MY SO CALLED LIFE

Three years ago

Call me strange, but I have always held certain resentment towards summer vacation. For the last five years I've been forced to spend those twenty weeks with a man who was practically a stranger to me despite our blood relation. For those last three years however I have had to face my father alone. After my sister's accident she could not accompany me any longer. My mother hated sending me across the globe against my will just to see my father but in another light, it was the only time out of the whole year I saw him. I think the real reason she hated it was because I had to spend my summer in another country's winter season. But I truly didn't mind that; I just minded my father.

Finally this year however, my mother let me choose if I wanted to go see him or not. I went anyways. I don't really know why either, I suppose it was the good angel on my shoulder saying I should fulfill my daughterly duties and just suck it up. This fall I would be in college and by next summer I would be living on my own in an apartment. In short this means I won't have to give my dad the time of day after today, my last day of summer vacation. I had been bored out my mind in Sydney and was anxious to breathe, feel, and taste the Los Angeles air again. I think I was most excited to see my mom.

"You know you don't have to go right? I can call him right now and tell him to shove it," my mom said as she sat on my bed with her arms crossed. I laughed at her.

"I would love to be here for that conversation. But really it's okay. I'm going to go, it's the last summer I will ever have to deal with him anyways," I said.

"I just don't want you to suffer," she said.

"Well on the plus side - I'll be spending eight weeks in the sunshine, walking on beaches, staring at good looking-guys with hot accents. Oh the agony, how will I ever manage?" I said, playfully hitting my mom with a tee shirt, then folding it to pack into my suitcase.

"I just hate that you have to be so far away," she said. "I wish you could be close so if anything happened you could just hop on a bus and be home in a few hours."

"Yeah I can't do that when I'm all the way down-unda in Australia can I?" I said.

My mom shook her head and looked away as she said,

"Well, if I can't get you to stay then I guess I should help you pack so you won't be late. You could just always miss your flight you know."

"Mom, stop. I'll be fine, really" I said.

"Oh can't forget these" she said, walking briskly over to my vanity and removing a jacket that had been lazily tossed over it. Revealed were my four precious seasons of my all-time favorite show LOST. I gasped in surprise and said,

"I can't believe I almost forgot these."

"Good thing I spotted them," she said.

"Yeah," I said with a sigh.

"What's up kid?" she said.

"I just," I began. "I don't know. It just seemed so much easier doing this with Natalie. And every year I think I'll be alright without her but…I mean look at me, I'm relying on a TV series to help me get by."

"That's it, you're not going," my mother said.

"No!" I said. "It's just the same hesitations I have every year. I'll be fine, I promise. Besides," I said grabbing my necklace and holding it dearly. "I've got lucky Ankh to get my through the summer. And you're just a phone call again."

"Come here kid," she said, pulling me into a full body hug. God she gives the best hugs. "My baby girl all grown up. In a few months USC better watch out, Miss Sarah Hager is coming to learn!"

"Mom," I groaned.

"What? I can't gloat on my own daughter?" she asked.

"You know I feel weird about starting college so late," I said.

"Late?" she said shaking her head in disbelief. "You're only 21."

"It still feels weird. I haven't sit in a classroom in over five years," I said.

"It's never too late to do something," she said. "You have what it takes Sarah. You've waited long enough until you've felt comfortable and now you're there. So what if you're a 21 year old freshman in college? There's no age limit to a good education."

"I'm soon to be 22 might I remind you," I said, trying to change the subject.

"No, you don't need to remind me! I feel older everyday as it is," she said.

Her smile faded and she walked over to me, brushing my hair with her fingers as she said,

"I know you miss Natalie, and nothing can replace that sister bond but just remember this…"

"What?" I said.

"I love you," she said. I playfully slapped her hand away.

"Aw you're so nerdy," I teased.

"Seriously," she said. I sighed heavily and hugged her.

"I know," I said. "I love you too."

