Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

"Here I am, with all the pleasures of the first world laid out for me, who am I to breakdown?
Everyday we wake up, we choose light, we choose love, and I try, it's too easy just to fall apart."
- You, Me and The Bourgeoisie by The Submarines

It had taken a lot for Mark to come to this point in his life. To be able to sit here, next to his daughter, and offer his support no matter what her decision. It had taken years of mistakes and failures, months of self-hatred and self-loathing, weeks of reveling in his sad excuse for a life, days of agonizing torment from the reminders of his past, hours upon hours of sleep deprivation due to his conflicting mind, and moments of utter disgust with own audacity. Mark Sloan had come a long way to get this point in his life, and now all of his hopes, all of his future plans rode on a single woman's one decision.

"I called Shane and Beth, the parents I had picked a few weeks ago." Sloan spoke slowly, gently, as if the sheer sound of her voice would break her father in unimaginable ways. "They should be here in a couple hours."

Mark swallowed, he tried to hold back the anger, the hurt of his daughter's choice. But he couldn't. He tried to muster some feelings of pride or confidence in Sloan for making up her mind, choosing the best option for her son. But nothing stirred inside of him. He tried to speak words of understanding and acceptance to convey to the new mother that he got it, he understood why she chose the sensible, stable family over her own, emotionally-wrecked father. But no words came.

He couldn't hold back his anger, nor his pain, because he felt neither. He couldn't muster any feelings, because he could not feel anything. He couldn't convey any words of love nor understanding, because he couldn't speak at all. He felt nothing, not a single thing.

Sloan reflected back to just an hour ago, as Lexie had held her in silence. Lexie may not have been ready for a mothering role, but Sloan certainly thought she would've made a great one, she would, one day, make a great one. Even if she was just a few years older than herself, Lexie Grey was more of a mother than to her than Sloan's own mother was.

After a while on the floor, Sloan sighed and proposed they get up and face the impending situation. Lexie had seen the new mother was still a bit weary of her decision and instead grabbed her hand and pulled her into the room of newborns.

"I really don't think this is a good idea," Sloan stated, looking around nervously. "We shouldn't be in here."

Lexie gave her a small smile before picking up a newborn swaddled in a blue blanket, "I'm a doctor, and this little guy," Lexie spoke calmly, confidently, while supporting the baby's head, "has your DNA. So yes, this is a good idea, and we should be in here."

Sloan shook her head as Lexie walked towards her with the little boy in her arms, "I don't- you agreed that the best decision was…" Her voice trailed off as Lexie offered the baby to her. "I can't." Sloan stated simply.

Lexie looked at the small life in her hands before turning her gaze to Sloan, "You can. Here, sit." Lexie walked towards a rocking chair located in the corner of the room. Sloan sat down rigidly as Lexie set the newborn in her arms. "I know what I said and I know what you said, but you need to hold him, Sloan. You need to see him in front of you, meet him, love him. You need to realize that you're making the right decision for both of you." Lexie stood above Sloan and her son, as she watched the blonde relax and cradle the baby silently. "You need to recognize that you're doing a good thing here. You need to meet your son and know that you won't regret your choice, because it's the right one."

Sloan sighed contently, her son sleeping soundlessly in her arms. "It's going to be hard," Lexie continued, "when you tell your dad. It's going to be hard when you give him away. It's going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do. And you'll reflect back on your options and you'll wonder if you've chosen what was best. But at those times, the times that make you question your choice, question yourself, you'll reflect back on this moment and you'll know that the little baby in your arms, that your son, is safe and wanted and loved." Lexie's voice was barely above a whisper now, "Remember this moment."

Sloan closed her eyes in her hospital bed as her father stared at her, emotionless. She closed her eyes and remembered the way she had felt as she held her son. She remembered how he smelled, how peaceful and serene he had seemed, how perfect he was. She remembered that moment. And as the weight of her guilt mounted upon her shoulders, she couldn't bring herself to regret her decision. She opened her eyes to find her father nodding, his lips pursed in thought.

