Episode 4
SCENE 1 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO
The COLONEL from the beginning of Episode 3 stands at attention before the camera again.
COLONEL
Good evening. In the last episode, I gave explicit instructions that this production must show a significant increase in quality of storytelling, and yet it has continued to be nothing more than a silly exercise in stringing otherwise totally unrelated comedy sketches together! I must warn you now that continued failure to present an intelligent narrative will not be tolerated! Right, now for the benefit of those who for whatever reason might have missed the last episode, here are a few brief scenes from that episode to bring you up to speed.
SCENE 2 - EXTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE ENTRANCE to CAMELOT CASTLE
AIRHOLE
And sending tinted postcards of places they don't realize they haven't visited to all at number 22: "Weather wonderful, our room marked with an X. Food very greasy, but we found a charming place hidden away in the back streets where they serve fish and chips and Whatney's Red Barrel and cheese and onion crisps and the accordionist plays "Maybe its because I'm a Londoner", and-
GUARD
Shut up!
AIRHOLE
-spending four days on the tarmac at Luton airport on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat but dried Whatney's sandwiches, and there's nowhere to sleep-
GUARD
PLEASE!
AIRHOLE
-and the kids are vomiting and throwing up on the plastic flowers and they keep telling you it'll only be another hour although your-
GUARD
SHUT UP!
AIRHOLE
-plane is still in Iceland waiting to take some Swedes to Yugoslavia before it can pick you up on the tarmac at 3 AM in the bloody morning and you sit on the tarmac until six because of "unforeseen difficulties", i.e.-
GUARD
I CAN'T BEAR IT!
AIRHOLE
-the permanent strike of the Air Traffic Control in Paris, and nobody can go to the lavatory until you take off at eight...
GUARD
AAAAHH!
SCENE 3 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO
COLONEL
Right! That is not at all what I meant! Now I am ordering this story to stop all this silliness and get on with the plot! On my mark, cut to the Man in the Dinner Jacket scene to open this episode! Mark!
SCENE 4 - EXTERIOR, TROPICAL BEACH
For the background music, a slow, soft instrumental of "A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody" begins playing in the background. The first shot is of a beautiful young lady posing seductively in a bikini. The camera holds on her for several seconds, then slowly pans left to another beautiful young bikini model. After another several seconds, the camera resumes panning slowly left, until stopping on a third bikini model for several seconds. After this, slowly pan left again to a fourth bikini model. After several seconds on her, the camera again resumes a slow pan left.
This time, the camera stops on the MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET, who reclines on the top of his desk, posing seductively toward the camera and wearing only a bikini. The background music abruptly stops.
MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET
And now for something completely different.
SCENE 5 - EXTERIOR, another section of TROPICAL BEACH
The IT'S MAN stands on the beach, wearing only a bikini.
IT'S MAN
It's –
TITLE SEQUENCE
VOICEOVER
RC Gumby Productions presents:
"The Three Muscatels."
Based upon the comedy of Monty Python.
And upon the novel The Three Musketeers, by Alexander Dumas.
Voiceover starts choking on his last line.
Title sequence ends.
TITLE CARDS, in sequence:
"EPISODE 4"
"DUEL PERSONALITIES"
Title cards end.
SCENE 6
The "INTERMISSION" card appears.
VOICEOVER
There will now be a medium-sized intermission.
After a somewhat longer time than the previous intermission took, the intermission is interrupted when an animated hand plucks the "MISS" from the word "INTERMISSION". Immediately cut to a reproduction of the famous "Mona Lisa" painting, in which the hand positions the "MISS" at the upper left corner of the painting and then disappears. Another hand appears and positions the word "RENAISSANCE" at the painting's upper right corner so as to make the caption "MISS RENAISSANCE." Mona Lisa then pulls her cloak open to reveal a bikini underneath and her mouth moves in time to a female voiceover:
MONA LISA
My hobbies include hiking and swimming, and working with underprivileged children.
VOICEOVER #2
Get off!
An animated tomato splatters all over the painting.
