I've had this idea in my head for awhile. Don't kill me. Besides, you don't know what's gonna happen in the next chapter so don't start making assumptions. But knowing me…
Oh, and I would like to thank everyone for helping me with the names! You're gonna have to wait to see if Tommy's gonna have a natural birth or c-section. However, with the name, I would like to thank archulambertbby and kelseyflute for helping me come up with it! But thanks for the awesome suggestions, everyone! :)
"A-Adam, I can't, I'm just-" I tried stuttering out a response to his sudden proposal. There are a lot of things wrong with what he just did. And don't make me list them off one by one. So many illogical assumptions are running through my fucking head. I mean seriously? Not only has he treated me like crap for like ever, and stabbed me in the back, but he's fucking raped (- oh, no. It's not rape unless it hurts. You used lube Adam, so it's ALL good, right?) me. And that's how I ended up in this fucked up situation in the first fucking place!
"No!" I yelled, pushing him away from me and stepping out of the shower and quickly grabbing a towel, wrapping it around my waist. I don't know what just came over me, but I got angry. I know that's not the best way to handle a situation, but I'm flipping out. And it's not even me flipping out. It's that pathetic part of me that's always been weak and vulnerable. Soft because Adam decided to torture me and make me feel like crap. This little part of me that's shriveled up and suicidal; that doesn't want to be here but is forced to so that it can make up my being. That part of me is on a fucking roll of Adam Lambert destruction. "Y-You're just manipulative! First you knock me up and now you're asking me to marry you! Get the fuck lost Adam!" I screamed. My tight fists shook at my sides. "Fuck. You. I would sooner kill myself then marry your fucking sorry ass!" Oh, fuck me…
His face fell and I automatically felt bad. What the hell was I doing? I'm not that big of a grudge holder (understatement of the fucking year), but he's trying to be nice and I totally just had that go down the rabbit hole. I mean, I shouldn't be like this. I should have rejected him kindly, right? Fuck me, Tommy. You just said you'd sooner die then marry him. That's worse then anything else he's ever done to you. He just calls you names, never actually hurts your mental being that you know is indestructible. But telling someone you'd sooner kill yourself then marry them? That's low, even for me. Fucking me…
"I-I'm sorry…That was…It's just…" He was tripping over his words in an attempt to fix what hadn't been broken. Now I felt like complete shit. The rage boiling in me dispersed and I just wanted to hug him. Because honestly, he looked kind of pathetic there; naked in the shower with his hair gracing over his eyes. Pitiful, but oh so luscious. And I wanted to hug him, I really did. Just comfort him and allow him to bury his head into my neck (because that was fucking adorable). Say I was sorry and that we could get married when it was legalized (fucking homophobes. Everyone deserves equal rights your fucking bastards) and then we'll have this kid and name it Diablo.
"I just thought we didn't want the kid to be a bastard child."
You know how I said that anger dispersed? Fuck no. The only reason he wants to marry me is because of this fucking thing. I mean of course he doesn't love me or anything (that's going way beyond the limits), but he could at least act like he cares. Like maybe pretend that he likes me for me. The closet we've ever actually gotten to a remotely romantic situation was in the hospital when he was doped up on painkillers! And that's fucking sad if you think about it. The father or your child only liking you because he's loopy in the head. FUCK THAT.
I don't know, this fucking sucks. He fucking sucks. Screw this bitch all the way to bitchy hill on top of dick fucking mountain.
"Get the fuck out of my house," I hissed, opening the bathroom door and slamming it shut. Okay, now I'm the one with the crazy mood swings and great guilt trips, but whatever. I actually don't care at this point. Everything is spiraling out of control and I'm honestly not sure if I can handle it anymore. I don't have any clue what I'm suppose to do with the kid (and have I mentioned I haven't even thought about the fact that I might have to fucking give birth to this thing?), Adam's going insane, and my mood swings are kicking in. Best. Fucking. Year. Ever.
I sighed, drying off my hair and getting into a pair of boxers, jeans, and a tank-top. I lay on my bed, placing my hands behind my head while I heard some rummaging in the bathroom then it opened with a red-eyed Adam. Oh, fuck me! Did I seriously make him cry? I've never seen him cry before. But it was honestly like a perfect picture. His hair was slightly damp and messy with his blue orbs surrounded by rims of red from the result of crying. He was fully dressed again and when our eyes met, he immediately looked the other way, shutting the bathroom door and heading out the bedroom.
I squeaked at him in a pathetic attempt to stop him, but he didn't turn around. He did however say something that didn't make any sense to me. It was totally out of context and I don't get what it meant.
"I've been planning on doing it for awhile. Thank you for confirming my decision. Good bye Tommy." He walked out the door, his leopard boots clicking as he went downstairs, and out of my sight.
What was he talking about?