Sloan wrung her hands in her lap nervously, before relaying the speech she had previously prepared in her head, just like Lexie suggested. "They have a huge backyard. Shane and Beth, they have acres of land, grassy land with trees and room to run. Little boys need room to run. Beth is a kindergarden teacher, so when he's ready for school she'll have the same time schedule as him. They'll have summers off together and get out at the same time. I thought that'd be nice. Shane owns a contracting company. He, um, he has his own at home office. So if he was ever needed to stay home, he could. They have a summer house in North Carolina, right on the beach. They, they're great people, Dad. They're great people and they'll take care of him, they'll love him and they'll give him everything he could ever need."

Mark nodded, his eyes still blank, conveying no emotion. He was empty. Without consciously knowing, he had laid all his hope and desire into this child, the mere opportunity to establish himself in this little boy's life. Mark had treated the birth of his grandson as a chance to make up for all his years of mistakes and failures, an opportunity to redirect the pain of those months of self-hatred and self-loathing, a clean slate to his weeks of reveling in his sad excuse for a life, days to rewrite the agonizing torture of the past, a reason for him to close his eyes at night and open them in the morning, moments to dedicate his whole self to someone more worthy. He had placed his everything into a choice, a life that was not his own.

"Dad, please say something." Sloan asked, desperation seeping from her voice.

Mark avoided her eyes, "I- I, um..." Words escaped him. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to feel? What the hell was he supposed to do? "I'm going to get some air." He ran his hand through his hair as he walked towards the door. He turned around, his hand on the door knob, "I- um, they'll... er..."

Sloan understood, though he couldn't see her, she shook her head vigorously, sympathy shining in her eyes, "I'll make sure you meet them when they get here, I'll make sure you get a chance to say goodbye."

Mark nodded and opened the door, walking away from his daughter, walking away from his failure at fatherhood, walking away from his chance; he couldn't feel anything.

Mark sat silently in an on-call room, phone in hand, he didn't remember how he got there and he didn't know when he'd be ready to leave. All he knew, after he left his daughter's side, was that his feet were moving and somehow, by some sick twist of fate, his heart was still beating.

He still didn't feel a single thing, not a damn thing. That was probably the thing that terrified him the most. He should be doubled over in pain, his daughter found him unfit for parenting. He should be seething from anger, he couldn't get it together long enough to support another life, some semblance of a relationship. He should be wallowing in his own tears of disappointment, he had just lost his chance to prove he wasn't a complete and utter failure. Instead, he was numb.

He pressed a few buttons on his phone, he tried to concentrate all his will power on his fingers coordinating the necessary arrangement of numbers and letters. His concentration failed him after he pressed send. His thoughts fell straight back to the nothing he was feeling. He was lost in thought. He couldn't understand how he couldn't feel a thing. How was it possible?

A few minutes passed before there was a small knock at the door, Mark let out a gruff, "Come in."

Lexie stepped through the threshold, though her scrub top was now facing forward, her shoes were still mismatched. "I got, a..." She wrapped her arms tightly around her chest, "I was paged here." Lexie tried to read his face, tried to gage his emotions: was he hurting? Was he accepting? Had Sloan even told him yet? Her doe eyes were wide, searching his for something, anything.

Mark nodded, his eyes still empty, "I paged you."

Lexie's breath caught in her throat, she told him. Sloan told Mark and now he hated Lexie. He hated her and he had paged her to scream at her, yell at her for helping his daughter come to this conclusion. He was going to yell and scream and hate her, because she deserved it. Lexie shouldn't of meddled, she shouldn't of helped sway Sloan without at least telling her to talk to her father. No matter how right Lexie had been, no matter how right she still was, she didn't get to have an opinion. She lost that right when she had lost Mark.

Lexie squeezed her eyes shut, bracing herself for whatever hateful words came next. She could take it, there was nothing Mark could say that she hadn't already told herself. There was nothing he could call her that she hadn't already called herself. There was no way he could hurt her that she hadn't already inflicted upon herself. After all, she had given up on him; nothing could hurt worse than letting him walk away.

