A gift from death chapter two

Disclaimer, I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters L

Authors Notes… This is my first time writing on here and I think I made a mistake when selecting my characters. This story will not just be about Dean and Lisa but will be involving a lot of the other guys from the show. I will try and make it clear when writing each chapter who's P.O.V it is from.

Dean

It was three in the morning, and after hours of tossing and turning I decided to get a breath of fresh air, maybe see if I could clear my head. I picked up the blanket off the bed I had been using for the last six months and went outside. Lisa was kind enough to let me use her spare room all this time. I think maybe she wanted more from me and six months ago I would have been more then happy to give her it. But right now all I can think about is everything I have lost.

I took a seat on the bench in Lisa's beautifully manicured back yard and just stared at the sky. I had always loved the night and star gazing had always made me feel better, well it did in the past. Now I just felt lost and so very alone. I wished for the days when Sammy and I would just drive through the night and randomly pull of the road in the middle of nowhere. On some dark deserted stretch of road and climb up on the hood of the Impala, and just sit in peace, maybe have a beer and enjoy the night together.

I missed the road and I missed the freedom my life used to provide me, nobody and nothing to worry about except me and Sam… Hell I even missed the hunt, but most of all I missed my baby brother.

I hated to admit it even to myself but Lisa was right, Sammy would be majorly pissed to see the way I was fucking things up. All he ever wanted for himself and me was a normal life. And here I am I have everything he had ever dreamed of for us both and I was doing my best to screw it up. I was drinking way too much, I was doing it to numb the constant pain I felt every time I thought about Sammy and he was on my mind almost every moment of the day. So that equals a hell of a lot of beer or what ever I can get my hands on, and it really does not help. The minute the buzz from the alcohol wears off the pain comes back ten times worse. And my idea of raising a kid, Jesus how screwed up is that. I really don't blame Lisa for being mad. How did I plan our day oh yes tossing a baseball around in the park in the morning, then fishing in the afternoon and if the day wasn't good enough for the kid how about I let him play with my loaded gun. What screwed up man lets a child play with a gun…? My dad that's who, I loved my dad and I know he did his best for me and Sammy but I am not him and Ben deserves better.

"I'm trying Sammy, but it's just too damn hard without you"

I said looking up in to the sky. I know Sam wasn't up there he was somewhere else, somewhere that didn't bare thinking about. Not if I didn't want to go totally insane that is.

"Tell me what I am supposed to do, I am so lost here….Please" I shouted up into the heavens as my legs buckled under me and I fell to the floor tears streaming down my face unchecked.

I had done this time and again, I had begged to whom ever was out there to show me the way and what to do with the rest of my life. But it never got me anywhere; I don't think I even ever expected an answer. Now I was of no use to anyone, just a used up broken shell of the man I was who would bother. And even though I had friends in some very high and low places none could or would help me.

"Cass, Cass I am begging you this time answer me you son of a bitch… Please Cass I need you." I sobbed into the night, the old Dean would be ashamed of the way I am now. But hey like I give a shit.

I didn't expect an answer; I hadn't seen or heard anything from my so called guardian angel since that night in my car. I know he was trying to bring some sort of order back to heaven and I know I am being a selfish jerk to expect my problems to come before his. But I never claimed to be a saint and I just kind of feel he abandoned me. And any way I think I have every right to bitch and moan. I lost everything that night.

"Dean I am sorry I haven't come to you before now." A voice said behind me. To say I nearly crapped my pants would be an understatement. I should be used to him just popping up behind me at will. But I guess I am out of practice, it has been six months.

"Cass am I glad to see your sorry ass." I told him as I gave a very uncomfortable angel a hug.

And I really was glad to see him. I needed to see someone that had been there when things had gone as badly as they could have. I needed to be with someone that really knew how things had gone down. How I lost my baby brother the hero, it's just a pity the world would never know what Sammy had sacrificed so they could go on with their shitty little lives.

"Dean I am happy to see you again to, it has been to long." He told me as he gently patted my back telling me subtly that our hug fest was over.

