The Slave
Chapter 8- Love
The next day Carla came back to visit me and encountered with my father and siblings in my room. They hadn't seen each other since the day of the accident nor they knew about her pregnancy. I noted Carla was calmer, I could see in her face that yesterday's anger had turned into a deep sorrow. There in front of me, she explained my family what had happened that night:
"During the party, we had a strong argue, sire," she said directing to my father, "he had drunk a lot and was very bad. He got away for a few moments with his friend Edward and when they came back both acted like crazy. They had their stares lost and said incoherent things. They had decided to leave the party; I tried to stop them but could not. They go into Edward's car and took off screeching the wheels at high speed, I just stood there in the street seeing how they got far. When they reached the corner they ignored the red light…" she paused and kept staring at the floor trying to remember what she had seen. Wendy covered her mouth with the hand as if wanting to contain her weep. Iggy clenched his teeth and fists tightly and closed his eyes shut, trying to contain his tears and Carla continued:
"A charge truck crashed just in the driver's door, I think the driver had not even time to react, he hit them with so much force that the car span various times before remaining with the wheels looking up… I ran to where the car was and when I saw them, stuck between irons and glass, full of blood… I was sure that the two had died…"
"Well, and, what happened next? What did you do? Where did you go?" my father asked
"I don't remember well what happened… I remember that people began to gather around the car and pushed me to see what had happened. I began to walk getting away from the place, I was like sleeping, I walked for a long time without knowing anything about me. I don't even remember how I got home."
"But... Why didn't you call us? We were very worried about you. We don't know where you live, not your phone," Morton asked
"Excuse me, Morton… I was so scared. After what happened I fell into a strong depression and, trying to feel better, I went to live with an aunt away from here, convinced they had died."
"Well and, that baby you're expecting? It's…" Iggy was about to ask
"… It's his, Iggy, your brother's"
"but… he never commented us anything," Roy replied
"I didn't know it neither Roy, I was going to tell him in the party… but I couldn't."
"oh, sis!" Lemmy said and hugged her crying
Carla also hugged him looking at my father searching for his approval. My father placed his strong arms around her to show his support. They were like that for a few moments and then Carla commented:
"I came to the city to be examined and I found out he was here. That's why I came, just to find him like this…" she said as she looked at me with her eyes filled of tears
"Be strong, Carly…" Iggy replied, taking her by her hand and turning to see me also.
They kept commenting about what had happened and about the pregnancy. I then found out that she had five days left for the laying of the egg. I was surprised by the strength everyone had and u understood why my Guide had called me arrogant when I complained about what was happening.
"Inside all of us there's a great strength that allows us to keep going on from the worst situations," my Guide commented, "one and again we recover from the grief that causes us to lose what we love."
"However in those moments we think that the world is ending and we won't have the enough strength to resist the pain," I answered him
"in those moments we must try to remember that we have survived hard situations, we must make an effort to understand that it pains us so much, because we're sentient and loving beings: that if we didn't care about anything, it wouldn't pain us but we would lose the biggest enjoyment that exists: love others."
"thinking about it calmed," I interrupted, "love others is a courage act. We love despite knowing that we will irremediably lose what we love, despite knowing that everything can end, without a guaranty of receiving something in return.
"You don't need to receive anything in exchange of love you give because loving others is a gift you give to yourself."
"And then, why is love always surrounded of so much suffering?"
"Because that thing that most people call love, is not. What makes you suffer is selfishness and arrogance."
"Please explain it to me," I asked him
"People that says that suffers for love in reality is suffering for believing that the loved person has to do what he wants and that's arrogant. The people suffer because they believe that their loved one must satisfy their need, that's selfish. That what most people call love is more like a merchant contract that says: I agree to love you as long as you are how I like and you do what I say. In reality, love is free, it doesn't demand, it's doesn't' want to change the other, it's not possessive, it's not conditioned."
"It's a contradiction for us to be strong and to suffer so much."
"Many people is used to suffer and being unhappy. So used that they make unhappiness part of their identity and their personality, that's why is so hard for them to be fine. That's why they focus on the negative and forget about the blessings they daily receive."
"What it's supposed that must not hurt us?"
"The grief is not the same thing as the suffering. Grief is part of the life and comes from losing what we love. Suffering comes from not accepting what happens, of the idea of what could be different, of thinking that things must be done your way."
"But then, are we responsible of our lives or not? On one side you tell me we have the power to make our life what we want and on the other you tell me we must accept everything that happens."
"You're responsible of your life, not of life itself. One more contradiction: you don't have power in absolute and you have all the power you need."
"I think I understand you. Is like my condition in this moment. I can't do anything to change what's happening and, however, in the moment I accepted it I stopped suffering. What seemed me a punishment a few days ago, now seems to me like a blessing, the chance to be a few more moments with my loved beings and participate in their lives. A few days ago I wanted my life to end and no I ask to hold on for the three days left so that I may meet my baby."
"Nothing has changed in the outside, only your attitude before what's happening. That's the great power the living beings have: the capacity of deciding how to react before what life resents to you. If you can't control what happens around you, you can decide how to interpret it and what attitude you will have. You're responsible of what you think, of the decisions you take, of how you want to see and live.
"Besides, I'm only responsible of me and no one else."
"That is. What can fill your life of suffering and frustration the most is to believe that you're responsible of what the others feels, think or do. Everyone is ready to fill itself with the guilt, the grief and the suffering of others, as if that helped in something. To believe that someone depends on you to be happy or being fine is very arrogant, is a useless burden and too heavy. Each one has the responsibility of its own life.
I was so concentrated in this chat inside my head, that I didn't even realize that my father and siblings had gone out and that Carla had stayed in the room alone with me. She placed a chair next to my bed, took my hand and began to cry silently as she posed her look in my face. Then she turned towards the door to make sure it as closed, she got closed to me as if she were to tell me a secret and told me in low voice:
"Hi, my love, I miss you very much…" the weeping unallowed her to keep talking. The placed her arm over my chest and sank her head in the pillow next to mine, I could feel her tears rolling down my cheeks and her perfume brought me hundreds of memories of our moments together.
What urgency to caress her hair with my hands, of drying her tears with my kisses and tell her that I missed her a lot too, that it was for her that I was still here. How I wanted to express her how much I loved her and ask her forgiveness for the bad moments I made her go through!"
The kept like that for a few moments more and then lifted her head to see me. It surprised me that she cried and smiled at the time, showing that strength my Guide and I had talked about.
"Did you see my big belly, my life?" she told me in a joking tone taking a hand to her belly and caressing it, "it's your baby… it will be born soon," she thought for a moment and then continued, "this child is a product of our love, I know our relationship wasn't perfect but I always had the security that you loved me," she kept talking to me passing from the cry to the laugh in a unexplainable mix of happiness and sadness.
"I love you deeply, if I treated you bad it's because I answered to the wrong beliefs," I imagined answering her, "thanks for being here despite everything."
"Oh Larry, what's going to happen with us?" she expressed letting out a sigh
"Happens what happens, everything will be fine, you will see," I replied to her in my mind, with the security that gave me to know we have the strength to face the challenges of life, hard as they are.