Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart
"So you miss the feeling when you step outside. Yeah, your mind comes all untied and then you open up your eyes and you don't feel lonely.
See it feels bad now, but it's gonna get better. See it feels bad now, but it's gonna get better. See it feels bad now, but it's gonna get better, someday."
- Almost Everything by WAKEY! WAKEY!
Mark stood by his daughter's bedside as she ate her hospital jello. He didn't know what was going through her head. He didn't know if he wanted to know what was going through her head. As she stared at her spoonful of see-through green jello, he wondered if anything was going through her head.
It had been a solid twelve hours since the birth of his grandson. Now two thirty in the afternoon, Mark was shaking with anticipation and sleep deprivation. Sloan hadn't asked to see her son, but she hadn't picked up a phone to call the child's possible parents. She hadn't proposed they could all try to make it work, but she hadn't deemed it completely illogical either. Sloan hadn't spoken a word about her little boy, nor her intentions for him or his future. Sloan hadn't said anything of substance at all, and it was killing him.
"Why is hospital jello so, like, slimy and totally gross?" Sloan mumbled, making a face as she dropped the glob of jello on her spoon, back into its cup.
Before Mark could stop himself, he jumped into full-on parental mode, "Do you want something else? They have apple sauce or, or ice cream, I'm sure I could get you a salad or a sandwich or something."
"No, it's whatever." Sloan replied disinterestedly, placing her jello cup back on her plate and laying back down, "I'm not really hungry."
Mark sat down in the chair next to her hospital bed, "Sloan, you have to eat something. Your body needs to recover, its been through an insurmountable amount of trauma today, not to mention these past nine months."
Sloan rolled her eyes, "Dad, I just pushed a melon out of my uterus, I understand the pain I've been put through."
"Right, sorry." Mark apologize, running his hands through his hair. He wanted to ask, he felt like he needed to ask, but he couldn't ask. He was a coward in the presence of his own daughter. He took a deep breath before speaking, slowly and unsurely, his voice just above a whisper. "Have you, er-, um... Have you thought about what you want to do, with the kid I mean."
Sloan sighed loudly, "Actually, you know I am kind of hungry. Could you go to the cafeteria and get me a sandwich or something? Maybe a salad too. And a coke, a coke would be awesome." She couldn't have this conversation, not with him. Not right now.
Mark rose out of his chair, "Of course, I'll be right back." He laid a loving hand on her head, briefly running it over her scalp. Though it felt unequivocally redeeming that he had someone in his life to wait on hand and foot, he couldn't escape the annoying voice of reason at the back of his head, reminding him that this situation was only temporary.
As he walked towards the door, Sloan spoke again, "Could you also send Dr. Robbins in? I have some questions I need to ask her."
Mark opened the door before turning around and giving his daughter a small smile, "Sure thing, kid."
Within a few minutes, Dr. Robbins appeared at the door. "Hello Sloan, how are you feeling?" The surgeon walked over to the machines monitoring Sloan's heart rate and other areas of possible concern. She opened Sloan's chart and scribbled a few notes, before turning to the seemingly anxious blonde laying in the hospital bed.
"Did you send for Lexie, like I asked? Lexie Grey, I know there's a lot of Dr. Grey's in this hospital, I've heard all about the Grey drama. So that's why I'm making sure you paged for Lexie Grey, and not Meredith or any other Grey. Because I kind of need her and she's not here." Sloan's words were speedy and slightly panicked, indicating a desperate need for the littlest Grey.
Arizona remained calm in the midst of Sloan's anxiety, "I requested Dr. Lexie Grey to be put on my service today, I even spoke with her this morning. I'm surprised she isn't here, but I could page her again if you'd like."
"Yes, yes please. Because I really need her right now and I can't really talk to my dad before I talk to her, and he really wants to talk. Like really. And he's here, and he's hovering, and he wants to know things, things that I don't have the answer to because Lexie isn't here."
The surgeon nodded slowly, "I'll page her right away." Arizona turned towards the door, before the new mother's voice stopped her once again.
"Could you tell her to meet me somewhere other than here?" Sloan lifted her blankets, in preparation for possible relocation. "I just, I don't want my dad to know. He'd be heart broken if he found out I went to her before I talked to him, and I don't need anymore guilt in my life at this moment."
Dr. Robbins turned towards Sloan with a smile, she was slightly amazed at the amount of maturity Sloan had obtained since they last met. Though it wasn't a heavy amount, she had acquired understanding and compassion; which meant she was on her way to becoming an actual adult, "I think I have the perfect place."
Lexie looked at the little faces laying in their little beds. She couldn't help the smile that spread over her face as she saw them wiggle and examen the world around them. They were so perfect, so untouched by reality, oblivious to the outside world. They hadn't been damaged yet, they hadn't been disappointed or heart broken, they had a whole life of possibility in front of them. It was so despairingly beautiful and wonderfully tragic, tears welled up in the eyes of the sentimental dark blonde. It wasn't fair that in a matter of years they would know hurt and pain and abuse. It wasn't fair that damage was one of life's requirements. You couldn't survive if you never acknowledged the impurities of the world, Lexie found that out the hard way.
She sighed as she lowered her hand from the glass window, separating her and the newborn babies. At the sound of her voice, she turned her head to meet an adaptation of the piercing blue eyes she had once fell in love with.