Adam didn't know what to do anymore. He poured his heart out to Tommy in hopes that that would make him believe that he truly did care. He really did. He's just messed up in the head, and it's not his fault. Neil's a fucking handful, his parents are dead and he's going haywire to paying off all his hospital bills, home bills, plus the three jobs he's currently occupied with. And he just can't handle it anymore. Of course he's been dealing with all this frustration and stress for Neil, but he honestly didn't realize until a couple months ago that it was hurting Tommy.
The truth is, he really likes Tommy. He's gay, and he admits it. He just shows his pain through the hurt and neglect of others. It's not that he enjoys hurting Tommy, but it's what he does to hide his inhumane feelings towards the blond. Plus the fact that he had to get out his anger some way, and unfortunately, the small male was his metaphoric punching bag. Fuck…
He was hoping that if Tommy at least let him down gently, they could sleep together and stuff, take care of this kid and live happily ever after. But that's not gonna happen. No, nothing is ever going to go his way. And the honest to god truth why he is such an asshole is because it's his way of releasing it all, but Tommy wouldn't understand that. No, he wouldn't. No one can. Not even Neil who's going through the same shit. But it's not the same. He couldn't understand why he was like this because Tommy's life may not be all dandelions, but it sure as hell is a lot better then Adam's. He may be slightly selfish and hypocritical for saying that (because, after all, Adam isn't pregnant), but his life still isn't the most normal. In fact, it's lead him into a couple of break downs.
He didn't think that at the age of seventeen he'd be paying for bills and stressing out so much that he hasn't slept in about two years. It's just…he can't take it anymore. Like, it's unbearable. And the fact that his crush hates him doesn't help that he wants to end his life. What he said to Tommy before he left probably didn't make much sense to him, but it did to Adam. Tommy confirmed the brunette's decision to killing himself.
It's incredibly selfish, he knows, but he can't do anything else. He's going to leave Neil, Tommy, and the baby alone because he can't handle the strain. It was wearing his body down, and sooner or later he was going to die anyway. He hasn't eaten, he's been slitting his wrists to shit, his hair has been coming out when he's washing it, but he's been covering this all up so no one would know his dirty little secret.
And there you have it. Adam Lambert may not be the most selfless male, but he covers up his problems so others don't worry about him. But it's too late for anyone to actually see any of those symptoms…
He hissed lightly, opening the door and slamming it shut. Neil was at his friend's house, thank fucking god. What he was about to do wasn't something he wanted his little brother to witness. Or see. It was selfish yes, but he needed to get this over with. Just do it, Lambert. You've been a coward about it for fucking ever and now's the time. You'll never be able to have Tommy. The kid's probably going to hate your guts, and Neil is better off with a caring foster home. If anything, you're helping the world by ridding yourself from it.
He sobbed a little, running upstairs and rummaging around his medicine cabinet, pulling out the heavy sleeping pills he would soon swallow to end his never ending life. Too much to handle. Die. Die. Die.
He gulped a little shuffling downstairs and grabbing a bottle of wine that he would drown these things with. Tears flew freely down his face now and he bit his bottom lip, deciding if this was the right thing to do. Yes…
"I-I'm so…So sorry, Neil…Tommy…Glitters…" Adam had thought of a nickname for the baby being held within his never to be boyfriend. He loved Tommy being Glitterbaby, so he thought the kid could be Glitters. But no one will ever know that once he's dead. Glitters will never be able to be discovered.
And with his final tears, he shoved a handful of the pills into his mouth, un-corked the wine and gulped it all down in one swoosh. He shivered, sobbing loudly and sliding down the counter with tears staining his face. He buried his head into his hands, his shoulders shuddering up and down with each sob he let go.
"Fuck me!" he yelled, bawling into his sleeve. This is it. It's over. Done. "Tommy…I…I think I do…love you, but I just didn't have the courage to tell you. I'm sorry I was so mean to you…But I don't think I really like you…" He took in a large inhale, shuddering and smile slightly as the tears dripped down his broken face.
"I love you."