SCENE 7 – INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE
MR. CREOSOTE and QUEEN MARIE are still shackled to the dungeon wall.
CREOSOTE
God, animated intermissions make me vomit.
Creosote bends over the nearby bucket, and imitates Mt. Kilauea again. Roquefort can barely stand to look at him without becoming ill himself.
ROQUEFORT
*Air* makes you vomit! I'd impale you first only I'm afraid of what might squirt out at me!
D'ARK-ONION and two of the MUSCATELS, ASSHOLE and PORTHOLE, are still being threatened by Roquefort and the Cardinal's guardsmen.
D'ARK-ONION
Alright, I want to know one thing. Is this where we finally have the big swordfight scene everyone's been waiting for?
ASSHOLE and PORTHOLE
(in unison)
Yes.
D'ARK-ONION
Good!
He and the Musketelles raise their swords and cross them.
ALL THREE
(in unison)
All for us, and nothing for you! BANZAI!
The big swordfight scene begins!
SCENE 8 - EXTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE ENTRANCE to CAMELOT CASTLE
AIRHOLE
And when you get to Malaga airport everybody's swallowing Enterovioform tablets and queuing for the toilets and when you finally get to the hotel there's-
GUARD
I'll ring the police...
AIRHOLE
-no water in the taps, there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the bog and there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet, and half the rooms are double-
GUARD
I'll ring the police!
AIRHOLE
-booked and you can't sleep anyway because of the permanent twenty-four-hour drilling of the foundations of the hotel next door – and you're plagued by appalling apprentice chemists from Ealing pretending to be-
GUARD
Shut up!
AIRHOLE
-hippies, and middle-class stockbrokers' wives busily buying identical holiday villas in suburban development plots just like Esher, in case the Labour government gets in again...
GUARD
SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB!
SCENE 9 – INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE
The big swordfight scene continues!
MARIE
Watch where you're slashing, you prats! This costume's rented!
CREOSOTE
This fight makes me sick!
MARIE
(to Creosote)
Oh, go take some Pepto Bismol!
One of the Cardinal's guard rushes Porthole. Porthole ducks, grabs the guard, and flips him over his body and out the open window just behind him.
SCENE 10 – INTERIOR, OFFICE, CAMELOT CASTLE
Two CLERKS are sitting at a table across from each other, busy doing paperwork. A large picture window is in the immediate background. The guardsman that Porthole flipped out the dungeon window falls past the picture window. CLERK #1 looks up.
CLERK #1
(to Clerk #2)
Hey! Did you see that?
Clerk #2 looks up, distracted.
CLERK #2
Hmm?
CLERK #1
Someone just fell past that window.
Clerk #2 wasn't paying attention.
CLERK #2
Sorry?
CLERK #1
Someone just flew past the window.
(points downward)
That way.
Clerk #2 gives a slight "Hmm" and resumes his paperwork. Clerk #1 decides Clerk #2's reaction has a point, there's nothing to be done about it, shrugs and resumes his own work.
SCENE 11 – INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE
The massive swordfight continues. Another of the Cardinal's guard attacks Asshole, who copies Porthole's earlier maneuver and flips his attacker out an open window.
SCENE 12 – INTERIOR, OFFICE, CAMELOT CASTLE
The guardsman Asshole flipped falls past the picture window. Clerk #1 looks up again.
CLERK #1
Another one!
Clerk #2 looks up, distracted again.
CLERK #2
What?
CLERK #1
Another man just flew past, downwards!
Clerk #2 resumes his paperwork, unconcerned, but this time Clerk #1 doesn't think they should just brush it off.
CLERK #1
Look, two people have just fallen past that window to their almost certain death!
CLERK #2
(still unconcerned)
Fine, fine.
CLERK #1
(presses on)
Look! Two people –
Another guardsman suddenly falls past the window.
CLERK #1
- three people have just fallen past that window!
Clerk #2 ponders for a moment, then:
CLERK #2
Must be a swordfight.
Clerk #1 considers this and calms down.
CLERK #1
Oh yeah.
Clerk #2 resumes work. Clerk #1 is about to do the same when yet another guardsman falls past.
