Harry Platter 3: Harry Platter and the Prisoner Piemaker of Azkaban Alcatraz Flazkhaman

Autours Nose: In my opinion, the last two Harry Platter fics were utter crap. I resolve to take my time, and never give up when writing. 'cept I'm not really writing. I just type. Congradulations [sic] to theflowofmusic for me using his/her/its "piemaker" idea.

Also, I recommend reading this with a medium sized font, set to "Verdana", ¾ wide, smaller line spacing, and on a dark background. Due to being reduced into a shapless ball of flesh in the last book chapter, Mouldyvort will not be making an apperance.

I: To Hogfarts

It was raining in Little Fangling, and amidst the now soaked London suburb, there existed a house. This house was, but not quite, similar to the houses next door. And those houses were the same, but not quite, similar to the houses next to them. And so on, all through the neighborhood. In all, it was the exact same as a flock of penguins. Sure, they all might be unique, but there's absolutley no way to tell them apart exept by smell. Or something. Anyways, I'm getting off topic here. So, in one of these houses that look almost exactly the same as the other ones around it, there was a room, and in that room was a closet, a dresser, a bed, but most of all, a boy. This boi boy was about thirteen years of age. He was, by all apperances, the same as most other boys, discernable only by smell. He had glasses, a generic shirt with nothing on it, jeans, partly untidy hair, and a name, which you all should recognize as being Harry Platter. But the thing that set him apart from almost every boy his age, besides scent, was that he was magical.

That is to say, he could perform magic. He was a wizard. He knew how to cast spells, brew potions, transmogriswitchafigure things. But he could only do a limited amount of those things, because he was a wizard in training, enrolled at the Hogfarts School of Whizzes and Shabang. As a matter of fact, he was leaving for the train to get there in several hours.

'Harry boi, don't forget to brush your teeth!' called a voice from down the stairs. It was his uncle Vermon.

Vermon was married to Harry's aunt Petoobia. And they both had a son named Dubley. The whole family was germaphobic. Harry didn't give an owls tail feather about that, but he complied with their strict cleanliness criteria, lest he be subject to the Steel Wool Scrub. So harry brushed his teeth, washed his face, took a bath, scrubbed behind the ears, washed his hair with anti dandruff and lice shampoo, had a blood test, a radioactivity test, and clipped his tonails.

At last, after much exposition, Harry was off to Queen's Corner Station. He barreled through the barrier between platforms nine and ten to get to platform nine point seven five. There, he saw his good friends, Don and Hermyown. When at last they were all on the train and set off, they began to talk about their holidays.

'Um...'

'I uh, went to the beach?'

'Oh.. the beach... yeah, I went there once.'

'I didn't go anywhere at all. The closest I got to a beach was falling into the Thames.'

Uh, let's just skip to he part where they all get off the train and are heading to the feast. The teachers were all sitting there. In the middle was the headmaster, Dunderbore. To his left sat Professor Snafu, the potions master. To his right was Professor McGoogley, the Transmogriswitchafiguration teacher.

Everybody dug in, and as the feast wound down, Dunderbore stood up and raised his hands for silence.

'Everybody, welcome.' and then sat down again. Hermyown looked positively scared.

'He's probably's got some mental sickness!'

II: Deflectors

The next day, Hermyown walked over to Don and Harry, with that day's edition of the Periodically Diurnal Psychic.

'Look at this, guys.' she said. 'To wizarding dismay, The notorious criminal Seriously Black has escaped from the wizard prison Flazkhaman'

'Flazkaman?' said Harry

'No, Flazkhaman'

'How do you spell it?

'F-L-A-Z-K-H-Phlegm-A-M-A-N.'

'Whatever. Anyways, go on.'

'It says that the wizarding community has expresssed their annoyance by going into a state of panic. The Central Magical Agency assures that everything is under control as they have sent the Deflectors out to search for him.

'What are Deflectors?'

'They're the ones who guard Flazkhaman.' said Don. 'They're horrible'

'Oh.' said Harry. 'Howcome?'

'They replace all the happy thoughts in your mind with Lady Gaga songs.. And when you try to block those thoughts out, you get a whole bunch of unhappy thoughts.'

'Wait, there's more!' said Hermyown. 'It says that... yadda yadda... stationed at Hogfarts School!'

'Uh, oh.' said Don. That could mean trouble. Anyways, I'm going to bed.'

III: Encounter

'Yeah! Woo!'

The air was electric, as the houses Miphyndoor and Shnilavin faced off in a game of Kniddtch. Kniddtch is too complex of a sport for me to go into detail about it right now. Miphyndoor had sucessfully scored a Flaket with the Woofle, thus bringing the score to 30-30. Exitement was mounting, especially as there were only 5 Gallaghers left. A Miphyndoor player successfully intercepted the Woofle and passed it to his teammate who took a shot and... he scored a Flibber just as the time went to 0 Gallaghers. Everybody from Miphyndoor cheered, and the scoring teammate was lifted onto the shoulders of the rest.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the air grew chilly. Strange thoughts swirled through his head.

'I've had a little bit too much / All of the people start to rush. / Start to rush by. / A dizzy twister dance / Can't find my drink or man. / Where are my keys, I lost my phone. / What's going on on the floor? / I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore. / Keep it cool what's the name of this club? / I can't remember but it's alright, alright...'