The pills took affect and he hiccupped lightly, shutting his eyes into darkness…emptiness…A vast field of nothing but Tommy's face that soon faded, along with Adam's life…
Adam had just left and I began contemplating what had just gone down. Now it was pretty messed up. "Fuck me, why the hell am I thinking about that now?" I murmured, pulling on my hair. "Why in the name of HELL would I think of that name? It's so…"
You're thinking about names for the kid because you feel bad for what you did to Adam. You broke his heart and you know that just as well as I do. You pretty much took his heart out and ripped it to pieces. And to add injury to insult, you told him to get the fuck out of your house. Sure, Tommy's he's done some pretty shitty stuff, but you pretty much told him to go fuck himself when he fucking proposed to you. That's why you just thought of that name for the kid. You love that name, and you know Adam is going to like it too. Suck it up. Admit it Tommy. You love-
Hell to the no. I don't love that asshole, he doesn't know what shit I'm going through-
You don't know what shit he's going through. For god's sake, stop being selfish. His parents died when he was young, he has to take care of his brother. God only knows what he's going through. So stop thinking about yourself. Admit that you actually do care about the thing growing inside you and go find Adam. Tell him you love-
Shit, shit, shit, shit. I…I can't actually…l…love…Adam Lambert, could I? That just defies everything. It's like magic for me to actually love him. Like some freaky wizard cast a spell on me, enabling me to gain the power to love Adam Lambert. What the hell? It's just not possible…Shit. I should go apologize and tell him what I want the kid's name to be. He should like that. He's into sappy stuff like that, right? It'll make up for my selfish and immature behavior, if anything…
I sighed, running out my door and pounding down the stairs, grabbing my trench coat and shivering lightly when a gust of wind blew in my face as I ran outside, strutting to Adam's house. I knew where he lived because I sometimes took some tutoring appointments at his house. So I'm pretty familiar with it. And it was a pretty nice little house. Two stories, really nice kitchen, awesome living room. I could crash there if need be.
It was cold today. Weird. Gray clouds gathered ahead and it began to drizzle. I cuddled in closer to my coat and squinted through the fog forming around me. What the fuck is happening? Why is the weather acting so fucking weird? This is fucking off. Whatever, I don't give a shit. What am I going to tell Adam when I see him? Do I honestly tell him that I might actually…?
I shook my head trying to rid myself of those thoughts. It's impossible. We're polar opposites. We're…We're…My heart began to beat faster and I stopped walking, shivering and suddenly feeling sick. But I read that morning sickness ended after three months, so why was I so cold and felt like I was gonna throw up? My stomach began to hurt and I gasped, clutching it and gritting my teeth together. Fuuuuckk…Meee…
What was happening? This was so weird. Nature is being a bitch and now this kid is deciding to grace me with its disadvantages. Why the fuck is any of this happening?
Then is stopped. Just stopped. I felt nothing. Like some part of me just died, and I had no fucking idea what part. Like…Something huge in my life just vanished and this thing inside of me knew it, the world knew it, and I didn't. What the fuck was going on?
I shook my head and sprinted to Adam's house, walking up to his door and knocking on it (more like pounding on it). There was no answer. I twisted the knob and it opened (not so good when you live in San Diego; keep your doors locked). With a sigh I walked in and looked around. It smelt like him. Coffee and peaches. So sweet, so impeachable…So lovely (I'm gay, get use to it).
"Adam?" I called loudly, gripping my coat and shutting the door. No answer. "ADAM?" I asked louder and still no response. Maybe he wasn't home. Whatever, I'll keep looking. Maybe I'll find something interesting and can snoop around or maybe even-
Oh god.
My hand flew to my mouth and my knees gave in and I fell to them, tears rising to my eyes at the gruesome sight- all too real in front of me. It was like one of my favorite horror movies got hold of the script of my life and wrote those most shocking, most disturbing, most hurtful thing ever into my manuscript. This was…
Adam's back was leaning against the counter, a bottle of wine in one hand and an empty pill bottle spilling over in the other. His eyes were closed and his hair was draped over his perfect face. Adam's mouth was slightly open with white spit coming out of the corner and dripping into the forming puddle on the granite tile that made up the kitchen floor. His chest didn't move and he looked so pale. So fucking pale.
"A-Adam?" I stuttered, literally crawling over to him and hugging his head into my chest. "Fucking hell! ADAM!" I screamed this time, burying my head into his hair and sobbing. Sobbing so fucking hard. "A-Adam, don't die. Don't fucking d-die!" I screamed, shaking and hugging him as close to me as physically possible. "B-Babyboy…" It sounded so right. I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. He was my Babyboy. And I fucking loved him. I loved his sweet side. And I regret the fact that I never got to know that sweet side. I could only look at his hurt and angry self, and I didn't even know what caused him to be this way. I was selfish and inconsiderate… "I-I…"
I couldn't take it. I burst into bawls and with a shaky hand, reached into my pocket, dialing nine-one-one and giving them all the fucking information they needed (or at least trying to through the waterfalls pouring out of my eyes). Hurry the hell fucking up.
I clutched his head and tears stained his hair. "I-I thought of a name f-for the kid…L-Leo…L-Lambert…" I sobbed even more, nipping at his hair to get a sense that he was still alive. "B-Because y-you always w-wear your leopard boots…A-And I l-love them so much…" I gulped, choking on my own hysterics and felt like it was just me and Adam in a pitch black room. No one was there…just us. I could say anything, and only me, Adam, and Leo would hear it.
Do it.
"I love you."