CLERK #1
Hey, that was Wilkins of D Squad.
CLERK #2
No, that was Robertson.
CLERK #1
Wilkins.
CLERK #2
Robertson.
CLERK #1
(insistent)
Wilkins!
CLERK #2
(insistent)
Robertson!
Another man falls past the window.
CLERK #1
*That* was Wilkins.
CLERK #2
(nods in agreement)
*That* was Wilkins. He was a good golfer, that Wilkins.
CLERK #1
Yes, very good golfer. Rotten swordfighter. It'll be Parkinson next.
CLERK #2
Betcha it won't.
Pregnant pause as Clerk #1 considers #2's prediction.
CLERK #1
How much?
Clerk #2 looks up in question. Clerk #1 clairifes:
CLERK #1
How much you bet it won't be Parkinson? Fiver?
After a moment's consideration:
CLERK #2
Alright, done.
The clerks shake hands, and begin watching the window waiting for the next man to fall.
CLERK #1
C'mon, Parky!
CLERK #2
Watch out, Parky!
CLERK #1
Be reasonable, Parky, you can't win!
CLERK #2
Don't give up, Parky, you can take them!
SCENE 13 - INTERIOR, SOMEWHERE ELSE in CAMELOT CASTLE
The flustered Guard hurries through the castle, trying to escape from Airhole, who is following him. The Guard is close to tears.
AIRHOLE
And fat American matrons with sloppy buttocks and Hawaiian-patterned ski pants looking for any male who can keep it up long enough when they finally let it all flop out. And the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging cholera-
GUARD
Shut up!
AIRHOLE
-epidemic is merely a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the previous outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which killed half of London and decimated Europe –
GUARD
PLEASE, shut up!
AIRHOLE
-and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting sixteen-year-olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under nineteen who doesn't like Franco...
SCENE 14 - INTERIOR, DUNGEON, CAMELOT CASTLE
The fight is just about over. Only D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, Marie, Roquefort, and Creosote remain.
ASSHOLE
It's just you and me, Roquefort! Lay down your arms!
ROQUEFORT
Never!
Asshole swings his sword and slices off Roquefort's left arm. Blood begins pouring out of the shoulder in disgusting quantities.
ASSHOLE
*Now* your arm is laid down!
ROQUEFORT
Hah! It's just a scratch!
ASSHOLE
A "scratch"! Your arm's off!
ROQUEFORT
No it isn't!
ASSHOLE
(points downward with his sword)
Well what's that then?
Roquefort looks down casually at his severed arm.
ROQUEFORT
I've hurt worse.
ASSHOLE
You lie!
ROQUEFORT
C'mon, ya pansy!
Asshole and Roquefort resume their duel, until finally Asshole slices Roquefort's other arm off. It and Roquefort's sword flop to the floor, and another gusher of blood begins pouring out of his other shoulder.
ASSHOLE
Victory is mine!
Asshole, Porthole, and D'Ark-Onion all draw their swords and cross them in the air.
ASSHOLE, PORTHOLE, and D'ARK-ONION
(in unison)
All for nothing! And nothing for –
Asshole interrupts the cheer with a surprised yelp as Roquefort suddenly kicks him in his asshole.
ROQUEFORT
C'mon then!
ASSHOLE
What!
ROQUEFORT
Have at you!
ASSHOLE
What are you talking about! You've already lost the duel!
ROQUEFORT
Oh, had enough, eh?
ASSHOLE
Look, you stupid bastard, you got no arms left!
ROQUEFORT
Yes I have!
ASSHOLE
Look!
Asshole points at Roquefort's severed shoulders. Roquefort shrugs unconcerned.
ROQUEFORT
Just a flesh wound!
Roquefort keeps kicking Asshole.
ASSHOLE
Stop that!
ROQUEFORT
Oh, chicken, are you!
ASSHOLE
Look, I'll have your leg!
Roquefort kicks Asshole again.
ASSHOLE
Right!
