Episode 5
SCENE 1 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO
TV ANNOUNCER
Good evening. Before we begin this concluding episode of "The Three Muscatels," I wish to respond to the large number of letters we've received about the previous episodes, charging that much of their material was offensive and totally inappropriate for public consumption. And while this is absolutely true, I am here now to assure the public that the upcoming conclusion to our story will be performed in a much more wholesome and tasteful manner, suitable for all ages and viewing tastes. I also want to assure you that there will be no cannibalism at any time during this episode. And when I say none, I mean there will be a certain amount. But I promise that should any instances of cannibalism, either explicit or implied, in any way manifest themselves, the production staff and the censoring board will take immediate steps to hush the whole thing up.
As a final editorial note, I wish to comment on a frequent occurrence in entertainment. When a multi-part series of connected television programs, motion pictures, novels, or other form of entertainment succeeds in maintaining high standards of storytelling throughout the series, it all-too-often happens that the final entry in the series is a weak disappointment, unable to live up to the promise of its predecessors. This of course leaves the public feeling cheated, all the enjoyment they garnered from the series suddenly having gone to waste.
So in keeping with that tradition, we present the disappointing final chapter of our story, "The Three Muscatels." And after its conclusion, I invite you to enjoy RC Gumby's next production coming soon, in which I will personally appear in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms, and garlic.
Right!
The Announcer picks up a large open container labeled "White wine sauce," with a large basting brush in it. He takes the brush and starts basting himself with the sauce.
ANNOUNCER
Chef, get the oven on! I'll be ready in three minutes!
The camera follows the Announcer partway as he walks away to his left, leaving the set and entering a nearby section made up more like a restaurant. As he finally walks out of shot, the shot stops on the MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET. The Man is tied lengthwise to a seven-foot long roasting spit, and is being slowly rotated over a large open campfire in the middle of the studio. The fire is being fueled by the broken-up remains of the Man's desk.
MAN IN THE DINNER JACKET
And now for something completely different.
SCENE 2 – INTERIOR, DINING ROOM, RESTAURANT
The IT'S MAN is curled up on a giant serving platter placed on a long buffet table, surrounded by potatoes, carrots, turnips, and other assorted roasted vegetables. The Man's legs are trussed up, and an apple is jammed into his mouth.
IT'S MAN
(muffled through the apple)
It's –
TITLE SEQUENCE
VOICEOVER
RC Gumby Productions presents:
"The Three Muscatels."
Based upon the comedy of Monty Python.
And upon the novel The Three Musketeers, by Alexander Dumas.
And on a related subject, there's a bridge we own in New York City that we'd like to sell you.
Title sequence ends.
TITLE CARDS, in sequence:
"EPISODE 5"
"A KING, A QUEEN, A JERK, AND FOUR JOKERS"
SCENE 3 – EXTERIOR, NEW RESIDENTIAL BLOCK, PARIS
Michelin drives a horse-drawn cart toward the new residential block listed in the heading for this scene. Wouie is riding shotgun with him, but as a prisoner being closely guarded by two Gumbys riding in the cart just behind him. Wouie is furious.
WOUIE
Why have you bwought me hewe, Michewin? This is high tweason to the cwown! Heads wiww woww fow this!
MICHELIN
(gleefully)
This is where your reign will end and -
He suddenly stops gloating, puzzled, and turns to Wouie.
MICHELIN
Heads *what?*
WOUIE
I said heads wiww woww!
Michelin has to think about that for several seconds, then he experimentally says:
MICHELIN
"Heads werewolf?"
(beat)
Oh, never mind.
He pulls up the cart to stop in front of the front entrance to the main building, and all the cart's passengers disembark. There is a table in front of the entrance upon which is a scale model of the main building.
MICHELIN
Welcome to your new home, Wouie, for the rest of your life. Which won't be very long! Ha!
WOUIE
You'we going to impwison me in this pwace?
MICHELIN
"Pwison?" Now Wouie, that's such a harsh term! No-no, this is the latest in modern residential apartment blocks. And here's the man who designed them, Oliver St.-John Mollusk.
A man in a formal business suit, OLIVER ST.-JOHN MOLLUSK, steps up to stand behind the table.
MOLLUSK
Good morning, gentlemen.