"I heard your calls Dean, but this is the first time I could return. It's harder then I ever thought it would be to bring order back to heaven. But I really feel sorry for leaving you alone all this time."

"I take it that god hasn't returned to clean up his own mess, and dish out spankings to all his naughty kids. I think trying to put an end to the human race deserves one; well it does in my book. And it would from any decent father in my opinion."

Maybe I ranted a bit too much because Cass looked slightly pissed. But I don't know whether it was aimed at me or his own dead beat dad.

"No Dean my father has not returned to heaven, and I am concerned what will happen if he doesn't soon. It is total anarchy up there."

Well I wasn't going to loose any sleep over it, what more could those angel douche bags do to me? I had already lost everything.

"Cass can I ask you something?"

I don't even know why I was bothering to voice my question allowed, he must have heard it a million times during my many emotional outbursts over the past few months.

"You can ask me anything Dean and I will do everything within my power to answer it."

"Why am I still here? My Mom, Dad and now Sammy are gone; we all fought the same fight all our lives and they all died trying. Why am I different? Why did I have to be left here all alone? Did I not fight hard enough?"

Cass put a gentle hand on my shoulder and looked thoughtfully up to the heavens.

"I am sorry Dean but I do not know…But our lord must have his reasons."

I couldn't help my involuntary eye roll. Obviously when Cass's powers were returned to him so was his unwavering belief that everything his father did was right. I used to be like that myself; I believed everything the late great John Winchester did was for the greater good. No matter how bad it was, even when he pushed Sammy away I believed he did it for a good reason. Didn't Cass remember that God had thought that the end of the world was not his problem? That he had already helped enough by putting Sammy and I on that plane and resurrecting him.

"God didn't save my ass Cass you did. He couldn't have cared less if I had lived or died… Hell he didn't give a shit that the whole human race was going to be wiped out."

"Yes I know that Dean, but answer me this. If god didn't want you alive then why did he bring me back? You should be grateful and not question his reasons. He saved Bobby, you and I for a reason and be sure of one thing I will find out what this reason is."

"What ever the reason Cass I am done… Do you hear me you son of a bitch, no more I am out. Find your self some other poor sap to do your dirty work. I did everything to rid the world of every evil son of a bitch for you and what did I get in return? You took everything from me and left me here alone."

I sank to the floor once more and hid my head in my hands as the tears flowed freely down my already tear stained face.

"Dean?"

Cass said as he knelt beside me and put his arm around the small of my back as a sign of comfort. I could tell that he didn't know how to deal with my emotional human outbursts. But I just didn't have the strength to make the situation easier for him to cope with.

"Cass you should have let me die, I don't want to be here without Sammy. I just don't know what to do without him."

"Dean, Samuel would want you to live your life… He would want you to be happy. And you are not alone nor will you ever be, you have Lisa and Ben, Bobby and me. And I know that it isn't the same but we are all here for you."

I knew he was right; Lisa had done her best to help me. She had let me into her life and her home. She had supported me all these months and all I had done in return was push her away. I really had been a selfish ass. And Bobby had called to ask me how I was two or three times a week since Sam had been gone. And I knew how hard that must have been for him, Bobby is not the most sympathetic man. Hell none of us where. Hunters have to be tough; you have to be when you have seen all the scary shit that's out there. Bobby was out on the road hunting every supernatural thing he came across. And I know that he was doing it to help him get through the days without Sam, He had always been like a father to us both. So I guess it's as hard on him as it is on me. God I have been so wrapped up in my own grief that I haven't been able to see just what a selfish jerk I have been. I can see it now so first ting tomorrow I am going to give Bobby a call, just to say hi.

"Dean I must go now but I will be back as soon as I can." Cass said as he gave my shoulder one final squeeze and disappeared into the breaking dawn.

"Thanks Cass and don't leave it so long next time" I said knowing he would have heard me.

"Things are going to change now, I am going to try harder" I told myself as I walked house. Starting with making everyone breakfast.

TBC