Asshole slashes his sword. Roquefort's right leg falls to the floor and blood pours out of the stump. Roquefort continues hopping on his other leg.
ROQUEFORT
Right, I'll do you for that!
ASSHOLE
You'll *what*!
Roquefort hops toward Asshole and body-butts him.
ROQUEFORT
C'mere!
Roquefort butts Asshole again. Asshole can't believe this is happening.
ASSHOLE
What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
ROQUEFORT
I'm invincible!
ASSHOLE
You're a loony!
ROQUEFORT
Captain Roquefort of the Cardinal's Elite Guards, Special Anti-Dueling Squad, Crumbled Division, always gets his man! Have at you!
Asshole has had enough of this, and slices Roquefort's other leg off with his sword. Roquefort's limbless torso drops to the floor. He looks at his total lack of arms and legs for a few seconds, and finally:
ROQUEFORT
Alright, we'll call it a draw.
Somehow, Mr. Creosote's already humungous frame starts inflating to even larger size.
CREOSOTE
God, I feel ill.
PORTHOLE
You don't think . . .
ASSHOLE
Quick, unchain the Queen!
Porthole and D'Ark-Onion quickly free Marie from her shackles.
PORTHOLE
Let's get outta here!
D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Marie flee through the door and slam it shut behind them. It locks automatically with Roquefort and Creosote still inside. Roquefort hops toward the door and starts beating his body against it.
ROQUEFORT
Oh, I see! Running away, and leaving me in here to get blown up, eh! You yellow bastards! Come back in here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
CREOSOTE
Check please! GULP!
SCENE 15 – INTERIOR, JUST OUTSIDE DUNGEON DOOR, CAMELOT CASTLE
ASSHOLE
HIT THE DECK!
Everyone drops to the floor. From inside the door, Roquefort's rants abruptly stop the instant we hear the loudest, wettest, sloppiest, grossest explosion imaginable.
Several tense seconds pass, then D'Ark-Onion cautiously rises and points toward the door.
D'ARK-ONION
. . . Don't . . . EVER . . . open that door again!
ASSHOLE
The Queen is safe. Let's go.
D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Marie race down a spiral staircase to a hallway one floor down, where they are suddenly stopped by MALADY DE WHINER, who stands in the middle of the hallway pointing a flintlock pistol at them.
MALADY
Not so fast! If you think I'm letting you take the Queen out of here, you've got another think coming!
Suddenly voices are heard coming up from a nearby staircase. Everyone turns and sees the Guard from outside hurrying up the stairs in terror, followed closely by Airhole, who is still talking. The Guard sees everyone else standing around.
AIRHOLE
And then on the last day in the airport lounge everyone's comparing sunburns, drinking Nasty Spumante, buying cartons of duty free "cigarillos" and using up their last pesetas on horrid dolls in-
GUARD
MAKE HIM STOP!
AIRHOLE
-Spanish National costume and awful straw donkeys and bullfight posters with your name on "Ordoney, El Cordobes and Brian Pules of Norwich" and 3-D pictures of the Pope and Kennedy and Franco, and everybody's talking about coming again-
GUARD
FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAKE HIM STOP! MAKE HIM STOP!
AIRHOLE
-next year and you swear you never will although there you are tumbling bleary-eyed out of a tourist-tight antique Iberian airplane...
GUARD
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
With a loud crash, the Guard jumps and smashes through the window. CUT to EXTERIOR of CASTLE to see the Guard – or rather what is obviously a dummy of the Guard – falling from the window to the ground, with the Guard's screams in voiceover all the way down.
SCENE 16 – INTERIOR, OFFICE, CAMELOT CASTLE
CLERK #1
Parkinson!
CLERK #2
(protests)
Johnson!
SCENE 17 – INTERIOR, HALLWAY, CAMELOT CASTLE
Airhole stares down through the window for a few seconds, then finally pulls his head back in and looks at everyone else.
AIRHOLE
Was it something I said?
With Malady distracted, Porthole grabs her pistol.
AIRHOLE
Malady!
MALADY
Airhole!
D'ARK-ONION
You two know each other?
AIRHOLE
She's my wife.