MICHELIN
Mr. Mollusk, ex-King Wouie XIV would like to know what his new home's like.
MOLLUSK
Well, your ex-Highness, this is a twelve-story block combining Classical Neo-Georgian features with all the efficiencies of modern design.
Wouie examines the replica, and actually begins to soften up to being imprisoned inside as he looks over the impressively lavish features that Mollusk is pointing out.
MOLLUSK (cont.)
Once you step through the door, you'll arrive in the entrance hall and be carried along the corridor by a conveyor belt in extreme comfort, past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives.
Wouie suddenly looks up in shock.
MOLLUSK (cont.)
The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes, and the mangled flesh slurps into several large -
WOUIE
Wait a minute, did you say knives?
MOLLUSK
Rotating knives, yes.
WOUIE
Are you pwoposing to swaughtew me?
MOLLUSK
. . . Does that not fit in with your plans?
MICHELIN
Oh, it fits in with *my* plans perfectly!
WOUIE
Whoevew heawd of a wesidentiaw apawtment bwock whewe the wesidents awe swiced to wibbons
MOLLUSK
Ah yes, I imagine it does sound a bit unusual. You see, I mainly design slaughterhouses. Mind you, this is a real beaut. None of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out the windows inconveniencing the passers-by with this one. My whole life has been leading up to this! Shall we go in?
WOUIE
No!
MICHELIN
Yes!
(to one of the two Gumbys behind him)
L. N., lead the way!
L. N. GUMBY walks up to the building's front door and knocks on it. Then again with more force. Then again with even more force and more rapidly.
CUT to SCENE 4 - INTERIOR, NEW RESIDENTIAL BLOCK
D. P. GUMBY walks up to the door in response to the harsh knocking.
D. P. GUMBY
Come in!
L. N. Gumby smashes his way through the door, forgetting once again to open it first.
D. P. GUMBY
Augh! Open the *door* and come in!
L. N. GUMBY
Sorry!
L. N. Gumby ambles inside, followed closely by another Gumby. Several more Gumbys from inside join D. P. at the entranceway, all of them talking at once, or stumbling into each other, or crashing into and breaking every piece of bric-a-brac around the room, or bumping blindly into walls because they have various objects jammed over their heads, etc.
GUMBYS
(all at once with no vocal coordination)
Hello! Sorry! Shut up! I got my head stuck in the cupboard! Sorry! Shut up! I can't see anything! Hello! I can't see anything! I can't see anything! Shut up, Mr. Gumby! My brain hurts! Sorry! Shut up! Hello! I've broken it! I've broken it! Get off my foot! Shut up! Sorry! My brain hurts! My brain hurts! . . .
Just inside the doorway, Michelin stands next to Wouie and Mollusk, shaking his head pityingly at the scene.
MICHELIN
It's so hard to find good help these days.
(suddenly starts, remembering something)
Oh, before I forget, here Wouie, spread this on yourself.
He picks up a nearby bucket and hands it to Wouie. Wouie examines the contents.
WOUIE
Howwandaise sauce?
MICHELIN
Yes, you see at the end of the process, your remains are eaten by a crocodile. I do hate to see good meat wasted.
WOUIE
That's positivewy wevowting!
MCHELIN
Look, I tell you what. We'll let the crocodile eat you, then if we have reservations about it later, I'll have a grave dug and he can throw up into it.
Wouie considers this for a few seconds, then:
WOUIE
Awwight.
With a loud crash, D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels smash through a nearby wall, block the path of Michelin, Mollusk, and Wouie, and raise their swords and cross them.
D'ARK-ONION and MUSCATELS
(in unison)
All for everything, and something for nothing!
MICHELIN
The Muscatels! What's the big idea being alive and showing up in the nick of time!
ASSHOLE
Because we're tired of you, Michelin! Now, unhand the King! Your block of residential death flats is officially out of business!
MOLLUSK
Oh come on, don't shut down my project. Think of the tourist trade!
AIRHOLE
The tourist trade don't enter into it! We will never allow our Royal Highness to take up permanent residence in an abattoir as long as our steel remains sharp and true!
Airhole leans toward Porthole.
AIRHOLE
(whispers)
Too corny?