"Sloan," Lexie was taken aback at the appearance of the new mother. "What are you doing here?" She mentally slapped herself, it was quite apparent that she was here to see her son. Lexie outwardly cringed at her own stupidity, "Sorry, I'm just- sorry. You're here to see your son, I'm just, I'm not all together today." Lexie shook her head and took a step forward, embracing Sloan in a gentle hug.
This affection surprised Sloan. How was this woman in her arms able to stand the sight of her, the very person who tore her away from her one true love. Okay, while it was gross to think of her own father as somebody's true love, Sloan had to admit that was what Lexie and Mark were, they were true and they were passionately, vomit-inducingly in love. And with her arrival, Sloan tore that perfection down from the cloud it had been floating on.
Sloan squeezed Lexie tightly as tears cascaded from her eyes. Lexie pulled back slightly, keeping her arms around Sloan in a warm, motherly affectionate way. "Sloan, why are you crying?" Lexie asked delicately, rubbing Sloan's arms soothingly.
Sloan tried to fight for words as she sobbed uncontrollably, "I can't, I can't, I... I... I can't-"
Lexie hugged the hormonal woman once more, shushing her and whispering the words her own self longed for someone to say to her, "It's okay, it's all going to be okay."
After awhile, Sloan pulled herself away from the embrace and wiped her eyes. Lexie watched her with concern, waiting patiently for Sloan to speak.
The younger blonde stared at the floor, slightly ashamed. She spoke quietly, her voice barely above a whisper, "I didn't come here to see him."
Lexie shook her head. She had been paged to the PEDS floor, suspecting Arizona had only wished to give her an option to see Sloan. It was clear now that she was paged because Sloan needed to see her. Which made Lexie's heart swell with pride and anxiety.
"I didn't come here to see him," Sloan restated, "I came to see you. To talk to you." Sloan looked up from the floor, briefly meeting Lexie's eyes before once again turning her gaze away. Lexie waited silently, patiently for Sloan to continue. "He's waiting on my decision, they both are." She admitted, referring to both her son and her father. "But I don't know, I don't know what to do. The parents I picked," Sloan turned to face the window that exposed at least ten babies, one of them being her son. "The parents I picked for him are awesome. Ya know? They're totally cool, they have a lot of property where he can run around and play, they really want kids to love and spoil; they're exactly what parents should be. And they're wicked smart too, so I know he'd be a brainiac if they raised him. He could reach his full potential with them."
Sloan played with the fabric of her hospital gown, "But, at the same time, my dad wouldn't get a chance. He's put up with so much of my crap during this pregnancy, while my mom was off being a hypocrite and refusing to help me out. He wasn't allowed to be there for me when I was growing up, but this is kinda like his second chance, ya know? Like this child is kind of like my gift to him. If I keep my son, I know my dad won't screw him up, like I would. I know he'd give him everything a baby, a person could ever need. I know my dad could be a great father figure for my kid, he'd be more than a grandpa. I know he deserves to have that chance. But, but I, I don't-"
Lexie nodded sympathetically, "But you're caught between what's best for your father and what's best for your son."
Sloan turned to Lexie, fresh tears forming in her eyes, "What do I do?"
Lexie was speechless. In all the months she had known Sloan, she had never expected this amount of sophistication. Sloan was really growing into a fine woman, she was sacrificing what she wanted for the people who meant the most to her. She saw that her father and her son were above herself, and out of all of these possible outcomes, she hadn't even contemplated factoring her own desires and needs into the equation.
The surgeon looked at the girl before her with a new respect. Lexie offered her a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, before asking, "You know what everybody else wants you to do, you know what your dad wants, you know what the family you were talking to wants. But, what do you want?"
Sloan stumbled on her words for a minute, offering only syllables and sounds before bringing her thoughts together, "I want to go to college. I want to make something of myself. I want to have a conversation with somebody and not have them look at me like I'm an idiot. I want to do something with my life and prove to my mom and everyone else that I can amount to something, that I'm not just a screw-up. I want to be someone my dad and my son can be proud of. I want to wait until I'm ready to take care of a child. I want to be stable and supportive. I want to grow up." Sloan's voice built in passion and frequency, until she was almost shouting.
Lexie placed a hand on Sloan's shoulder as the teen heaved, trying to control her emotions. The new mother was experiencing a whirlwind of questions and consequences, all at one time. She fell to her knees and pressed her back against the wall. Lexie sat down beside her and took Sloan's hand in her own.
Lexie spoke soothingly, as she rubbed her thumb across Sloan's hand, "You're not a screw-up. You're scared and you're unsure, but you're not a screw-up. And believe it or not, you are growing up and you are someone your father and your son are proud of. You can do all those things you want to do. You can go to college, you can experience life, you can become whoever you want to be. You just have to let yourself."
Sloan laid her head on Lexie's shoulder. It was surreal, Lexie would've never imagined caring for this selfish, egocentric, oblivious little girl. And yet, here they were. Lexie was the one she had turned to, Lexie was the one she had reached out for, Lexie was the one Sloan needed.
"How?" Sloan asked defeatedly.
Lexie stroked Sloan's hair lightly, "You know how."
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