ASSHOLE and PORTHOLE
(in shocked unison)
Your wife!
AIRHOLE
It would be ex-wife, but I don't want to pay alimony.
(to Malady)
Alright, Disease -
MALADY
Malady!
AIRHOLE
- Malady, why did Michelin kidnap the Queen? Is this another one of his plots to steal the throne from the King?
MALADY
I'm not telling! And nothing you or your weird friends can do will make me talk!
ASSHOLE
Maybe we can't, but our other friends can.
MALADY
What other friends?
ASSHOLE
These other friends.
(clears throat)
"I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!"
A sudden, intense dramatic chord is heard as three men in red cardinals' robes suddenly leap into the hallway: the same Spanish Inquisition cardinals from Episode 2, XIMINEZ, BIGGLES, and FANG. Ximinez takes the lead again.
XIMINEZ
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise! That's all, just surprise!
BIGGLES
What about fear?
XIMINEZ
Oh, alright, surprise and fear.
BIGGLES
And ruthless efficiency -
XIMINEZ
Shut up!
Ximinez stares evilly at Malady.
XIMINEZ
Cardinal Biggles, there is only one thing to do. We must torture her and obtain a signed - *two* things to do. One, torture. Two, obtain a signed confession. Three, *nothing*! There is *no* third thing, is that clear?
(dramatic pause)
Biggles, we have to extricate the truth from this unbeliever on pain of torture!
(another dramatic pause)
Get . . .
(final dramatic pause)
THE COMFY CHAIR!
Camera pans quickly to a comfy chair illuminated in an intense spotlight, while an overly dramatic musical theme plays.
MALADY
The comfy chair! Alright, I'll talk! Cardinal Michelin kidnapped the Queen and took her from Paris to lure all the Muscatels out of the city to search, then the King would be undefended and Michelin could kidnap him!
D'ARK-ONION
What a wicked idea!
MALADY
*Course* it's a wicked idea!
PORTHOLE
. . . Uh, if Michelin could kidnap the Queen from the palace, why couldn't he just have kidnapped the King in the first place?
MALADY
. . . I don't know. . . . Say, how many more episodes are left?
ASSHOLE
Just one more. Which means whatever Michelin's going to do to the King, he'll be doing it very soon. We've got to get back to Paris fast!
(to Inquisitors)
We won't be needing you now. You can go back to practicing your folk songs.
The Cardinals exit the scene, practicing "We're All Going to the Zoo".
SCENE 18
The "Intermission" title card appears again.
VOICEOVER
There will now be a whopping great intermission, during which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold. Another way we can drive viewers away from the cinema is by - what am I saying? Don't you DARE leave the movie theater! Watch our movies every second of every hour of every day! Watch our movies until your brain liquefies and oozes out of your ears! AAAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
SCENE 19 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO
MARIE
He must be a loony.
VOICEOVER
I am not a loony!
SCENE 20 - INTERIOR, WINE CELLAR, ROYAL PALACE
KING WOUIE XIV enters through the main door to the wine cellar. Within are several large arrays of shelves and wine racks, except all of them appear to be empty. Sitting in the corner is a bouzouki player, enthusiastically strumming a Greek tune. Wouie approaches another gentleman, the SOMMELIER of the wine cellar.
WOUIE
Good afternoon.
SOMMELIER
Good afternoon, Sire! What can I do for you?
WOUIE
Well, as you may have heard, my wife has been kidnapped. And I was sitting up in my throne room all day, worrying about what's become of her, when I suddenly noticed I was becoming all dehydrated.
SOMMELIER
"Dehydrated," Sire?
WOUIE
Parched.
SOMMELIER
Beg pardon?
WOUIE
(switches to southern/western accent)
I done got a powerful thirst!
SOMMELIER
Ah, thirsty!
WOUIE
In a nutshell! So I thought to myself, a little fermented grape extract might just do the trick. So I curtailed my anxiety, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of storage to negotiate the acquisition of some liquefied fruit of the vine!
SOMMELIER
Come again?
WOUIE
I want some wine!