That was the last time I talked to my mom since coming out to be with my father and his new wife. It's sad to say, but I think I will miss the beach and ocean water more than my dad. I guess one can't really understand until you meet the man. He has no regard for me nor does he wish to, even if he does make sure I am sent to his doorstep via Priority mail every May and sent back home with a pat on the head every August. It is all just for show. Leaving your wife and child for an attractive woman half your age just would not settle right among most of his working colleagues, especially his boss – a loyal husband of forty years with four offspring and twice as many grandchildren to account for. I'm to be there every summer for my father to fill the missing puzzle piece in his new family portrait. For example, it never fails that on his birthday June 19, I am dragged into his place of employment just to be paraded about only to leave early to share some "father daughter time" – or as my father tells his secretary, "We're playing hooky, don't tell the boss man." I can see him now winking down to her, making her giggle like a damn schoolgirl. It was disgusting. And yet I continued to do it. I guess it got to be routine for me. A couple of weeks of fake smiling in exchange for several weeks of solitude and miles of beach did not seem too bad to me. I had all the beach I would ever want and massive quality writing and drawing time. The sky was my canvass and the beach was my companion – that was all I had ever needed during the summer. By the end of my vacation however I had grown tired of the endless routine and I truly was glad to be returning home.

The hustle and bustle of the airport was beginning to eat into my subconscious and naturally I began to get a headache. I can hear my mom now, "It's all in your head, you don't have a headache just keep saying it to yourself and it will go away." Okay mom here I go, I don't have a headache. I don't have a headache.

The airport seems especially busy this morning as I stood waiting in line to go through security. God I hope I don't miss my flight, could this line move just a little faster please? I don't have headache, I don't have a headache. I wanted to be in LA as soon as possible and moving at the speed of stupid was testing my patience. At least the weather is nice outside, definitely no chance of delayed flights today. I hope Amanda remembers to pick me up at LAX. I took my cell phone out and quickly typed.

U better not sleep thru your alarm ur picking me up at 7am.

Sent.
I waited for a reply. Do you ever get the feeling that you are being watched? I looked down and met the beady eyes of a young child staring back at me while they hung on to their parent's leg. I made a face to him and he sneered back. What a brat. I don't have a headache, I don't have a headache. My phone buzzed in my hand.

U think I would forget? I haven't seen you in 8wks im dying 2 gossip.

I was about to get smart with her and leave some snoody reply when I realized she was probably getting ready for bed right now. Just last summer she had stayed up half the night talking to her boyfriend via AIM. She forgot to set her alarm and I sat at LAX for four hours waiting - with no money in my pocket and a dead cell phone; how convenient right? So instead I wrote.

u better not, sleep tight!

I put my phone away and looked up. Oh great the line moved up five feet, what a feat. With at least ten security lanes you think the line would move faster. Again my phone vibrated in my pocket, I dug it out – it was from Amanda.

Don't let the bedbugs bite! Im going to bed now and am off aim, don't fret bf ill be there.

After another long haul, a female security guard motioned her hand towards me. A smile fell across my face; thank you my turn has finally come. I threw my bag on the conveyer belt and quickly stepped out of my flip-flops and sent them through the dark traveling hole. I walked through the metal detector and passed with flying colors; I had this routine down to a tee. I quickly grabbed my belongings and booked it as fast as my short legs would allow all the way to my gate.
…..

Gate 19, gate 21...alas gate 23, departing to LAX, estimated arrival time, 7:00am. One step closer to home baby. I looked around the waiting area - full house. My stinging feet were yelling at me now and my calves burned. We'll be sitting for 14 hours, you can stand for a little longer, I told them. A tinge suddenly erupted in my lower back; okay I get it, I'll sit down for a bit. I fell back against a wall and sunk into the floor. I looked out the spacious window and met the airplane staring back at me. It's so cool how that huge chunk of metal and gas can transport numerous bodies in a matter of hours.
The intercom interrupted my thought.

"Delta flight 815 is now boarding rows 42 through 23..."

My forehead wrinkled in confusion. I politely tapped the shoulder of the woman sitting next to me.