PORTHOLE
(whispers)
A bit.
MOLLUSK
Yes, well that's just the sort of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit around all day on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, couldn't give a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist, you *excrement*!
(works himself up into a rage)
You whining, hypocritical toadies with your color TV sets and your Tony Jacquelin ball clubs and your bleeding masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't give a hyena's tiddy about my work, would you, you blade-happy bastards -!
The KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR appears, and brains Mollusk with a rubber chicken. Mollusk, in a bit of a daze, stumbles out of shot, shouting:
MOLLUSK
Albatross!
ASSHOLE
(mutters)
Git.
AIRHOLE
Can we get on with the big swordfight climax?
MICHELIN
Right. Gumbys, attack!
D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels cross their swords again.
D'ARK-ONION and MUSCATELS
(in unison)
All for everyth-
PORTHOLE
(interrupts)
Oh, sod it! GET 'EM!
They and the Gumbys begin the big swordfight climax. D'Ark-Onion thrust and parry their swords like nobody's business. The Gumbys however, fight back with pieces of fresh fruit instead of swords: strawberries, cherries, limes, pineapples, blood oranges, loganberries, etc. One Gumby tries fighting with a pointed stick but one of his fellows cuffs him upside the head and sends him back to get a banana instead. It's no surprise when the Muscatels quickly win the fight. Wouie hurries over to them.
ASSHOLE
Are you all right, your highness?
WOUIE
Weasonabwy so, my woyaw Muscatews. Congwatuwations on a timewy wescue!
AIRHOLE
Wait, where's Michelin?
Before they can stop him, Michelin opens a secret panel in the wall. Inside is a large red button with the sign, "In case the good guys are winning." Michelin presses the button, opens a larger secret door nearby, and slithers through. It immediately closes behind him before the Muscatels can reach it. From outside, we begin to hear church bells ringing in the distance.
ASSHOLE
Damn, he's escaped!
D'ARK-ONION
And what do you suppose that button was for?
PORTHOLE
Let's not wait around to find out. Let's get you back to the palace, your highness.
They head for the main door, but to their surprise, it's suddenly intact again, and locked.
PORTHOLE
Stand back, your highness, we'll break it down!
D'Ark-Onion and the Muscatels line up to do so.
ASSHOLE
One, two, five -!
D'ARK-ONION
Three.
ASSHOLE
- three!
They all charge the door and collide with it, but this door doesn't break down. They try again, but again the door doesn't yield.
AIRHOLE
Damn! Must be reinforced!
D'ARK-ONION
Say, do you hear those church bells?
ASSHOLE
What about them? It's Sunday, and I think they're quite nice.
D'ARK-ONION
Yes, but doesn't it sound like they're getting louder?
WOUIE
He's wight, they awe definitewy getting wouder!
Porthole looks out a small window.
PORTHOLE
And I know why! Look!
AIRHOLE
What?
PORTHOLE
The church! It's getting closer! It's coming down the hill!
The others rush to the window to see for themselves.
D'ARK-ONION
What a liberty!
PORTHOLE
It's turning into our lane!
ASSHOLE
Straight through the lights, of course!
WOUIE
So that was Michewin's diabowical pwan! The church will fwatten us wike winoweum unwess we can fwee fwom this pwace!
D'ARK-ONION
But all the doors are locked!
(covers his ears)
Those bells are really getting loud!
AIRHOLE
What!
D'ARK-ONION
(shouts)
Those bells are really getting loud!
ASSHOLE
What about this window, is it locked?
PORTHOLE
No, but it's too small for us!
ASSHOLE
But not too small for this!
Asshole reaches under his cloak and pulls out a portable missile launcher.
PORTHOLE
What is that?
ASSHOLE
It's a Number 14 St. Joseph the Sun Upon the Divine Hill Ballistic Missile! I made it for you as a birthday present, but now's as good a time as any to try it!
Porthole takes the launcher and studies it quickly.
PORTHOLE
How do I aim it?
ASSHOLE
It automatically homes in on the nearest place of worship!
AIRHOLE
That's St. Mark's!
D'ARK-ONION
(watching through the window)
It isn't now, look! It's opening the gates!
ASSHOLE
What! Use the megaphone!