SOMMELIER
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!
WOUIE
Oh, heaven forbid! I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse!
SOMMELIER
Beg pardon?
WOUIE
I like a nice tune!
SOMMELIER
So he can go on playing, Sire?
WOUIE
Most certainly!
So the bouzouki player does continue playing as this scene continues, sometimes in a slow, easy beat, sometimes faster and louder.
SOMMELIER
Um, Sire, if I may ask another question...
WOUIE
Yes?
SOMMELIER
Well, Sire... I couldn't help noticing... the way you're talking just now...
WOUIE
You mean, what's happened to my speech impediment?
SOMMELIER
Well... yes Sire.
WOUIE
Well, you see I only talk like that when Cardinal Michelin is around.
(leans close to the Vender and grins conspiratorially)
Drives him up the wall!
Wouie and the Vender share a brief conspiratorial laugh.
SOMMELIER
Very droll, Sire!
WOUIE
Now then, some wine please, my good man!
SOMMELIER
Certainly, Sire! What would you like?
WOUIE
Well, how about a little Zinfandel?
SOMMELIER
I'm afraid we're fresh out of Zinfandel, Sire!
WOUIE
Oh well, never mind. How are you on Pinot Noir?
SOMMELIER
I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Sire, we get new bottles on Monday!
WOUIE
Tish-tish. Well, stout sommelier, a small glass of Beaujolais, if you please!
SOMMELIER
Ah, it's been on order for two weeks, Sire. We were expecting it this morning.
WOUIE
Not my lucky day, is it? Uh, Pinot Grigio?
SOMMELIER
Sorry, Sire.
WOUIE
Pinot Gris?
SOMMELIER
Normally Sire, yes! Today, the carriage broke down.
WOUIE
Ah. Dolcetto?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Manzanilla? Moscato d'Asti?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Any German Gewürztraminer perchance?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Sangria?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Sauvignon Blanc?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Clairet?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Cabernet Franc?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Bordeaux? Rhone Blend? Primitivo? Spumante? Pinot Meunier? Chianti? Petit Verdot? Chablis?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Sherry, perhaps?
SOMMELIER
Ah! We have Sherry, yes Sire!
WOUIE
You do? Excellent!
SOMMELIER
Yes, Sire! It's, uh... it's a bit dry.
WOUIE
Oh, I like it dry!
SOMMELIER
...Well, it's *very* dry, actually.
WOUIE
No matter! Fetch hither the spirits of jolly old England!
SOMMELIER
...I think it's a bit drier than you'd like, Sire.
WOUIE
I don't care how fucking dry it is, hand it over with all speed!
SOMMELIER
Yes Sire.
(looks quickly behind an empty wine rack)
Oh!
WOUIE
...What now?
SOMMELIER
The cat drank it!
WOUIE
...Has he?
SOMMELIER
She, Sire.
Pregnant pause as Wouie tries to muster up additional patience.
WOUIE
Garnay?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Vernaccia?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Cap Classique?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Dry Alsace?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Japanese Sake?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
... You *do* have some wine, do you?
SOMMELIER
Certainly, Sire! This is a wine cellar! We have –
WOUIE
No-no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess.
SOMMELIER
Fair enough, Sire.
WOUIE
Uh, Marsala?
SOMMELIER
Yes?
WOUIE
Oh! Well, I'll have some of that!
SOMMELIER
... Oh, I thought you were talking to me, Sire! Monsieur Marsala, that's my name.
Another pregnant pause. Wouie's patience is wearing thin.
WOUIE
... Shiraz?
SOMMELIER
Uh, not as such, Sire.
WOUIE
Uh, Merlot?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Chardonnay?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Port?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Sangiovese?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Semillon?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Tempranillo?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Beerenauslese?
SOMMELIER
Not today, Sire, no.
WOUIE
... Ah, how about Champagne?
SOMMELIER
Well, we don't have much call for it 'round 'ere, Sire.
WOUIE
"Not much call"? It's the single most popular sparkling wine in the world!
SOMMELIER
Not 'round 'ere, Sire!
