The Slave
Chapter 2- The Spirit Guide
The first days I could explore the room I was in. in reality, I explored the part of the room that was in my immobile visual field. There was a lamp in the ceiling that seemed like about to fall. On the right side of my bed there was a hook that in which a serum jar, which the nurse changed every day, hung. More to the right I could see a tube that contained a black blower that rose and fell at the rate that, now, I identified as "my breathing"
On the left side I saw a complicate device with various switches, spotlights and graphics. Then I found out I was in charge of controlling my breathing, the beatings of my heart and the nutrients that were given to me through a tube that went direct to my stomach. Behind the device there was a part of the window that was a torture for me. The light that came in each morning, hurt my pupils, it woke me up and always brought me back to the hell I was in. the physical pain was nothing compared to the pain caused by my own thoughts. The impotence, the guilt, the rancor, the fear and the impossibility to express my feelings, everything was in my mind and made me crazy.
Each day I prayed for not waking up again, for that machine that kept me alive stopped working and ended up with my suffering. Who gave those doctors the right to keep me here? What's the point in keeping me alive? I'm a damned plant incapable of move or express! Impotence seized me and turned into hatred. Hatred for those who kept me alive, hatred for life itself.
The nurse was right, it would have been better if I had died. And, however, everyday she came in with her face filled of fear to change the serum that fed me. Despite she thought I was unconscious, she never looked into my eyes. She hurriedly checked the tubes that went from my body to the device and went out the faster she could. Each time I saw her came in I pleaded her, in my mind, to forget about taking care of me. Didn't she realize she didn't make me any favors by keeping me alive?
"hey, please leave that" I pleaded her in my mind "if you're afraid of seeing me, don't come anymore, just let me die…"
But once and again I saw her make her routine and leave me here… alive. Once and again and again and again…
"Damn it, finish this! Please someone do something! I don't want to live anymore!"
"You'd better get used to it, because it seems you will be there for a while." I suddenly heard someone spoke to me
But… there was no one in the room
"What a TERRIBLE situation you got yourself into" the weird voice insisted
"Who are you? Are you an angel?" I replied afraid. In some way I realized the voice didn't come from the exterior.
"Ha! You were the worst of atheist and now you believe in the star spirits and the star court? You have to be kidding!"
"But… how can you know what I am thinking? Did I become insane?"
"That's more probable"
"Then, aren't you real?"
"Look… I can't tell you anything you don't know already. Maybe you will know who I am later"
"But… is Carla okay? "Why doesn't my father come to see me? When will I die? Is this a punishment?"
"What stubbornness, man! I don't know anything you don't know"
"Then you're not very useful"
"If you want I will leave"
"NO! Please, don't go"
In that moment I remembered Carla always said that every creature born in this world had a Spirit Guide to light them through the long, dark night, and one could only hear if meditating enough. I always thought that was a stupid myth.
"I also think it's a myth" the voice replied "but I like the guide thing"
Could maybe, a Spirit Guide be so rude and sarcastic?
"Listen… if you don't like me, I'm leaving and it's over"
"No, don't be mad, I just want to understand what's happening"
"You should have better tried to understand the stupid thing you did before the stupid situation you got yourself into"
"I just wanted to escape and be free of my problems"
"JA! You wanted to escape from your problems and became a slave"
"A slave?"
"That's it, you don't have a will of your own, you can't move or express yourself, you can't even take your life away if you wanted to"
"And you just came to make me feel worse" I answered him
"That I came? I have always been with you; the problem is that you never listened to me. Besides, no one can make you feel anything"
"What nonsense! How can nobody make me feel anything? My father always made me angry, my siblings made me feel less, my pairs constantly hurt me"
"Look, I'll explain you better… before being here, you were completely free, nothing and nobody had power over you. You had the chance to make anything you proposed yourself, you were the owner of your life"
"And what does that have to do with my feelings?"
"Calm down, what's your hurry? After all we have a lot of time to think and chat"
"I tell you are a sarcastic!"
"Let's continue. You were also free to think whatever you want and, therefore, to choose your feelings"
"How's that of choosing my feelings?"
"Yes, your feelings come and can only come from your thoughts, that's how it works: you think of something sad and become sad, you think in something that angers you and become angry, you think others can hurt you or disappoint you or make you feel bad but, no one can go into your mind and make you think nor feel anything. Even in this moment, the others can move your body and do what they please with it, even, they could turn off that machine that keeps you alive but, in your mind, you still have control.
"You said you couldn't say anything I didn't already know"
"Well, the only thing this proves, is that you're not as idiot as you thought you were"
"And here go the insult again"
"it's not an insult, in reality you thought yourself as an idiot, besides you thought yourself as a victim, always blaming the others and circumstances of what went wrong in your life"
"Well yes, my life hasn't been easy, besides with the kind of family I got and to end up, I had bad luck"
"Oh, poor of you! When you speak like that, I imagine you like a slave of your past, of other people's wishes, of circumstances and luck"
"What I supposedly had control over everything that happened? What I supposedly can control the others?"
"You hadn't control over what happened, but you had and have co0ntrol over what happens in your mind. You are the one who decides what thoughts have and how to react in any situation"
"Yes, like me, how couldn't I react on a positive way before the problems I had?"
"You had the option of seeing them as problems or obstacles to defeat, like a curse or a challenge. If it wasn't you who decided how to react, who was?"
"You are making me angry so, the only one to blame for everything that happens to me is me?"
"You're making you angry yourself; besides, it's not about blaming anyone. However, tell me… who moved your hand that time you hit Carla across the face? Who moved it when you served yourself a cup after another? Who placed in your mouth those pills that brought you here in the first place?"
I felt about to explode, I suppose that expressing our feelings serves as a escape valve and I couldn't even cry, I was furious for what my Guide told me and the worst, is that he was right in everything he told me.
Luckily, something else happened that caught my attention. The door opened and a Koopa nurse came in. this time it was not that cold female Koopa that usually changed the serum that fed me. She came closer to my bed and bowed to see me. I noticed a lot of sadness in her green eyes, her blonde hair constantly fell over her face and she pushed it behind her head with her fingers. The reminded me of my mother… she was staring at me for some seconds and I could read her name in the hospital's badge: Esperanza.
"Hi" she told me
"Hi Esperanza" I imagined to answer her
"Poor you, look how you are"
"Well, you see how life is" I kept with the conversation in my mind
She caressed my blue, combed-back Mohawk and told me:
"Don't worry; I will take care of you"
"Thanks a lot" I answered her
"She's much closer of being an angel than I" my Guide commented "besides she's pretty!"
She carefully changed the serum, fixed the cushions under my head and checked that the devices around me worked constantly
"See you tomorrow" she told me before going out
"See you tomorrow" I imagined to answer her
"See you tomorrow beauty!" my Guide yelled in my head