"Hi I'm sorry but have they already seated first class?" I asked. The best thing about flying to and from my dad's was sitting in first class. I personally could care less, but hey, "appearing wealthy will get you places" - he would tell me. And it sure makes the long trek back home more comfortable.

"Sure did, about ten minutes ago I would say," the woman said smiling.

"Great thank you," I said as I looked away and huffed. I didn't think I was that late. To me, being on time is being late. I guess I could just mingle on board with the rest of the crowd. I grabbed my bag and went to stand in line with the countless others. Awesome…another slow moving line, just what my already dwindling patience asked for.

I stared straight ahead and my eyes focused on the person's jacket in front of me. A large blue fuzz stood out against the brown leather jacket they wore. I quietly reached up to pluck it off. I did so and smiled to myself, all better. The person turned around and faced me. Apparently I had plucked too hard. I began to explain,

"Sorry you had a huge fuzz on your jacket, I was just…" I began, but my mouth stopped short. I was trying to find the words to finish the sentence but my mind suddenly went blank. All except for two words - a name actually. Michelle Rodriguez. She looked down to my hand and must have noticed the fuzz lying outstretched on my palm.

"Thanks," she said coolly. She turned back around and took a step forward – noticeably furthering the distance between us.

I've never actually seen a known actor on one of my flights before. I've seen Robert Downing Jr. from across the street in downtown LA, but this was not eight inches from my face. God I wish I a season of LOST in my bag so I could make her sign it, but those were carefully tucked away in my baggage between a pair of jeans and my favorite Doors shirt somewhere lost in the plane's cargo area. The attendant checked her ticket and sent Michelle on her way down the corridor to the plane as I handed my ticket over.

"I'm sorry there must be a mistake" the woman said as she looked up to me, making my heart drop. You've got to be kidding right?

"I don't understand, what's the problem?" I asked her.

"First class is already seated and full. There must have been an accidental double booking," she said staring back at me like a deer in the head lights.

"And how do we go about fixing that problem?" I asked her. I wasn't normally a smart ass when it came to situations like this one, but I lost my patience somewhere between saying goodbye to my dad and standing in the security line.

"Go over to that counter and the woman there will help you." The woman pointed to the counter positioned next to the gate. I dropped my head in defeat and made my walk of shame over to the counter. The woman waiting there had overheard my predicament and empathetically smiled down to me. I handed her my ticket and tried to force a smile.

"Hi." I said to her.

"Hello let me see what can be done for you." The woman was genuinely nice, that was the best thing about Australian people they all were so nice and had badass accents to add to their charm. The woman turned her attention to her computer screen, a serious concentrated look falling upon her face. I looked back to the people in line waiting to board the plane. Most of them stared back at me, with the God-I'm-glad-that's-not-me-look.

"Well you're in luck," the woman said to me. "Row 16 seats A and B are empty. Would you like the window or isle seat?" She smiled at me, happy that she had helped someone. I smiled back at her.

"Window would be great. Thank you so much," I replied. She hit a few more buttons on her keyboard and handed back my ticket.

"My pleasure. Thank you for flying Delta, have a great flight." The woman smiled up to me. I wondered how many times she had to say that in a day. I smiled back and tucked my ticket away into my pocket as I headed towards the plane.

…...

I entered the plane and was greeted by a flight attendant who smiled warmly at me. I took a deep breath before stepping on board as I felt the commotion in my gut start to pick up speed. Okay, row 16, row 16 - I repeated in my head as my eyes followed along designated seating labels positioned above each row. Row 16, seat A - window seat. I sighed in relief and sat down. It would be amazing if the seat next to me were empty for the flight; I think everyone secretly wishes for that.

The feeling had finally sunk in. My head began to throb and my eyes were beginning to hurt – stupid motion sickness. I looked up and quickly turned on the air duct above my head to cool my face. I've never actually thrown up but the feeling of sickness always occured. I closed my eyes and pulled my knees to my chest, covering my face and took in a deep breath. I can fight this feeling. You don't have a headache, you don't have a headache. It's all imagined, you don't have a headache. I stuck close to my mantra as I felt the numerous persons walk past my seat. They probably all pinned me to be that one sick person by the looks of me.