D'Ark-Onion picks up a megaphone and shouts into it:
D'ARK-ONION
IT'S OPENING THE GATES!
Airhole and Asshole pry open the window. The bells are deafening by now.
D'ARK-ONION
Hurry up, it's trampling over the azalias!
Porthole shoves the business end of the launcher through the window and pulls the trigger. The missile launches with a big cloud of smoke. D'Ark-Onion, Wouie, and the Muscatels immediately hit the deck in a jumbled pile, and seconds later there's a massive explosion. The church bells gradually slow and die an agonizing death.
PORTHOLE
Did I hit it?
Asshole gets up and checks through the window.
ASSHOLE
Yes, right up the aisle.
D'ARK-ONION
Nice work, Porthole! Well, looks like you're safe now, your highness!
There's no answer.
D'ARK-ONION
Your highness?
WOUIE
(muffled)
Young man?
D'ARK-ONION
Yes, your highness?
WOUIE
(muffled)
You'we sitting on my face!
SCENE 5 – EXTERIOR, RESIDENTIAL BLOCK
Michelin sneaks out of the building through a side door, his sword at the ready in case anyone gets in his way.
MICHELIN
(to himself)
He who schemes and sneaks away lives to scheme another day.
MARIE (O.S.)
Not so fast!
To Michelin's shock, QUEEN MARIE is in his way, now dressed in a Muscatel uniform of her own, and holding up a sword.
MICHELIN
Queen Marie! What the hell're you doing!
MARIE
Getting a decent scene for a change! En garde!
Marie and Michelin have a swordfight of their own, and it's quickly obvious that Marie has the upper hand. Michelin panics, backing into the side of the building, and ultimately Marie knocks his sword from his hand.
MICHELIN
Alright, ALRIGHT! I give up! What're you going to do with me!
MARIE
(smirks)
Nothing. Just stand right there.
MICHELIN
What for?
Marie grins, strolls to the side of the building, and pulls down on a large lever sticking out from the wall. Michelin looks up and sees, with a sinking heart, what the lever is for.
MICHELIN
Oh, bugger.
Michelin winces as a huge metal block, five feet square and five feet tall, falls over him. The block has a huge label on one side: "16 TONS".
Wouie, D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Airhole run into the scene and see Marie's handiwork.
WOUIE
Weww done, my wove!
Wouie hugs her briefly, and then takes out a box from underneath his robe.
WOUIE
A wittwe pwesent to show how gwad I am that we awe weunited.
Marie takes the box, opens it, and sees that it's full of chocolates.
MARIE
Oh Wouie, you shouldn't have!
She bites into a chocolate and savors it for a few moments.
MARIE
Mmm, Crunchy Frog. My favorite!
Wouie turns to the others.
WOUIE
And my sincewest gwatitude to the bwave men wesponsibwe for ouw weunion! And especiawwy ouw newest wecwuit!
Wouie focuses on D'Ark-Onion.
WOUIE
You've mowe than pwoven youw wowth in the sewvice of youw king and countwy. And so, fow youw aid in saving my wife, as weww as the wife of my wife, I heweby decware you, D'Awk-Onion, a Muscat- !
COLONEL (O.S.)
Right! Stop it! Stop it right there!
Everyone turns startled as the stern COLONEL and five other men dressed in British military uniforms march into the scene.
WOUIE
(angwy)
How dawe you intewwupt the sweawing-in cewemony of my newest Muscatew!
COLONEL
Ceremony, nothing, I'm stopping this whole story!
PORTHOLE
What for?
COLONEL
I've warned you time and again about not letting it become too silly! And yet here you are blowing up moving churches and dropping 16-ton weights on people! That's the limit! I'm stopping this story, and arresting all of you for not taking "The Three Musketeers" seriously!
(to his men)
Take them away!
The military men surround the characters and herd them out of the scene.
D'ARK-ONION
But what about my becoming a Muscatel?
The military men ignore him.
D'ARK-ONION
I'm not sleeping with that editor again!
