind him on a lead. The horse's movements are unusually smooth, as if it's rolling on wheels instead of walking, and the horse as a whole is strangely stiff. The others stand back and watch as Asshole addresses the Trader.
ASSHOLE
I wish to register a complaint! Hello, Miss!
TRADER
Whattaya mean, Miss?
Pregnant pause.
ASSHOLE
I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to complain about this horse.
TRADER
I'm sorry, it's closing tim-
ASSHOLE
Never mind that! I wish to complain about this horse, which I bought not half an hour ago from this very stable!
TRADER
Oh yeah, the Norwegian Stallion! What's wrong with it?
ASSHOLE
I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
TRADER
No, no, he's resting!
ASSHOLE
Look, I know a dead horse when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
TRADER
No, no, he's not dead, he's resting. Remarkable horse, the Norwegian Stallion, eh? Beautiful tail!
ASSHOLE
The tail don't enter into it! He's stone dead!
TRADER
No, no, he's resting.
ASSHOLE
Alright then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up.
Asshole leans in close to one of the horse's ears.
ASSHOLE
Hello, Mr. Horsey! I've got a nice fresh carrot for you –
The Trader suddenly smacks the horse's muzzle. The horse shifts slightly.
TRADER
There, he moved!
ASSHOLE
No he didn't, you shoved him!
TRADER
I never!
The Trader shoves the horse again.
ASSHOLE
Yes you did!
The Trader backs off, and Asshole leans right into the horse's ear.
ASSHOLE
Hellooo, Horsey!
(slaps horse's face)
Wakey, wakey! This is your 9:00 alarm call!
Asshole repeatedly slaps the horse's face, and although it jerks backwards with each slap, it otherwise shows no reaction whatsoever.
ASSHOLE
(to the Trader)
Now that's what I call beating a dead horse.
TRADER
He's stunned.
ASSHOLE
"Stunned?"
TRADER
Yeah, you stunned him just as he was waking up! Norwegian Stallions stun easily.
ASSHOLE
Now look, don't play the slippery eel with me, this horse is definitely deceased! And when I bought it not half an hour ago you assured me its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long trot!
TRADER
Well, he's probably pining for the fjords.
ASSHOLE
"Pining for the fjords?" What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his side the moment I got him home?
TRADER
The Norwegian Stallion prefers kicking on his side! Remarkable horse, isn't it, Squire? Beautiful tail!
ASSHOLE
Look, I took the liberty of examining this horse when I got it home, and I discovered that the only reason it had been standing up and moving in the first place was that it had iron bars with tiny wheels nailed to its legs.
TRADER
Well of course it had iron bars! Listen, if I hadn't run the bars up its legs to stop its knees bending, it would've galloped up to the fence of my holding pen, kicked down the gate, and voom!
ASSHOLE
"Voom?" This horse wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleeding demised!
TRADER
No, no, he's pining!
ASSHOLE
He's not pining, he's passed on! This horse is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't stood him up on iron bars, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! He's curled up his tootsies! He's shuffled off this mortal coil! He's run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible!
(beat)
He fucking snuffed it!
(beat)
Vis-a-vis, the metabolic processes are at a loss! Any statements to the effect that this horse is still a going concern are from now on inoperative! This is an ex-horse!
TRADER
Well, I'd better replace it then.
The Trader retreats to a back room.
ASSHOLE
(mutters to the other Muscatels)
You want to get anything done in this country, you have to complain 'til you're blue in the face!
The Trader returns to the counter.
ASSHOLE
What's the news?
TRADER
Well, I've had a look 'round back, and we're all out of Norwegian Stallions.
ASSHOLE
I see! I see! I get the picture!
Pregnant pause.
TRADER
I've got a penguin.
Asshole looks at him disbelievingly for a few seconds, but then:
ASSHOLE
Can it carry me?
TRADER
Yeah.
After a few more seconds:
ASSHOLE
Right, I'll have that one then.
TO BE CONTINUED
This episode performed by:
D'ARK-ONION
ASSHOLE
PORTHOLE
AIRHOLE
CARDINAL MICHELIN
CAPTAIN ROQUEFORT
THE SPANISH INQUISITION -
XIMINEZ (V.O.)
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition-!
SHUT UP! QUEEN MARIE THERESE
P. Q. GUMBY
L. N. GUMBY
A HORSE TRADER
AN INNKEEPER
A CONFUSED ROBBER
SEVERAL VIKINGS
Also appearing:
A DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING
The preceding program has been paid for by the following:
SCENE 12 – INTERIOR, INN
The Vikings are all singing again:
VIKINGS
Spam, spam, spam, spam!
Lovely spaaaaaam!
Wonderful spaaaaaam!
The Innkeeper bangs her ladle.
INNKEEPER
Shut up! Shut up!
The Vikings reluctantly stop singing.
INNKEEPER
(mutters to self)
Bloody Vikings.
This has been a presentation of RC Gumby Productions, Python Pictures Limited, and the Finland Tourism Board.
INNKEEPER (V.O.)
Burma!
. . . . . . Why'd you say Burma?
INNKEEPER (V.O.)
I panicked.