'No,' moaned Harry. 'song's too...catchy... '

'Just dance. Gonna be okay. / Da-doo-doo-doo / Just dance. Spin that record babe. / Da-doo-doo-doo / Just dance. Gonna be okay / Duh-duh-duh-duh / Dance. Dance. Dance. Just dance...'

'Aargh...no...' and everything went black.

When Harry came to, he saw Don, Hermyown, Don's sister Minnie, Dunderbore, and the new Defence Teacher, Giddy Locker, who was grinning like a maniac, standing around him.

'Hey, Harryboy!' gleefully exclaimed. 'How's it going?'

'Why's he here?' mumbled Harry groggily.

'Oh, nothing,' said Locker, still smiling like he just went mad. Harry wanted to punch that smile off his face, but for some reason, his arm wouldn't move an inch.

Hermyown spoke up. 'You broke your arm falling off the broom. While you were unconscious, Professor Locker tried to fix it, but he... um... made a little mistake.'

'He vanished all the bones in your arm.' said Don. 'And your muscles... and your tendons...'

Harry glared at Locker. If looks could kill, Giddy would have been dead twice, cut up into a hundred and thirty pieces, burned, and had the ashes flushed down the toilet.

'...and your nerves...and your arteries... and your blood. Yeah. Oh, and the lower layer of skin.' finished Don.

'But there's no need to worry.' said Dunderbore. 'The matron will fix everything. However, it will cause you unbearable pain and suffering for the rest of your life.'

'I'll do it.' said Harry.

'Oh, sorry, what I meant was that it will only cause slight discomfort.'

'I'll do it.'

IV: Another Encounter

Once Harry's arm had completely healed, something happened that completely changed their lives. Harry and Don were in their dormatory when suddenly Don let out a scream.

'!1!'

'What is it, Don?' said Harry, fibrillating.

'It was Seriously Black!'

'What? Here?'

'Yeah!'

'No way.'

'Really!'

'No kidding?'

'No!'

'You're not pulling my leg?'

'No!'

'Seriously Black was here?'

'No!... wait... YES!'

'Well, somebody's gotta tell Dunderbore!'

Harry looked at Don for a second.

'Oh, okay. I'll do it.' said Harry.

Ascending the elevator to Dunderbore's office, Harry thought about the Deflectors. He didn't think that he could stand another Deflector attack.

DING!

The doors opened with an onomatopoetic kafwoooshhhhnk that would make any dictionary curl up in a corner and cry itself to sleep. Sitting at his desk, in his infinitesmal goofiness for somebody his age, slightly crosseyed, his long white beard trailing to the floor, Dunderbore. He spoke with a voice that contained a hint of the magnitude of his extrordinary mind

'Well, hello, Hector.'

Okay, maybe not.

'Professor, my friend Don says he saw Seriously Black in our dormitory!'

'Oh dear.' said Dunderbore. 'I'll inform the staff right away.'

'How?' asked Harry.

'With a group of three asterisks, of course!'

'I have to admit, I am positively shaken by these turns of events.' said the unbearably annoying voice of Giddy Locker.

'Whatever.' said Professor Snafu

'Deflectors have been placed at every entrance.' said Professor McGoogley 'I don't know how he could have gotten in without "LoveGame" playing through his head.'

Harry simply sat there. He still had no idea how the teachers had gotten there so fast.

'Professor Dunderbore, what's the deal with Seriously Black?'

'Well, take a seat, and I'll tell you.'

'I'm already sitting.'

V: The Deal with Seriously Black

Several several years ago (thats several years added to another several years), Seriously Black, who was a friend of Harry's father at Hogfarts, attacked Peter Priceisright, who was also a friend of Harry's father. Peter accused Seriously of betraying Harry's parents, which actually is what happened and no other explanation is possible. So Seriously hit Peter with a curse and Peter was killed, and not sent to another dimension.

VI: The Real Deal with Seriously Black

'Such an untimely dea- I mean, sent to another dimentioning' concluded Dunderbore.

'Such an untimely story.' said Snafu.

'Well, Harley, you'd best head to bed.' said Dunderbore

'Sure, professor.'

Harry tiredly walked back to his dormitory. However, just as he was about to enter, there was a sound of breaking glass and the sound of Don screaming. Harry wrenched open the door just in time to see Don sail out the window in tow of a large black animal.

'!' SCREAMED DO- sorry, screamed Don.

'Hang on,' yelled Harry back, 'I'm coming!'

'Harry chased the incapacitated Don across the grounds, and ultimately to the Screaming Shed, where he found himself face to facial hair with none other than Seriously Black.

'Harry, there is so much I have to tell you. For one thing, I did not betray your parents.'

'Wow, I'm totally going to believe that.'

'Harry, you gotta listen to me!'

'No, no, I wasn't being sarcastic. I actually do believe you.'

'Oh, okay'

And with that, Harry and Seriously walked out of the Screaming Shed and were immediately set upon by a hundered and one Deflectors. The last thing that passed through Harry's head as he blacked out was a ridiculous outfit.

Harry awoke in the hospital wing to find Don and Hermyown looking flustered.

'We just saved Seriously!' exclaimed Don. 'we did this thing with this time reversing thing and it was awesome.'

'Wow. I feel left out, somehow.'

And they all laughed, while Professor Snafu had a tantrum.

THE END, I GUESS.

Wow. and no mention of pies anywhere. Stay tuned faithful readers for the continuation of my greatest fanfic series! Edward Elric Gets a Job 2 is the next in line to be written!