It felt like forever but I finally heard the sound, the sound of the door closing. I reluctantly looked up and confirmed my estimation. Time for lift off. What a plus, an empty seat next to me - talk about a rarity.

We waited for the plane to gain motion as we sat in the terminal. Tick tock tick tock, let's get this train rolling…or plane, whatever.

I curiously and quickly looked at the people ahead of me then to the middle class section of the plane. I rested back into my seat. Wait a second. Did I just see?… I whipped my head around again and felt my jaw drop. Several rows behind me on the other side of the plane I stared at the Matthew Fox. He calmly sat there in his blue suit with a melancholy look on his face. This can't be real. Can it? I sat back in my seat as the plane began leaving the gate. First Michelle, then Matthew? How coincidental is that? I looked back over my seat and sifted my eyes through the rest of the passengers. My heart was about to explode out of my chest. I eagerly searched and found what I was somehow expecting to see. Dominic Monaghan sat on the edge of his seat, fidgeting, biting at his fingernails and not five seats behind him sat Jorge Garcia who conspicuously looked around him before shoving a candy bar in his mouth. This can't be real. This is….impossible. Was this a LOST reunion or what, because I certainly did not get the memo. I usually believe in coincidence but damn. This was a little over board. Another man caught my eye; the Marshal from the pilot episode of LOST. Our eyes met and he looked at me in an odd manner, which I could understand - total shock was stamped across my forehead. I looked next to him at the window and saw her. Evangeline, or Kate - by this point in time I had no idea. I heard someone hiss at me. I turned around in my seat and looked up - the flight attendant motioned at me to sit down from her secured seat next to the cock pit door. I quickly did so and looked around the plane, not sure where to exactly look. I forced a laughed. This isn't real. It's not like the plane is going to get lost and the hatch is going to cause the plane to crash which means I could possible die. I quickly snatched the vomit bag and placed it over my mouth, making sure to take in deep breaths. I was letting my imagination get the best of me. It's a TV show, created by people, nothing like that could actually happen. Calm down Sarah. The plane suddenly lifted into the air, causing me to squeal out loud. I immediately not only felt ridiculous, but also felt the eyes of the people around me staring at my face. I pulled out my phone which was wrapped around my ticket. I was about to hysterically text my mom when I realized something. I brought my ticket up to my eyes. Flight 815. You're joking right? But wait, this is a Delta flight, not Oceanic. I rubbed my temples in confusion, my headache was on full rage and I was hardly in the mood to talk myself out of having one. I quickly ripped open my bag that sat next to me until I dug out my Dramamine. I popped the lid and threw three pills down my throat. There, now I really won't have to talk down my headache. I blindly threw the bottle back into my bag and sealed it. My phone! I had already forgotten. My fingers fumbled for the power button and the screen lit up.

"Come on, come on," I said to the phone. I ducked my head down to conceal my phone from the flight attendants. Scrolling through my phone book I stopped on 'Mom'. The phone began to ring.

"Sarah?" my mom asked.

"Mom, people from Lost are on my flight!" I whispered hysterically through the receiver.

"What, what are you talking about?" she asked.

"Lost, the TV show. The actors from the show are on my flight. You know, Matthew, Evangeline, Dominic, Jorge, they're here!"

"Sarah honey what on earth are you talking about?"

"Mom, Lost, hello? We watch it together every week."

"I've never heard of this, I don't know what you're saying,"

I lifted my head in disbelief. How could she not know? We've been watching since season one.

"Hold on I'm at the computer, let me look it up," she said. "Okay, 'Lost'," I listened impatiently as she typed on her keyboard. "I'm not seeing anything."

"It doesn't say anything about a tv show or buying shirts or watching it online?"

"No. I'm worried Sarah is everything okay?"