SCENE 6 – INTERIOR, COURTROOM
The courtroom is laid out in the traditional British style. The JUDGE sits behind a tall bench, wearing traditional robes and a long powdered wig. Next to the bench is the "dock" where the accused stand for trial. A twelve-person jury box is off to the side, populated entirely by Gumbys. Wouie, Marie, Michelin, D'Ark-Onion, Asshole, Porthole, and Airhole sit in the front gallery, while the Colonel's men are in the rear gallery. The Colonel himself stands next to the front gallery. The BAILIFF stands up from his seat in front of the bench.
JUDGE
Call Colonel Raymond Luxury-Yacht to the stand!
BAILIFF
Call Colonel Raymond Luxury-Yacht!
COLONEL
With respect, m'lord, my name is spelled "Luxury-Yacht", but it's pronounced "Throat-Wobbler Mangrove."
JUDGE
. . . You're a very silly man, and I'm not going to call on you.
COLONEL
What!
JUDGE
Call King Wouie the Fourteenth to the stand!
BAILIFF
Call King Wouie the Fourteenth!
CHORAL SINGER #1 (O.S.)
(in a higher pitch)
Call King Wouie the Fourteenth!
CHORAL SINGER #2
(still higher pitch)
Call King Wouie the Fourteenth!
CHORAL SINGERS #3, 4, and 5
(three-part harmony)
Call King Wouie the Fourte-e-e-e-enth!
JUDGE
Oh, shut up!
Wouie gets up and steps into the "dock." The PROSECUTOR approaches.
PROSECUTOR
You are Louie the Fourteenth, King of France in the story of "The Three Musketeers?"
WOUIE
No, m'word, I am Wouie the Fouwteenth, wulew of Fwance in the tawe of -
JUDGE
And drop that phony speech impediment!
WOUIE
. . Sorry. Yes, m'lord.
PROSECUTOR
You and your colleagues stand accused of tarnishing a classic work of literature, to wit "The Three Musketeers" by Alexander Dumas, of plagiarizing copyrighted works of television, movies, and records, to wit comedy sketches by Monty Python, and of generally being silly and doing not-at-all good things with said works, to wit staging a half-witted parody of said "Three Musketeers" and said "Monty Python." How do you plead?
WOUIE
I wish to plead incompetence.
JUDGE
"Incompetence"?
WOUIE
No, not incompetence! What's the word? . . . Um . . .
ASSHOLE
Albatross?
WOUIE
No-no, the other word!
MARIE
Dog kennels?
WOUIE
Yes, that's it! I wish to plead dog kennels.
JUDGE
On what ground?
WOUIE
(looks down)
Well, this ground I'm standing on, m'lord.
JUDGE
No, no! I mean, *why* do you think you can plead dog kennels?
WOUIE
Well, m'lord, you're accusing us of making an unauthorized parody of "The Three Musketeers" with the unauthorized use of "Monty Python" sketches. But if that's true, why has it been allowed to go on this long? We've uploaded five entire episodes of it by now! Six, if you count the prologue, which by the way clearly spelled out what this story was going to be about. So why didn't the admin step in at the first upload to call a halt to this whole thing if your accusations are in any way valid?
A court official, who until now had been hanging by the open entrance watching the proceedings, steps fully into the courtroom.
COURT OFFICIAL
I believe I can answer that, m'lord. There's a dead admin on the landing.
JUDGE
A dead admin? From what website?
COURT OFFICIAL
This website, m'lord. It was easy to tell, it's tattooed on the back of his neck. In fact, after running a check, we found it's the admin who was assigned to check the validity of this very story.
JUDGE
So! The killer must have been someone who wanted this story to go out completely as is. Any clues as to the murderer's identity?
COURT OFFICIAL
Sorry, m'lord. No clues found on the body, and no sign of the murder weapon. Only God knows who did it.
SCENE 7 – ANIMATION
God's head appears from an open curtain of clouds.
GOD
*Course* I know who did it! It was Cardinal Michelin!
SCENE 8 – INTERIOR, COURTROOM
MICHELIN
(breaks down)
All right! It's a fair cop, I did it! But society and literature are to blame!
JUDGE
What do you mean, literature?
MICHELIN
When Dumas wrote "The Three Musketeers", he made me the villain. And now, every time someone does a production of that damn book, whether straight or parody, TV, movie, internet, prose or puppet show, I have to be the villain! I have to plot evil plans, kidnap queens, overthrow kings, and then lose to the Musketeers and that little upstart D'Artagnan – or D'Ark-Onion, or whatever he ends up being called! EVERY *DAMN* TIME!