WOUIE
...And what is the most popular sparkling wine "'round 'ere?"
SOMMELIER
Cava, Sire!
WOUIE
Is it?
SOMMELIER
Oh yes, it's staggeringly popular in this district, Sire!
WOUIE
Is it?
SOMMELIER
It's the number one choice, Sire!
WOUIE
I see. Umm . . . Cava, eh?
SOMMELIER
Righto, Sire!
WOUIE
Very well.
(takes a deep breath)
"Have you got any?" he asked, expecting the answer "no".
SOMMELIER
I'll have a look, Sire!
The Sommelier slowly scans the racks all around him, all the while humming the letter "N" as if it's inevitable that he's going to answer:
SOMMELIER
No.
Pregnant pause.
WOUIE
It's not much of a wine cellar, is it?
SOMMELIER
Finest in the country, Sire.
WOUIE
Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please!
SOMMELIER
Well, it's so clean, Sire!
WOUIE
(sarcastic)
It's certainly uncontaminated by wine.
SOMMELIER
You haven't asked me about the Madeira, Sire.
WOUIE
Is it worth it?
SOMMELIER
Could be.
WOUIE
Very well. Have you got WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
The bouzouki player abruptly stops playing.
SOMMELIER
(to the bouzouki player)
Told you so.
WOUIE
(to the Sommelier)
Have you got any Madeira?
SOMMELIER
No.
WOUIE
Figures.
(beat; to himself:)
Predictable really, I suppose, it was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place.
(to the Sommelier)
Tell me. Have you in fact got *any* wine here at all?
SOMMELIER
Yes, Sire!
WOUIE
(looks Sommelier straight in the eye)
Really?
SOMMELIER
No, not really, Sire.
WOUIE
You haven't.
SOMMELIER
No Sire, not a drop. I was deliberately wasting your time.
WOUIE
(sighs in resignation)
Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
SOMMELIER
Righto, Sire.
Wouie pulls a flintlock pistol out of his robe and shoots the Sommelier point-blank in his chest. The Sommelier falls over backwards behind a wine rack.
WOUIE
(to himself)
What a senseless waste of human life.
SOMMELIER
(from behind wine rack, groaning)
I got some cheese!
Wouie shoots him again, then replaces the pistol in his robe and turns to leave. However, blocking his way is L. N. GUMBY, who just stares open-mouthed at Wouie as if he can't remember what he's supposed to do.
WOUIE
Is there something you want, young man?
GUMBY
(shouts)
Are you the brain specialist?
Wouie looks pityingly at Gumby.
WOUIE
No. As much as you obviously need one, I am, in fact, the King of France.
It takes about five seconds, but what Wouie says finally sinks in.
GUMBY
Oh! I have something to give you!
And Gumby swings his arm overhand, and clobbers Wouie on the head with a rubber chicken. Wouie falls down unconscious. Gumby picks up Wouie bodily, over his shoulder, and walks out of the wine cellar with him. On his way out, he meets the KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, stops briefly, and hands him back his rubber chicken.
GUMBY
Thank you!
The Knight nods in acknowledgement and walks away in the opposite direction. Gumby continues on his own way.
TO BE CONTINUED
This episode performed by:
D'ARK-ONION
ASSHOLE
PORTHOLE
AIRHOLE
KING WOUIE XIV
CARDINAL MICHELIN
MALADY DE WHINER
CAPTAIN ROQUEFORT
QUEEN MARIE THERESE
MR. CREOSOTE
L. N. GUMBY
SOME TWIT PRETENDING TO BE ORSON WELLES
A DEAD SOMMELIER
FIVE GUARDS
FOUR BIKINI MODELS
THREE SPANISH INQUISITORS
TWO OFFICE CLERKS
AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TRE- WHO WROTE THAT?
Also appearing:
MARILYN MONROE'S ASHES
BIGGUS DICKUS (NOT NOEL COWARD)
This has been a presentation of RC Gumby Productions, with thanks to Python Pictures Limited, paid for in part by a donation from the Church of St. Loony Up the Cream Bun and Jam.