"Please put your phone away," I looked up as a flight attendant stood in the aisle staring at me. Oh my god. It was flight attendant from Lost, I was sure of it. I nodded to her and blindly closed my phone.

This had to be completely impossible. This doesn't…no, it can't exist. It has to be sheer coincidence..right? Oh my head. Is it hurting from the motion of the plane or is my imagination getting the best of me? Probably the latter of the two but regardless – is this really happening? A part of me wanted to just jump and run up to Matthew Fox and say, "Hey, are you Matthew Fox? Is this one big Lost reunion or is my excessive daydreaming seriously altering the current condition of my mental state?" I probably should stay seated before they all tie me up and declare me clinically insane. My head was growing heavy as I lay back, trying to rest my tense body and calm down. Is it hot in here or is it just me? God I feel trapped. Without looking I undid my seatbelt and readjusted myself in my seat. Just close your eyes, take deep breaths, and it will all be okay. Why was I so scared? What was I scared of? What would Jack do? He would count….that's right. He would count to five and the fear would be gone. I parted my lips.

"One." I whispered under my breath.

"Two. Three." Hey this might actually be working.

"Four. Five." My heart finally began to slow down. I let the rhythm of it become my mantra until I eventually fell asleep.

Do you ever have that dream where you're falling? You can't see where you are exactly falling but your whole body for just an instant seems to be weightless and frozen in time? Until you finally realize you're falling and your entire body spasms...

Yeah I had one of those dreams. My whole body jolted in reaction as my eyes fluttered open and adjusted on the seat in front of me. I glanced over. Everything was calm. I was still in the plane and we were still LA bound. I must have fallen asleep; how many Dramamine did I take again? That means I've lost track of time – glorious. My head felt better at least and the feeling of panic had subsided. I quietly laughed to myself. How ridiculous I must have looked earlier, freaking out about everything. My mom's right, I should learn not to sweat the small stuff so much.

Movement across the aisle catches my eye. What was that? It's Dominic, and he's moving fast towards the back of the plane. Where is he going? Why are the flight attendants following him?

"Excuse me sir!" The female attendant called out to him.

My eyes continue to follow him. What the hell was that all about? Wait, here he comes. Dominic changes directions and is now headed towards the cock pit. The plane suddenly hit turbulence, rocking the plane for a moment. My hands desperately grasped the arm rests in reaction as the seatbelt sign clicked on.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign…" The flight attendant reiterated over the plane's intercom.

Wait…my eyes followed back to the cock pit – Dominic was gone. Did he go in the bathroom? My mind retraced back to the first season of Lost. Charlie had run into the bathroom to do heroin when the plane hit turbulence. It's just coincidence right? I'm starting to loathe the word coincidence.

With no warning the plane shook violently and instantly sent me flying into the overhead compartment above my head. It felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride and my constraint had failed. The side of my body met the arm rest dividing the seats, knocking the wind out of me. I forgot I had unbuckled my seatbelt right before I must have fallen asleep. You are one smart lady Sarah, you jackass. My head was pounding and my ears were ringing.

"Are you okay?" I heard someone yell at me.

I looked up and saw the mask dangling before my eyes. A middle-aged man sitting next to me across the aisle looked at me bewildered. I merely nodded back to him as I fumbled for my mask and struggled to place it over my face. I sat frozen in shock and tried to take several deep breaths from the mask. An odd sensation on my cheek got my attention, what the hell is dripping down my face? I retract my hand and find it to be smeared with blood. The plane shakes much harder and my hands scramble to put my seatbelt back on. It takes me four tries before I hear the metal click. I pull on the slack as hard as possible. That's when I felt it. The other half of the airplane suddenly ripped off and my entire body feels like it is being sucked out of the plane. The air is whipping around my face, knocking off my ill situated mask and I scream back in terror. The plane suddenly spins in the air and my head is slammed against the hard plastic of the window next to me. The last thing I saw was a blob of blue and green hovering just below me outside the window; then my world went black.