The Slave
Chapter 11- Imaginary Letters
At that moment the door suddenly opened and the nurse that was now my executer came in. she closed the door carefully not to make noise, turned off the next of the switches and hurriedly went out of the room making sure nobody saw her. I was a little grieved when I noted the rhythm of my breathing, I felt dizzy and my vision was darkened for a few moments. Little by little my body was getting used to the less oxygen, the dizziness decreased and only the tiredness remained. I didn't feel any fear, or anger, however, a deep sorrow invaded me.
"that sorrow comes from guilt and resentment," my Guide suggested, "take advantage of this moment to forgive and, more important… to forgive yourself."
I immediately admitted that he was right and y began to imagine that I wrote various letters for the important people in my life. I first started with my father and siblings
Dear father and siblings:
I write you this letter in the moment of my death to say good bye and to thank all the blessings you filled my life with. Now understand that all you did for me, you did it for love. That despite all the mistakes I committed and of the bad moments I made you pass because of my ignorance, you were always willing to help me. I realize that you always acted with the best intentions and did the best you could.
I now understand that you also had stories of joys and sorrows, that you too had wounds and fears like us and that you acted always according to what you believed it was the best for everyone. I want to ask for your forgiveness for blaming you of what went wrong in my life and I admit in this moment that I was the only one responsible of my acts. I was free to choose my fate and my own actions brought me to the situation I find myself into.
I want to ask for your forgiveness for judging you and centering many times on your weaknesses and defects, I now know that I had no right to do it, as no one knows what's to be in your shoes and I now understand that is a mistake to try to change others and that we can accept them as they are.
I hope you understand one day, that I feel proud to have been part of this family and if I had been given the chance of choosing my family, I would have chosen you. I feel sad because of the pain I've caused. I'm sure your love will give you strength to go on ahead from this situation and of all hard situations life presents you. Dad, Ludwig, Lemmy, Roy, Iggy, Wendy, Morton, Bowsy… thanks a lot for your love and your cares. Thanks for your patience and your teachings. Dad, thanks for giving me life and, my siblings, thanks for helping me survive.
I love you
Larry
When I finished writing this letter in my imagination, I felt as if I had left behind a weight I had carried for a lot of time. A weight I gripped to and made my journey through life slow and annoying. I continued imagining that I wrote a letter to my baby that I didn't meet.
Dear little son or daughter:
While you wait to see the light for the first time, at the same time, my life's light is slowly putting out. It surprises me that even without meeting you, without having seen you once, the simple fact of knowing of your existence, filled my life's last moments with illusion and joy.
I can't explain how is that, despite having never held you in my arms; I feel a deep love for you. Surely because you represent for me and for everyone, the hope of a better world, or because you are the proof of someone up there, still trusts that we can make better our life and we deserve the chance to be happy. Don't allow my death to become a mark in your life. Always think that I took my decisions and had to face the consequences of my acts, that you are a new being and it's not up to you suffer for the mistakes I committed.
Don't allow anyone to try to convert my death into a tragedy, because it isn't. We all have to die soon or later and always leaving lots of possibilities of what we could have done. Because "what w could have done" doesn't exist, only what we do exists. Don't allow that the fact of not having a father affects you too much neither, we all can accept reality, if we don't grip o what could have been. Because the "what could have been" doesn't exist, only what IS.
Open your heart to receive the love of your mother and of all those who surround you. If you do you will realize that you will need neither my love nor my presence. There will be enough love for you even after I'm gone. Give the world the great gift that is your love and your way of being, don't allow fear to prevent you from doing what you want to do, trust that you're a miracle and life wants to take care of you like its take care of all of its children.
I love you
Your dad
Then I imagined to write a letter to Carla that said:
Dear Carla:
Today I realize that I spent a great part of my life living in the future, filling myself with fear of what could happen and imagining what should be. Living like this, I ruined, many times, the precious moments we spent together. Most people looks their life to the future, making plans and imagining what will happen and what they want to achieve. Me, I only have left to look into the past and from here, from my death letch, everything seems so different.
From this point of view, things of my life take their true value. From here, I realize that the important in life is not the achievements, neither is to accumulate riches nor knowledge, not to prove the world our value; what is really important is to be with the beings we love, the kisses, the hugs, the caresses, the laughs, the sharing, the love for others; that's what we must accumulate.
I know I made you pass through bad moments when I insisted in wanting to change you, without realizing I had no right of doing it, because I didn't own you. I hope you understand that my faults didn't have their origin in evil, but in ignorance, in fear of being hurt, in a wrong feeling of not deserving your love and the fear of giving myself to you. I ask your forgiveness for my mistakes and today I free you from my exigencies and my reclaims. It was never your responsibility to satisfy my needs as you were never responsible of my happiness
There's nothing left in my heart that is not the joy of having met you, the gratefulness of the happy moments and the love I feel for you.
I love you
Larry
At last, I imagined writing the letter that I thought was the most important of all, that was directed to myself.
Dear friend:
I call myself friend because that's that I want to be with myself right now. For a long time I was my worst enemy, in fact, I was my only enemy. It was me who allowed fear to domain my life. It was me who gripped to the pains of the past to fill my present of suffering. It was my own voice my head listened to and that convinced me not to deserve the goo things and made me feel less than the rest.
It was myself that filled me with insecurities and doubts, of resentments and jealously. It was I who judged and criticized me in everything I did. I myself affected my health and welfare and I myself was the responsible of all problems in my life. The solution and all the answers where in me. I myself was the accused, the judge and the executioner of my own life. I myself said the verdict and I myself imposed the punishments.
And, however… today I forgive myself for everything, because I realize that I always did the best I could. I understand that I was a sentient and vulnerable being like all living beings are and experiences in my life molded my personality. Today I reject the guilt I feel for my mistakes as it doesn't help in anything and doesn't solve anything. I learned too late, that I was capable of changing my life despite my wounds and the situations that surrounded me. Late I understood that I was my own master, that my thoughts molded my existence, that I was not a slave of the circumstances and that the power to be better, to change and to live in harmony was in me.
Now I can see that my life was wonderful despite the losses and wounds that we all share. I thank the chance I had to see, to hear, to feel, to taste, the chance to share my life with others and the chance to love others. Today I get rid of old resentments towards others and towards myself.
Today I break the chains I tied myself with.
Today I free myself from the fear and guilt
Today I forgive myself for all my mistakes
Today I admit that no one has control over my thoughts
Today I admit that no one has control over my feelings
Today I declare myself free from all my wounds
Today is a good day to die.
I love me
The most important person in my life
When I finished redacting these letters in m mind, I felt freed. Even when I knew I would not have the chance to write them nor to give them to their respective destinataries.
"the decision to leave behind the guilt and resentment is something that has to do with you and not as much with everyone else," my Guide commented, "when you decide to forgive, it's you who gets free and gets rid of the heavy burden of rancor. Many people lives carrying a sack in the back. A sack full of offenses from the past, of guilts, of resentments, of wounds, of failed loves, of disillusions, of broken hearts, of infidelities, of miseries…"
"Many say that we all have a cross to carry," I interrupted him
"Where did they get that idea? They themselves placed the cross in tow gripping to the past and is theirs' the decision to leave it the moment they want. Nobody has asked them to suffer."
"They say you must pay what you receive,"
"That's worse! And who do you have to pay it to? Besides, do you have to pay it with your suffering? They forget that life is generous with their children and the love they receive is unconditional, that it is given to them without expecting anything in return. As well as they receive everything plants, the animals and creatures of the world need.