"Sloan's giving the baby to the parents she picked a couple months ago." He spoke calmly, with no sort of emotion, no sort of anger. He spoke as though he was discussing the weather, nothing out of the ordinary. Lexie opened her eyes.

Mark sat stoically on the bed opposite Lexie's current position. He shook his head, as if trying to process the day's occurrences, trying to understand, to comprehend his life.

Lexie's heart broke for the man across from her, he didn't deserve this, to be tortured so many times due to wrong choices and others leading him to misconceptions, "Mark," she stated softly, tears welling in her eyes. This was her fault. If only she had fought, if only she had accepted her role in his life, in Sloan's life. Somehow, someway this could be better. She should've made this better.

Mark stood up and met Lexie's sympathetic eyes straight on. They stood there for a few minutes, each staring at the other. Mark's eyes turned a shade darker, with a passion Lexie remembered so well. Her breathing became irregular.

Before she could speak again, he lifted his shirt above his head and crumpled it in his hands. Her mouth went dry. His sculpted stomach was just as she remembered it. Her fingertips tingled, itching to once again trace along the contours of his abdomen, just as she had done so many times before as they laid together in bed. She turned away, forcing her gaze towards the wall. She glanced at him briefly before turning her head back towards the wall.

"Mark-" The word came out strangled, as she tried to control her heartbeat, her breathing, her composure, "I don't think we should..." She turned her eyes towards his lusty glare. She couldn't finish her sentence. She didn't know if she had it in her to resist him.

He threw his ball of a shirt to the ground with a smirk, though he exuded confidence, he felt as though he would fall apart if she were to turn him down, again. "Come on," he said enticingly, taking small steps forward, towards her.

His smirk grew as she stayed in place, she wasn't backing away, she wasn't running, she was just staring. He could see the internal battle she was fighting, he could see he was pushing her too far. But he couldn't help it, he couldn't stop. "Am I really so bad?"

She wanted to laugh, he was quoting her. He was reminiscing, trying to get her to remember how they started. She wanted to let him charm her, she wanted to let him help her to remember, but she couldn't rid herself of the stabbing pain in her stomach. This wasn't Mark Sloan, this was a vulnerable man who just wanted to escape. If she went through with this, if she gave into him, she wasn't just risking her feelings, she was risking his as well. She would be taking advantage of him, she would be risking losing him for good. This could very well be the straw that would crumble their whole foundation.

She sighed, "Why?" She asked desperately, if he continued, if she let him continue, this would only end in disaster, they would end in disaster. "This isn't going to help you feel better. Tell me why, tell me why you want this."

He continued forward step by step, he didn't stutter, he didn't break to catch his thought, he spoke clearly and concisely, "Because right now, at this very second, I don't feel a single thing." He took another step forward, "I need to feel something." And then another, "I need to feel you." He stopped a mere foot away from where she stood, "When we were together, when we kissed today, it was the only time I've felt anything at all."

He stood right in front of her, his eyes locked on hers. She could feel the tickle of his breath on her lips, she couldn't hold out for much longer, she knew that.

"So, I'm going to ask you one more time," his smirk was gone now, but the intensity still radiated from his eyes, "Am I really so bad?"

All Lexie thought, as his blue eyes pierced her doe brown ones was that she shouldn't do this, he was vulnerable, he could regret it later on, he could hate her. She was taking advantage of him, his state. She was the reason he was at the point and she was going to abuse this moment, abuse his feelings. She shouldn't do this.

She shouldn't do this.

She took a deep breath and closed the gap between their bodies, her lips inching closer to his. She whispered softly, "No, I am." Before closing her eyes and pressing her mouth to his.

I figured, after Thursday's episode, we could all use a little McSlexie lovin'!

Reviews please!

P.s.- This story will be rated M as of next chapter, due to possibility :)

-CapriJoy:)