Sorrow Still Remains

It was dark, always dark…always cold, bone-chilling, numbing cold…and rain, like needles of ice, driving him to the ground, he tried to get up, he knew he always tried to get up, but he was powerless, his limbs were frozen, his mind was clouded, he was lost…he was soaking wet, and he knew they weren't going to get to him in time…then they saw him, but it was too late, the glassy green eyes stared sightless, lifeless into the endless night

"No!"

He heard the cry, was that him? Then he felt the soft hands shaking him awake.

"Are you okay?"

Was he? And who was she? He shivered, his body was bathed in cold sweat, the bedclothes damp against his skin/

"That must have been some nightmare Tony."

He struggled to sit up…she had no idea. It was the same nightmare every time, and every time they were too late, Tim was lying exactly as they had found him that freezing day, but in his dreams they never found him alive…he always saw those eyes wide open and staring, not a hint of movement as the rain beat down on Tim's face…he was haunted by Tim's eyes, by the constant reminder that it was his fault Tim was gone, and that if Tim had died that day, his death would be on his conscience for ever.

"Hey, Tony…you with me?"

He gave the lovely young woman sharing his bed his full attention. What was her name? Candy…no, Mandy…no, Brandy! That was it.

"Yeah…I'm okay…bad dream, that's all. Look, I have to get to work early, the room's booked until noon, so take your time getting up, you might want to give that whirlpool tub another go."

She put her arms around his neck and attempted to kiss him.

"It's not much fun on my own, much better with two…"

Tony unwrapped her arms and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Sound great, but I can't afford to be late for work, my boss has been in a bad mood for weeks, I don't need to give him a stick to beat me with."

He grabbed his clothes from the floor of yet another anonymous hotel room. He didn't even take them home any more, didn't want them to know where he lived…not that he knew them for long, but he could usually remember their names. This has to stop DiNozzo, trying to bury the guilt by sleeping with every woman in DC was obviously not working, perhaps it was time to listen to Ducky, see a therapist…maybe then he could get a full night's sleep.

Forty minutes later he was showered and changed, and the trademark DiNozzo air of nonchalance was back in place, at least to the outside world. It was only those who knew him really well who could see that the smile was more forced than usual, that the wisecracks were fewer and further between. But if you didn't look too closely the man who stepped into Abby's lab that morning was the same Anthony DiNozzo who had walked through that door innumerable times before.

Abby was already there, and was changing the Post-It note beneath the picture of Tim. The number now read 54, and the picture, that wasn't the same picture.

"Hey Abs! I bring Caf-Pow."

"Thanks Tony, do you like the new picture? Tim emailed it yesterday."

Tim was standing on the beach, laughing at whoever was holding the camera, the remains of a picnic were laid out on a rug at his feet, and he looked…carefree…

Abby was staring wistfully at the picture.

"He looks happy, don't you think Tony? I'm glad, I am, but…I wish he missed us a little more, missed home..."

"Maybe this doesn't feel like home to him any longer Abs."

She turned and administered a gentle head slap.

"Wash out your mouth! He won't stay, he's enjoying the cool toys; and they are a neat bunch out there, but he'll come home…he has to."

"You're right Abs, he'll come home. Now, I'd better get upstairs or I'm likely to get a much harder slap from Gibbs!"

Abby waved him out of the door, and put the Caf-Pow in the refrigerator. As she closed the door she couldn't help smiling at Tim's picture, but it was a smile tinged with sadness. Already his daily emails had dwindled to one every other day…he was really busy he said, lots to learn, new city to discover, new people to meet, but he looked forward to hearing from her, keeping up with the 'old team', and that's what he called them now, like something from his past, not the here and now.

She had been fully prepared for Tim to fall in love with the toys out in LA, who wouldn't? They were super cool! But what had surprised her was how quickly he had settled in with the people out there. His emails were full of the LA team; how Nate was helping him to deal with the nightmares, so much so that they were almost non-existent now, he slept right through almost every night. Callen and Sam were teaching him so much about operating undercover, he was even picking up a few Arabic words…never knew when they might come in useful. Eric and Kensi had given him the guided tour of the city, showed him the best places to shop, eat, drink…even party. Abby still couldn't quite see her Tim as a party animal, but that was just it, he wasn't her Tim any more…

"Good of you to join us DiNozzo!"

"I went down to see Abby…won't happen again Boss."

Tony got to work at his desk, receiving a sympathetic glance from Ziva as he passed her desk. Gibbs had never been the most tolerant of bosses, but since Tim had gone, since the team had been on probation, he had been like a bear with…Ziva tried to bring the analogy to mind, but really it didn't matter, they seemed to walking on eggshells the whole time. She wished the phone would ring, that they'd have a new case, because the only way things felt even vaguely 'normal' was if they were working, out in the field, at a crime scene, then for a short while they could almost pretend that it was like old times.

Tony had told her how difficult things had been when she had been in Somalia, but, with her Mossad training she should have been well able to deal with this change in her working environment…it had been her life for most of her life…why were things different now? She knew why…she had allowed herself to care…to become part of something, something special, and then she had become part of the reason for ruining that special thing, she had stood aside and let Tim feel that he no one to turn to…and for that she would never forgive herself.

Gibbs stared at the phone…why didn't it ring? They needed a case, something to keep busy; he checked his emails again and smiled. Tim would never believe how often he checked his emails, but it was another way of keeping busy, of filling the hours…and if he was honest, while he was looking at the computer screen, he wasn't looking around the squad room…at Tim's desk, and it was still Tim's desk.

The TAD was a good man. Simon Delaney; from the San Diego office, happily married, with two young children, looking forward to a visit from them this weekend, as he would tell anyone who listened. He loved his family very much, was good at his job, Gibbs had to acknowledge that, he was very good. But he wasn't Tim McGee.

The phone rang and Gibbs grabbed it and barked out his name. He smiled as he listened to the message from dispatch, no one was dead, but a large cache of drugs had been discovered in an empty house on Navy property at Norfolk…something to do at last.

"Grab your gear, Delaney, gas the truck; we're going to Norfolk!"

The team headed briskly for the elevator, all of them delighted to be busy. Leon Vance was on his way to MTAC when he heard Gibbs call his team. He was pleased to see Gibbs giving Delaney something to do, even if it was only gassing the truck, like it or not this was his team now. They all had to come to come to terms with the consequences of McGee's momentous decision. The LA team was delighted with their latest recruit, and Vance was delighted to see a valuable NCIS asset still with the Agency, of course his ears had only just stopped burning from the roasting he had received from Hetty when she saw McGee.

"I thought you had sent us a ghost! It's a good job you sent him out here Leon! How on earth could you have let this happen? He looked half-starved, and so pale. He would have wasted away in DC, you have been neglectful, don't let it happen again!"

She was right too, for all he had disciplined Gibbs and his team, the final responsibility for this agency and its employees rested with him as Director, and although he couldn't be expected to know everything about everyone, he saw Gibbs and his team every day; he admired McGee, used him as an example of how he would like his agents to be. So how could he let things get so bad that McGee was ready to walk away? Hetty was right, they didn't deserve McGee; maybe he was better off in LA.

It was late by the time they got back to headquarters, evidence gathering, interviewing potential suspects, witnesses, then reports to be written; the day was almost done, and the team members were grateful when Gibbs told them to call it a day. They headed for the exit and the parking lot, all except one.

As the elevator made its way down Tony hoped that his journey would not be in vain. He walked into Autopsy, cast a quick glance around the room, good; Jimmy wasn't here.

"Good evening Anthony. What brings you down here at this late hour?"

"Hi Ducky…Ducky you know you said your door was always open?"