(becoming hysterical)
For three hundred *ghastly* years since Dumas wrote that damn book, I've been hated, booed, hissed, and laughed at, while the Musketeers get love and cheers and have roses and ladies' underwear thrown at them! So I murdered the admin so I could then sabotage this story, making it so silly that no one would ever take it seriously again and they'd stop reading or watching it and I'd *finally* be free! Do you have any idea what it's like, being hissed and booed over and over again for THREE HUNDRED YEARS!
Michelin pauses a few seconds, close to tears, until he finally collects himself and says:
MICHELIN
I never wanted to be a villain!
(beat)
I wanted to be . . .
(dramatic beat)
A LUMBERJACK!
SCENE 9 – EXTERIOR, FOREST, SOMEWHERE IN WESTERN CANADA
A marching tune begins playing. Michelin strides into shot and begins pulling off his cardinal's robes. Underneath them are a plaid shirt and the suspenders and pants that make up traditional lumberjack clothes. He then pulls out a woolen toque to cap off the ensemble.
MICHELIN
Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The giant redwood! The larch! The mighty Scots pine!
MALADY DE WHINER skips into shot, now wearing a traditional frontier dress, and stands next to Michelin.
MICHELIN
With my best girl by my side! We'd sing! Sing! Sing!
As the music begins in earnest, Michelin sings:
MICHELIN
Oh . . .
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I work all day!
All the other actors who ever appeared in this story now appear in the background, lined up in twin rows and wearing the uniforms of Royal Canadian Mounties. They sing the chorus:
CHORUS
He's a lumberjack and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
MICHELIN
I cut down trees! I eat my lunch!
I go to the lavat'ry!
On Wednesdays I go shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea!
CHORUS
He cuts down trees! He eats his lunch!
He goes to the lavat'ry!
On Wednesdays he goes shopping.
And has buttered scones for tea!
MICHELIN and CHORUS
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I work all day!
MICHELIN
I cut down trees! I skip and jump!
I like to press wildflowers!
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars!
CHORUS
He cuts down trees! He skips and jumps!
He likes to press wildflowers!
He puts on women's clothing,
And hangs around in *bars*?
The Chorus looks at each other, then at Michelin in disgust. Malady doesn't look happy either.
MICHELIN and CHORUS
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I work all day!
MICHELIN
I cut down trees! I wear high heels,
Suspenders, and a bra!
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear papa!
CHORUS
He cuts down trees! He wears high heels,
Suspenders, and a *bra*?
This is the last straw. Malady storms off in a huff. Spewing various disgusted epithets, the chorus starts walking off camera as well, but then the music builds up to run the chorus again and they rush back into position.
MICHELIN and CHORUS
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I work all day!
Yes, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okaaaaay!
(pause for several beats)
I sleep all night and I work . .
allllll daaaaaaaay!
Michelin bows deeply, and another 16-ton weight falls on him.
"The Liberty Bell March" – Monty Python's theme music – begins playing, and the choral members rapidly pull off their pants. Somehow, frilly dresses appear underneath them, and as the music takes off, they start can-can dancing to it as the onscreen credits begin rolling.
This episode performed by:
EVERYBODY
Also appearing:
EVERYBODY ELSE
VOICEOVER
Mr. D. P. Gumby is now appearing in the Thames, near Whopping Steps. And Mr. L. N. Gumby is now appearing as a central tunnel support on the new Victoria Line.
The preceding program has been made possible by a grant from the Whizzo Chocolate Company, which went out of business in 1969.
Any complaints about the humorous quality of this program should be addressed to British Airways, Ingraham's Drive, Greenwich.
This has been a presentation of RC Gumby Productions, with all due thanks to Python Pictures Limited, A&E Home Video, and the Spanish Inquisition.
SCENE 10 – INTERIOR, TELEVISION STUDIO
With a dramatic musical chord, CARDINALS XIMINEZ, BIGGLES, and FANG burst through the studio doors.
XIMINEZ
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is -
CUT to TITLE CARD (appears to the sound of a loudly slamming door):
"THE END"
XIMINEZ (V.O.)
Oh, bugger.